Did my wife cheat on me? Need help. - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #31 of 102 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 12:21 PM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

You can afford a PI so stop the agony & drama of not knowing. These guys know how to catch a WW....

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post #32 of 102 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 12:25 PM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

I can't say she cheated but I cannot think of any other explanation for the facts that you have presented here.
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post #33 of 102 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 12:38 PM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

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No regrets - move forward. Did she appear guilty? What did she say about her dialog with her friend? About the distance?


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Sorry wrong thread. The other thread is about a W who is entertaining cheating, if she hasn't already. Yours... IDK... some can lie through their teeth. VAR and PI right now might be good if she's scrambling to go underground


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post #34 of 102 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 12:44 PM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

This site is overflowing with stories about how a WW agreed to take a polygraph, and when the BH actually followed through, and they were in the parking lot ready to walk in for the polygraph, the WW would break down and make her confession before they even got out of the car.

So don't let her soften you up, and talk you out of the polygraph, even if she f*cks your brains out and promises you the moon. Be sure to be strong and follow through on the polygraph!
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post #35 of 102 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 12:53 PM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

Now is the time to put a VAR in her car and another in any room where she goes to talk on her phone in private.

Since she knows you suspect something, she may be talking to OM or friends about how to hide and cover evidence.
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post #36 of 102 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 12:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

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This site is overflowing with stories about how a WW agreed to take a polygraph, and when the BH actually followed through, and they were in the parking lot ready to walk in for the polygraph, the WW would break down and make her confession before they even got out of the car.

So don't let her soften you up, and talk you out of the polygraph, even if she f*cks your brains out and promises you the moon. Be sure to be strong and follow through on the polygraph!
She's not touching me until I have the results of the test. I already told her that we are not even going to discuss moving forward with our marriage until I see the results. Breaking down in the parking lot work's for me as either way I'll get resolution. From what I've read so far, polygraphs seem to be very accurate and they know if someone is trying to cheat them.
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post #37 of 102 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 01:08 PM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

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She's not touching me until I have the results of the test. I already told her that we are not even going to discuss moving forward with our marriage until I see the results. Breaking down in the parking lot work's for me as either way I'll get resolution. From what I've read so far, polygraphs seem to be very accurate and they know if someone is trying to cheat them.
Questions must be worded for Yes/No answers. Sometimes with an explanation preceding the questions.

Ex.

"For the purposes of this next question "sexual contact" means intercourse (vagina or anal), oral sex (given or received), manual manipulation of genitalia (given or received), kissing other than a quick hello or goodbye. Do you understand?"

Given the proceeding, have you ever had sexual contact with any person other than your husband since being married?
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post #38 of 102 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 01:14 PM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

And a key question, after providing a full written confession / timeline is whether the written confession documents ALL unfaithful activity (or whatever the poly guy says describes the behavior)


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post #39 of 102 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 01:17 PM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

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Gold finger I think you are on the right track. Bide your time and verify your suspicions. Say nothing to her. Be as sweet as pie. Don't let her suspect anything.

And when you gather your evidence, wrap it in a pretty bow and shove it up her azz....
Triggers me back to 1792, a very cold spring day in a stronghold at the Forth river.

I am a Bowman for Longshanks. I am the Guard that holds his purse strings tight to the Glens and Dales.

It was not quite light out. Very heavy fog covered the moors. I could hear bagpipes off in the distance. Barely audible to my young ears.

The sounds wafted off the hills. The sounds be off kilter, off tune.

I knew the source. Oh, Lordy I knew the source. It was Will a-comin for me throat. And they be wearing those Kilts, all in a row. Three Waves of Kilts. The Devil's band, they be.

The man playing the pipes. He was a burly Scot A six footer going 15 stones. A fierce warrior with the eyes masked off with soot and oil. A bandit by night, a bandit, playing the pipes this day. He carries a 45 inch long Scepter bound to his waist.

He will have no quarter with me. It will be off with my head. A stick shoved up me arse, for spite.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #40 of 102 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 03:11 PM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

gold, make sure she is not looking up how to cheat a polygraph.

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post #41 of 102 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 04:13 PM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

By confronting you have done what I call "kicking the ant nest." She may be calling friends now to discuss her problems. You need to have a VAR under her car seat yesterday. You might hear her say that she has done nothing wrong or admit to her affair. NEVER tell her that you put it there. Never tell her anything you found out with the VAR unless you could have found out another way like friends saw them or you hired a PI.

LOOK HERE: Standard Evidence Post
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post #42 of 102 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 04:40 PM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

Ok, so Plan A, not confronting, did not work out. No biggie, now its on to plan B.

VAR in her car. Why? By confronting her you have, as Sun Tzu said, "beaten the grass to rattle the snakes." You told her there will be no talk about moving forward until the poly is done. But women need to talk. Its how they process their thoughts. So she is going to need to talk to someone. You need to know what she is saying, and to whom.

If she uses a computer at home check the browser history and see if she has looked up how to beat a poly.

This question is the crux of the matter:
Quote:
have you ever had sexual contact with any person other than your husband since being married?
I would also ask if she has sent any pics of herself to anyone. She could be engaging in a online affiar. Pics, sexy messages, dirty talk etc. Maybe she does it from work. Takes pics of herself in the bathroom. Sends them via her cell phone. Then deletes them before she leaves the office. So cover that base also.
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post #43 of 102 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 05:06 PM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

^^^ Listen to stillthinking. VAR in the car is still very useful. Do NOT let her back out of the polygraph. You might find that her eagerness to take a polygraph was a ruse to throw you off the trail. It's a really bad sign if she starts to hem and haw about it, or express concern about the cost.
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post #44 of 102 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 05:49 PM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

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Thank you for the time and advice. Resisting the urge to confront has/will be the hardest battle. I just want to scream WTF but at the same time I don't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing how much I'm hurt. I'll check locally for a good PI and the VAR. I have nothing to lose right now by waiting it out. Thanks again.
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....I confronted my wife. I broke down emotionally.....I told her my information is pretty damning and I was merely informing her that I knew. Of course she denied everything.

.....HOWEVER, she agreed our marriage needs help and that she was willing to do whatever it takes to regain my trust and save it. She volunteered and wants to take a polygraph test as soon as possible. ........
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Originally Posted by Goldfinger View Post
Thanks for the reply. I will definitely choose the examiner and talk to him specifically before the test. If she fails, then she's gone. Period. I'm not too worried about a lawyer right now since I have a prenump. I'm more concerned about keeping a marriage with the woman I love and mother of our two children IF it turns out she did some really dumb unfortunate things that looked really bad.

The reason for the lack of intimacy that she claims is because she has current self esteem issues and thought I had little interest in her. That's the reason she claims she bought the lingerie and why she was aggressively sexual for a brief time. I am honestly guilty of not reciprocating after that period because that is when my suspicions started. She in turn claims that lack of reciprocating lead her to think I didn't want her so she shut down just as I shut down. Wearing the lingerie to work was supposedly some fantasy she conjured up about how she would come home from work and then seduce me right there but that didn't happen due to my mood, kids, etc. Convenient, I know.

Still she reacted shocked by my statements and claims she would never be so selfish and ruin our family. The polygraph will hopefully bring closure one way or the other.
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Originally Posted by Goldfinger View Post

I already told her that we are not even going to discuss moving forward with our marriage until I see the results. Breaking down in the parking lot work's for me as either way I'll get resolution. From what I've read so far, polygraphs seem to be very accurate and they know if someone is trying to cheat them.

My heart goes out to you Goldfinger.

It doesn't matter if she had an affair.

What you need to do, is figure out what will make you happy.

I think your marriage is in crisis and unless you get professional help, it will end soon.

Good luck, be strong for your kids they are what is important.

Last edited by Young at Heart; 03-06-2017 at 12:47 PM.
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post #45 of 102 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 05:59 PM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

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Hello Everyone,

I am very troubled and sad that I am here and actually posting this in an effort to seek advice and wisdom in my marriage. I have been married to my wife for 12 years and together with her for 18. We have two small wonderful children. We are both financially successful and we hardly ever argue or fight. Sounds wonderful right? Well, it was but I now have the gut wrenching feeling that something is wrong.

We've always had a good relationship and a decent sex life. The sex dried up a couple of years ago and I thought nothing of it due to our young children and the stress and changes raising a family brings. I first became suspicious a little over a year ago. I pay our credit card bills sometimes and noticed she purchased a few items from Adem and Eve. No big deal. My wife is just exploring her sexuality which I thought could only help our relationship. Then I noticed a few purchases from Fredericks of Hollywood. Here's where it gets fuzzy for me. She never wore the lingerie for me and never told me about it. This didn't sit right with me as it didn't make sense so I paid more attention to it. I noticed she wore the lingerie to work sometimes including crotchless panties. I don't mean to be crass either, but I also noticed her panties would sometimes look like she was very excited during the day. She does the laundry so I'm positive she never thought I would notice. Now my hackles were up.

I searched our home computer and her cell phone and could not find any evidence of someone else. Yet, my wife would get dolled up for work and were lingerie underneath her business clothes only to come home and change out of them. She would not take a shower though as I looked for that. After a few weeks of when this all started, my wife became very sexually aggressive. She would put the kids to bed and come up with all sorts of kinky things. I honestly didn't know if I could keep up. I thought that maybe my wife was just reaching her sexual maturity since she is in her mid to late thirties. She also surprised me during this time when she all of a sudden out of nowhere started to deep throat (again I apologize for being explicit). Where does a women just learn a trick like that? She would also carry those small fresh breath toothbrushes that require no water or rinsing in her car. I never thought much of it until I started looking at the big picture.

During this time frame she started running and working out at home as well as using a Fitbit. My wife has always been very attractive and in good shape, just not super physically fit. As I said, I had my suspicions but could never find any concrete proof other then this circumstantial evidence. I was upset but decided to drop it.

Fast forward to today. Our sex life has been none existent for the past 8 months. Zero. I recently noticed that she once again purchased more lingerie from Fredericks over a month ago. She also has been getting wax treatments done for her bikini area. Once again, I have not been the beneficiary of any of these things. Our relationship is not very open and we really do not have much dialogue or open up to each other anymore. She doesn't even kiss me goodbye anymore and if she does it's on the cheek. All my past suspicions have come back and I just have that feeling in my gut.

I've tried to find evidence again but to no avail. If my wife is or did cheat it would have to be at work. She works at a very large company and has unlimited free time there. She could be gone for an hour and no one would question it. It is a rare occasion that I can ever get a hold of her at work and she usually, but not always, responds to my texts or voicemails after a few hours. She never works late or goes into the office at strange times. She guards her cell phone but does give me access to it. I searched through it last night and didn't find anything except a couple of strange numbers that were blocked from texting and FaceTime.

So that's where I am at. I have no real proof, just very suspicious behavior and a terrible feeling deep down. The bad part is is that my instincts are usually correct. I love my family very much. They are the most important thing to me in the world. I would suffer through a marriage to keep my children free of the pain that divorce causes. I just don't know where to go from her. I thought of confronting her, but realize that if she is cheating then she would just lie about it and take better steps to cover her tracks. However, the uncertainty is causing just as much damage. It is making me distant and cold. Do I have nothing to worry about? Should I investigate further? Should I confront her? I appreciate each and everyone of you for taking the time to read this and look forward to any advice or suggestions you may have.

I'd say she met a new guy at her work, she's interested in him, starts buying sexy underwear and other items, never tells you or wears it for you.

Then she becomes sexually aggressive and then the sex stops altogether.

She is now having sex with this guy.

To me its all red flags.

Definitely need a PI.

In the meantime, don't do anything and carry on as usual.

She is giving you excuses, I thought you weren't interested in me, so I bought the sexy underwear that she never told you about or wore?!

Almost guarantee you she is having sex with a co-worker. Get the polygraph!!!!

She doesn't kiss you anymore and got a bikini wax? She is doing this for another guy.

GO WITH YOUR GUT.

Strength and Honor. What we do in life echo's in eternity.

Last edited by CuddleBug; 03-05-2017 at 06:04 PM.
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