Getting it from all sides - angry - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #76 of 284 (permalink) Old 12-26-2011, 05:28 AM
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Re: Getting it from all sides - angry

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Originally Posted by working_together View Post
I guess I'm just surprised to see the extreme of what usually goes on in a BS's mind, I find it kind of weird, but everyone's different, and I gotta respect that about you.
What does that mean?

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That there was a lot of self-deception, on one side or both sides. In any case, at least one person got gypped. How "happy" was that happy marriage? Part of being happy is thinking your spouse is happy, and as soon as the bomb drops, you know it was bogus. You don't know what was going on there. Pod person.
Yes, you have made your position quite clear. I was rather thinking of some other posters here.

Anyway, second chances are overrated, in my humble opinion. Not worth the uncertainty.

Or, should I say that if one gives another individual a second chance, why should they be surprised if they experience some repeat behaviour?

Certainly every poster on this board has been "naughty" in some way or form, at least once in their life. How many people really learn their lesson? How many people think that they've learnt their lesson only to find out later that they haven't? How many people never learn anything at all?

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post #77 of 284 (permalink) Old 12-26-2011, 07:54 AM
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Re: Getting it from all sides - angry

I totally get what you are saying and I think there's no doubt that "hiding the sausage with other folks" means a sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse.
I guess I was just wondering why you chose phrases instead of the actual words. Like I said, some people just talk like that.
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post #78 of 284 (permalink) Old 12-26-2011, 07:55 AM
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Re: Getting it from all sides - angry

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Originally Posted by lascarx View Post
She says that she was honest with me "almost" all of the time and "almost all" of what we experienced together was real. I say, I don't care, you've got 100% absolution for up to 100% phoniness, let's just please close this rodeo because it's raining.
I'm not sure that I understand the arguments that suggest that we should weigh the years together before making a decision about divorce in the face of infidelity. Point is, right now, each and every one of us is the culmination, or sum, of all of our experiences. I agree that if your wife thought that all of those years together were so beautiful, she wouldn't have cheated. Instead, she allowed herself to destroy everything that your marriage stood for. You don't undestroy things. You either choose to start over fresh, or move on. I understand why you feel that there is nothing to start over with. Somewhere deep inside, she assumed that getting caught was worth the risk within such a long term affair, or that you would forgive, or that you were too stupid to ever find out in the first place. When you really think about all of the decisions and assumptions a cheater makes in a long term affair, your decision shouldn't surprise anyone, least of all your parents.

Keep in mind, though, that at some level, your parents might foolishly believe that staying with her will bring you eventual happiness. Its also possible that they don't want you to utter the D-bomb, thinkin that a few weeks might lead you to chance your mind about reconciliation. Its a shame that you are having to be the adult here, but recognize that at least at some level, they think that they are thinking of your happines, maybe. And if you marry again, they might again be your biggest supporters of your marriage.
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post #79 of 284 (permalink) Old 12-26-2011, 08:06 AM
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Re: Getting it from all sides - angry

Lascar,

How are you children coping?
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post #80 of 284 (permalink) Old 12-26-2011, 08:19 AM
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Re: Getting it from all sides - angry

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Sorry, I don't get it. What's weird?
What I meant, and I guess I wasn't clear in my post, was that if you read a lot of the posts from BS, there is a lot of confusion about whether to work on it, wait to see if spouse actually begins to show remorse etc. It's just different that's all, most of the BS are devistated, and become depressed. You seem to have a handle on things and see things very clearly, I just don't see this in a lot of posters.
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post #81 of 284 (permalink) Old 12-26-2011, 08:33 AM
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Re: Getting it from all sides - angry

Some grandparents fear that if one of their children divorces, that it is going to spell the end of their relationship with their grandchildren. They preach forgiveness for the child's cheating spouse for their own selfish reasons.

'I'd rather live by a dream, than live by a lie.
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post #82 of 284 (permalink) Old 12-26-2011, 11:02 AM
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Re: Getting it from all sides - angry

Ah yes Brooke was uh lovely in 1978... anyway how old are the kids? my daughter is five (-why do most divorce when kids are age 5??) basically I can be over my feelings for her and buy me some floozy b gon - still makes me laugh. but I am worried about my daughter and I don't know how the floozy is going to be in the future if we can get to being civil and good co-parents. For one she will be royally pissed off can't take our daughter out of country and can't bring her around OM well too f-ying bad for that this cake shop is closed.
yeah I'm into movies from family man:
Arnie: "the fidelity and trust is a tough creditor you make a deposit in another bank and they close your account forever!"
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post #83 of 284 (permalink) Old 12-26-2011, 01:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Getting it from all sides - angry

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I totally get what you are saying and I think there's no doubt that "hiding the sausage with other folks" means a sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse.
I guess I was just wondering why you chose phrases instead of the actual words. Like I said, some people just talk like that.
You may have a point. But I would say that the crude image of the phrase I used is actually more "fact-facing" than throwing your pile of deodorized syllables at it. So which one of us is covering up with euphemisms? You tell me.

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Originally Posted by Halien View Post
When you really think about all of the decisions and assumptions a cheater makes in a long term affair, your decision shouldn't surprise anyone, least of all your parents.
Long-term or short-term don't make the difference, as far as I'm concerned. The wife got so whiny this morning that I said, ok, 5 minutes to speak your piece and that's the last I want to hear. She tells me that the actual bed affair was only going on for a couple of weeks, it's only the emails that have been going on for longer and most of them aren't even affair material, and the reason she left the house in a hurry on what turned out to be D-day was really to tell him that it was a mistake and over. She begged me to read all the emails going back to the beginning. She truly did not understand that even if her story were true, it wouldn't make things any better.

This morning early, I went through the computer we share and deleted every picture I could find which had both of us in it. Then I packed up all our old photographs from our dating and courtship days, all the wedding things, all our love letters. I took it all up off the route and built a fire. If it wasn't something that would burn, I broke it. The plates, the lovers' cups, the teapot, the little porcelain bells, I just took my sledge short-arm and turned them into talcum powder, let the wind blow it away. I thought it was going to be painful in some way or another, but it wasn't - I actually started to feel lighter. All the memories that came up - bringing her breakfast-in-bed on those plates our first morning married, the love poem I somehow managed to scrawl when I was being jostled about in a seaplane, how she looked on our wedding day.... it was all like it happened to someone else, then it all started fading somehow. It occurred to me that maybe the reason people can't forget painful things is because they try to separate out the good from the bad, try to hold onto one and drop the other. But memories are not divisible that way. Have to take them the way they are or surrender them completely.

I got home and the kids were watching TV while the wife was sitting in the kitchen and staring out the window. I packed her grip and told her, it's enough, you're not helping things here and it's time for you to go to him. No need to sneak anymore, you can sleep in his bed, he can tune your engine day and night and you can start preparing for playing house. Time to get out and live by daylight like the rest of us. She waited a moment, took the grip and left, could barely look me in the eye. I thought, bingo. I don't know what or who you are but I know what you want. So that's resolved. I don't plan to lord it over my folks (or hers, for that matter) but can now get some peace and quiet, I think.

After all was said and done, I remembered that the English call the day after Christmas "Boxing Day." And I thought that was appropriate. I'm taking the last bits of refuse from this mistake and boxing them up neat for the trashman. Next thing to go is this house and that puts paid to her.

There's obviously still some legal stuff to resolve but I figure that if I haven't found closure yet, I think I'm very close to it.

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Lascar,

How are you children coping?
Just fine, I think. Thanks for asking.
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post #84 of 284 (permalink) Old 12-26-2011, 01:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Getting it from all sides - angry

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Originally Posted by Blindasabat View Post
Ah yes Brooke was uh lovely in 1978... anyway how old are the kids? my daughter is five (-why do most divorce when kids are age 5??) basically I can be over my feelings for her and buy me some floozy b gon - still makes me laugh. but I am worried about my daughter and I don't know how the floozy is going to be in the future if we can get to being civil and good co-parents. For one she will be royally pissed off can't take our daughter out of country and can't bring her around OM well too f-ying bad for that this cake shop is closed.
yeah I'm into movies from family man:
Arnie: "the fidelity and trust is a tough creditor you make a deposit in another bank and they close your account forever!"
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Mine are 7 and 4. Good luck to you, it sounds like you at least have some leverage.
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post #85 of 284 (permalink) Old 12-26-2011, 01:23 PM
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Re: Getting it from all sides - angry

How do your kids feel about their Mom being so willing to take her stuff and leave?

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post #86 of 284 (permalink) Old 12-26-2011, 01:36 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Getting it from all sides - angry

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How do your kids feel about their Mom being so willing to take her stuff and leave?
That almost makes it sound like they saw her leaving with a sprightly step and a T-shirt printed with "I Am So Glad To Leave My Kids." Of course it wasn't like that.

My older knows we're splitting up, my younger probably doesn't understand all that well. They are certainly sad because it's not a happy place here at the moment, if for no other reason. But I told them straight-out that I would always be there for them, and that their mom would be around plenty. Now she has to decide whether or not she wants to live up to that.
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post #87 of 284 (permalink) Old 12-26-2011, 01:39 PM
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Re: Getting it from all sides - angry

I don't see anything wrong here. He's doing what he thinks is best for HIM.

Not all BS's are going to be fogged-up. For some its just a straight-up dealbreaker.

Not every BS is gonna take the high road like our friend oldmittens.

I commend you for taking the initiative and not wallowing in self-pity.

Good Luck.
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post #88 of 284 (permalink) Old 12-26-2011, 01:55 PM
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Re: Getting it from all sides - angry

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That almost makes it sound like they saw her leaving with a sprightly step and a T-shirt printed with "I Am So Glad To Leave My Kids." Of course it wasn't like that.

My older knows we're splitting up, my younger probably doesn't understand all that well. They are certainly sad because it's not a happy place here at the moment, if for no other reason. But I told them straight-out that I would always be there for them, and that their mom would be around plenty. Now she has to decide whether or not she wants to live up to that.
I'm sorry I got that wrong, it sounded like she just took the stuff you packed, got up and left. I know it happens. My father walked out on me like that. I'm glad your kids are doing alright.
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post #89 of 284 (permalink) Old 12-26-2011, 02:48 PM
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Re: Getting it from all sides - angry

lascarx, I wish you all the luck in the world.
Here's to hoping that your lawyer is true to your case and you don't draw a judge who is bedding down with one (or both) of the attorneys involved in this mess.
Just remember it doesn't always turn out the way it should.
The most important thing is that you and she are no longer "we", so anything more you get out of the experience is just trimming on the tree.
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post #90 of 284 (permalink) Old 12-26-2011, 02:53 PM
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Re: Getting it from all sides - angry

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why do most divorce when kids are age 5??
According to what I've read unlike the often used term "7 year itch" the actual optimal (bad terminology I know) time for a couple to split is about the 4 or 5 year time frame. According to Dr. Helen Fisher in our ancestor's primeval days this is about the time when the child no longer needed to be carried around by the mother and could take his/her place among the tribe's other children to be watched over by all. Without the burden of a child the mother could then go out and look for the best mate to give her the next child. Most of the time this was not the father of her previous child. Fisher goes on to conclude that this biological "clock" seems to have been carried over to modern society because statistics show that couples often divorce most frequently before the 5th year of marriage.
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