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post #151 of 506 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 05:57 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by mickybill View Post
Well, she ain't gone yet. She got an apartment, not a ticket the town 1000 miles away. She may never move when she realizes how hard it will be and you have burned her bridge back to you.
If her stuff is still in the house ask her sisters and family to move it to their house by a specific date. Like Mar 10.

By the way...Did you ever contact or talk to the OM wife? Is he really available? He may still be married or in R with his wife or trying to keep his family together. Don;t believe what she tells you he told her, as he might be lying to her to string her along. Personally, if I were the OM and had a sidepiece 1000 miles away who was hot for me, I might be less than honest with her about my marital situation...just sayin.
Good point about OM's wife but its not my problem anymore. I want her to think that's the story until the D is final. She made her bed now sleep in it. After the D, I might reach out to OM's wife but not before. I don't need to antagonize my wife until the D is done. She's moving her crap out next week.

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post #152 of 506 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 06:09 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

Clem,
I don't know what happened. I guess I had to lose you to see what you really meant to me. I was having some kind of midlife crisis or something. I was just crazy for a while. I'm over all that craziness and am going to never mess up like that again. You were the best thing to ever happen to me. All my family warned me and I just was too wrapped up in it all to see it. I swear we never had sex. It was never physical.
That bad married man seduced me and lied to me and preyed on my enotions.
Tears pouring.
Body limp.

Clem, please get rid of that gorgeous woman half your age that treats you like a freaking king so I can come back and start the same stuff all over when I'm comfortable and secure again....,

Yeah, sure thing babe.

I'd record her telling you it's over and she's just not in love with you anymore. I'd press play when she comes a-knocking.....,

Yeah--- she's not done with Clem yet.
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post #153 of 506 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 06:37 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
Clem,
I don't know what happened. I guess I had to lose you to see what you really meant to me. I was having some kind of midlife crisis or something. I was just crazy for a while. I'm over all that craziness and am going to never mess up like that again. You were the best thing to ever happen to me. All my family warned me and I just was too wrapped up in it all to see it. I swear we never had sex. It was never physical.
That bad married man seduced me and lied to me and preyed on my enotions.
Tears pouring.
Body limp.
There will be about 5 guys lining up here telling you how great it all is and how to force yourself to stand it.
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post #154 of 506 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 07:27 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

Rent a storage unit and throw her crap in there. Pay for a month. Give her the key to the lock and tell her she has to start paying rent on the unit next month or get her stuff out if there. Tell her that first month rent is your farewell gift to her.

By letting her come by to get her stuff a little at a time, you are picking off the scab and not letting the wound heal.
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post #155 of 506 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 07:34 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
Rent a storage unit and throw her crap in there. Pay for a month. Give her the key to the lock and tell her she has to start paying rent on the unit next month or get her stuff out if there. Tell her that first month rent is your farewell gift to her.

By letting her come by to get her stuff a little at a time, you are picking off the scab and not letting the wound heal.
Yep.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #156 of 506 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 07:47 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

She's doing that littie at a time stuff for one reason: Checking to make sure Clemson is still on the hook. When she figures out he's left the lake, she'll start cutting bait and chumming the water with texts.
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post #157 of 506 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 05:09 AM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by Clemson View Post
I really have looked at my role in this marriage and want to take away some lessons for future relationships. Like you say, its trial and error, and if you don't learn from your mistakes you are bound to repeat them. I was not looking for a young 23 y/o when I met my wife. In fact, I thought someone that age might be trouble and a few of my friends said don't do it based solely on her age - they thought she was still at the partying stage. Instead, a few older women I knew who knew me and my wife and her family thought we were a good fit. My wife was cooking meals like casseroles for me when we first started dating and already had a job. She was sewing buttons on my clothes and was really nurturing. She seemed mature. I think emotionally though she is very immature. I always worried a bit that she had not dated many guys before me. But she was so damn reliable and loyal and loving for our first three years of dating that all doubts were gone. My wife is the type of woman who goes to a bar or pool and all eyes are on her. But her eyes and attention were always on me - until last Fall apparently. I really don't think I could have predicted any of this and in some ways that makes me feel better. I know I didn't contribute to the A. I am not perfect but many of the flaws I read about on this board and others I simply don't have. I'll be honest - this thread has been very uplifting for me. It's one of the reasons I keep posting.
Clemson, sorry you find yourself here. I think you're handling things really well under the circumstances, for what it's worth. I'm posting to hopefully give you a bit of insight into "WTF just happened?" and reinforce your belief that it's something that couldn't be predicted.

You, of course, know you wife best. We've had posts that talk your wife's intellect and as you've mentioned her emotional immaturity. To expand on the second point:

There is a mindset, that I think is more prevalent in women than men, that if you're in love with your spouse you won't find other people attractive. A good friend of mine stated something similar over dinner. My response to her was that I live in a big city with plenty of attractive people, that initial attraction is not something I can control and I wouldn't use it as a barometer of the health of my relationship. I think your wife had the same mindset as my friend.

What's less well known is that women in their early thirties have a spike in their testosterone levels and this can lead in some women to feeling unsatisfied in their life or relationship without really knowing why.

An exert from Women's Infidelity:
Quote:
Stage 2

Women at Stage 2 experience reawakened desire stimulated by an encounter outside the marital relationship. Whether these encounters with a "new" man involves sex or remain platonic, women will typically give a tremendous amount of emotional significance to these encounters.
Infidelity, Cheating Wives - Women's Infidelity

This is what I think happened to your stbxw and explains how she so rapidly replaced you with someone she had only met for a few days. Having that "no eyes for anyone else because I love my partner" mindset + being dissatisfied with her life but not knowing why + the attraction to the new man + testosterone not only making her feel dissatisfied but making sure she did something about it. That's not to give her an out; we're all subject to biological forces and drives but we can override them.

Hope this helps and good luck on your journey.
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post #158 of 506 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 07:21 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by azteca1986 View Post
Clemson, sorry you find yourself here. I think you're handling things really well under the circumstances, for what it's worth. I'm posting to hopefully give you a bit of insight into "WTF just happened?" and reinforce your belief that it's something that couldn't be predicted.

You, of course, know you wife best. We've had posts that talk your wife's intellect and as you've mentioned her emotional immaturity. To expand on the second point:

There is a mindset, that I think is more prevalent in women than men, that if you're in love with your spouse you won't find other people attractive. A good friend of mine stated something similar over dinner. My response to her was that I live in a big city with plenty of attractive people, that initial attraction is not something I can control and I wouldn't use it as a barometer of the health of my relationship. I think your wife had the same mindset as my friend.

What's less well known is that women in their early thirties have a spike in their testosterone levels and this can lead in some women to feeling unsatisfied in their life or relationship without really knowing why.

An exert from Women's Infidelity:
Infidelity, Cheating Wives - Women's Infidelity

This is what I think happened to your stbxw and explains how she so rapidly replaced you with someone she had only met for a few days. Having that "no eyes for anyone else because I love my partner" mindset + being dissatisfied with her life but not knowing why + the attraction to the new man + testosterone not only making her feel dissatisfied but making sure she did something about it. That's not to give her an out; we're all subject to biological forces and drives but we can override them.

Hope this helps and good luck on your journey.
Thanks for the info. That is consistent with our counselor who said women in their early 30's are vulnerable to this. I wish she would have mentioned any unhappiness but she was probably confused and she is a poor communicator. I read the article you linked and there are several valid points there. My wife did have an identity crisis this last fall and is still having one. She suddenly felt dissatisfied with the marriage and had no explanation so she blamed our marriage for not meeting her needs out of the blue. The article seems to excuse her A but I still think she was weak at the moment of temptation. It's one thing to have feelings but another to act. Plus the betrayal was especially hard. One of the weeks I was in trial in the most stressful time in my life and she's screwing this other guy and texting me good luck each night. Trial ended up very successfully but it will always be tainted for me.

And then aside from the A there is the decision to choose OM over me once the A became known. To me, that is inexcusable.

Last edited by Clemson; 03-07-2017 at 07:35 AM.
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post #159 of 506 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 07:58 AM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by Clemson View Post
Thanks for the info. That is consistent with our counselor who said women in their early 30's are vulnerable to this. I wish she would have mentioned any unhappiness but she was probably confused and she is a poor communicator. I read the article you linked and there are several valid points there. My wife did have an identity crisis this last fall and is still having one. She suddenly felt dissatisfied with the marriage and had no explanation so she blamed our marriage for not meeting her needs out of the blue.
And as you've said communication could have avoided this situation. No one can meet the needs of their spouse if they are unaware of them.
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The article seems to excuse her A but I still think she was weak at the moment of temptation.
Bear in mind the article, website and accompanying book is written by someone that cheated on their husband and followed that pattern. Betrayed husbands aren't the target audience, so she's trying to be nonjudgmental. But I hope it helps answer the inevitable questions you'll be having of "How could the A have been avoided?" or "Why didn't I see this coming?". Affairs can and do happen in good marriages and they are 100% the fault of the person having the affair.
Quote:
It's one thing to have feelings but another to act.
Absoluetly.
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And then aside from the A there is the decision to choose OM over me once the A became known. To me, that is inexcusable.
Yes, it's particularly brutal. The sad thing is she's just chasing a feeling. Affair partners will tell each other "No one makes me feel the way you do". It's just chemically-induced feeling and yet we see people trash good relationships day after day for feelings that will fade.
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post #160 of 506 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 08:24 AM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

oh, and about her stuff. My x gave me a list of 12 items she wanted, that was all. I still loaded box after box up of her stuff, put it on the porch. I told her 30 days to come get it, after that all going to trash. When she set up a time to get the stuff, I had mutual friends there to oversee. She didnt like them there, but I explained it was best for both of us, no problems occured maybe/maybe not because they were there. It ended up being 6 pickup loads (OM house was only half mile away where she was taking it) . I had had a talk with my friend the OM, a month or so earlier. He had bragged that he had finally decluttered his home, how good it felt. So I launched operation "Fill him up" lol

Key point, get rid of it, fast, efficently, I like the idea of the storage paid for one month, let her deal with her crap.

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post #161 of 506 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 09:19 AM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
She's doing that littie at a time stuff for one reason: Checking to make sure Clemson is still on the hook. When she figures out he's left the lake, she'll start cutting bait and chumming the water with texts.
"come down here and chum some of this sh!t"......
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post #162 of 506 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 09:37 AM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by Clemson View Post
And then aside from the A there is the decision to choose OM over me once the A became known. To me, that is inexcusable.
There is a silver lining to that. There is no mental anguish about whether to R. You can put her in your rear view mirror, recover and move past this that much sooner.
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post #163 of 506 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 09:49 AM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by GusPolinski View Post
Let her go.

No kids? That's awesome.

Double down on NC and 180.

Put her things in storage and send her the key. Better yet, take it all to her parents' house and leave it there.

Cut her out of your life to the absolute furthest degree possible: unfriend and block her on social media, change email addresses, phone numbers, etc. Whatever you have to do.

In the future, stay away from women in their early 20's.
This reply should be a sticky. Esp the last part. As soon as I saw her initial age, none of what happened surprised me. There should be laws against getting married before 30.

Last edited by DonaldDuck666; 03-08-2017 at 09:22 AM.
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post #164 of 506 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 09:54 AM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
She's doing that littie at a time stuff for one reason: Checking to make sure Clemson is still on the hook. When she figures out he's left the lake, she'll start cutting bait and chumming the water with texts.
4 fishing analogies in two lines: Awesome!
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post #165 of 506 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 09:56 AM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by DonaldDuck666 View Post
This reply should be a sticky. Esp the last part. As soon as I saw here initial age, none of what happened surprised me. There should be laws against getting married before 30.
My wife was 22 and I was 27 when we married. It really depends on the person, not the age. After 23 years together, we have now been together longer than her age when we married.

I do agree though that generally its better to wait a little later to marry. I personally wanted a few years of just me and the wife as a couple before introducing kids to the mix. It worked for us.

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