Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: North Eastern USA
Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.
The last few days have been crazy to say the least. I will start by saying my wife has been very cooperative with everything I have asked. She gave the logins and passwords to all of her accounts which included a few I didn't know about. I went through everything and again nothing bad was discovered. She has stood by her story that everything was all for us in an effort to re-ignite our relationship and that she was too insecure to go through with a lot of it. She claimed the crotchless panties to work one day was a failed attempt to photograph herself and send it to me in an effort to turn me on because she chickened out and couldn't do it.
She was steadfast in wanting to take a poly. She did not flinch once from it. We argued last night about how ridiculous her arguments are and how cliche they sound. One or two red flags is excusable but the series and magnitudes of her red flags was inescapable in my mind. So off we went to take the polygraph.
I will say I was very impressed by the examiner. He was a retired police sergeant with over 35 years of experience on the force who has performed well over a thousand exams ranging from criminals and spouses to every police candidate in his jurisdiction who needed to submit to a poly before they were hired. If polygraphs are good enough for the DoD and a hiring practice for every police officer, then I do not consider them junk science in the least. The examiner was also the instructor for other officers learning how to perform the exam.
He took great time explaining how the poly works, what he will be doing, and how he will interpret the results and that there could only be three possible outcomes. Innocent, guilty or he doesn't know which he explained is very very rare. Everything is done on a modern computer, there is no such thing as the wavy bar graphs we all think of. One of the first things I asked was the degree of accuracy and he stated that the test ALL depends on how good the examiner is. He went on to explain what he does to make sure it is the best and most reliable test and that the opinion he offers is correct. He will not perform more than 2 exams a week because they are too exhausting. Examiners who churn through 4-5 a day are the ones who make a lot of mistakes in his opinion.
We took over an hour in the pre-exam going over what the issues were and refining the questions to be asked so they encompassed every possible scenario. Every sexual possibility, gender, opportunity, and people involved were discussed and refined to make the best most concise questions that were properly worded. I was impressed with his thoroughness of making sure all the issues we had were covered. When my wife left to use the restroom before the exam started, he looked me in the eyes and sternly said she won't beat or trick him.
The actual exam took over an hour as I sat in the waiting room. When it was over my wife came out and told me everything that happened and how weird and stressful it is. We sat for 15-20 minutes while I pondered our fate. He explained in the beginning that he takes longer because he forms his own opinion during the exam and does not rely on the computer algorithms. He will then double check his own findings to the computer to see if there is any discrepancy. I'm only writing this because I was impressed with his entire thoroughness and candor.
He returned with the results and informed me that without a doubt my wife DID NOT cheat on me or have an affair, physical or otherwise, with anyone. He told me he would stake his reputation and credibility that my wife was telling the truth and I believe him 100%. At that moment a huge weight was lifted off me. My wife broke down and started crying. She was actually apologizing to me that I had to go through this and that she was sorry for doing dumb things that broke my trust in her. She was never once angry with me for going through all her private accounts, personal items, or accusations. We both agreed that we need to work on our marriage and get some couples counseling.
I realize I'm a very rare and lucky individual and that most of the time the results would not be the same. I feel like an ******* now but still stand by my right to be suspicious. There were just too many red flags and their explanations were highly unlikely. There were a few other big red flags that came to light after my last post that made me even more sure she cheated. If anything, I hope my experience gives someone out there the knowledge that if there is no "smoking gun" then there is a possibility that your spouse is telling the truth. In no way does that diminish the pain and horror that many face when they find out an uglier truth. If you have suspicions or there are red flags, then you need to act on them and make sure they are either true or false. Don't ever settle for feeling bad in a replationship or turn a blind eye to suspicious behavior. It will eventually tear you apart. I guess even if the odds are 100 to 1 there still has to be that one. I was extremely fortunate and it's not realistic to think that will be the case every time.
I now realize how dumb I was by not communicating with my wife. I shut down and she shut down. That only lead to suspicion creeping in and transformed things into red flags that could have been easily discussed. It's sad that my wife tried wearing lingerie to work to try and spark my interest in her, then chickened out and having her feel that she couldn't tell me about it. I'm equally to blame for fostering a marriage where we grew apart and creating an environment where we both felt we could not talk or open up to each other. No one wants to or should be in a cold lifeless marriage but it's up to both partners to work on it. I know I failed in that and realize we have a lot of work to do to rekindle the relationship we once had. I damn sure willing to try my best now that I can move forward.
Thank you for everyone's helpfulness and insight. Even the guy who was talking about skirts. Lol. I really had no one else to talk to about this and posting here gave me a much needed outlet. I wish you all the best in your future endeavors.