I did think about what Christmas might have been like but no matter what I would have been opening presents with my kids. The best present I could give them is us all together. It could have been a terrible Christmas but i'm happy I'm laying relaxing beside my wife and our little boy keeps asking for more chocolate "monies". Still lots of work ahead but it's a good day. Posted via Mobile Device
Good for you. Last Christmas was very hard for Pidge and I, going through the motions. This year was MUCH better. Merry Christmas dinger.
Glad to see Ally posting again. She seems contrite and dinger is obviously not lording over her, or trying to punish her. This is encouraging. I think that her and dinger should try journaling to one another. Just one page letters about their feelings. Not so much about the affair but about the qualities (positive) of the other person. I am also encouraged by Ally's thankfulness for her husbands patience and forbearance with her. Maintain strict boundaries, and for a while I would be very deliberate in ensuring that dinger is given more information about your activities. Kind of like light shining in every corner of your marriage. Transparency.
2. that he will never ever be able to trust you again. you repeatedly tossed him aside for the OM
3. second best. you kept going back to the OM when he called. you lied lied lied all for him. You've shown your husband through repeated conscious choices that he is 2nd best.
4. he's feeling worthless and lost. Like his only role in life is to be there as your roommate and servant and baby sitter for your kids.
5. he has likely stayed with you not out of love, but out of desperation. he doesn't want to lose his kids, and he feels trapped with a wife who tossed him aside, and who says she loves him, but clearly doesn't based on her actions.
6. unloved and lied to. You once said you loved him (wedding vows) but you tossed him aside to cheated repeatedly. Now the OM tossed you aside, and you came back claiming you now love him. would you believe you or would you just be waiting until the next time you run off?
7. worthless
1. Yes i feel extremely betrayed
2. yes i do not know when i will be able to trust her again or believe what she is telling me
3. i dont feel like her second choice anymore. i definitly did after D-day#1 when the other man dumped Allybabe and i took her back. She could have been with him after D-day #2. He wanted to be with her but she chose to commit to me and meet the conditions i required before she could move home.
4. i do not feel worthless and lost. I am a good man, a good husband and i great father. i have my faults of course but i am confident in who i am.
5. I do love Allybabe. i do not worry about losing my kids. During the seperation( 1 month of her in another house) i had the kids 5 days a week. I would never give this up. I do not feel trapped in this marriage. I chose to stay with my wife and she chose to come back to me. i did feel the desperation at first though. Actually before i found this site and took control of my life back. i owe people on here alot.
6.yes. Unloved and lied to. She needs to continue to prove her love for me through actions and not just words. Part of me is waiting for it to happen again but i dont fear it anymore.
7. Again i do not feel worthless. i am a strong, loving, good man.
Thankyou for these. They sparked alot of good conversation with my wife.
"In many ways the hardest thing I had to heal from was not the affair or the sex...it was the dishonesty."
This really rings true for me. Its not the pysical part that is the hardest for me. its the lies. The contstant diet of lies i was recieving. i never imagined that this woman i loved for 14 yrs was capable of doing this. i have told her that it is like she took the memorys of that girl/woman from me or that the woman i loved never exsisted at all. This is the biggest challenge for me. To see which version of Allybabe is the real one. The woman she was for thirteen years or the woman she was for a year.
Have you discussed with your husband how your lover was superior to you husband? What special things you shared with him you know you could never with your husband? How are you getting past the withdrawl from your lover?
This is my wife. You can search my threads for more info. In short she is doing everything I could ask
to make this right. The advice and help from people on these boards has helped me and Ihope now you can continue to help both of us. We are early in this. NC, full transperancy, and starting counseling in the new year. The love is there, the remorse is there even if you don't see it in her post. I see it everyday. I don't see any other admitted couples on this board so maybe our story from two side will help others as we begin to try and build a new marriage. I love my wife, I forgive my wife. I am extremely hurt and sometimes very angry. I do not trust her and it is very hard for me to believe anything she says. We have a beautiful 5 yr old girl and a handsome 3 yr old boy that are also part of this. We want to heal this family. This is the last chance. Any breech of NC on her part will be divorce. We will share our feelings and experiances with you as we go through this. Posted via Mobile Device
It's good that both you and your wife are here. Good for you and good for others to read. I hope your wife comes back. It might be hard for her at first. But I think with you and her posting together... perhaps on the same thread... people who back off on the harsh posts to her. So perhaps the two of you can start a thread together?
This really rings true for me. Its not the pysical part that is the hardest for me. its the lies. The contstant diet of lies i was recieving. i never imagined that this woman i loved for 14 yrs was capable of doing this. i have told her that it is like she took the memorys of that girl/woman from me or that the woman i loved never exsisted at all. This is the biggest challenge for me. To see which version of Allybabe is the real one. The woman she was for thirteen years or the woman she was for a year.
That was my biggest challenge as well. When I looked at my wife I didn't see the woman I married at all. I saw someone that killed my wife and was pretending to be her. It was through much discussion that I came to realize that the woman I married wasn't the one I thought because that women never existed. Even though we had problems in our marriage I always thought my wife was beyond temptation. What I came to see is that NOBODY is beyond temptation and neither the women I thought I married nor the woman that was having the affair were really my wife. She was the woman that ended the affair and owned up to her terrible choices.
This is the woman that not only did everything I asked but went above and beyond to improve herself, our marriage and by extension...me. This is the woman I chose to spend the rest of my life with. This is the woman I respect more than anyone else I know or have ever met. And we have a stronger marriage because I left the innocence behind and grew to love my wife for all that she is, both good and bad. For us it was damned hard but it was worth it.
So it was your husband finally drawing a line and not accepting your cake eating that you started to turn around?
I wish more BS would see how much better this works vs begging.
I noticed a change in her when the consiquences of the affair started to sink in. When I first told her to leave she was
still planning on continuing the affair. After she was exposed it was hard for her. She lost her home, lost her kids ( I had them mon-fri) and she was getting s'?$ on from all sides
for what she had done. Then I did a 180 after reading on here. She started to reach out. I was done with limbo at this point. I couldn't handle it anymore. One night when she was over I gave her a choice. Commit to me, our marriage and agree to the things I need to begin again ( NC, Transperancy, etc) or Divorce. She chose me and asked for my forgiveness. I'm not sure when she felt she turned around. Allybabe?
That was my biggest challenge as well. When I looked at my wife I didn't see the woman I married at all. I saw someone that killed my wife and was pretending to be her. It was through much discussion that I came to realize that the woman I married wasn't the one I thought because that women never existed. Even though we had problems in our marriage I always thought my wife was beyond temptation. What I came to see is that NOBODY is beyond temptation and neither the women I thought I married nor the woman that was having the affair were really my wife. She was the woman that ended the affair and owned up to her terrible choices.
This is the woman that not only did everything I asked but went above and beyond to improve herself, our marriage and by extension...me. This is the woman I chose to spend the rest of my life with. This is the woman I respect more than anyone else I know or have ever met. And we have a stronger marriage because I left the innocence behind and grew to love my wife for all that she is, both good and bad. For us it was damned hard but it was worth it.
I thought my wife was beyond temptation as well. Because I thought she would never leave I got lazy in my marriage. I never learned how to
be the husband she needed. I AM NOT taking blame for the affair by saying this. I am taking responsibility for my 50% of the marriage breakdown. I am pretty sure even without the affair we were headed for divorce. After 4 years she had it. I was not happy either but I honestly thought that this was what marriage was like. It wasn't bad but it wasn't good. I learned a lot and have become a better man after D-day 1. She has to become a better wife now. It is her turn to learn what I need as well. I should say though that there is at least one person beyond temptation. That is me especially now that I have seen what infidelity does to everyone it touches. Posted via Mobile Device
I noticed a change in her when the consiquences of the affair started to sink in. When I first told her to leave she was
still planning on continuing the affair. After she was exposed it was hard for her. She lost her home, lost her kids ( I had them mon-fri) and she was getting s'?$ on from all sides
for what she had done. Then I did a 180 after reading on here. She started to reach out. I was done with limbo at this point. I couldn't handle it anymore. One night when she was over I gave her a choice. Commit to me, our marriage and agree to the things I need to begin again ( NC, Transperancy, etc) or Divorce. She chose me and asked for my forgiveness. I'm not sure when she felt she turned around. Allybabe?]
I don't think I can pinpoint a moment when it changed. All thru the last year I was battling feelings for a man that was a forbidden fruit, like a drug I needed to be happy and what I felt for my husband & marriage. When I was home with my family I had so many happy times & even felt I cud stop talking to the OM but then I wud have a rough patch. Whether it be guilt suffocating me, or my LH wud want more information than I wanted to share cuz I saw the hurt in his eyes or some situation wud come up at work & it was easier to vent to the OM cuz he understood my job better. And it seemed to get easier to hide it or disconnect from home at work or from work at home. It seemed sereal to me, I turned into 2 different people & the longer it went on, the easier it got to convince myself I was missing something in my life at home, that maybe this was my way to find what it was.
When it all came to blows, I somehow thought it wud just be simple. Walk away from my life, figure out what it was I felt I was missing, be w the OM. But I instantly hated myself, hated what I was doing, and felt more empty than I had ever imagined. The OM telling me it wud get worse before it got better, but I found myself getting madder & madder at him for enabling me to be so hurtful. My family was collapsing on & around me. I have said it before but reality started to sink in & I started seeing my life much different than I had for for quite awhile. I saw a how much i hurt people, saw my husband as a loving, honest man who wud move mountains for his lived ones, not the man he was year ago or for the 1st 4 yrs of our marriage. My perspective just changed so fast, I started realizing how much I was losing, how much I loved the father of my children & the man that with one electric kiss cud melt me completely. When I had the kids I made excuses to bring them back to "our" house cuz I craved the normalcy of our space. When I was there I didn't want to leave. The moment I wud drive away I was in hysterics & the OM wud try talk me down but I wud just get defensive. I wanted my life back. I wanted my husband to hold me, to feel his warmth next to me, his familiar smell, how we laughed at the dorkiest things. Wanted our kids to come crawl into bed with us to cuddle. I gave into love.
He was in limbo & wanted me to chose, i knew what I wanted & chose to do anything he wud ever want to try make us better. It wasnt a moment decision, it was just what i knew i needed to do & where i belonged. I want to make him smile at me like we did when we were happy.
I will be honest & say there has been moments when I have questioned if coming back was the right choice cuz I see how much I have hurt him. I dont wonder if this is where I Shud be but whether I deserve another chance. I worry that he will never feel whole again because of what I have taken from his heart & that is tearing me apart. I deserve all this hurt, he doesn't.
It takes some time, 2 years or more, until you will get to the point that the affair is put behind you. And the only way to get there is to work together. If you do this you can have a stronger, more passionate marriage than you did before. I wish both of you well on this journey.
And so what consequences has the OM suffered for his apparently very active part in the affair and hurting of the marriage?
- he counseled you on how to work through betraying your husband
- he counseled you on how to deal with getting tossed out and how to get cozier with him
- he no doubt counseled you on how to hide the affair
- he seems to have pursued you at work (as your boss)
- he pursued the relationship even after got remarried!
You said you spoke to your other boss about it, has the OM sufferer anything for his actions?
Since the OM had his own wife supposedly cheat on him, didn't he feel any remorse for doing it to another marriage another man?
It takes some time, 2 years or more, until you will get to the point that the affair is put behind you. And the only way to get there is to work together. If you do this you can have a stronger, more passionate marriage than you did before. I wish both of you well on this journey.
This is scary for both of us to think about. 2+ years of feeling like this. We talk about it and if we're strong enough. Still tears almost everyday in Allybabes eyes. (some happy). Doubts are quickly shutdown though when any talk of what an alternative life would be like. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: My story. In sort of short form. 
especially now that I have seen what infidelity does to everyone it touches.
