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Getting it from all sides - angry

223K views 308 replies 85 participants last post by  bygone 
#1 ·
I just found out my wife has been having a sexual affair for more than a year. We've been married for 8 years, have 2 kids, and I thought we had a great marriage. We were good friends, had a lot of shared experiences and I thought we were really close.

She tells me that she still loves me and wants to go to counseling, but I feel conned and BSed and want out, no deposit, no return. I'm moving out after Christmas and plan to file for divorce after New Years. If she doesn't want the kids, they can live full-time with me, I can figure out how to make it work.

She has now put on this I'm-so-sorry-and-depressed act and both her family and my family are starting to hi-pressure me to try for reconciliation. I can't imagine ever wanting to be near her again, let alone sleep with her. I think if the other guy floats her boat she should go take up with him and be happy, and if she was willing to do it with him for this long, why isn't she doing what comes natural? (Must be the money, I guess.)

I don't know much about him, but I know he's not with anyone else, so it shouldn't be a problem from that end. I have no problem if love blooms eternal for them, it's time for me to start over and find something real of my own, I'm only going to live once.

I mean, let's face it, she's been screwing this other guy and hiding it from me for over a year. That's one month of lying for every year we've been married. Is there anything I'm missing here? I used to think that I was close to my family but with this latest, I'm also thinking of telling them to kiss my behind and adopt her if they think she's so great.
 
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#38 ·
Threatening suicide is the height of manipulative behaviour. In fact, let us place her infidelity to the side here: Beyond that, she is a toxic, deceptive and manipulative individual.

I must say that you made an intelligent decision when you decided to...forgive me for sounding crass here...ditch the b#tch.

It is sad that you wasted 8 years
An interesting viewpoint.

I wonder, if one's spouse cheats on them, does that negate the entire relationship? All the pleasant times that were shared?
 
#54 ·
I wonder, if one's spouse cheats on them, does that negate the entire relationship? All the pleasant times that were shared?
I think that once a spouse cheats the rest of the relationship is a sham. I will even generalize it to once an infidelity occurs, the relationship is a farce until meaningfully repaired.

A true relationship is based on trust, love, and respect. When one person is secretly violating those basic building blocks, the remainder of the relationship is no more than a false image.

This is one of the big disappointments to me. I have discovered that my wife is not who I thought she was. She was pretending the whole time. Our marriage was not based on what I thought it was. Things happened which were not as I interpreted them, whereas she knew the truth yet failed to inform me. To my detriment at the time, too.

So all those good times we had now seem like make believe. I was in some kind of altered state of awareness, not knowing what was really going on around me. And what was she thinking about me the whole time? Not what I thought, assumed, or believed she was.
 
#40 ·
You may want to consider taking your children to counseling. Divorce is hard but sometimes is harder on young children accustomed to seeing both their parents on a daily basis. They are not as emotionally strong as you are and therefore anything you can do to help mitigate the impact on their young lives is your responsibility as their loving and protective father.
 
#43 ·
I think that forgiveness would be easy if the focus is right.
I agree. Especially if the focus is on you letting go of any anger and bitterness that often comes from being betrayed by the one person you trusted above all others.

It is not about condoning the betrayal in any way shape or form, but accepting that it happened and making peace with the reality that it happened and cannot be undone.

You don't wait for some mythological 'closure' in the form of a heartfelt apology from your unfaithful spouse (which may never come), because you don't really need it in order to move on with your life.

Lastly, forgiveness has nothing to do with reconciliation. It is much better to forgive and not reconciliate than to reconciliate and never forgive.
 
#49 ·
You sound like a very "cut and dry" kind of guy, and this was probably a deal breaker for you. It sounds as if right now you will never get past what she has done to you.

But you still need some I/C to deal with the emotions you have right now, whether or not your kids know what's going on between the two of you, they will feel your anger. You want to carry on as a good dad.

All the best
 
#56 ·
I have already gotten past what she's done and am ready to move on. I don't even view it as something she's done "to me." I'm also thinking she doesn't view it as something she's done to me, but I've stopped assuming that I know what goes on behind that face.

It obviously got sidetracked, but this thread was really about how my family has knifed me. They're the ones I've got a real beef with. The princess can do whatever she wants, as long as it's not within line-of-sight of anywhere I'm at.

I don't think this guy needs counselling.
He may not need it but his children probably could benefit from it.
If we're to believe the head-shrinkers, we all need counseling from the time we eat our first spoonfuls of Gerber's mushymeat. The shrinks also all treat each other and still end up bonking their patients and writing their own prescriptions to pill out on. I'm sure that there are a few honest psychologists out there but I'm going to take my time about deciding this one.
 
#52 ·
Just stick to your guns---no matter what kind of family BS pressure you get---actually down the line YOUR family will figure it out, and hopefully back your play.

You only get one trip thru life on this planet, AND YOU GOTTA DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU------you want that trip to be a good, and happy trip---if that means dumping your cheating spouse---THAN SO BE IT----Happy Holidays
 
#57 ·
From the way my family is talking now, I say they've either been smoking crack or been hit with the alien stupid ray. I don't see them coming around. Never experienced this from them before. Her family is actually being a bigger pain in the butt, but they're her blood so I don't hold it against them.

"One trip" is right, you've got the right idea.

LOL thanks Lascarx thoughout my ordeal there have been few occasions to laugh but floozy b gon! love it!!!!! does it come by the case? can I spray away my troubles? I can
see the commercial:guys been cheated on by your wife? well worry no more order floozy b gon and erase all traces of the betrayal. to order call 1-800....
another was the Godzilla facepalm Thanks Lord Mayhem.
I admire your resolve its taken me a bit longer to get there but I believe I'm at acceptance. She wasn't who I thought. Another thing is you say you don't care about OM
but do you want your kids around the a-hole ? I don't! I'm putting his name in the RO's. so if she wants to live with the upstanding p.o.s fine but can't take my daughter there.
You're welcome. Everything needs to have a lighter side.

Seriously, I don't know that the OM is an a-hole. I would say let the kids figure that out for themselves. My older one can definitely tell me if he's mean or a jerk. That's assuming that the wife takes up with him, however. Like I've said already, don't know why she's not jumping at it, but she's not.

This is one of the big disappointments to me. I have discovered that my wife is not who I thought she was. She was pretending the whole time. Our marriage was not based on what I thought it was. Things happened which were not as I interpreted them, whereas she knew the truth yet failed to inform me. To my detriment at the time, too.

So all those good times we had now seem like make believe. I was in some kind of altered state of awareness, not knowing what was really going on around me. And what was she thinking about me the whole time? Not what I thought, assumed, or believed she was.
Friend, you've hit it right on the button. So what do you do? You get out of the tank, get away from that pod person. Spend too much time around pod people and you'll end up becoming one, that's what I think.
 
#53 ·
I really do not care if I am strong or weak in the eyes of God or man. Main thing is January 2012 and reaching for that big old spray can of Floozy-B-Gon.
LOL thanks Lascarx thoughout my ordeal there have been few occasions to laugh but floozy b gon! love it!!!!! does it come by the case? can I spray away my troubles? I can
see the commercial:guys been cheated on by your wife? well worry no more order floozy b gon and erase all traces of the betrayal. to order call 1-800....
another was the Godzilla facepalm Thanks Lord Mayhem.
I admire your resolve its taken me a bit longer to get there but I believe I'm at acceptance. She wasn't who I thought. Another thing is you say you don't care about OM
but do you want your kids around the a-hole ? I don't! I'm putting his name in the RO's. so if she wants to live with the upstanding p.o.s fine but can't take my daughter there.
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#55 ·
And I understand what your going through with the family I got that with my first divorce my parents took her side
wanted to continue having a relationship with oh so wonderfull daughter in law. there wasn't cheating in that one but she is one
gave up on us and that ended
it and I got the blame. I was really pissed off with them at times for not being more loyal to me I dread going through it
with them -possibly getting blamed for causing her to stray sh'yeah! Not fighting for the marraiage not forgiving blah blah
what a crapfest!
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#70 ·
Thanks for the info. Nice to meet you two, now if more of you folks would just meet up with each other from the get-go, it would save the rest of us a lot of trouble in the long run, don't you think?

elizabeth: "today everything looks the same but its like overnight everything has changed"
-are you fan of the classic 1978 (best) version of Invasion of the body snatchers?
"that not my wife, that not my wife"
Those pod people made a big impression on me when I was a kid. They look like they should but they're not what you think. Now I don't look much like Donald but wifey does look more than a bit like Brooke, so the metaphor does play at least half-well here at home.

I think it only says something from the time of the infidelity, generally. In the case of a lie from day 1, it would be the whole marriage.
Friend, if you have a crystal ball, you tell me please where you got it and do they take Diners Club. The point is that you can't know when it started. You can't know how many it was. All of a sudden there's a lot you can't know, and all that horsepucky about lie detectors and truth serum won't help you one bit, those things don't really work accurately and a conscienceless liar won't register on them anyway.

It's not just about playing hide-the-sausage with other folks, it's everything about her. You give her free run to look into every corner of you with a 6-cell maglight, while on her side of the fence, she gives you the 2-dollar tour that she's carefully prepared, and says that's the whole house. Then you find out there's been a secret staircase behind the kitchen the whole time, and God only knows what's down in that root cellar or if you even want to look after what she's pulled.

Matthew 19:9. In the bible it gives you permission to get a big D. Forgiveness can still be given even if you can't stay married.
I was basically ready to forgive the day after I found out. But she says that some the things I want to forgive her for, she didn't do. I mean, if you're going to get full absolution, you grab it and move on, wouldn't you think? Only banana dictators and Mafia dons usually get that, and she's turning it down. Go figure.
 
#66 · (Edited)
What happens next? Each person has to decide that for him/herself. All I know is that if one of my kids grows up to marry a pod person, I'm not going to pressure her to stay in the marriage for the sake of making nice. And I'll raise my kids not to be pod people.
elizabeth: "today everything looks the same but its like overnight everything has changed"
-are you fan of the classic 1978 (best) version of Invasion of the body snatchers?
"that not my wife, that not my wife"
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#67 ·
Left my cheating wife years ago.Best thing for me.Her,not so much,but hey she was the one who rolled the dice on our marriage.My family and her family both supported my decision,but you know,it wouldn't have mattered anyway because it was my marriage.Sorry you don't get the support,but life moves on and you sound like you know what you can or can't live with.
 
#74 ·
It's not just about playing hide-the-sausage with other folks, it's everything about her. You give her free run to look into every corner of you with a 6-cell maglight, while on her side of the fence, she gives you the 2-dollar tour that she's carefully prepared, and says that's the whole house. Then you find out there's been a secret staircase behind the kitchen the whole time, and God only knows what's down in that root cellar or if you even want to look after what she's pulled.

This is probably beside the point but what I find most amazing is the vast amount of cover-up words and phrases to describe things and events. I understand that some people just talk that way period, others talk that way because they're out of touch with what they feel - hurt.
 
#75 ·
Don't know what you're getting at with "cover-up". What you're referring to is simply this

I get what you all mean, but what I loved was what I thought my wife was, not what she really is. It's like having been in love with a character in a movie or a novel.

That person does not exist. She never existed.

Time to get into reality, but there's no need to blow it out of proportion. I got conned. Lots of people get conned.
said a bit differently. Some people might need it expressed in a different way before they get it. There are left-brain folks and there are right-brain ones.
 
#77 ·
I totally get what you are saying and I think there's no doubt that "hiding the sausage with other folks" means a sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse.
I guess I was just wondering why you chose phrases instead of the actual words. Like I said, some people just talk like that.
 
#83 ·
You may have a point. But I would say that the crude image of the phrase I used is actually more "fact-facing" than throwing your pile of deodorized syllables at it. So which one of us is covering up with euphemisms? You tell me.

When you really think about all of the decisions and assumptions a cheater makes in a long term affair, your decision shouldn't surprise anyone, least of all your parents.
Long-term or short-term don't make the difference, as far as I'm concerned. The wife got so whiny this morning that I said, ok, 5 minutes to speak your piece and that's the last I want to hear. She tells me that the actual bed affair was only going on for a couple of weeks, it's only the emails that have been going on for longer and most of them aren't even affair material, and the reason she left the house in a hurry on what turned out to be D-day was really to tell him that it was a mistake and over. She begged me to read all the emails going back to the beginning. She truly did not understand that even if her story were true, it wouldn't make things any better.

This morning early, I went through the computer we share and deleted every picture I could find which had both of us in it. Then I packed up all our old photographs from our dating and courtship days, all the wedding things, all our love letters. I took it all up off the route and built a fire. If it wasn't something that would burn, I broke it. The plates, the lovers' cups, the teapot, the little porcelain bells, I just took my sledge short-arm and turned them into talcum powder, let the wind blow it away. I thought it was going to be painful in some way or another, but it wasn't - I actually started to feel lighter. All the memories that came up - bringing her breakfast-in-bed on those plates our first morning married, the love poem I somehow managed to scrawl when I was being jostled about in a seaplane, how she looked on our wedding day.... it was all like it happened to someone else, then it all started fading somehow. It occurred to me that maybe the reason people can't forget painful things is because they try to separate out the good from the bad, try to hold onto one and drop the other. But memories are not divisible that way. Have to take them the way they are or surrender them completely.

I got home and the kids were watching TV while the wife was sitting in the kitchen and staring out the window. I packed her grip and told her, it's enough, you're not helping things here and it's time for you to go to him. No need to sneak anymore, you can sleep in his bed, he can tune your engine day and night and you can start preparing for playing house. Time to get out and live by daylight like the rest of us. She waited a moment, took the grip and left, could barely look me in the eye. I thought, bingo. I don't know what or who you are but I know what you want. So that's resolved. I don't plan to lord it over my folks (or hers, for that matter) but can now get some peace and quiet, I think.

After all was said and done, I remembered that the English call the day after Christmas "Boxing Day." And I thought that was appropriate. I'm taking the last bits of refuse from this mistake and boxing them up neat for the trashman. Next thing to go is this house and that puts paid to her.

There's obviously still some legal stuff to resolve but I figure that if I haven't found closure yet, I think I'm very close to it.

Lascar,

How are you children coping?
Just fine, I think. Thanks for asking.
 
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#81 ·
Some grandparents fear that if one of their children divorces, that it is going to spell the end of their relationship with their grandchildren. They preach forgiveness for the child's cheating spouse for their own selfish reasons.
 
#82 ·
Ah yes Brooke was uh lovely in 1978... anyway how old are the kids? my daughter is five (-why do most divorce when kids are age 5??) basically I can be over my feelings for her and buy me some floozy b gon - still makes me laugh. but I am worried about my daughter and I don't know how the floozy is going to be in the future if we can get to being civil and good co-parents. For one she will be royally pissed off can't take our daughter out of country and can't bring her around OM well too f-ying bad for that this cake shop is closed.
yeah I'm into movies from family man:
Arnie: "the fidelity and trust is a tough creditor you make a deposit in another bank and they close your account forever!"
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#86 ·
That almost makes it sound like they saw her leaving with a sprightly step and a T-shirt printed with "I Am So Glad To Leave My Kids." Of course it wasn't like that.

My older knows we're splitting up, my younger probably doesn't understand all that well. They are certainly sad because it's not a happy place here at the moment, if for no other reason. But I told them straight-out that I would always be there for them, and that their mom would be around plenty. Now she has to decide whether or not she wants to live up to that.
 
#87 ·
I don't see anything wrong here. He's doing what he thinks is best for HIM.

Not all BS's are going to be fogged-up. For some its just a straight-up dealbreaker.

Not every BS is gonna take the high road like our friend oldmittens.

I commend you for taking the initiative and not wallowing in self-pity.

Good Luck.
 
#89 ·
lascarx, I wish you all the luck in the world.
Here's to hoping that your lawyer is true to your case and you don't draw a judge who is bedding down with one (or both) of the attorneys involved in this mess.
Just remember it doesn't always turn out the way it should.
The most important thing is that you and she are no longer "we", so anything more you get out of the experience is just trimming on the tree.
 
#91 ·
Nothing like a "scorched earth", "nuclear strike" and "damn the torpedoes - full speed ahead"!

Good on ya! Kinda irrational with the physical destruction. You seem to be getting your revenge. Feels good until the fun part of smashing things wears off. Hey - each to his own but I'd probably be the same way.
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#101 ·
Nothing like a "scorched earth", "nuclear strike" and "damn the torpedoes - full speed ahead"!

Good on ya! Kinda irrational with the physical destruction. You seem to be getting your revenge. Feels good until the fun part of smashing things wears off. Hey - each to his own but I'd probably be the same way.
No scorched earth. It was surgical in its precision - I destroyed nothing of value.
 
#92 · (Edited)
Lascarx you should start www.dumpthe*****.com which is avail. though I bet floozy b gon is avail too. you are very strong in this you are a rock you are an island. you've
helped me in my own situation get mentally tough for what's ahead
talk about Man up! you could run a boot camp for betrayed spouses. The kids aren't going to be strong like you so just give your kids alot of hugs and continue to be their dominant influence.
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#99 ·
Lascarx you should start www.dumpthe*****.com which is avail. though I bet floozy b gon is avail too. you are very strong in this you are a rock you are an island. you've
helped me in my own situation get mentally tough for what's ahead
talk about Man up! you could run a boot camp for betrayed spouses. The kids aren't going to be strong like you so just give your kids alot of hugs and continue to be their dominant influence.
that was pretty profound. and true. I think that's why I've always been able to move on, I am at peace having grief and joy live next to each other, never trying to force one to live someplace else. I don't feed grief or pain, but I surrender to its right to exist as a cost of loving without worrying about how to pay for the pain later.

I do admire your ability to know what you can and can't live with. I know I was there on D-Day, he left, and it took a long time to come to terms with the regret or wishing we could go back and start again or have a do-over. I got through it, but it was a fight for many, many months.
Anything could happen. My attorney might be full of it, she might take me for every dime and blow it with her beau on champagne and vibrating underwear. But I won't look back. You haven't lost anything if you're always looking forward, so I hope you do the same.
 
#94 ·
Have you shown your folks the emails and any other evidence? Granted, know one can really understand this crap enless they go through it, but geez...your folks should be behind you.

Maybe if they saw with there own eyes the sh!t you read, then they may understand the pain and lighten up on the forgiveness b*llsh*t.

The only concern I would have is if infact I had a friend that wasn't really a friend. I'd find out who the OM so I'm not getting the double betrayal.

My "good" friend/business partner screwed me and my WW. So watch out, as you can see people/family arein't what they seem. So I suggest you quitely do your investigation and rule out any additional betrayal. Please think about this!
 
#96 ·
Thanks for the advice. I'm ok though.

It could be my bestest friend in the whole world and it wouldn't matter, because it would be the same as with the wife - I would only have been friends with what I thought was there. Pod person all over again. So I'm not going to sweat that one all that much. If it happens to turn out that way, I'll have me 2 phonies revealed for the price of 1.

Don't have the password to her computer and don't want it. I don't even have time to do all the reading I'd like to do, so there's no way I'm going to be bothering with that trash. Computer's going to the local UPS tomorrow, they'll hold things for pick-up.

As far as my folks go, if they can't take her going to her beau as the sign that they should be roasting up a crow for their next supper, know what? Screw them too.
 
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