Getting it from all sides - angry - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 284 (permalink) Old 12-25-2011, 08:40 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Getting it from all sides - angry

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Originally Posted by Initfortheduration View Post
I commend you on your confidence and decision making. We need guys that haven't given their testicles to their wives along with their wedding rings here. A lot of the posters need your example. Maintaining alpha male status is manifestly important. Whether you choose to divorce or not, you have to be alpha to enforce boundaries on the WW. Or to stay strong when family and friends try to convince you to suck it up and put a smile on your face, and play the good little cuckold. The beta's on here follow their cheating skanks around like puppies begging and pleading for them to give them one more chance. Disgusting. Being beta removes all choice, self determination and self respect. They might as well have a pair of Nueticals instead of testicles. So stick around and put to good use the experiences you have gone through. Your example is sorely needed.
Now she's talking about wanting to croak herself. I told her that if she decides to do the deed today, to go to my parents' place or her boyfriend's place to do it, I don't want my Christmas messed up with the cops. I don't understand why she doesn't get it - I can't believe a word she says, so she should stick a cork in it and stop bothering me. It's starting to boggle my mind that I married such a stupid person and never recognized it.

I don't know if I'm being "alpha", but why would anyone in their right mind put up with these kinds of BS histrionics? Then again, I look at my dad now with his "forgiveness" crapola and wonder if his brain got poisoned from his career as a chemist. Maybe we're all "alphas" but pollution and bad food has sent the species into decline.

Taking the kids out for pancakes. I really like being with my kids, that hopefully won't change even if I think that their mother is a parasitic twit.

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post #32 of 284 (permalink) Old 12-25-2011, 09:09 AM
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Re: Getting it from all sides - angry

I am going to be the exception. You need to go back and read your own post. I feel you need to get into IC to take care of your own issues. You really come across as one that only thinks of his own needs and I could understand why your WW would feel disconnected. That does not excuse the A in any way shape or form. I come up with this due to the comments you have made about your own parents. A lot of marriages can recover but it takes two strong people to do so and you are not one of them so your WW would be better off with a D.
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post #33 of 284 (permalink) Old 12-25-2011, 09:22 AM
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Re: Getting it from all sides - angry

Lascar,

You stated previously you didn't care who the OM was. Since you're moving on, I get it. However, lots of stories here involve the OM/OW being someone the BS knows. Wouldn't you want to know if that possibility exists in your situation? Or did she explain that you dont know the OM?
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post #34 of 284 (permalink) Old 12-25-2011, 09:32 AM
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Re: Getting it from all sides - angry

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Now she's talking about wanting to croak herself. I told her that if she decides to do the deed today, to go to my parents' place or her boyfriend's place to do it, I don't want my Christmas messed up with the cops. I don't understand why she doesn't get it - I can't believe a word she says, so she should stick a cork in it and stop bothering me. It's starting to boggle my mind that I married such a stupid person and never recognized it.

I don't know if I'm being "alpha", but why would anyone in their right mind put up with these kinds of BS histrionics? Then again, I look at my dad now with his "forgiveness" crapola and wonder if his brain got poisoned from his career as a chemist. Maybe we're all "alphas" but pollution and bad food has sent the species into decline.

Taking the kids out for pancakes. I really like being with my kids, that hopefully won't change even if I think that their mother is a parasitic twit.
Be careful... This may or may not be an empty threat. Your story is similar enough to other cases on these boards that I think she could genuinely experience a mental break. See the below link

Mental breakdown of DW after D-day

You may be tempted to say "Not my problem", but unfortunately this is the mother of your children. No matter what has happened, you don't want to put your kids through that. Make sure she gets some professional help.
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post #35 of 284 (permalink) Old 12-25-2011, 10:06 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Getting it from all sides - angry

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I am going to be the exception. You need to go back and read your own post. I feel you need to get into IC to take care of your own issues. You really come across as one that only thinks of his own needs and I could understand why your WW would feel disconnected. That does not excuse the A in any way shape or form. I come up with this due to the comments you have made about your own parents. A lot of marriages can recover but it takes two strong people to do so and you are not one of them so your WW would be better off with a D.
I really do not care if I am strong or weak in the eyes of God or man. Main thing is January 2012 and reaching for that big old spray can of Floozy-B-Gon.

I was always concerned with her needs until I found out about the affair. I really thought we were a healthy, communicative couple without secrets. Then - you got it right, I disconnected bigtime. Give yourself a prize.

And if my parents are hurt, they should learn to take it as well as they can dish it out. If they want to side with her and call me names, they should be able to take the consequences. There is nothing in my family's past that would warrant this kind of betrayal. My parents and I were always close until my wife's affair. My sister got into bad company and pills as a teenager and I was the one who got her out. With love, not force. She's still got problems but at least she doesn't do dope. I saved her life and this is what I get?

Sure I have issues. Who doesn't? And yes, my WW would be better off with a D, and so would I. I've told her that already. So thanks for concurring.

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Originally Posted by Whip Morgan View Post
Lascar,

You stated previously you didn't care who the OM was. Since you're moving on, I get it. However, lots of stories here involve the OM/OW being someone the BS knows. Wouldn't you want to know if that possibility exists in your situation? Or did she explain that you dont know the OM?
Only thing I'm interested in is whether or not the OM is married or in a relationship, because it would be a nice clean solution for wifey to hie her butt thence and go to him with a minimum of trouble. My wife says he's single, so the stage should be already set for angels singing and conjugal bliss, am I right? The rest doesn't concern me. If it turns out to be one of my friends, well, that's another acquaintance gone south.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sindo View Post
Be careful... This may or may not be an empty threat. Your story is similar enough to other cases on these boards that I think she could genuinely experience a mental break. See the below link

Mental breakdown of DW after D-day

You may be tempted to say "Not my problem", but unfortunately this is the mother of your children. No matter what has happened, you don't want to put your kids through that. Make sure she gets some professional help.
Just got back and she's still breathing fine. Only suicidal thing she appears to have done is to take up smoking again, and I don't have a problem with that as long as she does it out of the house. It's cold outside right now but after New Years, I'll be out anyway and she can stink up the place to beat Jesus for all I care.
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post #36 of 284 (permalink) Old 12-25-2011, 10:33 AM
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Re: Getting it from all sides - angry

You are so right on with your attitude and thinking. What I find so amazing about cheating spouses is that they apparently think if they are caught then they will simply stop the affair and everything will go back to the way it is.....NOT.

The fact that she was screwing him for a year and especially that she brought him to your home to screw is highly symbolic. It is the ultimate in degrading the spouse and the relationship. I do hope you get tested for STD's. She thought she was playing you as the fool only she was the one that ended up being the fool.

By the way since she is such a liar I would not believe that the OM was single. Your wife is in damage control but clearly it will not work on you. It is sad that you wasted 8 years (not really since you have your kids) but imagine if this happened 20 years after being married to her. Move forward and don't look back. You are on the right path. Good luck.
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post #37 of 284 (permalink) Old 12-25-2011, 10:41 AM
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Re: Getting it from all sides - angry

Was yesterday your D-day (the day you discovered her affair)?

'I'd rather live by a dream, than live by a lie.
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post #38 of 284 (permalink) Old 12-25-2011, 10:42 AM
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Re: Getting it from all sides - angry

Threatening suicide is the height of manipulative behaviour. In fact, let us place her infidelity to the side here: Beyond that, she is a toxic, deceptive and manipulative individual.

I must say that you made an intelligent decision when you decided to...forgive me for sounding crass here...ditch the b#tch.

Quote:
It is sad that you wasted 8 years
An interesting viewpoint.

I wonder, if one's spouse cheats on them, does that negate the entire relationship? All the pleasant times that were shared?
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post #39 of 284 (permalink) Old 12-25-2011, 10:51 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Getting it from all sides - angry

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Was yesterday your D-day (the day you discovered her affair)?
No, it was a week ago. God only knows if it was the first time, but that's none of my beeswax any more.

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Originally Posted by Humble Married Man View Post
I wonder, if one's spouse cheats on them, does that negate the entire relationship? All the pleasant times that were shared?
I guess if you're the appropriate sort, you can surely enjoy some pleasant times with an "escort." It's however sad if you thought you had a relationship and she was just maintaining her meal-ticket. But like I said, no soap opera necessary, we live and we learn.
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post #40 of 284 (permalink) Old 12-25-2011, 10:54 AM
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Re: Getting it from all sides - angry

You may want to consider taking your children to counseling. Divorce is hard but sometimes is harder on young children accustomed to seeing both their parents on a daily basis. They are not as emotionally strong as you are and therefore anything you can do to help mitigate the impact on their young lives is your responsibility as their loving and protective father.


'I'd rather live by a dream, than live by a lie.
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post #41 of 284 (permalink) Old 12-25-2011, 10:55 AM
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Re: Getting it from all sides - angry

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I guess if you're the appropriate sort, you can surely enjoy some pleasant times with an "escort."
I have no disagreements there.
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post #42 of 284 (permalink) Old 12-25-2011, 11:03 AM
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Re: Getting it from all sides - angry

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Originally Posted by aeg512 View Post
I am going to be the exception. You need to go back and read your own post. I feel you need to get into IC to take care of your own issues. You really come across as one that only thinks of his own needs and I could understand why your WW would feel disconnected. That does not excuse the A in any way shape or form. I come up with this due to the comments you have made about your own parents. A lot of marriages can recover but it takes two strong people to do so and you are not one of them so your WW would be better off with a D.
The only issues I see with him are that he has a spine and self respect.
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post #43 of 284 (permalink) Old 12-25-2011, 11:11 AM
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Re: Getting it from all sides - angry

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I think that forgiveness would be easy if the focus is right.
I agree. Especially if the focus is on you letting go of any anger and bitterness that often comes from being betrayed by the one person you trusted above all others.

It is not about condoning the betrayal in any way shape or form, but accepting that it happened and making peace with the reality that it happened and cannot be undone.

You don't wait for some mythological 'closure' in the form of a heartfelt apology from your unfaithful spouse (which may never come), because you don't really need it in order to move on with your life.

Lastly, forgiveness has nothing to do with reconciliation. It is much better to forgive and not reconciliate than to reconciliate and never forgive.

'I'd rather live by a dream, than live by a lie.
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post #44 of 284 (permalink) Old 12-25-2011, 11:15 AM
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Re: Getting it from all sides - angry

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Only about the wasted time. I think I know now how a long-time doper feels after finally getting clean - "did I really blow all that time? you mean I don't get a second chance at that decade?" It doesn't make my skin crawl when I think about all the years of faked closeness, but it's a sad state for everyone when bags of lies walk the earth and can't be told from human beings. Hope my kids got my chromosomes.

Whatever. Outside of my marriage, there were real, tangible advances in my life over the past years, can't dispute that. Concentrate on the good and kick the garbage into the gutter. Excelsior, excelsior.

Both genetics and environment make the person. I would suggest you seek full custody of the kids if you can. This way they would have a better chance of turning out to be decent persons.
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post #45 of 284 (permalink) Old 12-25-2011, 11:22 AM
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Re: Getting it from all sides - angry

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Originally Posted by lascarx View Post
No, it was a week ago. God only knows if it was the first time, but that's none of my beeswax any more.
It may be too soon for you to crystallize your decision to divorce. You're most likely undergoing the various stages of grief right now.

Continue the process of divorce and securing your assets anyways. In the slight chance of reconciliation you can always stop/hold the divorce process at any time.
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