Did my wife cheat on me? Need help. - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
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post #76 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 09:24 PM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

In my experience the proof is on the mobile device 95% of the time.

It may be on work email or other work communication though. Coworker affairs are a pain to uncover.

Also, poly tests are absolutely not junk science. They are not 100% but something is better than nothing. If she fails she's welcome to take a second.


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post #77 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 09:49 PM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

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Originally Posted by eric1 View Post
In my experience the proof is on the mobile device 95% of the time.

It may be on work email or other work communication though. Coworker affairs are a pain to uncover.

Also, poly tests are absolutely not junk science. They are not 100% but something is better than nothing. If she fails she's welcome to take a second.
So you would divorce or reconcile based solely on the results of a poly?
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post #78 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 11:50 PM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

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but a smart person would scoff at the suggestion of a poly. They are junk science.
I come from a military family. Many of my relatives have to submit to polygraphs on a regular basis to maintain their security clearance. Now a polygraph may not be the end all be all. But as far as the DoD is concerned they are not junk science.
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post #79 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 04:39 AM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

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So you would divorce or reconcile based solely on the results of a poly?


I would not divorce or reconcile without the poly being one of the tools used to make my decision.

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post #80 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 09:51 AM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

If she passes the poly, its as good of evidence you'll get that she's not cheating. Either make up you mind to cut her loose without the poly or stay if she passes and both the below are present;

1. Nothing you can hang your hat on that she's cheating and managed to pass the poly.

2. She starts putting out on a regular basis.

If you don't embody controversy, what you say will become just another part of the media driven culture of stifling thought and debate about issues.
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post #81 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 09:53 AM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

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In my experience the proof is on the mobile device 95% of the time.
Proving again how stupid people are.

If you don't embody controversy, what you say will become just another part of the media driven culture of stifling thought and debate about issues.
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post #82 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 10:04 AM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

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Proving again how stupid people are.
And arrogant. They believe they are fooling their spouse and will never get caught.

It is amazing though how many times the cheater gets caught by some random event. The BS finds something while cleaning the car. A text message comes through at just the right time for the BS to see it. The BS comes home unexpectedly early and catches them in the act. I know many people who may or may not have had some gut feelings their spouse was cheating, but they were shocked when that random event happens. The cheater was getting away with it up until then.
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post #83 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 11:49 AM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

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I would not divorce or reconcile without the poly being one of the tools used to make my decision.
I think you are foolishly putting too much weight on the polygraph test. Like I said it may be useful for scaring a guilty person to confess beforehand but if you get nothing in advance, then you are putting credibility into a test with known fallibility that is not accepted as evidence in most courts for that very reason.

Some people can beat a polygraph, don't believe me? Then Google it.

Innocent people can show up as guilty.

At least take the time to educate yourself properly.

Here's a few links to get you started.


The Truth About Lie Detectors, Says David Lykken, Is That They Can't Detect a Lie

Polygraphs

http://www.apa.org/research/action/polygraph.aspx
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post #84 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 11:56 AM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

My H did a poly and failed one of the questions "have you been unfaithful to your wife since married"....He passed the questions "have you commited adultery" and was unsure to "have you purposefully withheld information about sexual contact while married"

So...this is how it played out- for him adultery is PIV/oral and I believe he has not done that.
He has been unfaithful- he says this was due to him kissing someone he was dancing with several times while out of town and drunk.....we went for a 2nd poly to confirm this and the examiner declined to complete the poly saying H wasnt totally sure of how long ago this happened so it would come out inconclusive.

Barring a 3rd poly with a timeline that he actually can confirm I have no way of knowing if the suspected EA/PA was a PA nor do I know if it is still going on.

There was some parking lot answers to specific questions I'd asked- had he deleted more texts than I already knew about-yes, had he been to her house more times than he had admitted to-no, had he used phones other than his own so i couldnt see the call log-yes...

- the only thing I think I really know for sure is that he hasnt had PIV/oral with anyone else since married. I guess that is something.
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post #85 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 06:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

Hello Everyone,

The last few days have been crazy to say the least. I will start by saying my wife has been very cooperative with everything I have asked. She gave the logins and passwords to all of her accounts which included a few I didn't know about. I went through everything and again nothing bad was discovered. She has stood by her story that everything was all for us in an effort to re-ignite our relationship and that she was too insecure to go through with a lot of it. She claimed the crotchless panties to work one day was a failed attempt to photograph herself and send it to me in an effort to turn me on because she chickened out and couldn't do it.

She was steadfast in wanting to take a poly. She did not flinch once from it. We argued last night about how ridiculous her arguments are and how cliche they sound. One or two red flags is excusable but the series and magnitudes of her red flags was inescapable in my mind. So off we went to take the polygraph.

I will say I was very impressed by the examiner. He was a retired police sergeant with over 35 years of experience on the force who has performed well over a thousand exams ranging from criminals and spouses to every police candidate in his jurisdiction who needed to submit to a poly before they were hired. If polygraphs are good enough for the DoD and a hiring practice for every police officer, then I do not consider them junk science in the least. The examiner was also the instructor for other officers learning how to perform the exam.

He took great time explaining how the poly works, what he will be doing, and how he will interpret the results and that there could only be three possible outcomes. Innocent, guilty or he doesn't know which he explained is very very rare. Everything is done on a modern computer, there is no such thing as the wavy bar graphs we all think of. One of the first things I asked was the degree of accuracy and he stated that the test ALL depends on how good the examiner is. He went on to explain what he does to make sure it is the best and most reliable test and that the opinion he offers is correct. He will not perform more than 2 exams a week because they are too exhausting. Examiners who churn through 4-5 a day are the ones who make a lot of mistakes in his opinion.

We took over an hour in the pre-exam going over what the issues were and refining the questions to be asked so they encompassed every possible scenario. Every sexual possibility, gender, opportunity, and people involved were discussed and refined to make the best most concise questions that were properly worded. I was impressed with his thoroughness of making sure all the issues we had were covered. When my wife left to use the restroom before the exam started, he looked me in the eyes and sternly said she won't beat or trick him.

The actual exam took over an hour as I sat in the waiting room. When it was over my wife came out and told me everything that happened and how weird and stressful it is. We sat for 15-20 minutes while I pondered our fate. He explained in the beginning that he takes longer because he forms his own opinion during the exam and does not rely on the computer algorithms. He will then double check his own findings to the computer to see if there is any discrepancy. I'm only writing this because I was impressed with his entire thoroughness and candor.

He returned with the results and informed me that without a doubt my wife DID NOT cheat on me or have an affair, physical or otherwise, with anyone. He told me he would stake his reputation and credibility that my wife was telling the truth and I believe him 100%. At that moment a huge weight was lifted off me. My wife broke down and started crying. She was actually apologizing to me that I had to go through this and that she was sorry for doing dumb things that broke my trust in her. She was never once angry with me for going through all her private accounts, personal items, or accusations. We both agreed that we need to work on our marriage and get some couples counseling.

I realize I'm a very rare and lucky individual and that most of the time the results would not be the same. I feel like an ******* now but still stand by my right to be suspicious. There were just too many red flags and their explanations were highly unlikely. There were a few other big red flags that came to light after my last post that made me even more sure she cheated. If anything, I hope my experience gives someone out there the knowledge that if there is no "smoking gun" then there is a possibility that your spouse is telling the truth. In no way does that diminish the pain and horror that many face when they find out an uglier truth. If you have suspicions or there are red flags, then you need to act on them and make sure they are either true or false. Don't ever settle for feeling bad in a replationship or turn a blind eye to suspicious behavior. It will eventually tear you apart. I guess even if the odds are 100 to 1 there still has to be that one. I was extremely fortunate and it's not realistic to think that will be the case every time.

I now realize how dumb I was by not communicating with my wife. I shut down and she shut down. That only lead to suspicion creeping in and transformed things into red flags that could have been easily discussed. It's sad that my wife tried wearing lingerie to work to try and spark my interest in her, then chickened out and having her feel that she couldn't tell me about it. I'm equally to blame for fostering a marriage where we grew apart and creating an environment where we both felt we could not talk or open up to each other. No one wants to or should be in a cold lifeless marriage but it's up to both partners to work on it. I know I failed in that and realize we have a lot of work to do to rekindle the relationship we once had. I damn sure willing to try my best now that I can move forward.

Thank you for everyone's helpfulness and insight. Even the guy who was talking about skirts. Lol. I really had no one else to talk to about this and posting here gave me a much needed outlet. I wish you all the best in your future endeavors.

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post #86 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 06:19 PM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

So are you going to go into sleuth mode and continue to monitor her for an affair or are going to accept the polygraph and the examiner who EARNS HIS LIVING off the test, as the ultimate word?

It sounds like you're going to dismiss your instincts and some obvious unexplained red flags and stick your head in the sand at your own peril.

I'm hoping I'm wrong.
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post #87 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 06:24 PM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

Look Gold....this is opportunity for both of you to work on your communication skills, on your marriage, on your relationship.....what you have proven to her is that you will go to any means to discover if there is something wrong.....i think you both need MC but more importantly you need to get away just the two of you and reconnect...
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post #88 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 06:27 PM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

I can see that you are obviously going to stick it out with your wife and you believe the results of the polygraph and your wife's explanation. This is a pretty crazy situation, but it looks like both you and your wife are prepared to resolve the dysfunction in your marriage. I hope that you stick around here and post. I have a feeling that your will be a success story.

The fact that your wife has not been defensive, but has agreed that what she did was highly suspicious and has been willing to do whatever you ask without hesitation, along with the fact that you have found nothing on her electronic devices, and that she passed the polygraph with flying colors seems to indicate that there is a lot of hope for your marriage.

How are you feeling about all of this?

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Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
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post #89 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 08:04 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

I'm feeling something wonderful for the first time in a long time Cynthia........hope. I made the the bad mistake of falling into complacency in my marriage. I gradually stopped complimenting my wife and making her feel special. She did the same and it lead us to just sitting in a room together and not talking. I know that is a bad spot for any marriage to be in and is probably why I started looking for reasons for our failure.

As far as accepting the poly examiner's final word, yes I will. He actually does not make a living performing these tests. He's retired and does this to help his friend who is a PI. This was all done at the PI's place of business. He only comes in twice a week to perform a maximum of two polygraphs for the PI. Let's just say I do not believe money is his motivating factor. This guy earned a living as a cop and part of his duties were performing these tests on murderers, child molesters, and other scum. As well as his own brothers in uniform. I hear what you are saying but really don't think that is the case here.

I completely agree with you that I should still be cautious and look for any more problems, but I do believe my wife told the truth. There are two possible outcomes to any of the red flags. Either she is guilty or she is not guilty. There is nothing and I mean nothing that completely rules one of them out. So by expanding on what Cynthia said, my wife was remorseful for allowing our marriage to drift, she was remorseful for making me feel bad. She never once refused to give me information that I asked for. She did not hesitate in the lead up or going through with the polygraph which she passed. I went through all of our phone records, tore apart her wardrobe, checked her GPS tracking in her cell phone and found nothing. Now I have to look at all the red flags. Is it possible that we started drifting apart and in an effort to stop that she became hyper sexual? Could she have bought lingerie and try new things to spark our sex life only to feel self conscious and back out of them? Could she have worn crotchless panties to work to text me about them and got excited at the "naughtiness" of it but then grew scared and backed out? I look at it and say yes, all those scenarios are very possible now given all the other facts I previously mentioned. I know that we were growing apart and I took these red flags as a reason to excuse that. Having a sexless marriage for 8 months can happen too. I lived it and it can spiral. Each partner starts to withdraw further from each other believing the other does not find them attractive or desire them anymore. It's a death spiral I think for some marriages but it doesn't automatically mean someone is cheating. After all I KNOW I did not cheat and I haven't had sex with anyone but myself for the last eight months so it is certainly feasible she has done the same.

In the end, I love my wife and I love my family. I have a chance to try and make us even better now. Who knows what the future will bring, but as I said, now there's hope. I know I've been the happiest I've been in months the last few hours and it's because I'm actually talking with my wife again. A vacation sounds pretty good too.
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post #90 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 08:21 PM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

Trust your gut. The scenario you laid out sounds implausible, but I think you know in your gut whether she is telling the truth or not. The fact that you feel a sense of relief and that your wife is eager to connect with you are both good signs. I know a lot of people will think it is silly that you have let go of your suspicions and fears, but I don't think so. I think you have done a thorough investigation and at the end of it all you have a wife who is telling you she loves you and is afraid of you rejecting her. From what you have posted, there is no malice in her. If there was, I might think differently about all of this, but as weird as it seems, I think you have found the truth and that your marriage is going to improve drastically after dealing with this crisis.

For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:
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Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
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