Getting it from all sides - angry - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #61 of 284 (permalink) Old 12-25-2011, 06:02 PM
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Re: Getting it from all sides - angry

I guess I'm just surprised to see the extreme of what usually goes on in a BS's mind, I find it kind of weird, but everyone's different, and I gotta respect that about you.

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post #62 of 284 (permalink) Old 12-25-2011, 06:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Getting it from all sides - angry

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Originally Posted by Humble Married Man View Post
If you think about it, does that really have anything to do with infidelity?

Or does it have to do with two-faced people in general, and the fact that you just so happened to marry a two-faced individual?

And why does it take something like infidelity in particular for BSs to leave their two-faced spouses, or to even realise that the person they married is not who they seem? How many BSs here believe that they stuck their heads in the sand?

Let me give you a hypothetical situation here: You've had a happy marriage for 30 years. No drama and no complications. Lots of passion and lots of love. Then one of the spouses cheats. What does this say about the past 30 years?
That there was a lot of self-deception, on one side or both sides. In any case, at least one person got gypped. How "happy" was that happy marriage? Part of being happy is thinking your spouse is happy, and as soon as the bomb drops, you know it was bogus. You don't know what was going on there. Pod person.

It doesn't have to be sexual infidelity. People will tell their spouses that they only stuck with their marriages for the sake of the kids, and always thought their spouses were unattractive bores and matrimonial mistakes the entire time that "lots of passion and lots of love" were going on. People lie and put on acts for the weirdest reasons and can be very good at it. And I'm sure that being on the receiving end of such a Manifesto Of Eternal Disgust is as devastating as being cheated on.

What happens next? Each person has to decide that for him/herself. All I know is that if one of my kids grows up and has the bad luck to marry a pod person, I'm not going to pressure her to stay in the marriage for the sake of making nice. And I'll raise my kids not to be pod people.

Last edited by lascarx; 12-25-2011 at 06:27 PM.
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post #63 of 284 (permalink) Old 12-25-2011, 06:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Getting it from all sides - angry

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I guess I'm just surprised to see the extreme of what usually goes on in a BS's mind, I find it kind of weird, but everyone's different, and I gotta respect that about you.
Sorry, I don't get it. What's weird?
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post #64 of 284 (permalink) Old 12-25-2011, 06:33 PM
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Re: Getting it from all sides - angry

For context, working_together is a repentant disloyal spouse trying to repair her marriage. Humble Married Man is an unrepentant cheater who does not intend to tell his wife.
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post #65 of 284 (permalink) Old 12-25-2011, 06:34 PM
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Re: Getting it from all sides - angry

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I guess I'm just surprised to see the extreme of what usually goes on in a BS's mind, I find it kind of weird, but everyone's different, and I gotta respect that about you.

I think the OP has clarity of thought not seen in many betrayed.
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post #66 of 284 (permalink) Old 12-25-2011, 06:34 PM
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Re: Getting it from all sides - angry

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What happens next? Each person has to decide that for him/herself. All I know is that if one of my kids grows up to marry a pod person, I'm not going to pressure her to stay in the marriage for the sake of making nice. And I'll raise my kids not to be pod people.
elizabeth: "today everything looks the same but its like overnight everything has changed"
-are you fan of the classic 1978 (best) version of Invasion of the body snatchers?
"that not my wife, that not my wife"
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post #67 of 284 (permalink) Old 12-25-2011, 06:44 PM
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Re: Getting it from all sides - angry

Left my cheating wife years ago.Best thing for me.Her,not so much,but hey she was the one who rolled the dice on our marriage.My family and her family both supported my decision,but you know,it wouldn't have mattered anyway because it was my marriage.Sorry you don't get the support,but life moves on and you sound like you know what you can or can't live with.
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post #68 of 284 (permalink) Old 12-25-2011, 07:31 PM
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Re: Getting it from all sides - angry

I think it only says something from the time of the infidelity, generally. In the case of a lie from day 1, it would be the whole marriage.
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post #69 of 284 (permalink) Old 12-25-2011, 08:03 PM
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This boat is more crowded than you think...though they don't know all the details my family (at least parents) know that my STBXW did cheat and two years later are still on this "forgiveness, things can and will get better" thing. Mom thinks she can talk us through to getting back together. Dads approaching it from the religious side...and though the screamed at me for months that I am an unforgiving a$$hole, STBXW made it clear that because I was trying to get passed it and work on all the things she was blaming me for that "caused her to cheat" I rolled over and was essentially to much of a p*$$Y for her.

There isn't much of an option but to do what is best for your piece of mind and well being.
Matthew 19:9. In the bible it gives you permission to get a big D. Forgiveness can still be given even if you can't stay married.
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post #70 of 284 (permalink) Old 12-26-2011, 03:39 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Getting it from all sides - angry

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For context, working_together is a repentant disloyal spouse trying to repair her marriage. Humble Married Man is an unrepentant cheater who does not intend to tell his wife.
Thanks for the info. Nice to meet you two, now if more of you folks would just meet up with each other from the get-go, it would save the rest of us a lot of trouble in the long run, don't you think?

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Originally Posted by Blindasabat View Post
elizabeth: "today everything looks the same but its like overnight everything has changed"
-are you fan of the classic 1978 (best) version of Invasion of the body snatchers?
"that not my wife, that not my wife"
Those pod people made a big impression on me when I was a kid. They look like they should but they're not what you think. Now I don't look much like Donald but wifey does look more than a bit like Brooke, so the metaphor does play at least half-well here at home.

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I think it only says something from the time of the infidelity, generally. In the case of a lie from day 1, it would be the whole marriage.
Friend, if you have a crystal ball, you tell me please where you got it and do they take Diners Club. The point is that you can't know when it started. You can't know how many it was. All of a sudden there's a lot you can't know, and all that horsepucky about lie detectors and truth serum won't help you one bit, those things don't really work accurately and a conscienceless liar won't register on them anyway.

It's not just about playing hide-the-sausage with other folks, it's everything about her. You give her free run to look into every corner of you with a 6-cell maglight, while on her side of the fence, she gives you the 2-dollar tour that she's carefully prepared, and says that's the whole house. Then you find out there's been a secret staircase behind the kitchen the whole time, and God only knows what's down in that root cellar or if you even want to look after what she's pulled.

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Originally Posted by Wanabeelee View Post
Matthew 19:9. In the bible it gives you permission to get a big D. Forgiveness can still be given even if you can't stay married.
I was basically ready to forgive the day after I found out. But she says that some the things I want to forgive her for, she didn't do. I mean, if you're going to get full absolution, you grab it and move on, wouldn't you think? Only banana dictators and Mafia dons usually get that, and she's turning it down. Go figure.

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post #71 of 284 (permalink) Old 12-26-2011, 03:44 AM
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Re: Getting it from all sides - angry

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Originally Posted by lascarx View Post
Thanks for the info. Nice to meet you two, now if more of you folks would just meet up with each other from the get-go, it would save the rest of us a lot of trouble in the long run, don't you think?



Those pod people made a big impression on me when I was a kid. They look like they should but they're not what you think. Now I don't look much like Donald but wifey does look more than a bit like Brooke, so the metaphor does play at least half-well here at home.



Friend, if you have a crystal ball, you tell me please where you got it and do they take Diners Club. The point is that you can't know when it started. You can't know how many it was. All of a sudden there's a lot you can't know, and all that horsepucky about lie detectors and truth serum won't help you one bit, those things don't really work accurately and a conscienceless liar won't register on them anyway.

It's not just about playing hide-the-sausage with other folks, it's everything about her. You give her free run to look into every corner of you with a 6-cell maglight, while on her side of the fence, she gives you the 2-dollar tour that she's carefully prepared, and says that's the whole house. Then you find out there's been a secret staircase behind the kitchen the whole time, and God only knows what's down in that root cellar or if you even want to look after what she's pulled.



I was basically ready to forgive the day after I found out. But she says that some the things I want to forgive her for, she didn't do. I mean, if you're going to get full absolution, you grab it and move on, wouldn't you think? Only banana dictators and Mafia dons usually get that, and she's turning it down. Go figure.
What does she say that she did not do? And why do you think she did them?
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post #72 of 284 (permalink) Old 12-26-2011, 03:52 AM
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Re: Getting it from all sides - angry

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The way they're talking now, I'm almost expecting my mom to bust out with some revelation that I'm actually the product of her getting wet for the termite inspector. I used to look up to my dad but he's suddenly become so morally flabby that I can really imagine him putting up with it if it were true. Probably would offer them the bed so that they wouldn't have to use his bug-spray wheelie-cart. Lord God, what a collection of belly-crawlers. Maybe the stork really did bring me because being the same blood as these people does not compute.

I'm thinking of calling my ex-brother-in-law up and asking him what really went on between him and my sister, and if his family tried to stick a knife in him too. I know that they broke up because her skirt was somehow wired to fly up every time some guy looked at her cross-eyed. But you know, I had respect for family so I stayed out of it as much as I wanted to take his side and tell her off. She even gave him the clap but I can't recall her getting as much grief as I'm getting now. Maybe we guys are just expected to suck it up.
Interesting that in these cases you seem to almost assume it was the woman who cheated.

Ever think that perhaps it might be your father? Maybe your mother forgave him somthing in the past and he knows something about how his wife saved him and the marriage?

And your ex-brother-in-law... why assume it was your sister who cheated? Mybe he did. Or maybe neither did.

I have read that in marriages where the husband cheats, some 92% stay together and the marriage is repaired. In marriages where the wife cheats, fewer than 10% of the men can get past their hurt egos and forgive their wives and work to repair the marriage.

Of course in the past, women were expected to shut up and put up with it when their husbands cheated. It was almost expected.

Today, woman cheat as often as men do. But that husbands are not as forgiving as wives in this situation.
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post #73 of 284 (permalink) Old 12-26-2011, 04:16 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Getting it from all sides - angry

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What does she say that she did not do? And why do you think she did them?
She says that she was honest with me "almost" all of the time and "almost all" of what we experienced together was real. I say, I don't care, you've got 100% absolution for up to 100% phoniness, let's just please close this rodeo because it's raining.

Why did she do it? Who knows why people get into these things? But the real her is a mystery that it isn't worth years of my life to try and comprehend or get to know. We have kids and I have to make sure they're looked out for properly, so I can't cut her off sharp. But I feel no obligations here otherwise.

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Interesting that in these cases you seem to almost assume it was the woman who cheated.

Ever think that perhaps it might be your father? Maybe your mother forgave him somthing in the past and he knows something about how his wife saved him and the marriage?

And your ex-brother-in-law... why assume it was your sister who cheated? Mybe he did. Or maybe neither did.

I have read that in marriages where the husband cheats, some 92% stay together and the marriage is repaired. In marriages where the wife cheats, fewer than 10% of the men can get past their hurt egos and forgive their wives and work to repair the marriage.

Of course in the past, women were expected to shut up and put up with it when their husbands cheated. It was almost expected.

Today, woman cheat as often as men do. But that husbands are not as forgiving as wives in this situation.
You're reading too much into it. Neither of my parents ever cheated. If one of them had, I think the other would have been horribly wounded. But they lecture me now as if they think cheating is basically ok and has always been ok. My mom tells me, "you're making an awful big fuss over this." What is that supposed to mean?

My sister admits to having cheated. She won't marry again and won't get into relationships because she likes variety. I may not identify with her lifestyle, and I sincerely hope she doesn't get any bad bugs, but as long as she doesn't do dope, I'm not going to judge. But she did hurt her ex something awful.

"Repaired" is relative. If you mean that someone puts up with the best he or she can get for whatever reasons he or she has, I'm sure plenty of marriages "get repaired." I would say that if women were on a fairer financial footing in society, you'd see a lot more of those cheating men going out on the ends of their wives' boots.
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post #74 of 284 (permalink) Old 12-26-2011, 04:52 AM
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Re: Getting it from all sides - angry

It's not just about playing hide-the-sausage with other folks, it's everything about her. You give her free run to look into every corner of you with a 6-cell maglight, while on her side of the fence, she gives you the 2-dollar tour that she's carefully prepared, and says that's the whole house. Then you find out there's been a secret staircase behind the kitchen the whole time, and God only knows what's down in that root cellar or if you even want to look after what she's pulled.

This is probably beside the point but what I find most amazing is the vast amount of cover-up words and phrases to describe things and events. I understand that some people just talk that way period, others talk that way because they're out of touch with what they feel - hurt.
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post #75 of 284 (permalink) Old 12-26-2011, 05:06 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Getting it from all sides - angry

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It's not just about playing hide-the-sausage with other folks, it's everything about her. You give her free run to look into every corner of you with a 6-cell maglight, while on her side of the fence, she gives you the 2-dollar tour that she's carefully prepared, and says that's the whole house. Then you find out there's been a secret staircase behind the kitchen the whole time, and God only knows what's down in that root cellar or if you even want to look after what she's pulled.

This is probably beside the point but what I find most amazing is the vast amount of cover-up words and phrases to describe things and events. I understand that some people just talk that way period, others talk that way because they're out of touch with what they feel - hurt.
Don't know what you're getting at with "cover-up". What you're referring to is simply this

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Originally Posted by lascarx View Post
I get what you all mean, but what I loved was what I thought my wife was, not what she really is. It's like having been in love with a character in a movie or a novel.

That person does not exist. She never existed.

Time to get into reality, but there's no need to blow it out of proportion. I got conned. Lots of people get conned.
said a bit differently. Some people might need it expressed in a different way before they get it. There are left-brain folks and there are right-brain ones.
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