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post #211 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 02:58 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by brooklynAnn View Post
I have to agree with bandit. You did nothing wrong in your marriage. Being busy and working more for a few months while in a new job is to be expected. This is something that your wife knew about and should have expected. What she did however, was wrong.

Marriage goes thru cycles, it's not a static thing that stays the same. How you deal with those changes says a lot about who you are as a thinking being. She made a choice to have an affair and to stay with him. You had no say in this matter.

Stop blaming yourself for her destructive actions.

If she was so lonely and unhappy, she would have most likely complained to her sisters about it and would have given you some hints that she is miserable. Since, she did neither of these things says to me that an opportunity presented itself and she took it.

Maybe, I am naive in my thinking but I always think that I don't want to stay married to someone who choose to be with someone else. I should always be your choice. The moment you choose someone else, I am done. Why fight for someone who does not want you.

Be glad that she will be out of life soon. Life will get better. You will become a better man for this. Good luck.
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post #212 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 03:12 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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This man knows dogs.
Thank You ... I take a lot of pride in my dogs and get much satisfaction from them. Following English Setters after ruffed grouse has been a 50 year passion of mine ... from following my Dad carrying a BB gun before I was old enough for a real shotgun, to now teaching my grandson and being fortunate to somewhat repay my Dad with trips to places he was never able to go back in the day.

Can I forward a guess, based on your username that you're a fellow outdoorsman ... maybe a fisherman or waterfowler?
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post #213 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 04:44 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Thank You ... I take a lot of pride in my dogs and get much satisfaction from them. Following English Setters after ruffed grouse has been a 50 year passion of mine ... from following my Dad carrying a BB gun before I was old enough for a real shotgun, to now teaching my grandson and being fortunate to somewhat repay my Dad with trips to places he was never able to go back in the day.

Can I forward a guess, based on your username that you're a fellow outdoorsman ... maybe a fisherman or waterfowler?
I've hunted over setters and both German and English pointers and they have their strengths to be sure. But the French Brittany (a real French Brittany from France, not the American Brittany with it's dull nose) is a true gentleman's birddog. I have hunted pheasant and quail with them numerous times and they are pure pleasure to hang out with. They hold, point and flush as well as any pointer or setter if they are trained well.
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post #214 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 02:43 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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This is the kind of thing that makes me sad and thinking that I should and could have done more in the marriage and maybe could have prevented all this. .
You are not to blame at all for her cheating. Yes, you may take some blame on any marital issues but how would you know if she never spoke about it? Seriously SHE is 100% to blame for cheating.
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post #215 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 02:55 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by Clemson View Post
I found this board and thought I would start a thread to see if I can get thoughts from others. My Wife is probably too far gone.

Little background on marriage. My Wife and I had a great Marriage and wonderful life. We met when she was 23 and I was 32. Wife is an old soul who likes to sew and cook and comes from a great family where church and family are the focus. She was a late bloomer and really didn't become attractive until college. She is the youngest of 3 daughters. Wife was sweet, loving, loyal and very attractive - perfect wife material. Wife and I were married in 2010 after dating for 3 years. Wife dated one guy all through college before breaking up with him and then meeting me. From the beginning, she was obsessed with me and would not even go out with her friends unless I came too.

We spent all our time together and genuinely loved being with each other. Without a doubt, we were each other’s best friends. Wife was definitely co-dependent on me and I was with her to some extent. I am an attorney and Wife works in insurance and we have no kids so we traveled extensively and generally lived a fun life. My wife complained about very little and never voiced any problems in our marriage. Wife always seemed happy and we almost never fought.

In April 2016, I started a new law firm which began taking up a lot of my time. Wife also started a new job that required her to travel. We seemed to be acclimating fine to this different/stressful time in our lives. I was working particularly long hours in September and October.

In November 2016, I come home from work to find Wife crying on our couch. Wife says she met a male co-worker and they had an affair during 3 week-long business trips (which happened during the period of my birthday and our anniversary). Apparently they really connected and had great passion. Wife says she was lonely and didn't know she was unhappy until she met OM. OM is 35 years old and married with three small children and lives in another state 1000 miles away. I was devastated and never suspected A. Wife tells me she loves me and chooses me over the OM. Wife has deep feelings for OM. Wife sends a no contact text to OM the next day and shows it to me. Wife seemed genuinely remorseful. Wife's two sisters tell me they too had no idea she was in trouble despite talking to her almost everyday. Her entire family is saddened by Wife's actions.

Two weeks later we are boarding a plane for a previously scheduled trip. I look over and see Wife texting OM and I almost have a panic attack. OM has told his wife of the affair but can’t stop thinking of my wife. My wife says OM reached out to her the night before and said “thinking of you”. Wife apologizes and I take her phone and text OM to never contact my wife or I will tell their employer about what is going on. We then start couples counseling. Wife tells counselor she wants to make our Marriage work.

Another two weeks later though, my wife gives me the ILYBNILWY line. I’m stunned. When I challenge her that she barely knows OM she says she's known him "101 days" like a teenager. I'm really concerned I'm losing her. But over the remainder of December, things are actually pretty good as we work on us. On New Year's Eve, we are at a party and Wife says she is thinking of OM. I lose it and tell her I'm done with the marriage.

The next day, Wife is sobbing and tells me she can't live without me, she wishes A never happened and she will quit her job if it means she keeps me. In late January 2017, we go out of town and one night Wife breaks down crying and says she can't get over OM. My heart is broken.

Once back home, Wife tells me she wants to separate so she can have time to think. I tell Wife we can do in-home separation on one condition: that she not contact OM. Wife refuses and I make her leave our home. Two days later Wife contacts OM and finds out he has been kicked out of his house by his wife and lives with his brother now. OM is interested in continuing the A. On February 12, I meet WW and she tells me she is choosing OM over me. Wife says she missed me at first but when she found out OM wasn't with his wife, the separation was easier. I kick Wife out of our house and immediately filed for D. I won't be plan b option.

Since then, I have gone no contact (I also gave up pursuing several weeks earlier). Wife comes by every Sunday to get clothes for work week and to talk about finances/divorce and while she is home she asks how my week has been, etc like nothing is wrong. I can't believe this is the same wife who would eagerly wait for me to come home every day just 6-8 months ago.

Wife wants to move where OM lives even though she has never been to that state, knows no one but OM there, has never lived outside our city, might lose her job and would be leaving all friends and family.

Wife's entire family is against her decision and has helped me through this. They think my Wife is lost and didn't give our M a chance. I did not ask for their help but they desperately want our M to work. Personal friends have called asking if she has a brain tumor because this is not the person they know. This A has almost zero chance of working and there is literally no one encouraging Wife to leave other than OM. Yet here we are. Everyone I tell is stunned that Wife would have an A. It was so out of character for her. She is so distant and uncaring now. We have been together over 9 years and it's like it meant nothing. For someone so obsessed with me, I can't believe our lack of communication doesn't bother her at some level.

Looking back, I can't believe I have put up with all this over the past 3 months. I foresee my Wife returning in the future but I don't know if I would even want her back. Filing for divorce did not snap her out of it. I have lost 20 lbs and am in the best shape I've been in 15 years. Anything else I should be doing? Any words of encouragement? I'd be lying if I said I don't miss her everyday still.


She is only 23? She was too young to be engaged and to get married. Not mature enough or ready to really settle down. She didn't realize this and when meeting this other married man, had the affair, made excuses, texting is ongoing and no real remorse. Then this other man gets kicked out by his wife, good for her, now living with his brother and your ex is with him!?

Wow. I feel for you.

You have a good head on your shoulders, mature and solid. She was the opposite.

Some women are messed up.

She is woman trash.

Kick her 100% out of your house. No clothes, no washing them, absolutely gone!!! Change your locks already.

I don't know how she can do this and talk to you like life is great and everything is okay.

Karma will get her bad for this and what goes around always comes around. She will get hers and when it happen, she will cry and run back to you, because you're a nice guy, stable, etc.

Strength and Honor. What we do in life echo's in eternity.
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post #216 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 03:50 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

No kids, dodged a bullet!

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post #217 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 06:38 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by CuddleBug View Post
She is only 23?
No, it was poorly worded and led to a slight derail. She is 32, they met when she was 23.
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post #218 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 07:39 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by CuddleBug View Post
She is only 23? She was too young to be engaged and to get married. Not mature enough or ready to really settle down. She didn't realize this and when meeting this other married man, had the affair, made excuses, texting is ongoing and no real remorse. Then this other man gets kicked out by his wife, good for her, now living with his brother and your ex is with him!?

Wow. I feel for you.

You have a good head on your shoulders, mature and solid. She was the opposite.

Some women are messed up.

She is woman trash.

Kick her 100% out of your house. No clothes, no washing them, absolutely gone!!! Change your locks already.

I don't know how she can do this and talk to you like life is great and everything is okay.

Karma will get her bad for this and what goes around always comes around. She will get hers and when it happen, she will cry and run back to you, because you're a nice guy, stable, etc.
She was 23 when we we first started dating. She is now 32. Sorry for the confusion. No problems in our marriage other than things were getting a little stale the last couple months while we worked and got my business going but we still enjoyed being with each other all the time we had. If that was the death knell of a marriage than most would not survive IMO. She has been out of the house for over a month. She is moving all her stuff out next Saturday and it is all boxed up. Divorce will be final in May. She is renting an apartment in our city for 6 months until she decides what she wants to do. She is considering moving to the other state where OM lives with his brother and sister-in-law apparently. My wife has basically withdrawn from everyone except her family because no one understands or approves of her decision. Her family doesn't approve of it but they obviously love her. Someone has obviously gotten to her to slow things down because she was gung-ho initially about moving to be with OM immediately. I've run into several of her personal friends and they can't believe how quickly she gave up on our marriage and how out of character all this is for her. I think she equates a healthy marriage with the same feelings she gets from being "in love". She has just now started telling some co-workers we are getting divorced. I'm sure there is spin on her version. She can't tell them she had an affair with a co-worker in another office they know.
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post #219 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 07:45 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

My guess is that she'll be back, maybe in a few weeks or months, and you'll have a big decision to make about whether you still want her or not.
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post #220 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 10:01 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

I would relish knowing I moved on with a far better woman and seeing her life spiral downward like everyone knows it's going to.

I would never go back to this disloyal person who will likely one day claim to be your friend.

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post #221 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 10:32 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by Clemson View Post
She was 23 when we we first started dating. She is now 32. Sorry for the confusion. No problems in our marriage other than things were getting a little stale the last couple months while we worked and got my business going but we still enjoyed being with each other all the time we had. If that was the death knell of a marriage than most would not survive IMO. She has been out of the house for over a month. She is moving all her stuff out next Saturday and it is all boxed up. Divorce will be final in May. She is renting an apartment in our city for 6 months until she decides what she wants to do. She is considering moving to the other state where OM lives with his brother and sister-in-law apparently. My wife has basically withdrawn from everyone except her family because no one understands or approves of her decision. Her family doesn't approve of it but they obviously love her. Someone has obviously gotten to her to slow things down because she was gung-ho initially about moving to be with OM immediately. I've run into several of her personal friends and they can't believe how quickly she gave up on our marriage and how out of character all this is for her. I think she equates a healthy marriage with the same feelings she gets from being "in love". She has just now started telling some co-workers we are getting divorced. I'm sure there is spin on her version. She can't tell them she had an affair with a co-worker in another office they know.

I hope, I know everything will work out for you and that you'll find a good mature woman with a solid head on her shoulders.

Karma will get her in the end....goes around comes around.

Strength and Honor. What we do in life echo's in eternity.
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post #222 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 10:33 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by Clemson View Post
She was 23 when we we first started dating. She is now 32. Sorry for the confusion. No problems in our marriage other than things were getting a little stale the last couple months while we worked and got my business going but we still enjoyed being with each other all the time we had. If that was the death knell of a marriage than most would not survive IMO. She has been out of the house for over a month. She is moving all her stuff out next Saturday and it is all boxed up. Divorce will be final in May. She is renting an apartment in our city for 6 months until she decides what she wants to do. She is considering moving to the other state where OM lives with his brother and sister-in-law apparently. My wife has basically withdrawn from everyone except her family because no one understands or approves of her decision. Her family doesn't approve of it but they obviously love her. Someone has obviously gotten to her to slow things down because she was gung-ho initially about moving to be with OM immediately. I've run into several of her personal friends and they can't believe how quickly she gave up on our marriage and how out of character all this is for her. I think she equates a healthy marriage with the same feelings she gets from being "in love". She has just now started telling some co-workers we are getting divorced. I'm sure there is spin on her version. She can't tell them she had an affair with a co-worker in another office they know.
The truth always comes out. When it does that's when the reality hits. However, if you're smart you'll be fully detached by then and it won't matter much.

It's best you eliminate everything that reminds you of her. Pics, mementos, etc. as you've found any involvement no matter how small just drags you back down.

You have no future there.
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post #223 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 11:29 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

Once I took down and stopped looking at any pictures of my ex wife--- I started getting better.
Let her memory die, Clemson.
I second the advice on removing anything that reminds you of her from your life, within reason.
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post #224 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 11:40 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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My guess is that she'll be back, maybe in a few weeks or months, and you'll have a big decision to make about whether you still want her or not.
No.

No she won't. There is a finality to the way this one is acting that indicates she is completely checked out. Best not to get Clemson's hopes up.
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post #225 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 11:57 PM
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Cool Re: Wife is choosing other man

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My guess is that she'll be back, maybe in a few weeks or months, and you'll have a big decision to make about whether you still want her or not.
I'd greatly have to say that isn't exactly what her actions are telling us!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

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