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post #316 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 01:01 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by Clemson View Post
My question is how do you identify these types of people during the dating process? Maybe her total dedication and passion for me with disregard of everyone and everything else was my red flag. I was too inexperienced to have seen it or known the potential repercussions. I sense OM is the same type of person based on what I know about him and the texts I've seen.
I have reflected on this question with some diligence and have come to think that overall signs of maturity would be the single biggest indicator. I believe one of the most telling indicators about a persons maturity is contemplative thought especially in regards to finances. A large amount of debt would tend to indicate one who has difficulty denying themselves what they want. Try to ascertain their level of satiety with life in general.

Also pay attention to how they treat people. Do they seem able to acknowledge and understand how their interactions with other people affect them or do they show little to know concern for others.

In conversation do they focus on themselves obsessively as the point of the dialog or do they yearn for more information about other topics, including you. Listen closely to their sentence structure, are they actually saying what they mean to say to effectively convey their point or do they say "you know what I mean" too often expecting that you can "decipher" their intended message. Do they have opinions and viewpoints that they are able to defend with salient facts and figures not just hearsay and propaganda.

I know this is by no means all inclusive but it may give you food for thought as you enter the world of dating. I do know however, that the maturity level of society in general is declining rapidly so do be weary of that fact.


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post #317 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 01:42 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by NoChoice View Post
I have reflected on this question with some diligence and have come to think that overall signs of maturity would be the single biggest indicator. I believe one of the most telling indicators about a persons maturity is contemplative thought especially in regards to finances. A large amount of debt would tend to indicate one who has difficulty denying themselves what they want. Try to ascertain their level of satiety with life in general.

Also pay attention to how they treat people. Do they seem able to acknowledge and understand how their interactions with other people affect them or do they show little to know concern for others.

In conversation do they focus on themselves obsessively as the point of the dialog or do they yearn for more information about other topics, including you. Listen closely to their sentence structure, are they actually saying what they mean to say to effectively convey their point or do they say "you know what I mean" too often expecting that you can "decipher" their intended message. Do they have opinions and viewpoints that they are able to defend with salient facts and figures not just hearsay and propaganda.

I know this is by no means all inclusive but it may give you food for thought as you enter the world of dating. I do know however, that the maturity level of society in general is declining rapidly so do be weary of that fact.
I can't speak for Clemson, but the above descriptions hit eerily close to home. Would you please expand on your line of thinking ... you very much have my attention.
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post #318 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 02:00 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by TheTruthHurts View Post
the key thing is to become completely comfortable with yourself as an individual who can live alone without a relationship and still be happy and fulfilled.
If someone can be completely happy living alone without a relationship, then would they want to get involved with a relationship? I think that most of us do have a longing to have a partner. Without one, life can be good, but I'd argue that it wouldn't be "completely happy" for most people.

Last edited by Steve1000; 03-20-2017 at 02:01 PM. Reason: Changed a period to a question mark.
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post #319 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 05:01 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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If someone can be completely happy living alone without a relationship, then would they want to get involved with a relationship? I think that most of us do have a longing to have a partner. Without one, life can be good, but I'd argue that it wouldn't be "completely happy" for most people.


A longing is very different. That's your desire. I'm talking about your capability. Can you be happy as an independent person? Can you be happy, independent and still want a relationship? Absolutely!


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post #320 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 05:42 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by MyRevelation View Post
I can't speak for Clemson, but the above descriptions hit eerily close to home. Would you please expand on your line of thinking ... you very much have my attention.
I do not wish to threadjack but I do believe that this information would be relevant to the OP.

Adult relationships are very complex and involve an intricate network of thoughts, feelings, perceptions and responses. Due to this complexity, an immature individual is ill equipped to fully understand, act and react in a way that is productive and beneficial to the marriage. They are also incapable of handling their own emotions and feelings which further disadvantages their position.

Since their mind does not process information fully, or in some cases barely, their words, actions and interactions will paint a true picture of who they are. What may be superficially perceived as a person "acting cute" may, in reality, not be an act but rather an indication of their inability to handle or cope with a particular situation.

Likewise, displays of anger can be an indicator of a seriously underdeveloped intellect. In a truly mature individual there is rarely a need to display anger but in an immature person anger is quite often the first response to an adverse situation. Whereas a mature individual could communicate their concerns by presenting a reasoned argument, an immature person would become angry and storm off. Therefore, how a person handles their own emotions and feelings can be indicative as to their level of maturity.

When dating, there are usually behaviors displayed that will indicate a persons level of maturity such as the fiance in this thread becoming obsessed with the OP, unfortunately most times they are either overlooked in the infatuation of dating or taken as "cute" and therefore dismissed.

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post #321 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 11:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

Hey everyone. Quick update and a setback. My wife moved all her belongings out of the house last week. Now we are wrapping up the last of the financial issues. She keeps telling me she is entitled to half the furniture and I say I was entitled to not have a wife screw another guy but we don't always get what we want. I was removing my wife from our credit cards and noticed she has visited OM twice in the other state. Really angered me to know she was spending our money on dinners and hotels to bang this guy. My wife called and I yelled at her and called her every name in the book. First time I have melted down in anger since she admitted the affair 4 months ago. She started crying and I backed down. What a heartless b****. She used our frequent flyer miles to visit OM. She literally doesn't have any problem charging her escapades on our credit card. So disrespectful. Our divorce will be final the first week of May and she can't wait until then. I hate that I feel bad about yelling at her. I am doing really well except when I hear from her. I cannot wait to be rid of her. She doesn't understand why everyone won't just accept what is going on.
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post #322 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 12:08 AM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by Clemson View Post
Hey everyone. Quick update and a setback. My wife moved all her belongings out of the house last week. Now we are wrapping up the last of the financial issues. She keeps telling me she is entitled to half the furniture and I say I was entitled to not have a wife screw another guy but we don't always get what we want. I was removing my wife from our credit cards and noticed she has visited OM twice in the other state. Really angered me to know she was spending our money on dinners and hotels to bang this guy. My wife called and I yelled at her and called her every name in the book. First time I have melted down in anger since she admitted the affair 4 months ago. She started crying and I backed down. What a heartless b****. She used our frequent flyer miles to visit OM. She literally doesn't have any problem charging her escapades on our credit card. So disrespectful. Our divorce will be final the first week of May and she can't wait until then. I hate that I feel bad about yelling at her. I am doing really well except when I hear from her. I cannot wait to be rid of her. She doesn't understand why everyone won't just accept what is going on.
Is there a way you can make her pay for these charges out of her part of the settlement? You're an attorney, so you would know better than anyone.
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post #323 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 12:36 AM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by Wolfman1968 View Post
Is there a way you can make her pay for these charges out of her part of the settlement? You're an attorney, so you would know better than anyone.
Talk to your lawyer about this, save all the documentation.

While I personally believe that you should put on a stoneface then go punch a punching bag to let off steam, sometimes it's actually good to just go off. I went ballistic at my ex one night after I had a big too much to drink. I was just furious and he was literally shocked because it was so unlike me to fly off the handle. But I told him how I REALLY felt. After that, things were different. He no longer talked to me like I was this buddy or understanding, best friend helping him to get ready for divorce. I was an angry woman tired of his crud. At least he stayed away so I could get on with things!

Don't be hard on yourself. She deserved it all. You're upset because it's not something you wanted to resort to. Now maybe you can get down to serious business since you kicked her off of her unicorn.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #324 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 01:32 AM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by NoChoice View Post
I have reflected on this question with some diligence and have come to think that overall signs of maturity would be the single biggest indicator. I believe one of the most telling indicators about a persons maturity is contemplative thought especially in regards to finances. A large amount of debt would tend to indicate one who has difficulty denying themselves what they want. Try to ascertain their level of satiety with life in general.

Also pay attention to how they treat people. Do they seem able to acknowledge and understand how their interactions with other people affect them or do they show little to know concern for others.

In conversation do they focus on themselves obsessively as the point of the dialog or do they yearn for more information about other topics, including you. Listen closely to their sentence structure, are they actually saying what they mean to say to effectively convey their point or do they say "you know what I mean" too often expecting that you can "decipher" their intended message. Do they have opinions and viewpoints that they are able to defend with salient facts and figures not just hearsay and propaganda.

I know this is by no means all inclusive but it may give you food for thought as you enter the world of dating. I do know however, that the maturity level of society in general is declining rapidly so do be weary of that fact.
All of this is great. I would like to add I think it is terribly important that you OP have hard strong boundaries. You need to stick to them. I think lots of people of poor character are always testing these to see if you are the type of person who will accept their abuse. If you show that you have absolutely no quarter you will end up chasing the bad ones off. The good ones will be attracted to that though. Character and strength attracts the same.

I think by the time it gets to the affair with a lot of these situations there have been many instances of boundary pushing. Things happening that lots of people would have already said HELL NO to. This is why you see so many people staying and even trying to R after the most brutal and horrible disrespect has happened to them. The accepting and staying just continues the pattern of abuse. The BS was already passive and codependent, they don't have the capacity to change and say enough at least not without a lot of work. The cheating is just the next phase in that dynamic. In a sense it was almost per-destend because the WS chose to be with the type of person who they knew would let them get away with it. I think that is also why the WS can do such horrible things and have the lack of shame to act like if they just apologies all will be well again. In many cases they are absolutely right and they knew all along they were going to get away with it. No one can convince me that these types of abusive people don't deliberately look for people who will put up with their ****. I say all that to say if you don't put up with the little crap they try to pull they will not stick along long enough for you won't have to suffer the indignity of the bigger crap.

Another thing, from your first description it sounds like you were your wife's whole world. Now this guy is. You need to look for someone who is much more well rounded then that. It's really not normal. Again this goes back to boundaries and such. Something is wrong if a person can immerse themselves completely in another person to the point where they shut everyone and everything else out. That is not a healthy person and that makes them emotionally dangerous.

Finally start reading up on this stuff. Like anything else the more knowledge you have the better chance to make a good choice.

Last edited by sokillme; 03-27-2017 at 01:58 AM.
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post #325 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 01:39 AM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by Clemson View Post
Hey everyone. Quick update and a setback. My wife moved all her belongings out of the house last week. Now we are wrapping up the last of the financial issues. She keeps telling me she is entitled to half the furniture and I say I was entitled to not have a wife screw another guy but we don't always get what we want. I was removing my wife from our credit cards and noticed she has visited OM twice in the other state. Really angered me to know she was spending our money on dinners and hotels to bang this guy. My wife called and I yelled at her and called her every name in the book. First time I have melted down in anger since she admitted the affair 4 months ago. She started crying and I backed down. What a heartless b****. She used our frequent flyer miles to visit OM. She literally doesn't have any problem charging her escapades on our credit card. So disrespectful. Our divorce will be final the first week of May and she can't wait until then. I hate that I feel bad about yelling at her. I am doing really well except when I hear from her. I cannot wait to be rid of her. She doesn't understand why everyone won't just accept what is going on.
I think it's very possible she has a personality disorder, or a very low IQ. She shows no long term decision making ability. She is almost child like. Not normal at all. Just a little while longer, it will all be over soon.


Last edited by sokillme; 03-27-2017 at 01:45 AM.
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post #326 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 06:09 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
All of this is great. I would like to add I think it is terribly important that you OP have hard strong boundaries. You need to stick to them. I think lots of people of poor character are always testing these to see if you are the type of person who will accept their abuse. If you show that you have absolutely no quarter you will end up chasing the bad ones off. The good ones will be attracted to that though. Character and strength attracts the same.

I think by the time it gets to the affair with a lot of these situations there have been many instances of boundary pushing. Things happening that lots of people would have already said HELL NO to. This is why you see so many people staying and even trying to R after the most brutal and horrible disrespect has happened to them. The accepting and staying just continues the pattern of abuse. The BS was already passive and codependent, they don't have the capacity to change and say enough at least not without a lot of work. The cheating is just the next phase in that dynamic. In a sense it was almost per-destend because the WS chose to be with the type of person who they knew would let them get away with it. I think that is also why the WS can do such horrible things and have the lack of shame to act like if they just apologies all will be well again. In many cases they are absolutely right and they knew all along they were going to get away with it. No one can convince me that these types of abusive people don't deliberately look for people who will put up with their ****. I say all that to say if you don't put up with the little crap they try to pull they will not stick along long enough for you won't have to suffer the indignity of the bigger crap.

Another thing, from your first description it sounds like you were your wife's whole world. Now this guy is. You need to look for someone who is much more well rounded then that. It's really not normal. Again this goes back to boundaries and such. Something is wrong if a person can immerse themselves completely in another person to the point where they shut everyone and everything else out. That is not a healthy person and that makes them emotionally dangerous.

Finally start reading up on this stuff. Like anything else the more knowledge you have the better chance to make a good choice.
Good points. In my case, I always had firm boundaries. I was the more dominant one in our relationship and one of the problems in our marriage was my wife apparently assumed I wouldn't like or approve of many things (though she never asked and I wouldn't have cared). My wife was actually surprised I didn't throw her out of the house after she disclosed the A. That was my first lack of boundaries.

Your last point is spot on. It is clear my wife moves from obsession to obsession. Her whole life is now OM. Her family won't hear from her for days. She has told her family she is moving to OM's state in August. It is not healthy that her focus is the man she is with. I enjoyed it at he beginning and just thought she really loved me. Now I see it as a major flaw. She only had the one boyfriend before me so I didn't see a pattern. Now I look back and see she cut that guy out ruthlessly after focusing on him for years. Same thing happened to me. It will happen again.
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post #327 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 06:27 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by Satya View Post
Talk to your lawyer about this, save all the documentation.

While I personally believe that you should put on a stoneface then go punch a punching bag to let off steam, sometimes it's actually good to just go off. I went ballistic at my ex one night after I had a big too much to drink. I was just furious and he was literally shocked because it was so unlike me to fly off the handle. But I told him how I REALLY felt. After that, things were different. He no longer talked to me like I was this buddy or understanding, best friend helping him to get ready for divorce. I was an angry woman tired of his crud. At least he stayed away so I could get on with things!

Don't be hard on yourself. She deserved it all. You're upset because it's not something you wanted to resort to. Now maybe you can get down to serious business since you kicked her off of her unicorn.
I'll say it felt very good to let loose with my true feelings finally. I had planned to wait to give her my angry thoughts until after the divorce is final. I just lost it though when I see she's been on 2 vacations with the guy in the 5 weeks since I filed divorce. She is head over heels for OM. She is getting a separate credit card so I don't have to see what she is up to. Only negative was that I had a hard time sleeping last night because the whole incident stirred up anger and old emotions of her being with the OM again and having sex with him.

Last edited by Clemson; 03-27-2017 at 06:53 AM.
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post #328 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 06:31 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

[QUOTE=sokillme;17599905]I think it's very possible she has a personality disorder, or a very low IQ. She shows no long term decision making ability. She is almost child like. Not normal at all. Just a little while longer, it will all be over soon.[/QUOTE

Something is going on. She is 32 and acts like she is 15 all the sudden. She isn't thinking long term. As my good friend said, I am fun, nice, good-looking, financially successful and own my own business. Yet my wife is chasing a guy with 3 little kids, who is married, makes less money than her and who lives in a state that will prevent her from seeing her family. It makes no rational sense.
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post #329 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 07:02 AM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by Clemson View Post
Hey everyone. Quick update and a setback. My wife moved all her belongings out of the house last week. Now we are wrapping up the last of the financial issues. She keeps telling me she is entitled to half the furniture and I say I was entitled to not have a wife screw another guy but we don't always get what we want. I was removing my wife from our credit cards and noticed she has visited OM twice in the other state. Really angered me to know she was spending our money on dinners and hotels to bang this guy. My wife called and I yelled at her and called her every name in the book. First time I have melted down in anger since she admitted the affair 4 months ago. She started crying and I backed down. What a heartless b****. She used our frequent flyer miles to visit OM. She literally doesn't have any problem charging her escapades on our credit card. So disrespectful. Our divorce will be final the first week of May and she can't wait until then. I hate that I feel bad about yelling at her. I am doing really well except when I hear from her. I cannot wait to be rid of her. She doesn't understand why everyone won't just accept what is going on.
This is why we always advise the betrayed to IMMEDIATELY separate the finances. Even if you think you may R, until you're sure that the wayward is a safe partner, you have to assume that they will clean you out.

If you were see how common it is for a WW to use family money to buy gifts for, and spend money on hotels, restaurants, ETC you would've protected yourself. The OM usually being of a lower socioeconomic level, the WW starts being generous with her BH's money. Basically whoring on your dime. Doesn't even come to their mind that they're also betraying their own kids. Just pure selfishness.

Let her destroy herself. Just protect yourself and the kids. Concentrate on rebuilding yourself. You'll bounce back from this.

BTW: have you exposed POS to his BW. If not, do so TODAY. It's funny how quickly they throw the OW under the bus when facing their BW's wrath.

I've read 1000s of threads like this. Just take solace that it doesn't end well for your STBXW. She thinks she's going to steal POS from his wife. It RARELY happens. Most likely, she'll be strung along for a few years as this guy's side piece until she wakes up and realizes she's destroyed herself and has nothing but a bad reputation to show for it. That's why these online dating sites are littered with former adulterous divorcees with kids.
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post #330 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 05:53 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

[quote=Clemson;17600385]
Quote:
Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
I think it's very possible she has a personality disorder, or a very low IQ. She shows no long term decision making ability. She is almost child like. Not normal at all. Just a little while longer, it will all be over soon.[/QUOTE

Something is going on. She is 32 and acts like she is 15 all the sudden. She isn't thinking long term. As my good friend said, I am fun, nice, good-looking, financially successful and own my own business. Yet my wife is chasing a guy with 3 little kids, who is married, makes less money than her and who lives in a state that will prevent her from seeing her family. It makes no rational sense.
Who said cheaters are rational, logical thinkers???????? Not me.
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