Trying to Stop Wife Before She Decides to Cheat. - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 01:26 AM Thread Starter
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Trying to Stop Wife Before She Decides to Cheat.

Currently married to W of 7 years. Don’t fight basically ever, but our high-demand jobs are stressful and things since our 3 year old was born have been taxing. We went from a very sexual, affectionate marriage to one that lacked both. Mostly, I held back because she had issues with sex after childbirth and it wasn’t that enjoyable for her. I didn’t want her to feel pressured so I dialed back my sexual aggressiveness towards her. Eventually, this led to a pattern of her being more of a roommate than a wife. She works nights, I work days, and when she does sleep at home on her off days, she sleeps in the kids bed.

Eventually, I realized that I needed to share my feelings for her and that was more important than being a nice guy and not “pressuring” her into sex. I have made a lot of efforts to revitalize our marriage and sex life to what it was before our kid came along. She has stated that she approves of these steps, and wants me to keep it going. After working on this for a while though, I had noticed it was not really reciprocated. She showed no real affection back, no increased sexual desire, and no compliments/comments about me similar to what I shower on her. She was absorbing all of my attention/affection but not doing much in return. I chalked this up to her needing time to get back into the groove of things.

However, one day I noticed a message on her iPad from her best friend that indicated that her friend had cheated on her husband. I feel bad, but this prompted me to make the decision to read through her recent conversations with her best friend and discovered that her friend had been going on for months about how bad her sex life was and that she was longing to sleep with someone else and that she convinced her husband to have a three-way with another man in order to sleep with someone else. What her friend confessed to my wife was that her friend had slept with the three-way dude before and after the allowed, consensual three-way with her husband, which was now turning into a straight-up affair without the husband’s knowledge.

I didn’t care about her friend, but I was shocked at my wife’s reaction in basically trying to empathize with and relate to her best friend by saying that she understood her decisions, she had no judgment, and that my wife actually had eye-candy at work and discussed the steps she would need to take to actually cheat on me (but hadn’t done yet). My wife has told this friend that she feels conflicted about the attention she’s receiving from the men at work (which only involves basic flirting and looking cute at work) compared to my efforts to revitalize our marriage. She even told her friend about plans for us to have another kid in a few months right before she started talking about her lust for one or two of her co-workers. I seriously have no idea which direction she will go right now.

I’m worried that in an attempt to relate with her best friend, she’s getting these thoughts and ideas in her head about cheating that may not otherwise be so front-and-center. I know my wife is her own person, but when all she’s hearing about daily is how her best friend is having this “exciting” life and having great sex now, I worry she’ll want to go down that road too.

So now I’m coyly trying to get her to spill the beans on her friend’s issues in the slightest so I can open the door and start talking about it, but she has kept all of those details secret from me. I’ve kept up my efforts to be a great husband and show affection and improve our sex life as best as I can, but you can only do so much by yourself. Telling her I read her private messages would likely cause as much, if not more, damage than her behaviors have so far.

I guess I’m trying to figure out how to steer her away from temptation and her toxic best friend and back towards her family before she makes a decision she can't turn back from.

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post #2 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 01:53 AM
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Re: Trying to Stop Wife Before She Decides to Cheat.

How about an unexpected visit to her office. Drop in with flowers and see how she reacts. I would think it's harder for someone to take the leap once they met the spouse.
I would also let her know that you feel like your efforts are not being reciprocated and ask her if everything's ok or does she thinks you guys should go and talk to a marriage councilor. It's hard after having a baby - maybe shes just exhausted and overwhelmed. I know I was. It wasn't until my child was in school on a normal M-F full day schedule did I start to really recover.
It's worth the conversation because if she does cheat - you will never recover.

Good luck


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post #3 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 01:56 AM
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Re: Trying to Stop Wife Before She Decides to Cheat.

Back everything up and confront.

Draw your line in the sand, and tell her that the bullsh*t ends or your marriage ends.

The toxic friend needs to go. I'd also expose her affair to her betrayed husband.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #4 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 02:04 AM
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Re: Trying to Stop Wife Before She Decides to Cheat.

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By Mr. Zer0
my wife actually had eye-candy at work and discussed the steps she would need to take to actually cheat on me
she started talking about her lust for one or two of her co-workers.

Get a consultation from an attorney (sometimes the first is free). Have the attorney give you a letter that you have discussed divorce with him/her. With cold steely eyes give this letter to your wife and tell her that you know about her discussions on how she could cheat on you and the lust that she has for her co-workers. Tell her to do not even try the mad act because you found out because you looked at her iPad. Looking at her iPad is a misdemeanor but her actions are like a felony, talking and planning a murder of your marriage.

You have to let your wife know that you are not about to become some door mat that will share his wife with another man. Be ready and brave enough to follow through with your threats in case your wife tries to make excuses or soft peddle her dangerous actions or does not make you totally and solely her number one man. A wife that wants another man outside of marriage is not worthy to be married to her husband. Such a woman is a person that puts her lust and selfishness before her husband and child. She can try and spin it anyway she wants but her betrayal will harm her child.

No compromising. Either she makes a permanent 180 turnaround and proves that with actions or you get out of the marriage now before you are in too deep and it will cost you LOT more than right now.

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post #5 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 02:08 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Trying to Stop Wife Before She Decides to Cheat.

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Originally Posted by Kim C View Post
How about an unexpected visit to her office. Drop in with flowers and see how she reacts. I would think it's harder for someone to take the leap once they met the spouse.
I would also let her know that you feel like your efforts are not being reciprocated and ask her if everything's ok or does she thinks you guys should go and talk to a marriage councilor. It's hard after having a baby - maybe shes just exhausted and overwhelmed. I know I was. It wasn't until my child was in school on a normal M-F full day schedule did I start to really recover.
It's worth the conversation because if she does cheat - you will never recover.

Good luck


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Thank you for the advice. Unfortunately I work days and she works nights and we have a 3-year old at home that I can't leave (obviously) to go to her work. One of the steps she mentioned she would need to do to cheat is to go out with the other office guys socially after work for diner breakfasts that they keep inviting her to. I've already told her I'd LOVE to come along to those in order to dampen that. Fortunately right now she prefers sleep to the other guys so far.

Part of me hopes that her comments to her friends are just big-game talking and she has no real intention of doing anything. I was hoping the kid thing would resolve our lives once he gets old enough but her wanting another kid shortly means we'd be resetting the whole process to start all over again.
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post #6 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 02:22 AM
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Re: Trying to Stop Wife Before She Decides to Cheat.

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Originally Posted by GusPolinski View Post
Back everything up and confront.

Draw your line in the sand, and tell her that the bullsh*t ends or your marriage ends.

The toxic friend needs to go. I'd also expose her affair to her betrayed husband.
This

You're overthinking way too much here. It's really not that complicated.

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
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post #7 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 02:22 AM
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Re: Trying to Stop Wife Before She Decides to Cheat.

Step one, job change for her to days, it's unhealthy for your marriage. It's hard to maintain a healthy relationship if you never see each other.
It's also gives a temporary reprieve on work 'temptations'.

Work on this first, there's plenty to do after but this IMO should come first.

Cheers,
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post #8 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 02:24 AM
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Re: Trying to Stop Wife Before She Decides to Cheat.

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Originally Posted by MrZer0 View Post
Thank you for the advice. Unfortunately I work days and she works nights and we have a 3-year old at home that I can't leave (obviously) to go to her work. One of the steps she mentioned she would need to do to cheat is to go out with the other office guys socially after work for diner breakfasts that they keep inviting her to. I've already told her I'd LOVE to come along to those in order to dampen that. Fortunately right now she prefers sleep to the other guys so far.



Part of me hopes that her comments to her friends are just big-game talking and she has no real intention of doing anything. I was hoping the kid thing would resolve our lives once he gets old enough but her wanting another kid shortly means we'd be resetting the whole process to start all over again.


You don't have family or a friend that could stay with the baby for a couple of hours?

Most women don't talk game. If we do, our spouse would know that our friend is having an affair and that's what we are doing to get the intel.

2nd child is much easier than the first because you now know what to expect. That being said, I wouldn't have another child until you were both happy. My friend had a baby in an attempt to save her marriage. They separated a week after the baby was born.





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post #9 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 02:37 AM
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Re: Trying to Stop Wife Before She Decides to Cheat.

This is where today's modern man falls.

Your wife is thinking about/wanting to bang other men.

Your wife has you running and jumping through hoops to try and freshen up the marriage and apparently she "approves".

Your wife has a friend actively banging another dude as well as banging this dude with her husband..and your wife approves.

You know your wife wants to bang another man and yet you "coyly" want to tip toe around the subject and ask her politely if she's planning on cheating.

Not to mention she wants to (without even consulting you) to bring another child into the world.

So by your own words, you're merely a provider as well as a sperm donor.

No advice needs to be given because as a man if you can't see and correct what's wrong then that's on you.
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post #10 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 03:30 AM
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Re: Trying to Stop Wife Before She Decides to Cheat.

Come straight out. There's no privacy to cheat in a marriage. You're playing games while the house is on fire for gods sake. This isn't high school.

Why are you affraid? You are acting doormatish. Cmon man!!!!!

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post #11 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 04:22 AM
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Re: Trying to Stop Wife Before She Decides to Cheat.

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Originally Posted by GusPolinski View Post
Back everything up and confront.

Draw your line in the sand, and tell her that the bullsh*t ends or your marriage ends.

The toxic friend needs to go. I'd also expose her affair to her betrayed husband.
Well, I don't have any experience with infidelity, but the quote above is spot on. How can you even want to be with a person who exhibits such a disgusting lack of morals. You would be better off alone. Seriously, your wife is empathizing with a callous, adulterous *****. How can you keep your respect and love for her? I would tell her that you read her replies and that you are disgusted by her responses. I would also tell her that she needs to fix herself or get the **** out. Stop your efforts, too. It's time for your wife to step up, but only after you have put the spotlight on her foul and disrespectful behaviour. She doesn't deserve your patient and loving efforts to fix things. You are a better man than me, as I reckon that once I had read the part about her being conflicted, I would have gone absolutely ape-**** - I have in my own life over far, far less.
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post #12 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 04:26 AM
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Re: Trying to Stop Wife Before She Decides to Cheat.

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This is a complicated situation. I have been in this situation before and trust me it wasn't easy dealing with it. But I am going to share with you a few things that I know. Like I said before, your wife thinking/wanting to cheat is complicated to me. There are three scenarios involved here,
1- She really is cheating on you (without your consent)
2- She's thinking about it but she's not sure yet (vulnerable positions because all she needs here is motivation)
3- She's neither thinking nor planning to cheat on you.
In any of these scenarios I don't think asking her will be an option because that itself might spin out a misunderstanding on trust in the relationship.
Here's what I did, (this may seem wrong but..) I hired a spy hacker to help me find out which of the scenarios that I may have fallen into. After a few days, the hacker contacted me through email with lots of snapshots of cloned messages between W and AF, including hidden photos of AF. I couldn't believe what I was reading, that she has gone that far and It got me wondering just how long this has been going on. We have been separated for 6 months now and although she's being trying to reconcile I still haven't decided what to do.
I don't know how helpful this is to you, but it feels so much better to share my experience. Thanks to this Spy hacker guy for shedding light to the dark parts of my marriage. I would have shared his email address but it may not be appropriate but if anyone needs it, let me know and I will be happy to share.
But then again, what this poster says is good too, if it's legal, and if you think that your wife is already cheating. Your wife's written words would be enough for me to lose my attraction for her. I wish you the very best and I am very sorry about your situation.

Last edited by old red; 03-05-2017 at 04:38 AM.
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post #13 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 05:03 AM
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Re: Trying to Stop Wife Before She Decides to Cheat.

Just give her what she wants. Go file divorce papers.

You're living like roommates. She sleeps in the kids' bedroom. She's friends with a pretty serious cheater who tricked her husband in a cruel way to get what she wanted. I'd be tempted to tell him his wife played him for a total sap. She's flirting at work... If she says she had her eyes set on candy, you can believe she's been flirting at the very least.

People's choice of friends tell you a lot about their character and values. It's too bad that you both have disconnected so badly, but it takes 100% effort from both (not just one) to try and set it right.

You don't even have a marriage. There's hardly any companionship. I don't know about you, but I can think of a million reasons I'd just rather be alone with my kids part time and show them life can be happier, even when parents split, than stay in a loveless relationship where they'll learn that roommate status is what a marriage really is.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #14 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 05:46 AM
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Re: Trying to Stop Wife Before She Decides to Cheat.

At this stage having another child with her would be a disaster.

You could tell her friend's husband.

Set up a mail.com account under an assumed name and send him the details.

You can pretend it is coming from the SO of her friend's AP, for example.

http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk
http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
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post #15 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 05:57 AM
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Re: Trying to Stop Wife Before She Decides to Cheat.

OP,
I am a believer in upfront, open dialog therefore I would make the time to have a conversation with her. I believe this should be done post haste. In the conversation I would, without revealing your source, tell her that you know about her friend, you know about her thoughts to cheat and her "what she needs to do" to accomplish it list. Tell her you are a man of honor and that you also care about her honor so instead of allowing her to sully her integrity you are willing to do the right thing and D her so she can pursue her "dreams". If she asks how you know simply say that you know. If she accuses you of going through her iPad simply respond "you mean OUR iPad?".

Explain to her that in marriage there is no my or I, there is only our and we and that her "secret desire" has no place in this relationship. Also tell her that the lack of intimacy, emotional bonding and neglect is destroying the union and you can not bear to see it so you initiated and implemented a "reset" plan in an attempt to bring back what is now absent. Explain to her that you have not seen sufficient response from her to believe that she wants the feelings to return and now, with this new revelation, you can see where this is heading.

Inform her that you will contact an attorney and start the process in order to preserve her honor and to save you a great deal of pain and heartache. Explain to her that the pain of losing her will be significant but that the pain of her betrayal and subsequent D would be much more so. Throughout this conversation you must be confident and stoic, not showing undue emotion and she must know, in no uncertain terms, that you are deadly serious and fully intend on proceeding. Explain that she is not the person you believed her to be and that you have apparently misplaced your trust believing her to be a person of honor and integrity when she clearly is not.

If she asks what she has done thus far to besmirch her honor simply explain to her that the character of one's friends denotes the character of the person and that by condoning and accepting her friends betrayal of her H she is showing the caliber of person she is. Ask her how a true friend allows their friend to destroy their honor, sully their word, betray their life partner emotionally and physically and perhaps condemning their H or W by possibly introducing a deadly disease without their knowledge. Tell her with friends like that there is no need for enemies.

It is obvious that your wife is operating from a position of compromised cognitive ability and it is problematic how she will respond to this conversation so be prepared for either eventuality. She will either agree with you, capitulate and plead for a chance to reform or she will buck up, defend her position and discount your concerns. If the former happens then you can proceed accordingly however if the latter is her response then you must be ready and willing to proceed with the D. If the latter is an expression of her true feelings then you have little option but to let her go because, in true reality, she is gone already and you will just be forestalling the inevitable thinking that you can save what is not salvageable. The end result will be the same but the toll will be on you in the form of additional pain.

The reality is that she has already betrayed you mentally, do you wish to experience it physically as well? Trust me you do not. I regret your having to deal with this but unfortunately it is your reality. Make a stand now and deal from a position of strength, do not wait until she cheats and your emotions are in turmoil to make the necessary decisions. I wish you well.
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