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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 12-28-2011, 08:20 PM   #91 (permalink)
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Default Re: My story. In sort of short form.

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Originally Posted by joe kidd View Post
As far as impartial goes.... Most of the posters in this thread have been through something similar so like it or not the sympathy is going to swing to the LS more times then not..Exactly the point. Still confused? Just the way it is here. Dinger, you have a thread don't you?
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Old 12-28-2011, 08:51 PM   #92 (permalink)
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Default Re: My story. In sort of short form.

I am going to agree with Jonesey & pidge that some threads may be more candid with replies if we keep ours seperate. I am glad that we can have open & frank discussions on here but I know there will be times when I'm having a rough day & I will post on TAM without the immediate thought being that Dinger will be the 1st to reply. Just as dinger created his thread about bad days. I Will create another when or if I feel the need then. I will not post on his as our bad days will be different & some things said are for others to respond to & not the other spouse before it is discussed. As for this thread I am ok with what it has evolved into & I am glad dinger can put a MSG on here to say something to me & others when it is bothering him if i am not available, ie im at work or he is or just not available to discuss but we need a vent.
I ffeel like this is "our" thread now. I really do appreciate everyone's words, suggestions & input on here & I am very glad dinger encouraged me to join. It is helping a great deal. Thank you.
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Last edited by Allybabe_18; 12-28-2011 at 08:56 PM.
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Old 12-28-2011, 09:20 PM   #93 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by joe kidd View Post
As far as impartial goes.... Most of the posters in this thread have been through something similar so like it or not the sympathy is going to swing to the LS more times then not. Just the way it is here. Dinger, you have a thread don't you?
A few. My side of the story is kinda scattered throughout various threads.
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Old 12-29-2011, 12:31 AM   #94 (permalink)
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Default Re: My story. In sort of short form.

As a person who's in this exact position- as a friend of the BS- I want to chime in. Although I respect my friends' decision to "work it out," I don't feel compelled to be friends with his WS. Sure we used to all get along great, but now its different. I wouldn't snub her in any way, but I wouldn't go out of my way to be "overly" nice to her, either. Sorry.
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Old 12-29-2011, 07:44 AM   #95 (permalink)
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Default Re: My story. In sort of short form.

I think its more that its hard for husbands to let their wives hang out or GNO with a cheater. I can imagine my wife asking for a GNO with a cheater. Two chances there, slim and none. So this has effects outside of the marriage as well.
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Old 12-29-2011, 11:42 AM   #96 (permalink)
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Default Re: My story. In sort of short form.

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I can understand where he is coming from with this but I am not sure how to proceed with it. Should I delete every picture from that time and start fresh? I have offered to scrub them and when asked which I sent I was honest and up front. So I guess i am wondering what other BS would want in this situation?

As for the OM walking around with pics of myself and 2 pics of our children in his phone, I am very confident that they are long deleted if not by him, then by his BW. I have no way to guarentee that so I dont know what to say or do to make Dinger feel better other than deleting anything during that time. Including the ones I sent to Dinger and others in my family. Block that entire time out cuz he says the entire EA/PA has tainted every memory in the last 10 months.
Ally,

This might give you a clue as to how a BS thinks. Many years ago my W was given a very expensive ring by one of her AP. After we were well on our way to R she brought all the things she could think of to the living room so we could decide get rid of them. I knew about the ring and it was not there. I asked about it and she said she thought she should sell it and then take the money and buy me something. I told her that I would consider anything I received to have been purchased with "blood money" and I didn't want that. She asked me what I wanted her to do with it and I told her to destroy it. She said "do you know how much that ring is worth?" I asked her how much our marriage was worth? My wife looked down at the floor and said "I never realized how things trigger you that much." She took a pair of wire cutters and cut the ring up into small bits and threw it in the garbage. BTW, the ring was worth several thousand dollars.
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Old 01-05-2012, 04:51 PM   #97 (permalink)
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Default Re: My story. In sort of short form.

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I refused to see him until I was sure he was done w her.
So you planned on still seeing him AFTER your H took you back and forgave you? Wow. I think its safe to say he gave that forgiveness WAY too quickly.


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Then she phoned my LH. He told me to get out. I packed my bags, upset but being encouraged by the OM that we wud get thru it & be together.
I was really struggling, on the cusp of losing my kids, my entire family was coming down hard on me (understandably cuz what was doing was stupid). My LH was furious but I knew he loved me more than anything and I started seeing him different.
So basically he forgave you twice, knowing that you actually were his 2nd choice? Because its clear if the OM would have left his CLW to be with you, your marriage would be history.

Only reason you are back with your husband is because you came back to him more than once because the OM ended it with you.


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He had been responsible for 50% of the 1st round but he had done nothing but work his hardest to make us better.
Correction. He is responsible for 50% of the state of your marriage. He is NOT responsible for your decision to cheat and not responsible for you putting him 2nd until you figured out what the OM's intentions were.


Quote:
So now my life is an open book w my LH and I am honestly going to do anything & everything I can to show my husband I love him, what I did was wrong and that *we can grow through this.*
I know our marriage will ever be the same but I am committed to make it something better than it ever could have been, us knowing where it broke down in the 1st place.*So now with NC, me doing anything & everything each day to show my husband I do love him & I am never going to hurt him as I have up until now.
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You need to thank your lucky stars you have your husband. Not many men would put up with what you have done.

So you are willing to do whatever it takes to show him he is more important to you now.
So let me ask you a hypothetical question. What if you said you were going on a girls night out some Saturday and he said "absolutely not, I can see that would be nothing but trouble" would you honor his wishes?
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Old 01-05-2012, 04:56 PM   #98 (permalink)
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It will be hard for dinger's friends who saw the pain he went through to accept that you are back with him. Just like your friend reacted, his friends will react in different ways also.
I agree with this completely. Especially after going through my own divorce, I ended up playing counselor to a buddy of mine with a cheating wife. I told him that he has to do what he thinks he has to do, but that I didn't want to be around her after that. So that if we were to ever hang out, it would have to be without her. I'd be scared what I'd say if we all hung out as a group and I had a little to drink.


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Most will not believe he is giving you a second chance after what has happened.
He actually gave her a 3rd chance, and from the timeline of the story, maybe even a 4th.


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Most of his friends are going to treat you with coldness at first. His true friends will accept his decision. They will come around in time.
A true friend will accept his decision, but still doesn't have to accept her.


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But, from what I have seen in your husband's post's, he is a man of high character and stability who loves you very much. If a "friend" cannot support his decisions, I have no doubt he will not regard them as "friends" and will no longer associate with them.

Again, I supported my friend and would always be there for him. Still doesn't mean I have to respect a woman that cheated on him several times.
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Old 01-06-2012, 12:27 PM   #99 (permalink)
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Exclamation Re: My story. In sort of short form.

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So you planned on still seeing him AFTER your H took you back and forgave you? Wow. I think its safe to say he gave that forgiveness WAY too quickly.

*Did you read this entire post and Thread?

Yes, I still talked to him after my husband took me back. I was already talking to the OM for months before I seen him for "our" time. We work for the same company so i had seen him at company functions. He was contacting me to get back together and I wudnt see him for other than work.



So basically he forgave you twice, knowing that you actually were his 2nd choice? Because its clear if the OM would have left his CLW to be with you, your marriage would be history.

You dont quite have the timeline in the correct order. The 2nd time I broke it off with the OM and chose to love my husband and make our marriage work. Yes, he was "my second choice" the 1st time but now he is my only choice.

Only reason you are back with your husband is because you came back to him more than once because the OM ended it with you.

The OM ended it with me the 1st time. I ended it the 2nd time, and the OM was NOT happy about it. He got mad, he begged, he offered anything to have me but I DID NOT WANT HIM. I WANT MY HUSBAND AND MY FAMILY I HAVE.



Correction. He is responsible for 50% of the state of your marriage. He is NOT responsible for your decision to cheat and not responsible for you putting him 2nd until you figured out what the OM's intentions were.

Again, Read the whole thread. I clarified what I meant in the sentance about where responsibility falls in our story.


You need to thank your lucky stars you have your husband. Not many men would put up with what you have done.

I do thank my lucky stars every friggin' minute of every day in the past month and I plan to continue for the rest of my life. You are right, not many men would "put up" with all I have put my family through but that is also why I am not with "many other men". I am with my husband. The man I fell in love with when I was 17yrs old, the man I had 2 beautiful babies with and the man that is teaching me how to love and be a better woman than I have ever been. A strong, loving, forgiving, amazing man.

So you are willing to do whatever it takes to show him he is more important to you now.
So let me ask you a hypothetical question. What if you said you were going on a girls night out some Saturday and he said "absolutely not, I can see that would be nothing but trouble" would you honor his wishes?
Why would he say "absolutely not, I can see that would be nothing but trouble"? I know you do not know him but I believe he would simply say he is not comfortable with it or depending on who I was going out with he would probably not have an issue with it. He knows all my friends and the ones that have not been "positive" to our relationship are not a part of my life anymore. I did not have an affair on a girls nite out, I had it in my everyday life, at my job and he hasnt asked me to quit. (I offered). I think us growing from this will be a tough road but if we are both honestly commited to it and understand what got us where we are then we will be okay.

Last edited by Allybabe_18; 01-06-2012 at 12:37 PM.
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Old 01-06-2012, 12:35 PM   #100 (permalink)
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Default Re: My story. In sort of short form.

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I agree with this completely. Especially after going through my own divorce, I ended up playing counselor to a buddy of mine with a cheating wife. I told him that he has to do what he thinks he has to do, but that I didn't want to be around her after that. So that if we were to ever hang out, it would have to be without her. I'd be scared what I'd say if we all hung out as a group and I had a little to drink.

I agree that maybe this is how his friends feel.


He actually gave her a 3rd chance, and from the timeline of the story, maybe even a 4th.

*twice. Reread the timeline.



A true friend will accept his decision, but still doesn't have to accept her.

They do not have to accept me but they will have to accept that him and I are a pair. If they want him they will get me too. Cuz not being a pair is what got us here.


Again, I supported my friend and would always be there for him. Still doesn't mean I have to respect a woman that cheated on him several times.
I am sure through all thru this our circle of friends will change, they already have some. We only expect his friends or mine to respect him, I have to earn that back with them. BUT part of respecting him is respecting his wish for his friends to at least be polite to me.

Thank you for all your words on here Dexter Morgan, this is a great place to share words and see responses. It puts things in different perspective when you can see it how others do. I really do hope you find someone to love as much as my husband loves me.
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Old 01-06-2012, 01:04 PM   #101 (permalink)
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Default Re: My story. In sort of short form.

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Originally Posted by Allybabe_18 View Post
*Did you read this entire post and Thread?
Yes, I did.


Quote:
You dont quite have the timeline in the correct order. The 2nd time I broke it off with the OM and chose to love my husband and make our marriage work. Yes, he was "my second choice" the 1st time but now he is my only choice.
Timeline correct or not, you still were in contact with OM with an idea there still might be something with him AFTER your husband forgave you the first time. That part of the timeline is not in dispute.


Quote:
The OM ended it with me the 1st time. I ended it the 2nd time, and the OM was NOT happy about it. He got mad, he begged, he offered anything to have me but I DID NOT WANT HIM. I WANT MY HUSBAND AND MY FAMILY I HAVE.

Your husband forgave you once. After this forgiveness and the 2nd chance, you went back to canoodeling with the OM. You were, at that time, seeing if there was something there. Yes, you ended it, but only after OM wasn't going to swing your way.

So your H was your 2nd choice. You chose him because the OM wasn't going to be available to you. His hysterical antics after you ended it are irrelevant.


Quote:
I do thank my lucky stars every friggin' minute of every day in the past month and I plan to continue for the rest of my life. You are right, not many men would "put up" with all I have put my family through but that is also why I am not with "many other men". I am with my husband. The man I fell in love with when I was 17yrs old, the man I had 2 beautiful babies with and the man that is teaching me how to love and be a better woman than I have ever been. A strong, loving, forgiving, amazing man.

And thats all very good. But do not think that a man that won't forgive this kind of thing isn't a great man. Not putting up with such disrespect does not make a man any less great.

So now that it is supposedly over, hopefully you won't make a fool out of him again.






Quote:
Why would he say "absolutely not, I can see that would be nothing but trouble"?
I'm not saying that he did, but nobody could blame him if he did say this. Just asking a hypothetical to see if you truly will do whatever it takes to make it up to him.


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I know you do not know him but I believe he would simply say he is not comfortable with it or depending on who I was going out with he would probably not have an issue with it.
Ok, however you want to word it. The sentiment is the same.


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He knows all my friends and the ones that have not been "positive" to our relationship are not a part of my life anymore.
Thats good.


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I did not have an affair on a girls nite out, I had it in my everyday life, at my job and he hasnt asked me to quit. (I offered).
I understand that. But once someone is found out to be a cheater, however it may have happened, then other activities start to not sit well with the betrayed spouse.
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Old 01-06-2012, 01:09 PM   #102 (permalink)
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Thank you for all your words on here Dexter Morgan, this is a great place to share words and see responses. It puts things in different perspective when you can see it how others do. I really do hope you find someone to love as much as my husband loves me.
No problem for the words, and plain and to the point my style is

As far as finding someone to love, nah. I'm done with that. Never again. I still support the idea of marriage and love, but for me, its now something I can do without.
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Old 01-06-2012, 10:24 PM   #103 (permalink)
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Default Re: My story. In sort of short form.

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Ally,

This might give you a clue as to how a BS thinks. Many years ago my W was given a very expensive ring by one of her AP. After we were well on our way to R she brought all the things she could think of to the living room so we could decide get rid of them. I knew about the ring and it was not there. I asked about it and she said she thought she should sell it and then take the money and buy me something. I told her that I would consider anything I received to have been purchased with "blood money" and I didn't want that. She asked me what I wanted her to do with it and I told her to destroy it. She said "do you know how much that ring is worth?" I asked her how much our marriage was worth? My wife looked down at the floor and said "I never realized how things trigger you that much." She took a pair of wire cutters and cut the ring up into small bits and threw it in the garbage. BTW, the ring was worth several thousand dollars.
I really get the trigger, but wow, my initial reaction would be to sell it and pay off some bills, that's because in my house money is tight. Good for her to do it though.
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Old 01-06-2012, 10:31 PM   #104 (permalink)
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I really get the trigger, but wow, my initial reaction would be to sell it and pay off some bills, that's because in my house money is tight. Good for her to do it though.
That was what she said as well but I saw that ring as proceeds from prostitution. That's the only way I could describe it. I would rather lose everything we own via bankruptcy than profit from her affair. When I explained to her how intensely I really felt she had no problem destroying it.

Edit: What was that movie with Demi Moore, Robert Redford and Woody Harrelson where he offered them a huge sum of money for one night with her and it destroyed them?
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Old 01-06-2012, 11:58 PM   #105 (permalink)
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That was what she said as well but I saw that ring as proceeds from prostitution. That's the only way I could describe it. I would rather lose everything we own via bankruptcy than profit from her affair. When I explained to her how intensely I really felt she had no problem destroying it.

Edit: What was that movie with Demi Moore, Robert Redford and Woody Harrelson where he offered them a huge sum of money for one night with her and it destroyed them?
Indecent Proposal
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