My story. In sort of short form.
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 12-24-2011, 06:35 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My story. In sort of short form.

I am new to this site but my husband suggested I come check it out as I am struggling with allot of guilt, anxiety & panic attacks. He has found allot of help here.*

I had an affair. The OM was my previous boss, still working for the same company just in diff locations. I'm not even sure how it started because now after the fact ppl have pointed out things he was doing that I mistook for just regular kindness. I was very unhappy in my marriage & it had for the most part hit rock bottom. A husband who just wasnt there for me in so many ways.The other man knew I was upset on more than one occasion, he wud say all the right things & started to give ideas how to get out of my marriage, he had been divorced after his wife of 22yrs left him for another man. Venting texts, work frustration Phn calls became more frequent and then we had to travel for work, my LH had a major melt down when I was gone & the OM is where I found comfort. *It just snowballed from there. I tried to end it w my LH before he found anything out, as did the OM. His common-law wife intercepted some emails, confronted him & he told her he wanted out. The OM & I had plan an evening away, that was the night it went from EA to a PA. *The next day, the OM dumped me. He said he needed to stay w her cuz he Cudnt be alone & knew I was not relocating for some time. I was crushed, I put my tail between my legs & went back to my LH. He found out of the affair within days & the $hit hit the fan. My LH took me back, forgive & forget.*
BUT the OM still contacted me, came to see me "to explain" y he had dumped me, told me he had made a mistake & still loved me. I didn't know what to do or think so I continued to fake my way thru my marriage & had random contact w OM. He then told me he was marrying his CLW. I was crushed all over again. But within a couple wks of putting his ring on he was back to texting me that he had it all wrong. Then he said he was going to leave her cuz he Cudnt live without me. And the texts, calls, emails all became more frequent. I refused to see him until I was sure he was done w her. Then she phoned my LH. He told me to get out. I packed my bags, upset but being encouraged by the OM that we wud get thru it & be together. I was really struggling, on the cusp of losing my kids, my entire family was coming down hard on me (understandably cuz what was doing was stupid). My LH was furious but I knew he loved me more than anything and I started seeing him different. He had been responsible for 50% of the 1st round but he had done nothing but work his hardest to make us better. I found myself not wanting to hear the OM's negativity about what my LH Cudnt do for me that he could. I felt torn between but my LH really did love me & i started loving him like i had for over 12years. I chose to cut off all contact with & make my life right. The OM was shocked, very angry & persistent in trying to change my mind. I wrote a NC letter, spoke to my boss & co-workers saying I cud have NC w him or anyone from his office. So now my life is an open book w my LH and I am honestly going to do anything & everything I can to show my husband I love him, what I did was wrong and that *we can grow through this.*
I know our marriage will ever be the same but I am committed to make it something better than it ever could have been, us knowing where it broke down in the 1st place.*So now with NC, me doing anything & everything each day to show my husband I do love him & I am never going to hurt him as I have up until now.
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Old 12-24-2011, 06:48 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My story. In sort of short form.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Allybabe_18 View Post
I am new to this site but my husband suggested I come check it out as I am struggling with allot of guilt, anxiety & panic attacks. He has found allot of help here.*

I had an affair. The OM was my previous boss, still working for the same company just in diff locations. I'm not even sure how it started because now after the fact ppl have pointed out things he was doing that I mistook for just regular kindness. I was very unhappy in my marriage & it had for the most part hit rock bottom. A husband who just wasnt there for me in so many ways.The other man knew I was upset on more than one occasion, he wud say all the right things & started to give ideas how to get out of my marriage, he had been divorced after his wife of 22yrs left him for another man. Venting texts, work frustration Phn calls became more frequent and then we had to travel for work, my LH had a major melt down when I was gone & the OM is where I found comfort. *It just snowballed from there. I tried to end it w my LH before he found anything out, as did the OM. His common-law wife intercepted some emails, confronted him & he told her he wanted out. The OM & I had plan an evening away, that was the night it went from EA to a PA. *The next day, the OM dumped me. He said he needed to stay w her cuz he Cudnt be alone & knew I was not relocating for some time. I was crushed, I put my tail between my legs & went back to my LH. He found out of the affair within days & the $hit hit the fan. My LH took me back, forgive & forget.*
BUT the OM still contacted me, came to see me "to explain" y he had dumped me, told me he had made a mistake & still loved me. I didn't know what to do or think so I continued to fake my way thru my marriage & had random contact w OM. He then told me he was marrying his CLW. I was crushed all over again. But within a couple wks of putting his ring on he was back to texting me that he had it all wrong. Then he said he was going to leave her cuz he Cudnt live without me. And the texts, calls, emails all became more frequent. I refused to see him until I was sure he was done w her. Then she phoned my LH. He told me to get out. I packed my bags, upset but being encouraged by the OM that we wud get thru it & be together. I was really struggling, on the cusp of losing my kids, my entire family was coming down hard on me (understandably cuz what was doing was stupid). My LH was furious but I knew he loved me more than anything and I started seeing him different. He had been responsible for 50% of the 1st round but he had done nothing but work his hardest to make us better. I found myself not wanting to hear the OM's negativity about what my LH Cudnt do for me that he could. I felt torn between but my LH really did love me & i started loving him like i had for over 12years. I chose to cut off all contact with & make my life right. The OM was shocked, very angry & persistent in trying to change my mind. I wrote a NC letter, spoke to my boss & co-workers saying I cud have NC w him or anyone from his office. So now my life is an open book w my LH and I am honestly going to do anything & everything I can to show my husband I love him, what I did was wrong and that *we can grow through this.*
I know our marriage will ever be the same but I am committed to make it something better than it ever could have been, us knowing where it broke down in the 1st place.*So now with NC, me doing anything & everything each day to show my husband I do love him & I am never going to hurt him as I have up until now.
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What is it that you need?

Reading your writeup, I dont even know if you're truly remorse? It appears that you were ready to leave your marriage behind. The error you made was your judgement of the OM. If it was a different OM, you may have abandoned your husband and kids by now?

It's just that the OM didnt turn out. And you went back to your fallback -- your husband.

May I suggest you figure out why you have low ethics and then work to raise your standards?
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Old 12-24-2011, 06:56 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My story. In sort of short form.

Did you go back to your husband because the OM dumped you? You husband might be partially responsible for your marriage not being happy but he's not responsible for your cheating.
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Old 12-24-2011, 07:00 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My story. In sort of short form.

So the moral of the story is "Choose a good OM". You got back to your husband because the OM was not trustworthy and unreliable.

Quote:
He had been responsible for 50% of the 1st round
No , he was not even 1% responsible for your affair both the times. You don't cheat every time you are unhappy in a marriage.

Quote:
I packed my bags, upset but being encouraged by the OM that we wud get thru it & be together.
I don't know you but you do seem to get back because the other options ran out or not good enough. You are back because of the wrong reasons. You thought the grass was greener and abandoned your husband. Why do you say that it won't happen again?

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Old 12-24-2011, 07:08 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My story. In sort of short form.

Alley, some here are going to give you a hard time. Don't let that scare you off. You can get a lot of help here.

What kind of help are you looking for here?

What have you been doing so to prove your trustworthyness to your husband?
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Old 12-24-2011, 07:11 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My story. In sort of short form.

Start here , a book "His Needs Her Needs" has saved untold numbers of marriages especially when both spouse are on board. Good luck and Merry Christmas.
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Old 12-24-2011, 07:41 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My story. In sort of short form.

I am not sure what you are asking?

Do you love your Husband or are you just wishing the OM worked out and biding your time until he makes up his mind?

If a man wants you, he will move heaven and Earth to be with you. Does the OM qualify?

What are you missing?
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Old 12-24-2011, 07:57 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My story. In sort of short form.

This is my wife. You can search my threads for more info. In short she is doing everything I could ask
to make this right. The advice and help from people on these boards has helped me and Ihope now you can continue to help both of us. We are early in this. NC, full transperancy, and starting counseling in the new year. The love is there, the remorse is there even if you don't see it in her post. I see it everyday. I don't see any other admitted couples on this board so maybe our story from two side will help others as we begin to try and build a new marriage. I love my wife, I forgive my wife. I am extremely hurt and sometimes very angry. I do not trust her and it is very hard for me to believe anything she says. We have a beautiful 5 yr old girl and a handsome 3 yr old boy that are also part of this. We want to heal this family. This is the last chance. Any breech of NC on her part will be divorce. We will share our feelings and experiances with you as we go through this.
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Old 12-24-2011, 08:28 PM   #9 (permalink)
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This is my wife. You can search my threads for more info. In short she is doing everything I could ask
to make this right. The advice and help from people on these boards has helped me and Ihope now you can continue to help both of us. We are early in this. NC, full transperancy, and starting counseling in the new year. The love is there, the remorse is there even if you don't see it in her post. I see it everyday. I don't see any other admitted couples on this board so maybe our story from two side will help others as we begin to try and build a new marriage. I love my wife, I forgive my wife. I am extremely hurt and sometimes very angry. I do not trust her and it is very hard for me to believe anything she says. We have a beautiful 5 yr old girl and a handsome 3 yr old boy that are also part of this. We want to heal this family. This is the last chance. Any breech of NC on her part will be divorce. We will share our feelings and experiances with you as we go through this.
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My SO and I are an "admitted" couple. We both post on here. I hope your W is showing you actual remorse cause as you've stated, it does not come across that way in her post. I wish you both luck.
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Old 12-24-2011, 08:47 PM   #10 (permalink)
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My SO and I are an "admitted" couple. We both post on here. I hope your W is showing you actual remorse cause as you've stated, it does not come across that way in her post. I wish you both luck.
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Did posting on here as a couple help you?
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Old 12-24-2011, 09:08 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Did posting on here as a couple help you?
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I think so. We each have our own threads. We don't tend to post on each other's threads.
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Old 12-24-2011, 09:50 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: My story. In sort of short form.

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He had been responsible for 50% of the 1st round but he had done nothing but work his hardest to make us better.
You are 100% responsible for your cheating, no if ands or buts about it. The fact that you are still blame shifting 50% to your husband shows that you are a cheater to the core.

You admitted that you always knew that your husband would take you back no matter and you used his love for you against him. You see his love for you as a weakness to be exploited not as a good thing to be cherished. You are a bad person. If I knew your husband I would do everything in my power to get him to leave you, because you have no real remorse and will do it again. The only reason that you did not leave him this time is because your OM was just using you because he saw you for what you really are. I wish your husband good luck, because he will need it for foolishly letting you back into his life.
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Old 12-24-2011, 10:01 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: My story. In sort of short form.

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the remorse is there even if you don't see it in her post.
I guess you missed the part in her post about you being equally to blame for her first round of cheating. By accepting that from her, you are giving her the green light to cheat again the next time she gets unhappy.

You sound like a good and decent person that is being guided by your heart and not your brain. I wish you luck. I truly do.
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Old 12-24-2011, 10:16 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: My story. In sort of short form.

I think she`s still lying to you.
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Old 12-24-2011, 11:16 PM   #15 (permalink)
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I do feel remorse. I LOVE my husband more than anything. I feel like a complete F-up that does not deserve the love of my husband & children. I have to live with what I have done to my family everyday for the rest of my life. I came on here to try understand how my husband is feeling and find some constructive advice on how to try heal the hurt I have caused, not to get judged, berated or to take shots from ppl that feel the need to project their own relationship anger on someone who joined to try make life better. I wanted to share what I have done, maybe help a few others understand how marriages get to this point. I did not say I placed all the blame on my husband, I am 100% aware that this was all mine doing but I also believe that I married an amazing man who I did take for granted & almost lost to my own selfishness. And I am determined to show him that I am in this all the way, he was Not my fallback guy.I will continue to read on this site but I will refrain posting as I am beating myself up over all this so I don't need a firing squad to help. I wish you all nothing but the best in your own relationships & I know you will see over time thru my husbands posts that we are going to be ok. Have a very Merry Christmas & be safe.
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