Wife is choosing other man - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #16 of 456 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 11:47 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
You have been given the most difficult for you to accept, and the most correct advice possible.

As a man who went through a similar situation and seen others firsthand, I can tell you this. What happened was totally out of your control. This happens sometimes even to "perfect" husbands. You sound like a far better husband than I.

The key to your healing, I have discovered, is acceptance.
You can get closer to acceptance by doing everything you can to move forward in your life without her. Start a new hobby, get a second job, start dating.
Get your mind off her. Fix it, as hard as it will be, so that she has zero contact with you. I know how impossibly hard it is, but seeing it talking to her, even for an instant, will set you. Ack days. No contact. Zero. Accept that she is gone. Once a woman falls out of love with you, it will never truly return.

I'm so sorry.
The good news is, regardless of how differently you feel right now, you- as a good, loyal man--- are a hot item, and it will be easier than you think to find a new woman who actually lives you.

Your wife is a low-character trollip.
Accept it and move on. Do NOT look back.
Thanks for the encouragement. Even my wife's sister told my wife that I am a good husband and will make some lucky woman very happy and she is making a mistake. Her other sister is devastated with this divorce and her husband won't talk to my wife anymore. My wife's dad emailed me last week that I am a good man and don't ever forget that. I really was a good husband. We were going to try to have kids in the next couple years and now that is dashed. I'm only 41 but most of my friends are in the young kid stage and don't have time to hang out. At times it has been lonely but I have really worked on bettering myself and my family has been very supportive although they do not live in the area. She is moving all her stuff out next week and then I won't have to see her anymore. The no contact has made it easier. At times I think about how great life was and how our dreams are no longer possible. I am going to start dating in the next couple weeks and I think once I meet someone I have any attraction to it will be helpful.

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post #17 of 456 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 11:48 AM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

For you and your future get all of her stuff out now. Don't allow the trickling back and forth.

The 180 or no contact works if you can abide by it. Cut out all the chit/chat engagement. All that does is drag you back down.

Only text or email business or divorced matters only. NEVER answer a phone call directly let it go to voicemail. Anything not divorce or business ignore. No response needed.

If you can't do this you'll just linger in limbo longer than necessary.

Join a gym start working out or walk jog. It'll keep you distracted and help clear your mind.

You didn't cause this so no guilt trips. It avails you nothing.

Sorry you're here

Last edited by Marc878; 03-05-2017 at 11:53 AM.
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post #18 of 456 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 11:50 AM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

Be carefull of rebound relationships. They can be very hurtfull and destructive.

You are too vulnerable to be dating at this time.
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post #19 of 456 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 11:51 AM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

I think the issue that's not being addressed here is that your wife was 23 when you met her, and frankly 23 and 32 a a very large difference at that point in life.

You'd lived your 20's, your wife had not. Forget about the "old soul" stuff, your wife wasn't ready to be married. I mean, were you at 23? Clearly not because you waited until you were in your 30's.

Your wife isn't marriage material right now. Might she be some day? Maybe, but at this point a lot of damage has been done by her infidelities, so maybe best for you to move on and find someone a little older that's ready to be married.
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post #20 of 456 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 11:59 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
I think the issue that's not being addressed here is that your wife was 23 when you met her, and frankly 23 and 32 a a very large difference at that point in life.

You'd lived your 20's, your wife had not. Forget about the "old soul" stuff, your wife wasn't ready to be married. I mean, were you at 23? Clearly not because you waited until you were in your 30's.

Your wife isn't marriage material right now. Might she be some day? Maybe, but at this point a lot of damage has been done by her infidelities, so maybe best for you to move on and find someone a little older that's ready to be married.
Fair point about our age difference. That was why we dated 3 years before we got married. So she was 26 when we got married. I wanted to make sure she was in this for real and it wasn't just a honeymoon phase. I know 23 was young but women have been getting married at that age (including my own mother) and younger for a long time. She had a family who strongly valued marriage and was a good girl. It all made me think that her age wasn't a major factor. Apparently I may have been wrong.
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post #21 of 456 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 12:06 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
I think the issue that's not being addressed here is that your wife was 23 when you met her, and frankly 23 and 32 a a very large difference at that point in life.

You'd lived your 20's, your wife had not. Forget about the "old soul" stuff, your wife wasn't ready to be married. I mean, were you at 23? Clearly not because you waited until you were in your 30's.

Your wife isn't marriage material right now. Might she be some day? Maybe, but at this point a lot of damage has been done by her infidelities, so maybe best for you to move on and find someone a little older that's ready to be married.
I totally 100% disagree with you. Always the mans fault lts. This is clearly from what has been described, a disloyal, ungrateful, low class woman.
She doesn't get a pass on cheating and abandonment just because she married young.
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post #22 of 456 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 12:09 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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She is living with her parents until a lease on an apartment starts next week.
Pack up all of her crap and dump it on her parents' lawn.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #23 of 456 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 12:10 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Fair point about our age difference. That was why we dated 3 years before we got married. I wanted to make sure she was in this for real and it wasn't just a honeymoon phase. I know 23 was young but women have been getting married at that age (including my own mother) and younger for a long time. She had a family who strongly valued marriage and was a good girl. It all made me think that her age wasn't a major factor. Apparently I may have been wrong.
That's true, that women had married younger.

But so had men, yet you waited. And marriage also used to be a business deal, so it's not a good comparison. Older men could buy a young wife, but she'd still have her eye on young men so she had to be watched.

It's good your waited several years, and maybe she thought she was ready. But when the reality of married life hit she wasn't.

Does "good girl" mean she has limited experience? If so there's part of your answer. She was probably shielded from a lot of stuff....but once she got into the workplace and was no longer shielded she couldn't handle herself.

That's what makes her not ready.

How much experience did you have and how much did she have? I'm guessing there's a big difference.

For the record, my hb is 19 years older (TAM regulars know that) so it's not like I have issues with age differences. But having been in this for almost 12 years I think the issue isn't so much age as differences in baggage.....and when one partner is in the early 20's that difference tends to be quite large and hard to deal with.
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post #24 of 456 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 12:24 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

The weekend visits need to stop. Tell her to arrange to get all her stuff out of the house at one time and be done with it. She is doing this because she wants to keep you attached and she's keeping her options open. She wants her new life, get her junk out and let her live it.

My crazy ex played the weekend pickup a few items each week game for a while, drove me nuts and created a pressure cooker of a situation watching my "old" life being slowly dismantled one box at a time. I finally just packed everything for her and told her to come get it. Then of course the stuff sat in the garage for months. The visits aren't about the items, it's keeping you attached.

Right now she is firmly entrenched in the magic wonderland of affairland. The more everyone tells her it's wrong the more it reinforce's the "against all odds", meant to be with Mr perfect. It's how they think and what they do convincing themselves. Leave her in affairland, cut your deal and divorce her quickly. It's the best move for you because once affairland turns into real life it's rarely a magical place, then the divorce gets harder and more costly.

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday
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post #25 of 456 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 12:25 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

I'm in no place to give you advice on your situation, but I will tell you this from my experience. Listen to the advice you're given about not being a backup or second choice. Cut out the contact with her unless it's absolutely required. If you don't, you'll end up where I am.....5+ years after the affair, 3 years post divorce, still caught up in the web of keeping contact with an XW who lives with her affair partner. Nothing good comes from that....I'm a poster child trying to move on now when I should have been long ago.

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post #26 of 456 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 12:27 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

Dude she chose another guy over you.

It's over. That's a fact.

What you do with that fact is up to you. I know what I'd do and it wouldn't be posting here asking questions that you already know the answers to.
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post #27 of 456 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 12:28 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by honcho View Post
The weekend visits need to stop. Tell her to arrange to get all her stuff out of the house at one time and be done with it. She is doing this because she wants to keep you attached and she's keeping her options open. She wants her new life, get her junk out and let her live it.

My crazy ex played the weekend pickup a few items each week game for a while, drove me nuts and created a pressure cooker of a situation watching my "old" life being slowly dismantled one box at a time. I finally just packed everything for her and told her to come get it. Then of course the stuff sat in the garage for months. The visits aren't about the items, it's keeping you attached.

Right now she is firmly entrenched in the magic wonderland of affairland. The more everyone tells her it's wrong the more it reinforce's the "against all odds", meant to be with Mr perfect. It's how they think and what they do convincing themselves. Leave her in affairland, cut your deal and divorce her quickly. It's the best move for you because once affairland turns into real life it's rarely a magical place, then the divorce gets harder and more costly.
Exactly correct.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #28 of 456 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 12:28 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

Acceptance, grief, anger, detachment, and in the end--- indifference.

Age difference when married? Don't let anyone put this on you.
You did your part as best you could. In the end, you found out she was NOT what you thought she was. Accept it and move forward. Trying to figure out why she did it is a complete waste of time, unless you like pain shopping.
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post #29 of 456 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 12:29 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
I totally 100% disagree with you. Always the mans fault lts. This is clearly from what has been described, a disloyal, ungrateful, low class woman.
She doesn't get a pass on cheating and abandonment just because she married young.
True. Many marry young and are ready to settle down. Age has nothing to do with it. She is co-dependent and might still be at 40. Co-dependency doesn't have age-restrictions.

Even if I don't get likes for it, I'm still going to say it.
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post #30 of 456 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 12:31 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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She is living with her parents until a lease on an apartment starts next week.
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Originally Posted by Clemson View Post
She is moving all her stuff out next week and then I won't have to see her anymore. The no contact has made it easier.
Pack up ALL her stuff and dump it off at her parents' home. Yes, you shouldn't have to, and yes it will hurt to do so, but it's like peeling the bandaid off quickly instead of slowly. Seeing it at your home, and having her come over regularly to get it piecemeal is keeping you stuck in pain.

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Originally Posted by Clemson View Post
Thanks Monk. You are not the first person to believe she is super codependent and is now obsessed with this new guy. At the very beginning I asked what the OM's flaws were and she said he has no negative flaws. I'm definitely seeing the same pattern. She is obsessing over a new person like she did with me at the beginning.
From what you describe, she seems to be the type of person driven more by emotion than by logic. She is held fast by limerence, new relationship hormones, whatever you like to call it, which she believes is love. She's now experienced it with the new guy, hasn't felt it for you in many years, and thinks that means this new relationship is meant to be. The type of person who is controlled by their hormones like that isn't a good long term relationship partner.

She may realize she made a mistake someday, and wish she had stayed with you, and probably even try to get back with you, especially if the new guy tires of her or things get tough or the limerence runs out. However she will always be the type of person who would give in to temptation when another new guy provides that limerence feeling again.

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Originally Posted by Clemson View Post
We were going to try to have kids in the next couple years and now that is dashed. I'm only 41 but most of my friends are in the young kid stage and don't have time to hang out. At times it has been lonely but I have really worked on bettering myself and my family has been very supportive although they do not live in the area. At times I think about how great life was and how our dreams are no longer possible.
You are mourning the loss of the future you had planned as well as the loss of the honourable woman you thought you had married, which turns out not to be a reality. It's going to take time to recover your equilibrium but you will remain a good man and potential husband and father.

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Originally Posted by Clemson View Post
I am going to start dating in the next couple weeks and I think once I meet someone I have any attraction to it will be helpful.
I would advise waiting a bit, unless you want to just play around and have one night stands. Actively dating will just end up hurting you, and whichever woman you pick. Get your head on straight as a single man before looking for new relationships. But brief encounters with similarly minded woman could do you a world of good, depending on the kind of guy you are.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
This is clearly from what has been described, a disloyal, ungrateful, low class woman.
She doesn't get a pass on cheating and abandonment just because she married young.
Nobody gets a pass on cheating. She may have hidden it well before, or maybe it never came up because opportunity never arose, but she has always been, and very likely always will be, the type of person who thinks of herself first, acts on her feelings without thinking of the repercussions, and puts her own sexual satisfaction ahead of her integrity and the happiness of the people around her.
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