About to lose everything.
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » About to lose everything.

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 12-24-2011, 09:46 PM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 5
Unhappy About to lose everything.

Hopefully someone here can help me. This is a hard thing to talk about, but I have no other place to turn.

A little back story...my wife and I have been together for 10 years married for almost 5. We have had a pretty rocky time through the years with money issues, trust issues (addiction) and even health scares, but through it all we worked it out. Recently she has been hanging out with a woman 10 years her junior and becoming distant. I asked over and over what the problem was, but got nowhere. I started to suspect she was cheating on me and this woman knew who it was, but come to find out after confronting her my wife tells me she is developing feelings for this woman.

Her reasoning for this is the hours I work, that we do not talk, and that we argue "all the time". She told me she has noticed I have been trying harder to save our marriage, but that she is "developing feelings" for this woman and will not let them go. She says even if she did I would never trust her again. I am in a no win situation and am about to lose the love of my life and my daughter (5) to something "that could just be a passing phase". She says she still loves me but is drawing further and further away from me. I try to tell her how she is making me feel, but no matter how I explain it she can not be empathetic.

Should I just walk away? Should I fight for my wife and family? I am lost and falling into a deep despair I am not sure I will be able to recover from. I am physically sick over this. I love my wife, but she wants me to let this happen and is willing to sacrifice it all "to make me happy".

PLEASE HELP ME!

Last edited by NeedHelpInTn; 12-24-2011 at 10:11 PM.
NeedHelpInTn is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 12-24-2011, 09:53 PM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
Chaparral's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 9,222
Default Re: About to lose everything.

Is the other woman married or in a relationship? Does your wife friends and parents know what she is doing? Is the other woman a lesbian?
Chaparral is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-24-2011, 10:06 PM   #3 (permalink)
OOE
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: the Moment!
Posts: 125
Default Re: About to lose everything.

While your specifics might be less common, your wife is in a fullblown EA/PA with this OW. You should handle it just as any other affair should be dealt with.

Read this post.

She's deep in the fog. Understand that while your marriage likely had issues, much of what she's telling you is rationalization for her affair.
OOE is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-24-2011, 10:07 PM   #4 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 5
Default Re: About to lose everything.

The other "woman" is a 19 year old girl. She says she is a lesbian which is why this has blindsided me. My wife says she told her father who told her " do whatever makes you happy".

She says she does not want to lose me, and says she will try to control these feelings, but she also says she will not give up the friendship with this woman and I will make that uncomfortable. Every time i try to tell her how I feel. How I will do anything short of letting her cheat on me she only hears anger and latches onto a word or phrase and a fight starts....which i diffuse as quickly as I can lately and try to get a conversation back on track.

I love her so much, but don't think I can save this and keep my sanity.
NeedHelpInTn is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-24-2011, 10:09 PM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
tacoma's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Florida
Posts: 5,248
Default Re: About to lose everything.

Personally I believe when ever anyone is confronted with the knowledge of their spouse in an affair the first thing they should do is draw up divorce papers regardless of whether or not they wish to attempt to salvage the marriage.

I recommend this because it creates a win/win situation for the betrayed.

Most often the wayward spouse sees the finality of divorce and it shocks them into ditching their lover.

Those rarer times when the wayward accepts the divorce and is ready to move on it`s better for the betrayed as they don`t waste anytime with the waywards lies, gaslighting, trickle truth and false hope.

They are able to cut a cancer out of their life relatively quickly and move on.
tacoma is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-24-2011, 10:11 PM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
tacoma's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Florida
Posts: 5,248
Default Re: About to lose everything.

Quote:
Originally Posted by NeedHelpInTn View Post

She says she does not want to lose me, and says she will try to control these feelings, but she also says she will not give up the friendship with this woman and I will make that uncomfortable.

Have her served with divorce papers and see how fast she drops that lesbian.
tacoma is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-24-2011, 10:16 PM   #7 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 5
Default Re: About to lose everything.

She has also said if this woman were a man, I would not be able to reconcile, but I think I could be more forgiving of a physical "fling" easier than an emotional attachment that I can only imagine two woman can have.
NeedHelpInTn is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-24-2011, 10:16 PM   #8 (permalink)
OOE
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: the Moment!
Posts: 125
Default Re: About to lose everything.

Quote:
Originally Posted by tacoma View Post
Personally I believe when ever anyone is confronted with the knowledge of their spouse in an affair the first thing they should do is draw up divorce papers regardless of whether or not they wish to attempt to salvage the marriage.

I recommend this because it creates a win/win situation for the betrayed.

Most often the wayward spouse sees the finality of divorce and it shocks them into ditching their lover.

Those rarer times when the wayward accepts the divorce and is ready to move on it`s better for the betrayed as they don`t waste anytime with the waywards lies, gaslighting, trickle truth and false hope.

They are able to cut a cancer out of their life relatively quickly and move on.


Plus, I believe that all affairs should be blown wide open and exposed fully (family, friends, other person's family, work, etc). When you do that, if they still choose to leave, they no longer have a support group saying, "if he's done all that, you should leave him!" Rather, they often feel like they've lost that support and the affair has to be able to stand on its own. Often they can't.

Last edited by OOE; 12-24-2011 at 10:21 PM.
OOE is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-24-2011, 10:21 PM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,218
Default Re: About to lose everything.

She is playing mind games with you. She is cheating on you with another human being. It does not make a difference whether it is a man or a woman. She is playing you like a violin. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. A marriage is between 2 people and not 3. It seems she is wanting you to allow her to share herself with another person. She is playing you for a fool. If you allow this then she will be correct.
bryanp is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-25-2011, 09:30 AM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
ShootMePlz!'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 304
Default Re: About to lose everything.

Its hard to put the Genie back into the lamp if the Genie wants to stay out!!! If they stay "Friends" they will start back up with the physical part at sometime again. The other woman will always be a threat and don't think just because its a woman that its not as bad.....she won't just place nice and revert back into just friends she wants more.
ShootMePlz! is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-25-2011, 10:03 AM   #11 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 5
Default

Talked more about it after our daughter opened her presents this morning. She still is adamant about not ending their "friendship" so I told her I was filing for divorce.

I feel sick. How can I be here for my daughter on Christmas when I can't stop thinking about this?
Posted via Mobile Device
NeedHelpInTn is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-25-2011, 10:25 AM   #12 (permalink)
TRy
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,645
Default Re: About to lose everything.

Quote:
Originally Posted by NeedHelpInTn View Post
She says she does not want to lose me, and says she will try to control these feelings, but she also says she will not give up the friendship with this woman
She wants to cake eat. She says that she "will try to control these feelings" meaning that she will only "try" but not guarantee that she will not continue the PA, and also meaning that she does not even claim that she will stop having feeling for the OW that she should only have for you.

The fact that given a choice between losing you or giving up the OW, she picks the OW without question means that you have already lost your wife. You no longer come first to her. In this case, filing for a divorce is not a trick to get her back, but an acknowledgment of a reality.

Your wife telling her father that she is a lesbian, and him telling her that it was OK, means that she is now fully committing to moving forward with this lifestyle. There is nothing you could have done. Ignore her blame shifting and move on.

I am so sorry for you and your child.
TRy is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-25-2011, 10:26 AM   #13 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: So Cal
Posts: 4,363
Default Re: About to lose everything.

Your fear and desperation are your enemies, you need to conquer them FIRST for your well being as well as your child's.

Please start implementing The 180 degree rules so that you can start to emotionally detach from your wife and start becoming emotionally strong so that you can move on with your life with or without her.
__________________
"Man is not a rational animal, he is a rationalizing animal." Robert A. Heinlein

Links
morituri is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-25-2011, 11:57 AM   #14 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 5
Default

Thank everyone for your replies. I think you may have saved my life. I was having a very hard time dealing with this and thinking I was the only one. I really appreciate all the tough advice. I have fully committed to the divorce now and am looking out for me and my daughter first and foremost.

I think I can actually do this after reading the information posted. Of course I reserve the right to be totally depressed tomorrow and second guess myself, but if I do I will reread everything you all have posted.

Merry Christmas
Posted via Mobile Device
NeedHelpInTn is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-25-2011, 12:32 PM   #15 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 215
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by tacoma View Post
Personally I believe when ever anyone is confronted with the knowledge of their spouse in an affair the first thing they should do is draw up divorce papers regardless of whether or not they wish to attempt to salvage the marriage.

I recommend this because it creates a win/win situation for the betrayed.

Most often the wayward spouse sees the finality of divorce and it shocks them into ditching their lover.

Those rarer times when the wayward accepts the divorce and is ready to move on it`s better for the betrayed as they don`t waste anytime with the waywards lies, gaslighting, trickle truth and false
hope.

They are able to cut a cancer out of their life relatively quickly and move on.
Well put I think its the conclusion I have come to. I didn't want to D but its the road I must travel I don't see
the possibility of R aside from being in love with me which she clearly is not she wouldn't be capable of doing what woukd be required which would include 24 hour gps tracking
Posted via Mobile Device
Blindasabat is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Lose Lose Situation :( Please help-any advice welcome brokenman30 General Relationship Discussion 37 07-03-2012 01:07 PM
Lose my anxiety, or lose my wife! showtech1 Physical & Mental Health Issues 3 08-13-2010 12:52 AM
Lose my marriage or lose myself? peaceseeker Considering Divorce or Separation 4 01-20-2009 04:18 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 11:46 AM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.