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Getting it from all sides - angry

223K views 308 replies 85 participants last post by  bygone 
#1 ·
I just found out my wife has been having a sexual affair for more than a year. We've been married for 8 years, have 2 kids, and I thought we had a great marriage. We were good friends, had a lot of shared experiences and I thought we were really close.

She tells me that she still loves me and wants to go to counseling, but I feel conned and BSed and want out, no deposit, no return. I'm moving out after Christmas and plan to file for divorce after New Years. If she doesn't want the kids, they can live full-time with me, I can figure out how to make it work.

She has now put on this I'm-so-sorry-and-depressed act and both her family and my family are starting to hi-pressure me to try for reconciliation. I can't imagine ever wanting to be near her again, let alone sleep with her. I think if the other guy floats her boat she should go take up with him and be happy, and if she was willing to do it with him for this long, why isn't she doing what comes natural? (Must be the money, I guess.)

I don't know much about him, but I know he's not with anyone else, so it shouldn't be a problem from that end. I have no problem if love blooms eternal for them, it's time for me to start over and find something real of my own, I'm only going to live once.

I mean, let's face it, she's been screwing this other guy and hiding it from me for over a year. That's one month of lying for every year we've been married. Is there anything I'm missing here? I used to think that I was close to my family but with this latest, I'm also thinking of telling them to kiss my behind and adopt her if they think she's so great.
 
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#95 ·
Ok so she left with the bag. She might have just left to get away from your anger for a few hours or a day or two. She could be in a hotel or at a friends house. Her leaving does not mean that she's with the OM.

And she might be back. She has the legal right to live in the family home. It's her residence and you do not have the right to throw her out... not until there is a court order for her to leave.

So if she comes back you have to let her back in.
 
#97 ·
It's too bad you can't make real wagers on this forum. I'd bet you whatever you wish that she drove straight to his place. Why would she go anywhere else?

And I won't have to let her in because she's got a key and can let herself in. I don't plan to be doing anything libertine here, so she's welcome to stop by and have a sandwich any time she likes. Don't want her moping around and depressing the kids though.
 
#102 ·
I didn't read pages 3-7 but just to let you know, as someone who's gone through this, no one should judge how you choose to respond.

I chose to reconcile, and I'm glad I did, my marriage has been amazing since (though it's an extremely difficult process). But I could not and would not judge anyone who decided to leave their spouse after cheating.

It is such an emotional decision. There are so many things you have to deal with and internalize, no one can make that decision for you. If you've decided that reconciling isn't worth the effort, don't feel guilty about it.

Sorry you're going through this BS.
 
#103 ·
How in the hell are you going to know if your best friend is stabbing you in the back unless you look?

I'm just saying you can do alot of painful research and it is my experience that it will serve you well in the future...especially when kids ar involved.

Heaven forbid her new man is a pedifile...thats even worse then the double betrayal.

Has she been stashing money away? Is this an exit affair?

Talk to the lawyer and ask him if there any one thing that will protect you in knowing more about the affair then what would that be, and go and find it.

Again a little research will help you in the future. Even if you hire a PI and the info goes to your lawyer, then your lawyer can see what needs to be protected here.....your kid, money, your health. Muti partners can for sure leave you at risk....you only know about one.

What was her second life all about? how much danger has this "stranger" put you and your kids in?
 
#106 ·
I get where you're at, but I'll know everything there is to know about this guy latest tomorrow evening, when the wife calls her parents to tell her where she's living now. I wouldn't put it past her morally to take up with dopers or swingers but she's too fastidious about her rep to have done something like that now.

Once she makes contact, I'll go see them on their turf before letting her take the kids over there.

Strangely enough, I'm almost certain that he's a nice fellow who's just met his femme fatale. See how long that lasts.
 
#110 ·
You make the assumtion that this is the women you knew and married. Please protect your self, kids and parents and assume nothing....this is not the same women you once knew....that women has past away.

You are now dealing with a complete stranger and with that any thing is possible, the drugs the drinking the vandictive nature she has and the capacity to hurt the ones she loved.

You have no idea who your are *now* dealing with! Either does your parents, so please find out! In lighten them and your self.

Please do the research that needs to be done to find out who this stranger is and who she has become and with whome.

Your kids are counting on that. Your folk need to know what she has become.


Sure this will come out sooner or later, but will it be the truth or another smoke screen to continuely make you out to be the bad guy like she has done with your folks and hers?


I know you don't care what poeple think right now, but when the dust clears we will be kicking your self for not taking the steps in finding out what the reality is in all of this.

It may not answer the whys but like you said its about the future and you will be best served by knowing your enemy and thier capacities for the future.
 
#113 ·
You make the assumtion that this is the women you knew and married. Please protect your self, kids and parents and assume nothing....this is not the same women you once knew....that women has past away.
Friend, it's worse than that. She didn't pass away. She simply never was.

I'll definitely be finding out about him shortly. I'm taking your advice to heart.

The way you word things makes it sound as though you think you are in charge of what happens in the divorce and with custody. You are not. Your wife has as much right to have custody of your childen as you do. If she was the primary care giver she is more likely to get primary custody. You are not the one who will be "giving her custody". The court will work to make sure that your children have as much access to both of you as possible.

I think you have an unrealistic view of what divorce is like and how courts deal with child custody.
I smell some other unspoken agenda here, but what people don't want to say, they won't.

When I say "not in favor of giving her more than I have to," that's what I mean. I may not have anything to say at all. I may indeed HAVE TO give her everything. That's why I say "have to see what the court says." But I have no intention of rolling over. Nor do I intend to represent myself.

The original plan was I leave. She finally left because she wanted to be with her beau. I'm guessing the problem was that she couldn't admit it and that's what was getting her all down-in-the-mouth and mopey. So: I'm currently the single parent. That's the physical what-is, even if the law isn't planning to give me a trip to Disney World for it.

She'll have fun with her beau and then she'll be back around to talk turkey, I have no delusions about that. But it will be a few weeks before she gets that far. Like I said, she's free to stop by any time she likes.
 
#116 ·
Abandonment........ talk to the lawyer and inform him that she left the family home to be with OM.

Also look into a moral clause that will prevent the OM from being introduced to the kids while your still married, for that matter this clause may prevent OM from ever seeing our kids until the divorces.

Don't make it easy for mom to indroduce her "new friend" to the kids.
 
#119 ·
Now speak of the devil. Mama-in-law just called, and the wife is indeed at her beau's place.

He's some bigwig at a local hospital. Don't see him trying to take my bank account for a ride. Probably not a doper or a pervert either.

Mama-in-law says she's just sooo sorry for all the things that have happened lately and all the things she might have said, but I have to accept that it was never really the right match. Mama dear, I knew that last week. No harm, no foul, now let's all get on with living, why don't we?
 
#125 ·
Interesting take all of this, because my attorney says there will definitely be legal fisticuffs of some sort or another in my case, and infidelity will play a role.

If it's all a big no-fault-assembly-line, how can there be a mechanism to hear our conflict? Sure, the attorneys want to make money, but they can't build their own courtrooms and hire their own judges for people who want "the old fault type of divorce." Something's missing in this summary, I think.
 
#130 ·
Interesting take all of this, because my attorney says there will definitely be legal fisticuffs of some sort or another in my case, and infidelity will play a role.

....
You said that he was going to use exposure of infidelity... how and to whom would he be threatening to expose her infidelity? Seems that a lot of people already know.

If she is now going to be living with him I doubt they care who knows now.
 
#132 ·
Mama-in-law says she's just sooo sorry for all the things that have happened lately and all the things she might have said, but I have to accept that it was never really the right match. Mama dear, I knew that last week. No harm, no foul, now let's all get on with living, why don't we?
Like mother like daughter huh? pathetic!!

get rid off these people
 
#136 ·
I'll take all the advice, but I think it'll be ok. Have to laugh now because it all really couldn't be better. Mama-in-law is certainly pleased as punch that her girl has moved upmarket, but she'll tell her to make sure now not to bring any dirt on their reputation. And though she crossed her mama when she married me, I can't ever recall her doing it since.

Good idea to hold onto the emails though. I'll give mama-in-law a friendly call and tell her there's a bunch of stuff I won't much care to talk about as long as we all keep us nice and quiet.

So, that doesn't mean 100% safe but no need to fret yet.
 
#137 ·
Get all the information you can possibly get. Okay so you might not have millions laying around for them to get but think of the agony it will bring you just to have to deal with what they might be throwing your way. If you can shut down anything they might come up with with evidence from her computer or whatever else you can find out, you can take the wind out of their sail before the even get in the boat.
 
#138 ·
Lascarx, it sounds like you're doing well. Take care of yourself; take care of your kids. If your family can't get on board, then it's their loss.

Definitely make sure that your lawyer is able to protect you, your assets and is a strong advocate of you having as much custody as possible.

Good luck, friend. Sounds like you're on the right course.
 
#143 ·
Thanks for the kind word, and I'm definitely feeling good about the lawyer.

What were the logistics of the affair? When did she have the time?
My guess is while I was away at work and my older was at school. There's a few friends she could have left the younger with while she got her tune-up, but I'm not planning to ask around because I don't really need to seek contention with everyone who might have known. I'm pretty sure she had him over a few times and it must have been while I was visiting my folks with the kids. She begged off a few of those visits saying she was feeling poorly due to getting her monthlies early. How's that excuse grab you?

What conflict of yours do you want the court to hear?

Do you mind sharing what state you are in? It can make a big difference.
The conflict over who gets how much of what, etc.

I doubt I'll be suing Young Dr. Kildare, but if the wife makes things really hot, it might be an option. My attorney said that would only be last resort territory though.

We're all having our soap opera here in North Carolina, in-laws participating via telephone currently, but I assume they'll be coming to bless us with their presence soon. Having a little something extra to go with your marital does mean something around here, I've heard. Hence my confusion about your comments. But my attorney set me straight, he said we North Carolinians are still keeping the no-fault barbarians at the gate.

Damn that made me spit up my water
I speak from knowledge. I know a guy at work, his wife gets the call of the wild last year, takes up with some motorcycle freaks and next thing you know they've ransacked his house and fenced everything across the next three counties. Needless to say there was no reconciliation, though she really didn't look too much the worse for wear when she finally came back around. No tattoos, at least none any of us could see. Good thing they hadn't any kids.
 
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#140 ·
Lascarx,

You may not have millions, but most likely you will be paying her child support and interim spousal support until the divorce is final.

Since you've been married for 8 years you marriage probably is not considered long term. There will most likely be child support, figure about 10% of you income per child.. so about 10% - 20% in child support. And then there could be spousal support until she finds a job depending on which state you are in.
 
#147 ·
Expose the guy to his family and work. It makes the affair uncomfortable and it gives you a better chance of breaking them up and keeping your children away from their fantasy.

It is highly likely they were in contact during his working hours and he may even have used the company mail of phone to contact your wife.
 
#150 ·
Why is suing the OM a last resort only?

If you have solid objective evidence you can sue the crap out of him in NC for alienation of affection.

Why not do so?

I`d do it simply because I`m a nasty bastard.

Hell I sued the crap out of a loser drug addict and I`ll never see any money, it felt damn good though and I managed to screw up his future.
 
#152 ·
S,

It's ironic that we are communicating here, isn't it? How did you find this place? You, who always wondered why anyone would be interested in "type-chattering their lives away," spending your hours here. Doesn't that tell you something? About how you hurt inside and can't say it to anyone you know, so you find people you don't know?

When you're writing in anger, did you ever realize that you're just as funny as when you're talking in anger? Just as bombastic and florid. Termite inspectors and body snatchers indeed! The only thing you don't have is me to start giggling and put my arms around you to calm you down.

But I need to say something to you and I know if I write it here, you can't discard it.

I finally went to him because you had gathered all of your great strength in a way that I had never seen before and used it all to harden your heart. I was bereft and thought I needed someone who wanted me because I had no hope. I prayed in that moment that I might someday forget you and want him. But I could not, would not ever want him and I could not stay with him. I will never see him again.

I have done an awful, an unpardonable thing and I know it. I know why I did it and I will tell you if you let me. I don't expect you to ever forgive me, although I hope you will some day. I know it may never be the same and you may always have doubts. But you will always be my sun, my blue sky, the center of my life. Please let just a little ray shine on me, just for today, to see if you can bear it? And if you can bear it, there can then be tomorrow.

I love you so very much and I am so sorry.

A.
 
#174 ·
I believe her. I'm not judging either person but OP sounds pretty bitter and harsh. I can see her wanting to reconcile, getting the anger, and then feeling forced into going back to the OM.

Not trying to be judgemental to the OP, she betrayed him for over a year. But it's pretty clear he's not willing to reconcile, so what does he expect his partner to do?

And to answer you Wannabe, hurting people do crazy things, you can't expect rational decisions from someone in an affair. It's like an addiction. Why would anyone throw away their lives for another pill, or crack rock, or bottle of vodka? Yet thousands do it every day.......
 
#176 ·
She was faced with a man with a capital S Spine, who looked at a cheatng wife and realized he had no further use for it.

She ran to POSOM and left her kids when she could have insisted on staying, gone to friends, or a hotel. Nope, the fact that POSOM was choice #1 shows that DDay 1 had her lying about ending it.msye never intended to end it, and if OP tool her back now, she would wait and start back up someday.
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#175 ·
Wanna bet OM when faced with having a lying cheatng you know what dragging on hm everyday, said to her to get out? After he had a couple of goodbye hay rolls.

Now the real man, her husband, and the POSOM have both told her to get out, she comes back looking for her meal ticket again.

Didnt she ready claim to end it on DDay, so this is now second time she said she wasn't going to see him agsin.

Can you say false R time folks?

Looks like POSOM liked the ride, but he didn't want it parked in his driveway.
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#187 ·
when I was a boy in school they made us read a story about a guy who had to choose between two doors. If he picked one he got a new beautiful wife, and if he picked the other there was a tiger behind it that would rip him up. kind of like Let's Make A Deal meets Siegfried and Roy, I guess. The story went on and on and on and what did you get at the end? Nothing. It didn't tell you what happened. The guy picked a door, it opened, and then you were supposed to fill in the blank yourself.

The principal sent for my parents that day because I just couldn't quit asking the teacher why anyone would pull such a dirty gyp. A story had to have an ending, see? Otherwise there was no point. I didn't see that the real point was that you can't expect your endings to be given to you, sometimes you have to take them completely into your own hands.

They did. Or they didn't. Or they somehow neither did nor didn't but made peace with it anyway. Don't know yet. Have to take a breather.

Wish you all a Happy New Year.
 
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