Did my wife cheat on me? Need help. - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #16 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 04:36 PM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

Sorry you are here. Some thoughts.

Realize that the women you married and loved is gone. She has been replaced with a lying cheat. She may look the same, but its not the person you used to know.

If you live in a state or country that has "at fault" divorce in cases of infidelity, then get a PI for sure. You will want 3rd party collected evidence that cannot be explained away. If it were me I would go with a PI anyway.

Over on SI there was a poster named Spaceghost0007 who did just that. The PI found all the evidence. He confronted with the shock and awe approach. And she never got the upper-hand. Unlike so many other BH, he did not get sucked into endless arguments and trickle truth. Many times the WW will only admit to what you have evidence of. Decisive action is always the best approach to get out of infidelity.

If you want to read his story: SurvivingInfidelity.com - Thought we had a good marriage

Hemming and hawing, doing the "Pick Me" dance, begging her to give up the OM and work on the marriage. It never works. Only taking control of the situation works.

So play the long game here. Do not try and win a battle, win the war. Resist the urge to confront until you have all of your ducks in a row. Evidence. Divorce papers. Contact info for the OM spouse if there is one. Then when you have prepared you pick the day and time. Have her served papers at work. Inform family members. And go dark on her for a few hours. Do not answer her calls or texts. When she gets home tell her her stuff in in the guest room.

She will most likely respond in one of 3 ways:

1. Cold indifference, the whole "I have not been in love with you for years" line. (Not likely unless this is an exit affiar)
2. Rage and anger that you spoiled her fun and ruined her reputation with the family. (Possible, but remember she brought this upon herself)
3. Tears, crying, I'm So Sorry, I was never going to leave you, I never stopped loving you. I never meant to hurt you. (Most common response)

If she opts for #3 it will look and sound really sincere. Its not. No one is remorseful that quickly. They are sorry they got caught. It is just her covering her ass and trying to avoid the consequences of her actions. Stay strong and prepare yourself emotionally. Stand your ground.

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post #17 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 04:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

Thank you for the time and advice. Resisting the urge to confront has/will be the hardest battle. I just want to scream WTF but at the same time I don't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing how much I'm hurt. I'll check locally for a good PI and the VAR. I have nothing to lose right now by waiting it out. Thanks again.
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post #18 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 05:22 PM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

Hope you will find there is nothing to worry. However even in the worse scenario never leave the house
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post #19 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 05:46 PM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

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Hope you will find there is nothing to worry. However even in the worse scenario never leave the house
Whatever you do, stay in your home. If things get really bad and you are desperate to move out, make sure you have contacted an attorney and have everything in order, including filing for divorce, so that you will not suffer due to "abandonment" of your family. Moving out before the divorce can create even worse problems for you.

If you are at the point of getting a PI, it would be wise to get an attorney as well. Be fully prepared before you find out who she is cheating with. You want to be ready to move on the information, rather than having to wait until you are ready. That is the worse to try to keep quiet when you have a bunch of information and proof.

Purchase a book about divorce in your state that you can read on an electronic device. That way your wife won't see it and you can read it whenever you choose. Knowing your rights is imperative and will help you in finding a decent attorney and not get taken advantage of.


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post #20 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 06:02 PM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

Not many jumped in to help.

Either they are "cheated out" or they are mulling the veracity of this situation.

.................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .........
You need to get inside the walls of her employer.

Me? I would look carefully at her purse. The one she carries to work, keeps in her office. I would embed a voice activated recorder in that purse, a VAR. Buy a good one at Best Buy. You may have to make a secret compartment in it. Maybe a false bottom. Cut a very similar looking piece of leather, or vinyl or Naugahyde purchsed from Jo-Anne Fabrics or some store like that. Cut it and put a second layer in the purse, with the VAR underneath in a cut-out pocket "form" between the two layers. Does she carry a lunch bag or container? Put one in there?

If she carries a brief case or a laptop case to work maybe chose one of those to install a recorder. Use lithium batteries in the recorder.

Or- if you can get into her office, install a wireless transmitter under her desk. This is not going to be an easy task. I am an engineer and could pull it off. It would be possible if you could be there alone for 10 minutes or so. Visit her for lunch.

In the winter, women wear heavy coats. A VAR could be inserted at mid back. If you use the bottom hem line of the coat, it will clunk when it hits a solid surface.

This assumes she has a desk. She may not.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #21 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 06:35 PM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

Where are all the regulars .... to guide Goldfinger?

Jump on in!


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post #22 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 06:47 PM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

Gold finger I think you are on the right track. Bide your time and verify your suspicions. Say nothing to her. Be as sweet as pie. Don't let her suspect anything.

And when you gather your evidence, wrap it in a pretty bow and shove it up her azz....
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post #23 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 07:15 PM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

OP,
Regrettably it would seem to be highly probable that your wife is indeed involved in some extramarital endeavors. The combination of circumstantial evidence is quite damning.

Peace and long life
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post #24 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 07:29 PM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

Are you able to show up to her job unannounced to take her for lunch, and see how she acts?



You do matter!
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post #25 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 04:51 AM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

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Thanks for the replies even though they are not exactly what I was hoping to hear. I understand what everyone has said. I just wish I had a smoking gun. I'd hate to ruin our family if there was even a remote chance I was wrong. I know the evidence I have is not good, but there are no strange phone calls, nothing strange on her phone, her whereabouts are always known except for at work, she still says she loves me and is chipper, she is even always planning vacations for our family to take. I realize this sounds like I'm grasping at straws, but my life as I know it is at stake. Again, thank you for the advice.
Uhmm, the crotchless panties are your smoking gun, but you know this already.

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post #26 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 11:20 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

So I screwed up and did the wrong thing late last night. I confronted my wife. I broke down emotionally inside when she wanted to play a question game for couples that I had bought for her birthday. Questions like, where we will be on our 25th anniversary, name things you admire about your spouse, etc. finally got the best of me. When I confronted her I told her I wasn't asking her anything or looking for a confession. I told her my information is pretty damning and I was merely informing her that I knew. Of course she denied everything. Said she was shocked I was feeling this way, etc etc etc. she came up with reasons for everything but I coldly refuted them.

HOWEVER, she agreed our marriage needs help and that she was willing to do whatever it takes to regain my trust and save it. She volunteered and wants to take a polygraph test as soon as possible. She's even willing to travel 3 hours with me to have one done by a well known examiner who has written many books on the subject. I left it as I will start talking about our marriage after I see the results, but inside it has given me hope.

I realize I should have avoided confronting her but what's done cannot be undone. I'm not sure how much a PI would have helped since she works at a large company with gated access, private parking garages, and you have to be escorted at all times. Does anyone have any experience with polygraph tests? If the results come back that she is telling the truth is that reliable enough to put this to rest and move on to saving my marriage?
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post #27 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 11:57 AM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

Polygraph offer is promising. However go to a place of your choosing. Other posters with more experience may be able to comment on what to ask and the reliability/limitations of polygraph. still a question is why there has been no intimacy for a long time. Also work on your self improvement such as working out. PI (or your checking out all avenues mentioned by others above) still helps as the PI can monitor her leaving work at odd times. Later on if this does not resolve and symptoms become more and more obvious you can get help of some you know at her work to get inside info

Last edited by curious234; 03-05-2017 at 12:17 PM.
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post #28 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 12:02 PM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

No regrets - move forward. Did she appear guilty? What did she say about her dialog with her friend? About the distance?


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post #29 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 12:15 PM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

I can imagine that game would put you over the edge. I'm sorry. Almost everyone does what you did, so don't beat yourself up over it.

You know she is an adulteress. You know your marriage hasn't been good. You know she is still lying to you. You know you don't want to live like that. Like you said, getting a PI probably isn't going to do any good. You don't need further proof to know that she is cheating.

Again, I recommend that you buy an e-book about divorce in your state and read it immediately. That way you will not be relying on an attorney for all the information. You will know what the procedures and the laws are. Set up appointments with a couple of attorneys and choose one who you feel comfortable with.

Do the 180. Here's a link to @Affaircare 's site: The 180 U Turn - Affaircare

Your wife is the one who has to make the moves to make this better. Do not worry about her becoming angry. She will use that as a manipulation tactic. You are the one who should be angry here, not her. She has been having sex with at least one other man. She is obviously really into it based on her purchases. She is continuing to lie about it. Until she comes clean and tells you the whole truth, you cannot move forward with her. Marriage is about doing life together and being completely honest with each other and having each other's backs. She's not doing any of that right now.


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post #30 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 12:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

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Polygraph offer is promising. However go to a place of your choosing. Other posters with more experience may be able to comment on what to ask and the reliability/limitations of polygraph. still a question is why there has been no intimacy for a long time. Also work on your self improvement such as working out. PI (or your checking out all avenues mentioned by others above) still helps as the PI can monitor her leaving work at odd times
Thanks for the reply. I will definitely choose the examiner and talk to him specifically before the test. If she fails, then she's gone. Period. I'm not too worried about a lawyer right now since I have a prenump. I'm more concerned about keeping a marriage with the woman I love and mother of our two children IF it turns out she did some really dumb unfortunate things that looked really bad.

The reason for the lack of intimacy that she claims is because she has current self esteem issues and thought I had little interest in her. That's the reason she claims she bought the lingerie and why she was aggressively sexual for a brief time. I am honestly guilty of not reciprocating after that period because that is when my suspicions started. She in turn claims that lack of reciprocating lead her to think I didn't want her so she shut down just as I shut down. Wearing the lingerie to work was supposedly some fantasy she conjured up about how she would come home from work and then seduce me right there but that didn't happen due to my mood, kids, etc. Convenient, I know.

Still she reacted shocked by my statements and claims she would never be so selfish and ruin our family. The polygraph will hopefully bring closure one way or the other.
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