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Getting it from all sides - angry

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#1 ·
I just found out my wife has been having a sexual affair for more than a year. We've been married for 8 years, have 2 kids, and I thought we had a great marriage. We were good friends, had a lot of shared experiences and I thought we were really close.

She tells me that she still loves me and wants to go to counseling, but I feel conned and BSed and want out, no deposit, no return. I'm moving out after Christmas and plan to file for divorce after New Years. If she doesn't want the kids, they can live full-time with me, I can figure out how to make it work.

She has now put on this I'm-so-sorry-and-depressed act and both her family and my family are starting to hi-pressure me to try for reconciliation. I can't imagine ever wanting to be near her again, let alone sleep with her. I think if the other guy floats her boat she should go take up with him and be happy, and if she was willing to do it with him for this long, why isn't she doing what comes natural? (Must be the money, I guess.)

I don't know much about him, but I know he's not with anyone else, so it shouldn't be a problem from that end. I have no problem if love blooms eternal for them, it's time for me to start over and find something real of my own, I'm only going to live once.

I mean, let's face it, she's been screwing this other guy and hiding it from me for over a year. That's one month of lying for every year we've been married. Is there anything I'm missing here? I used to think that I was close to my family but with this latest, I'm also thinking of telling them to kiss my behind and adopt her if they think she's so great.
 
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#232 ·
Just read the wife post again
It's ironic that we are communicating here, isn't it? How did you find this place? You, who always wondered why anyone would be interested in "type-chattering their lives away," spending your hours here. Doesn't that tell you something? About how you hurt inside and can't say it to anyone you know, so you find people you don't know?

re-emphasizing how much he needs her. belittling/condescending


When you're writing in anger, did you ever realize that you're just as funny as when you're talking in anger? Just as bombastic and florid. Termite inspectors and body snatchers indeed! The only thing you don't have is me to start giggling and put my arms around you to calm you down.
sweet talking/pandering to your ego

But I need to say something to you and I know if I write it here, you can't discard it.
Don't know what this means.


I finally went to him because you had gathered all of your great strength in a way that I had never seen before and used it all to harden your heart. I was bereft and thought I needed someone who wanted me because I had no hope. I prayed in that moment that I might someday forget you and want him. But I could not, would not ever want him and I could not stay with him. I will never see him again.


She left him because she did not want him long term or out of love for OP?

I have done an awful, an unpardonable thing and I know it. I know why I did it and I will tell you if you let me. I don't expect you to ever forgive me, although I hope you will some day. I know it may never be the same and you may always have doubts.
Well,did she?

But you will always be my sun, my blue sky, the center of my life. Please let just a little ray shine on me, just for today, to see if you can bear it? And if you can bear it, there can then be tomorrow.
Vomit:lol:


I love you so very much and I am so sorry.
ok

Am I taking the insults too far? But I find the message duplicitous and dishonest.
 
#233 ·
Am I taking the insults too far? But I find the message duplicitous and dishonest.
She's duplicitous and dishonest by nature, but I think most of the message is on the mark. She's a liar, but not a compulsive one.

Well,did she?
Yes she did, at least far enough to be to my satisfaction. It's in my other thread if you want to see it.


I just spent an hour reading this thread, and wow. It really almost has literary merit to it (both spouses can turn a phrase, the WW appearing in the 3rd act was the clincher).

Lasc, you are a paragon to all penis-equipped members of the human race. Whatever you decide to do, everyone here knows you had your balls firmly in hand from the get-go, and that's extremely admirable.

For me, this thread is a case-in-point for how to handle an WW from a man's perspective. I'm looking forward to a resolution, whatever it may be.

Godspeed, Lasc, and keep us posted!
Well, I think women should also be decisive in giving a liar husband what he really deserves, so I see it more as a genital-neutral sentiment. Thanks though, it's good to see that some appreciate the notion that you come first, the marriage comes a weak second if at all. If you fold, you can only lose.
 
#234 ·
When I joined up with the Marines in '87 they sent me to the RTD in San Diego. They had an obstacle course there that we had to get through and it had this one horrible obsticle that I still have nightmares about. It was a pit about thirty yards long and maybe ten yards wide. It was about a foot deep filled with foul water, and suspended a foot or so over the top of the water was a net of razor wire. While we were doing PT in the morning we would watch the cooks come out of the mess hall and dump vegetable scraps into the water. The vegetation would rot and turn the whole pit into a sort of vegetable cess pool. Then our Gunny would make us put on our full battle gear and we would have to crawl from one end of the pit to the other on our backs with our M-16 s held above us to keep them out of the water. Raise your knees to high and you'd snag on the RW. The putrid water would get in your mouth, eyes, ears and by the time you got to the other end you were shaking and vomiting. They rewarded us by spraying us down with fire hoses.

We called it the "puke pit". I don't know if its still there or if they still do it that way. The Marines have gotten so PC now they probably got rid of it.

Not trying to belabor this, but I think lascarx should create a "puke pit" of sorts for his wife to crawl through to prove to him she is willing to do whatever it takes to win him back. This woman needs to be held accountable for the pain she has put her family through. Every lie and dirty deed needs to be brought to the surface and exposed to the light. She also has to be fully cognizant that she is no longer in control of the game... lascarx is. Tough love is the name of of the game here, the toughest that lascarx can muster.

Semper fi.
 
#236 ·
Accountability is the pit, transparency is the water. Threat of immediate, nasty laywer-warfare divorce is the razor wire. Make the pit as long as you like: set the timelines you want to set and stick to them. She lives like a nun. She gets no priveleges, no slack, no trust unless she has earned it.

Or... If you don't want to work that hard being her warden, go through with a no-fault and let her go pronto. I guess it depends on how much effort you want to put into this and wether or not you feel the end result will be worth it.
 
#237 ·
no trust unless she has earned it.
There's your problem. I have no idea as to how I could ever trust her again. I have no doubt that she has enough determination to do such as might earn another man's trust back ten times over. But not mine.

Right now she could tell me that it was raining outside and I'd still think I'd do well to go to the window and have me a look-see for myself. I'm not kidding.
 
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#240 ·
I understand where lascarx is coming from.

I too place a high value on honesty. I always give people the benefit of a doubt. But if I find out someone has intentionally lied to me, then I will never have total trust in that person again.

In lascarx's case the one person in the world who had his trust betrayed him and lied about it time and time again. Trust is gone, dead and is not coming back.

Now I am not so totally naive to believe that there are people who never, ever, under any circumstances, tell a lie. Hell I have lied or at least avoided an honest answer to questions like:"Hon, do these pants make my butt look bigger?" or "How do you like my new hair style?"

How can you be with someone who has proved that they cannot be trusted?

This may be too cut and dried, or too rigid for some, but that's just me.
 
#241 ·
After being Lied To, Cheated On, and Played for a Fool for years on end... I have learned only One Truth... Trust No One, Ever and Again...

"Love all, trust few." - William Shakespeare

"I trust no one, not even myself." - Joseph Stalin

"I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you".- Friedrich Nietzsche

"Trust no one, tell your secrets to nobody and no one will ever betray you." - Bigvai Volcy

"Trust your own instinct. Your mistakes might as well be your own, instead of someone else's." - Billy Wilder
 
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#242 ·
Lascarx,

Has your family on your side come around to your way of thinking on the she-pig? I know it was really rough on you in the beginning when they turned on you like a pack of hyenas. What is their attitude now?

I was thinking about you when was out doing my four-mile walk tonight, and I'm worried the STBXW might be wearing you down. Whatever you do brother, don't give in to her venom. The more I think about it, the more I lean towards hoping you'll flush her.

Are you an outdoorsman, a hunter? I hunt and fish, and whenever I'm feeling down and put-upon I toss the cell phone in the closet and go up to the mountains and hang out in the forest for four or five days. It recharges my batteries and I always come back home in a better state of mind. You should drop the kids off with the relatives and go on a vision quest. Get out from under all that weight. It'll do you good.
 
#245 ·
Lascarx,

Has your family on your side come around to your way of thinking on the she-pig? I know it was really rough on you in the beginning when they turned on you like a pack of hyenas. What is their attitude now?
Don't know as I'm ready to label her a she-pig yet. Pigs are warm-blooded, and in her case, of that I am not yet at all certain.

My family knows now to stay out of my business and let me handle my own affairs, no pun intended. We've restored contact but they stay away from the topic. Since my folks are the ones who shuttle the kids back-and-forth, I assume they get all they need to know from the wife.

I was thinking about you when was out doing my four-mile walk tonight, and I'm worried the STBXW might be wearing you down. Whatever you do brother, don't give in to her venom. The more I think about it, the more I lean towards hoping you'll flush her.
She can take her best shot, I'm really not losing any sleep over it. But thanks for your concern. Will I flush her? She either waits for me or quits, so that gives me plenty of time to think her over.

You should drop the kids off with the relatives and go on a vision quest. Get out from under all that weight. It'll do you good.
Good suggestion, and I've thought about doing some hunting lately, but best to save up the vacation time for the divorce, I'm afraid.
 
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#243 ·
Ok, here's the deal, and maybe its because I had it happen to me early, but any person that completely trusts their spouse is in a fantasy. The problem isn't that you can't trust her now, its that you ever trusted her in the first place.

Can you say that, looking back on it, there weren 't any red flags that you missed before and during the affair? A spouse has to be constantly on guard. Even animals that mate for life cheat on each other. Does that make it right? No
I understand where lascarx is coming from.

I too place a high value on honesty. I always give people the benefit of a doubt. But if I find out someone has intentionally lied to me, then I will never have total trust in that person again.

The actuality is neither completely one nor the other.

I'm willing to credit her never having another affair. But once you start lying, you don't stop. It's a slide into the pit. What cost two dollars, you start saying cost one. If you're sad and it's easier to say you're happy, you say you're happy, and vice versa. It's a drag on the constitution to live with someone who has gotten into the habit of lying, who has broken through the moral barrier that keeps you telling the truth, who has lost all control over the impulse to pick the easy way out. Being secure in your deed to your wife's crotch doesn't anywhere near make up for that.

The fact is 70% of women and 75% of men admit they would cheat if they knew they wouldn't get caught. Of course, women always come out better in these statistics but I think they are really dead even. For example, more men cheat by about 10% to 15%more than women. Logically they have to be cheating with women. If the stats are right, more men are cheating with fewer women. That would mean that the women that are cheating are cheating with more partners than men who cheat. I doubt it. I believe the stats are probaly dead even and women are simply more likely to lie than men.(who are probably bragging too.)
But would they cheat if the rules were made clear: you don't get caught, but you do understand that your spouse gets the same shot and you'll never know one way or the other, just like she won't know about you? I think those responses would change drastically upon true reflection of what smashing the institution might mean.


I mean hell, I knew a newlywed that went heels up in a disco parking lot with a dude that didn't even know she had gotten married. Do you think she headed out to get drunk and drop her pants? I don't think so but it would not have happened if her husband had been taking care of business.
I guess we're going to see that one differently. She shouldn't have gotten married to begin with, that woman was still a dumb teenager in her soul if not in years. What business do you think her husband should have been taking care of? I assume he thought he was marrying an adult.

It may just be ,however, that a bird in the hand is worth all the other birds out there.
I still listen well enough. Fat lady hasn't hit the high note yet. Thanks for your kind thoughts.
 
#244 ·
When I started dating my husband 35 years ago, I told him that if he ever cheated on me, he'd never see me again. One strike policy. Then, when we had our child, I reiterated and said you'd also never see your child. (he didn't know that was legally unlikely, but hey)

I asked him recently why he never cheated, and he said that what I told him stuck with him and has always guided him.

In other words, I respected him and gave him the opportunity to make his own choices...knowing what the consequence would be. You can't spend your life monitoring your spouse.

My DD21 has a boyfriend this year. He's super worried about her cheating, and has told her who she can or can't see without him. She was starting to do the same thing with him, and her dad and I gave her this very speech last night. She said all her friends told her to tell him who he could or couldn't see, and I walked her through the logic of that That she didn't like it when he told HER who she could talk to, so why would she do the same thing to him? It's all about respect and consequences.
 
#247 ·
Lascar:

Namaste.


There’s a striking honey badger quality about you.

A steely resoluteness that I find quite admirable (whether you D or R, that decision will not dilute this personality trait in you).

As your name (LascarX) suggests, some kind of an X (factor). Not very common in today’s uncertain times.

I thought I must tell you.
 
#252 ·
A steely resoluteness that I find quite admirable.
I think you got the wrong impression. The whole thing has put me through the wringer pretty bad. The balance is that what I thought were the best times of my life were all based on something that wasn't so, and that still gives me a twinge now and again.

What I didn't do was ever think that what she did or does reflects on what I'm made of. She does what she does because that's what she's made of. Doesn't have anything to do with me.
 
#249 ·
Strange, all the cards and the way they get dealt. I don't think I'm angry at all anymore. I can have a lunch with her now and again and we can talk about the kids' schedules, selling the house, getting things done and finished and put behind us.

Of course with kids, you can't walk away completely, but it hasn't been too hard getting what we can put to rest.
 
#255 ·
Life is too short to be spent in suffering and self-doubt, isn't it? You tip what doesn't work into the dumpster and you move on. Just don't ever do the same dumb thing twice, that's all I can say.
 
#256 ·
This board should have awards for people like lascarx. He is the archetype of a guy who doesn't compromise his own integrity for a cheating poor excuse for a human. Not even with all his family drinking the kool-aid.

Hat's off to you lascarx, your threads should be pinned.
 
#258 ·
Hi @bandit.45 could you PM me a link to his wife's thread. I am banned from SI so I need a link to the thread as I cannot use the search function on that site.

Thanks
 
#260 ·
Somewhat. If you have a membership you can click on the name but that only shows the last fifty posts only unless you have a link to the thread. Note they do not offer the choice between posts and threads. It seems like rug sweeping to me.
 
#267 ·
As I read through this whole thread for the first time, it's pretty clear to me that he had softened his tone toward the end, e.g., he mentioned the chance to take her back, or she is the best mom he'd ever known. I think the first two paragraphs of his wife's response kinda struck him inside.

I registered at SI but couldn't find the search button btw.
 
#269 ·
His wife's SI name was "threw it away". There's no search function on SI, you can find some of her threads with google and that screen handle.

Her last thread (that I can find) says that he suffered a skull fracture on the job and was in an induced coma. There were no further updates after that.

I said a prayer for him and his children, although it happened years ago, now.:frown2:
 
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