Did my wife cheat on me? Need help. - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #1 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 12:00 PM Thread Starter
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Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

Hello Everyone,

I am very troubled and sad that I am here and actually posting this in an effort to seek advice and wisdom in my marriage. I have been married to my wife for 12 years and together with her for 18. We have two small wonderful children. We are both financially successful and we hardly ever argue or fight. Sounds wonderful right? Well, it was but I now have the gut wrenching feeling that something is wrong.

We've always had a good relationship and a decent sex life. The sex dried up a couple of years ago and I thought nothing of it due to our young children and the stress and changes raising a family brings. I first became suspicious a little over a year ago. I pay our credit card bills sometimes and noticed she purchased a few items from Adem and Eve. No big deal. My wife is just exploring her sexuality which I thought could only help our relationship. Then I noticed a few purchases from Fredericks of Hollywood. Here's where it gets fuzzy for me. She never wore the lingerie for me and never told me about it. This didn't sit right with me as it didn't make sense so I paid more attention to it. I noticed she wore the lingerie to work sometimes including crotchless panties. I don't mean to be crass either, but I also noticed her panties would sometimes look like she was very excited during the day. She does the laundry so I'm positive she never thought I would notice. Now my hackles were up.

I searched our home computer and her cell phone and could not find any evidence of someone else. Yet, my wife would get dolled up for work and were lingerie underneath her business clothes only to come home and change out of them. She would not take a shower though as I looked for that. After a few weeks of when this all started, my wife became very sexually aggressive. She would put the kids to bed and come up with all sorts of kinky things. I honestly didn't know if I could keep up. I thought that maybe my wife was just reaching her sexual maturity since she is in her mid to late thirties. She also surprised me during this time when she all of a sudden out of nowhere started to deep throat (again I apologize for being explicit). Where does a women just learn a trick like that? She would also carry those small fresh breath toothbrushes that require no water or rinsing in her car. I never thought much of it until I started looking at the big picture.

During this time frame she started running and working out at home as well as using a Fitbit. My wife has always been very attractive and in good shape, just not super physically fit. As I said, I had my suspicions but could never find any concrete proof other then this circumstantial evidence. I was upset but decided to drop it.

Fast forward to today. Our sex life has been none existent for the past 8 months. Zero. I recently noticed that she once again purchased more lingerie from Fredericks over a month ago. She also has been getting wax treatments done for her bikini area. Once again, I have not been the beneficiary of any of these things. Our relationship is not very open and we really do not have much dialogue or open up to each other anymore. She doesn't even kiss me goodbye anymore and if she does it's on the cheek. All my past suspicions have come back and I just have that feeling in my gut.

I've tried to find evidence again but to no avail. If my wife is or did cheat it would have to be at work. She works at a very large company and has unlimited free time there. She could be gone for an hour and no one would question it. It is a rare occasion that I can ever get a hold of her at work and she usually, but not always, responds to my texts or voicemails after a few hours. She never works late or goes into the office at strange times. She guards her cell phone but does give me access to it. I searched through it last night and didn't find anything except a couple of strange numbers that were blocked from texting and FaceTime.

So that's where I am at. I have no real proof, just very suspicious behavior and a terrible feeling deep down. The bad part is is that my instincts are usually correct. I love my family very much. They are the most important thing to me in the world. I would suffer through a marriage to keep my children free of the pain that divorce causes. I just don't know where to go from her. I thought of confronting her, but realize that if she is cheating then she would just lie about it and take better steps to cover her tracks. However, the uncertainty is causing just as much damage. It is making me distant and cold. Do I have nothing to worry about? Should I investigate further? Should I confront her? I appreciate each and everyone of you for taking the time to read this and look forward to any advice or suggestions you may have.


Last edited by Goldfinger; 03-04-2017 at 12:05 PM.
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post #2 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 12:07 PM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

So sorry. You have a sexless marriage and she is getting off somewhere else.

You know she is cheating. Just file for D. You can't "find out about her cheating", but you know it is happening.

This can't be the way you wanted your marriage to be. No sex for all this time and she is addicted to someone else.

Get tested for stds, but don't bother looking. Just go see your attorney and file.

Don't bother to tell her anything. Just file, and move on. She is an addict to her sex partner or partners.

consider trying to get help for the pain by going to affair recovery.com.
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post #3 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 12:20 PM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Goldfinger View Post
Did my wife cheat on me?
After reading your story, that's a rhetorical question.

You already know the answer. Act accordingly.
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post #4 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 12:23 PM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

Sir
Sorry but it is quite clear.
Get yourself a PI
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post #5 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 12:43 PM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

If this isn't made up, of course she is cheating.

Reads almost directly out of a cheating wife erotic story.

Pretty cliché actually.
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post #6 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 12:56 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

Thanks for the replies even though they are not exactly what I was hoping to hear. I understand what everyone has said. I just wish I had a smoking gun. I'd hate to ruin our family if there was even a remote chance I was wrong. I know the evidence I have is not good, but there are no strange phone calls, nothing strange on her phone, her whereabouts are always known except for at work, she still says she loves me and is chipper, she is even always planning vacations for our family to take. I realize this sounds like I'm grasping at straws, but my life as I know it is at stake. Again, thank you for the advice.
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post #7 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 01:10 PM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

The only way you are going to get peace on this is: either you or a PI follow her and see what's going on. I assure you that there is no shame in doing that. Sounds to me like she is having an affair.


"If more people were judgmental, then maybe there would be less infidelity"
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post #8 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 01:35 PM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

Of course she does not need to have anything on her phone, sounds like she is getting her thrills at work.

No woman shops Fredericks and get her private waxed for nothing, she is doing it someone and that someone is not you. I would not be putting on lingerie or getting a wax job unless i had a reason too.

You do have evidence lingerie, waxings and you not get any for 8 months.



You do matter!
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post #9 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 01:49 PM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

You are looking here for a plan. If you have the funds, hire a PI.
Next, based on his findings you may choose to do nothing. However, if she is in the throes of an affair, please do not just ingore. If you want a shot at your marriage, you will need to blow things up. First, once you have incontrovertable proof, expose to your wife. Next, if you have used a PI, you will know the identity of the affair partner. Blow up his world as well. The rest of this will follow. Your first step is to get a PI.
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post #10 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 01:50 PM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

I am sorry to have to say this, but I had no idea my husband was having an affair AT ALL until it blew up in my face. There were no calls, no texts, nothing. Everything they did was done AT work, which is unbelievable. Don't think that just because you don't physically have proof, that it can't be happening. I am a woman and can say that I only shop at those stores when I have intentions of using what I buy from there! If i were you, or if I could do it over again, I would hire a PI or a VAR in the car. But she is most definitely cheating.
Please know that when you get your proof, it is going to be extremely painful. I am almost 3 months past D-Day and it it just as painful as the first, for me. Again, if I could do that part over, I would have done the 180 and kicked him out immediately. Then we can either separate or reconcile from afar, either way they are learning a lesson.

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post #11 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 01:55 PM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

Have you been asking her for sex all these months. do not be a beta male. Discuss the current situation of your marriage and your observations about her changes and whether she has an affair. Like many says about these things being up front is the way to go. the more you wait the more you lose control. whatever it is be confident. Pain is certain. Suffering is optional

Last edited by curious234; 03-04-2017 at 02:20 PM.
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post #12 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 03:11 PM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

Do not tip her off.

She will take it further underground. If you can't D, then you have received great advice about the VAR in her car, and the PI.

Get tested for stds if you ever do have sex with her.

This is no way to live. Better to take care of your family and let her go.

Call your attorney or file for d on your own.

Too much is happening to say that she is not cheating on you.
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post #13 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 03:36 PM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

Just being up the things she has bought and the waxing. Say I know it's not for me so who is it this time.
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post #14 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 03:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

Thanks for the advice everyone. It's sad that so many of us seem to have to go through this. I'm going to try out the VAR tip.
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post #15 of 103 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 04:05 PM
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Re: Did my wife cheat on me? Need help.

Do not bring up the things she has bought or the waxings. Do not tip her off to your suspicions because she will deny everything and then learn to hide it all better. You will never know anything if you confront her too early. If anything, you should be very cheerful and act like you suspect nothing. But either the VAR or PI will reveal everything, and usually very soon.

When you do confront her, NEVER reveal your source. When you do confront her, do it with shock and awe. Hand her divorce papers, expose to the other man's spouse and your wife's family, and move her personal items to the guest bedroom. You do these things so that you have a better chance of saving your marriage, ironically.
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