I am very troubled and sad that I am here and actually posting this in an effort to seek advice and wisdom in my marriage. I have been married to my wife for 12 years and together with her for 18. We have two small wonderful children. We are both financially successful and we hardly ever argue or fight. Sounds wonderful right? Well, it was but I now have the gut wrenching feeling that something is wrong.
We've always had a good relationship and a decent sex life. The sex dried up a couple of years ago and I thought nothing of it due to our young children and the stress and changes raising a family brings. I first became suspicious a little over a year ago. I pay our credit card bills sometimes and noticed she purchased a few items from Adem and Eve. No big deal. My wife is just exploring her sexuality which I thought could only help our relationship. Then I noticed a few purchases from Fredericks of Hollywood. Here's where it gets fuzzy for me. She never wore the lingerie for me and never told me about it. This didn't sit right with me as it didn't make sense so I paid more attention to it. I noticed she wore the lingerie to work sometimes including crotchless panties. I don't mean to be crass either, but I also noticed her panties would sometimes look like she was very excited during the day. She does the laundry so I'm positive she never thought I would notice. Now my hackles were up.
I searched our home computer and her cell phone and could not find any evidence of someone else. Yet, my wife would get dolled up for work and were lingerie underneath her business clothes only to come home and change out of them. She would not take a shower though as I looked for that. After a few weeks of when this all started, my wife became very sexually aggressive. She would put the kids to bed and come up with all sorts of kinky things. I honestly didn't know if I could keep up. I thought that maybe my wife was just reaching her sexual maturity since she is in her mid to late thirties. She also surprised me during this time when she all of a sudden out of nowhere started to deep throat (again I apologize for being explicit). Where does a women just learn a trick like that? She would also carry those small fresh breath toothbrushes that require no water or rinsing in her car. I never thought much of it until I started looking at the big picture.
During this time frame she started running and working out at home as well as using a Fitbit. My wife has always been very attractive and in good shape, just not super physically fit. As I said, I had my suspicions but could never find any concrete proof other then this circumstantial evidence. I was upset but decided to drop it.
Fast forward to today. Our sex life has been none existent for the past 8 months. Zero. I recently noticed that she once again purchased more lingerie from Fredericks over a month ago. She also has been getting wax treatments done for her bikini area. Once again, I have not been the beneficiary of any of these things. Our relationship is not very open and we really do not have much dialogue or open up to each other anymore. She doesn't even kiss me goodbye anymore and if she does it's on the cheek. All my past suspicions have come back and I just have that feeling in my gut.
I've tried to find evidence again but to no avail. If my wife is or did cheat it would have to be at work. She works at a very large company and has unlimited free time there. She could be gone for an hour and no one would question it. It is a rare occasion that I can ever get a hold of her at work and she usually, but not always, responds to my texts or voicemails after a few hours. She never works late or goes into the office at strange times. She guards her cell phone but does give me access to it. I searched through it last night and didn't find anything except a couple of strange numbers that were blocked from texting and FaceTime.
So that's where I am at. I have no real proof, just very suspicious behavior and a terrible feeling deep down. The bad part is is that my instincts are usually correct. I love my family very much. They are the most important thing to me in the world. I would suffer through a marriage to keep my children free of the pain that divorce causes. I just don't know where to go from her. I thought of confronting her, but realize that if she is cheating then she would just lie about it and take better steps to cover her tracks. However, the uncertainty is causing just as much damage. It is making me distant and cold. Do I have nothing to worry about? Should I investigate further? Should I confront her? I appreciate each and everyone of you for taking the time to read this and look forward to any advice or suggestions you may have.
Been meaning to respond to this thread for a while - I hope I'm not too late and I'm not creating a zombie.
Glad to hear the poly came back positive. I think you can trust the results, as far as I'm concerned. The 'inexplicable' events and contexts of what happened definitely point to major issues in the marriage, I don't think they necessarily provide incontrovertible proof of infidelity. While infidelity *could* be the cause for those things, there are other causes as well, such as disconnection, fear, resentment, self-consciousness and poor communication.
Deep throating? There isn't much to 'learn' - it's more a matter of willingness than it is 'skill.' I've been with my share of women who 'deep throat' (including my own wife, when I'm lucky), and I don't know that any of them had to be taught to do it. Most women know that deep-throating is awesome for men, so they do it. It's not like it's something that takes practice, it just takes the desire to want to give a really good blow job.
Wearing lingerie to work? It's entirely possible that she did that to remind *herself* that she is sexual and sexually adventurous. You know how women swear up and down that they often wear makeup and dress sexy 'for themselves' and not for anyone else? This could be another example of that mentality.
Maybe she thought wearing lingerie would turn her on to the point that she could overcome her reservations about having sex with you, who knows. I wouldn't put it past my wife to do something like that. She has bought lingerie in the past with the full intent of wearing it for me, but it took an almost herculean effort on her part to fulfill that intention. Her self-consciousness got the better of her many times before she finally had the nerve to wear it for me. Same goes for the various 'boudoir' photos she has taken from time to time - she sat on them forever before finally sharing them with me.
And all that was when we had a active, exciting, 'open' sex life. No way she could work up the nerve to share those things with me whilst in the midst of a sexless marriage, even if she initially thought she might be able to. She takes any sexual rejection, of any type, really, really hard. She can sexually reject me or tease me about my bedroom behavior all she wants, but if I do the same to her, I'm the most insensitive jerk in the world. Women are weird like that...
Bikini waxing? Very likely the same as the lingerie. Maybe it just made her feel like she was still a sexual creature, maybe it was a way for her to confirm her own feelings of still being sexually desirable, to keep her connected to who she used to be and what she used to enjoy.
My marriage has been mostly sexless for five years. During that time, I have often shaved my ‘nether regions', despite there being exactly zero good reasons for doing so. Granted, shaving is less painful and expensive than waxing, but the motivation might be the same (and the process is still painstaking and laborious). I literally did it just for me. I felt better about myself for having done it. I felt like it was a way to keep at least some part of my sexual personae alive.
Since I can see what at least I think are viable, non-cheating explanations for her behavior, I would advise accepting the poly results as definitive and go to work dealing with the very real and serious sex/intimacy issues you and your wife are facing.