Trying to Stop Wife Before She Decides to Cheat.
Currently married to W of 7 years. Don’t fight basically ever, but our high-demand jobs are stressful and things since our 3 year old was born have been taxing. We went from a very sexual, affectionate marriage to one that lacked both. Mostly, I held back because she had issues with sex after childbirth and it wasn’t that enjoyable for her. I didn’t want her to feel pressured so I dialed back my sexual aggressiveness towards her. Eventually, this led to a pattern of her being more of a roommate than a wife. She works nights, I work days, and when she does sleep at home on her off days, she sleeps in the kids bed.
Eventually, I realized that I needed to share my feelings for her and that was more important than being a nice guy and not “pressuring” her into sex. I have made a lot of efforts to revitalize our marriage and sex life to what it was before our kid came along. She has stated that she approves of these steps, and wants me to keep it going. After working on this for a while though, I had noticed it was not really reciprocated. She showed no real affection back, no increased sexual desire, and no compliments/comments about me similar to what I shower on her. She was absorbing all of my attention/affection but not doing much in return. I chalked this up to her needing time to get back into the groove of things.
However, one day I noticed a message on her iPad from her best friend that indicated that her friend had cheated on her husband. I feel bad, but this prompted me to make the decision to read through her recent conversations with her best friend and discovered that her friend had been going on for months about how bad her sex life was and that she was longing to sleep with someone else and that she convinced her husband to have a three-way with another man in order to sleep with someone else. What her friend confessed to my wife was that her friend had slept with the three-way dude before and after the allowed, consensual three-way with her husband, which was now turning into a straight-up affair without the husband’s knowledge.
I didn’t care about her friend, but I was shocked at my wife’s reaction in basically trying to empathize with and relate to her best friend by saying that she understood her decisions, she had no judgment, and that my wife actually had eye-candy at work and discussed the steps she would need to take to actually cheat on me (but hadn’t done yet). My wife has told this friend that she feels conflicted about the attention she’s receiving from the men at work (which only involves basic flirting and looking cute at work) compared to my efforts to revitalize our marriage. She even told her friend about plans for us to have another kid in a few months right before she started talking about her lust for one or two of her co-workers. I seriously have no idea which direction she will go right now.
I’m worried that in an attempt to relate with her best friend, she’s getting these thoughts and ideas in her head about cheating that may not otherwise be so front-and-center. I know my wife is her own person, but when all she’s hearing about daily is how her best friend is having this “exciting” life and having great sex now, I worry she’ll want to go down that road too.
So now I’m coyly trying to get her to spill the beans on her friend’s issues in the slightest so I can open the door and start talking about it, but she has kept all of those details secret from me. I’ve kept up my efforts to be a great husband and show affection and improve our sex life as best as I can, but you can only do so much by yourself. Telling her I read her private messages would likely cause as much, if not more, damage than her behaviors have so far.
I guess I’m trying to figure out how to steer her away from temptation and her toxic best friend and back towards her family before she makes a decision she can't turn back from.