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post #31 of 505 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 12:33 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
I totally 100% disagree with you. Always the mans fault lts. This is clearly from what has been described, a disloyal, ungrateful, low class woman.
She doesn't get a pass on cheating and abandonment just because she married young.
You're entitled to your opinion.

But I'd ask that you stop projecting, nowhere did I say it's his fault.

I said that at 32 years old he found a 23 year old who wasn't ready to be married. I also said very clearly that her choices have done a lot of damage.

You think maturity doesn't factor into this? No problem.....find yourself a 20 year old with limited life experience and see how that works out for you.

One needs to examine their picker after a relationship fails. How's your picker these days?

Please do not turn this into a gender war.

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post #32 of 505 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 12:43 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

@Clemson, you just need to watch out for co-dependency and such emotional hang-ups. You can get yourself another 26 year old and it could work. Majority of affairs in my country happen in the 40s. So, so much for maturity. Age is not always wisdom. You need to work on yourself. That's the main thing that will help you be better able to weed out the unsuitable ones. You were just nine years older than her. That is not that unusual.

Keep on doing what you are doing. It sounds like you are headed in the right direction.

Even if I don't get likes for it, I'm still going to say it.
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post #33 of 505 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 01:00 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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@Clemson, you just need to watch out for co-dependency and such emotional hang-ups. You can get yourself another 26 year old and it could work. Majority of affairs in my country happen in the 40s. So, so much for maturity. Age is not always wisdom. You need to work on yourself. That's the main thing that will help you be better able to weed out the unsuitable ones. You were just nine years older than her. That is not that unusual.

Keep on doing what you are doing. It sounds like you are headed in the right direction.
So you think that an established 35 year old is the same risk as a sheltered 18 year old?

Serious question.

I don't. Sure people can cheat at any age, but if age isn't a factor why is the divorce rate so much higher for those under 25?
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post #34 of 505 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 01:01 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

Honestly, it sounds like your wife is in perpetual teenager mode. She fawned over you when you dated, then as soon as the newness wore off and reality set in, she found someone new for her admiration. Reality will come crushing down on her eventually, but you will have moved on by then anyway. You are on the right track. D as soon as possible and move on. I don't see where you have kids, so there's nothing holding you back.

Pack up whatever remains of her clothes and tell her to come get them. Then go completely NC and tell her to not come back again. This is for good and there is no coming back. Get the D finalized and move on.

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post #35 of 505 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 01:01 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

Do you live in Clemson?

I went to college there - a long time ago.
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post #36 of 505 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 01:04 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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That's true, that women had married younger.

But so had men, yet you waited. And marriage also used to be a business deal, so it's not a good comparison. Older men could buy a young wife, but she'd still have her eye on young men so she had to be watched.

It's good your waited several years, and maybe she thought she was ready. But when the reality of married life hit she wasn't.

Does "good girl" mean she has limited experience? If so there's part of your answer. She was probably shielded from a lot of stuff....but once she got into the workplace and was no longer shielded she couldn't handle herself.

That's what makes her not ready.

How much experience did you have and how much did she have? I'm guessing there's a big difference.

For the record, my hb is 19 years older (TAM regulars know that) so it's not like I have issues with age differences. But having been in this for almost 12 years I think the issue isn't so much age as differences in baggage.....and when one partner is in the early 20's that difference tends to be quite large and hard to deal with.
I definitely had more experience than her. I was only the 2nd guy she ever went on more than 1 date with. Even on high school she was rather unpopular and awkward. She became gorgeous in college. By good girl, I mean very sweet, loving and loyal. When we went out to bars and things she never flirted with anyone and she never wanted to go out with her friends unless I came. When she did go out without me, she couldn't wait to come back home. All our friends are in shock since they didn't see any indication she would cheat. The age thing makes sense except we've been together 9 years and only. Why when she is 32 is it suddenly a problem? She has worked for the same company the last 7 years.

Last edited by Clemson; 03-05-2017 at 01:27 PM.
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post #37 of 505 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 01:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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The weekend visits need to stop. Tell her to arrange to get all her stuff out of the house at one time and be done with it. She is doing this because she wants to keep you attached and she's keeping her options open. She wants her new life, get her junk out and let her live it.

My crazy ex played the weekend pickup a few items each week game for a while, drove me nuts and created a pressure cooker of a situation watching my "old" life being slowly dismantled one box at a time. I finally just packed everything for her and told her to come get it. Then of course the stuff sat in the garage for months. The visits aren't about the items, it's keeping you attached.

Right now she is firmly entrenched in the magic wonderland of affairland. The more everyone tells her it's wrong the more it reinforce's the "against all odds", meant to be with Mr perfect. It's how they think and what they do convincing themselves. Leave her in affairland, cut your deal and divorce her quickly. It's the best move for you because once affairland turns into real life it's rarely a magical place, then the divorce gets harder and more costly.
Lots of good thoughts here. My mom always keeps questioning why she needs to come by the house to get clothes for the week and doesn't just get them all. The next time she comes will be the last. She is picking up all her clothes plus furniture to furnish her new 1 bed apartment. I am keeping the house. I am trying to get this divorce wrapped up while she is in la la land and she is agreeable. Part of the reason I haven't just boxed all her crap and thrown it in the yard or something. Right now my financial split in the divorce is advantageous for me because we added a clause that I can't tattle to her employer about her and OM which would probably get them fired.
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post #38 of 505 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 01:14 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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I definitely had more experience than her. I was only the 2nd guy she ever went on more than 1 date with. Even on high school she was rather unpopular and awkward. She became gorgeous in college. By good girl, I mean very sweet, loving and loyal. When we went out to bars and things she never flirted with anyone and she never wanted to go out with her friends unless I came. When she did go out without me, she couldn't wait to come back home. All our friends are in shock since they didn't see any indication she would cheat. The age thing makes sense except we've been together 9 years and only. Ow when she is 32 it is a problem? She has worked for the same company the last 7 years.
I don't think it is age alone. Seems to me that she traveled on her own with no one she knew around and let herself get out of "good girl" zone since their was no one there to see. Then it got out of hand. This probably would have happened anyway and is more of an indication of her broken character than something related to age.

Count yourself lucky that this happened before any kids came along.
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post #39 of 505 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 01:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Dude she chose another guy over you.

It's over. That's a fact.

What you do with that fact is up to you. I know what I'd do and it wouldn't be posting here asking questions that you already know the answers to.
I hear you. I'm just grieving. I know my marriage and wife I loved are dead. Anyone who knows me would not have believed I lasted this long. In fact, when my wife told her sister she was disclosing the A to me, her sister said I'd throw her out of the house and she could stay there. I don't think anyone knows how they would react until it happens to them. I appreciate the tough love comments though. My dad just isn't strong enough guy to give me these kinds of pep talks.
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post #40 of 505 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 01:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Do you live in Clemson?

I went to college there - a long time ago.
Went to Clemson in mid 90's but now live in the Midwest.

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post #41 of 505 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 01:27 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Went to Clemson in mid 90's but now live in the Midwest.
Class of 72
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post #42 of 505 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 01:29 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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I found this board and thought I would start a thread to see if I can get thoughts from others. My Wife is probably too far gone.

Little background on marriage. My Wife and I had a great Marriage and wonderful life. We met when she was 23 and I was 32. Wife is an old soul who likes to sew and cook and comes from a great family where church and family are the focus. She was a late bloomer and really didn't become attractive until college. She is the youngest of 3 daughters. Wife was sweet, loving, loyal and very attractive - perfect wife material. Wife and I were married in 2010 after dating for 3 years. Wife dated one guy all through college before breaking up with him and then meeting me. From the beginning, she was obsessed with me and would not even go out with her friends unless I came too.

We spent all our time together and genuinely loved being with each other. Without a doubt, we were each other’s best friends. Wife was definitely co-dependent on me and I was with her to some extent. I am an attorney and Wife works in insurance and we have no kids so we traveled extensively and generally lived a fun life. My wife complained about very little and never voiced any problems in our marriage. Wife always seemed happy and we almost never fought.

In April 2016, I started a new law firm which began taking up a lot of my time. Wife also started a new job that required her to travel. We seemed to be acclimating fine to this different/stressful time in our lives. I was working particularly long hours in September and October.

In November 2016, I come home from work to find Wife crying on our couch. Wife says she met a male co-worker and they had an affair during 3 week-long business trips (which happened during the period of my birthday and our anniversary). Apparently they really connected and had great passion. Wife says she was lonely and didn't know she was unhappy until she met OM. OM is 35 years old and married with three small children and lives in another state 1000 miles away. I was devastated and never suspected A. Wife tells me she loves me and chooses me over the OM. Wife has deep feelings for OM. Wife sends a no contact text to OM the next day and shows it to me. Wife seemed genuinely remorseful. Wife's two sisters tell me they too had no idea she was in trouble despite talking to her almost everyday. Her entire family is saddened by Wife's actions.

Two weeks later we are boarding a plane for a previously scheduled trip. I look over and see Wife texting OM and I almost have a panic attack. OM has told his wife of the affair but can’t stop thinking of my wife. My wife says OM reached out to her the night before and said “thinking of you”. Wife apologizes and I take her phone and text OM to never contact my wife or I will tell their employer about what is going on. We then start couples counseling. Wife tells counselor she wants to make our Marriage work.

Another two weeks later though, my wife gives me the ILYBNILWY line. I’m stunned. When I challenge her that she barely knows OM she says she's known him "101 days" like a teenager. I'm really concerned I'm losing her. But over the remainder of December, things are actually pretty good as we work on us. On New Year's Eve, we are at a party and Wife says she is thinking of OM. I lose it and tell her I'm done with the marriage.

The next day, Wife is sobbing and tells me she can't live without me, she wishes A never happened and she will quit her job if it means she keeps me. In late January 2017, we go out of town and one night Wife breaks down crying and says she can't get over OM. My heart is broken.

Once back home, Wife tells me she wants to separate so she can have time to think. I tell Wife we can do in-home separation on one condition: that she not contact OM. Wife refuses and I make her leave our home. Two days later Wife contacts OM and finds out he has been kicked out of his house by his wife and lives with his brother now. OM is interested in continuing the A. On February 12, I meet WW and she tells me she is choosing OM over me. Wife says she missed me at first but when she found out OM wasn't with his wife, the separation was easier. I kick Wife out of our house and immediately filed for D. I won't be plan b option.

Since then, I have gone no contact (I also gave up pursuing several weeks earlier). Wife comes by every Sunday to get clothes for work week and to talk about finances/divorce and while she is home she asks how my week has been, etc like nothing is wrong. I can't believe this is the same wife who would eagerly wait for me to come home every day just 6-8 months ago.

Wife wants to move where OM lives even though she has never been to that state, knows no one but OM there, has never lived outside our city, might lose her job and would be leaving all friends and family.

Wife's entire family is against her decision and has helped me through this. They think my Wife is lost and didn't give our M a chance. I did not ask for their help but they desperately want our M to work. Personal friends have called asking if she has a brain tumor because this is not the person they know. This A has almost zero chance of working and there is literally no one encouraging Wife to leave other than OM. Yet here we are. Everyone I tell is stunned that Wife would have an A. It was so out of character for her. She is so distant and uncaring now. We have been together over 9 years and it's like it meant nothing. For someone so obsessed with me, I can't believe our lack of communication doesn't bother her at some level.

Looking back, I can't believe I have put up with all this over the past 3 months. I foresee my Wife returning in the future but I don't know if I would even want her back. Filing for divorce did not snap her out of it. I have lost 20 lbs and am in the best shape I've been in 15 years. Anything else I should be doing? Any words of encouragement? I'd be lying if I said I don't miss her everyday still.
Move on sadly you picked a lemon. She will learn the hard way. You are a lawyer probably make good money sounds like you are still young. There is better out there. Try to use her desire to be with the other man to get the best deal for yourself. See her for what he is not what you thought she was. She may even be bipolar, but you can't fix it. Be happy it happened when you were still in your prime.
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post #43 of 505 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 01:30 PM
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Wife is choosing other man

It took me a couple years to grieve my marriage, wife and future. And we're still together with no infidelity. For me it was a cancer diagnosis so I had to grieve my losses. At this point... I am indifferent to life. I am happier than during the grieving but a lot of the spark in life is gone. Maybe it's just reality that we don't have a future - only a present and MAYBE that will extend for a period of time. Sounds bad but it's not. Just kind of flat. Ha ha lost my point - yeah you can let go too. Mourn your losses. You'll get to acceptance.


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post #44 of 505 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 01:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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@Clemson, you just need to watch out for co-dependency and such emotional hang-ups. You can get yourself another 26 year old and it could work. Majority of affairs in my country happen in the 40s. So, so much for maturity. Age is not always wisdom. You need to work on yourself. That's the main thing that will help you be better able to weed out the unsuitable ones. You were just nine years older than her. That is not that unusual.

Keep on doing what you are doing. It sounds like you are headed in the right direction.
Good thoughts. My D should become final by April or May. I am leary of dating before the D is final for a couple reasons. I don't want my wife getting pissed off and then challenging our agreed financial split. Right now we are doing this without lawyers (I don't do divorce law). Plus I don't want any serious relationship until I am truly single since that is a bad foundation I think. I am open to brief encounters with women and think that might be better at this time. I'm a pretty fun and good dude and women like me. People are already trying to set me up with attractive women. I've just been out of the dating game for a while and my wife really ticked every box I had for a wife plus our history.. My confidence has not been hurt by all this surprisingly. I'm just depressed at times about lost dreams and future. really appreciate everyone's thoughts. I am glad we didn't have kids. We had planned to start IVF in January so I dodged a bullet.
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post #45 of 505 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 01:44 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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I definitely had more experience than her. I was only the 2nd guy she ever went on more than 1 date with. Even on high school she was rather unpopular and awkward. She became gorgeous in college. By good girl, I mean very sweet, loving and loyal. When we went out to bars and things she never flirted with anyone and she never wanted to go out with her friends unless I came. When she did go out without me, she couldn't wait to come back home. All our friends are in shock since they didn't see any indication she would cheat. The age thing makes sense except we've been together 9 years and only. Why when she is 32 is it suddenly a problem? She has worked for the same company the last 7 years.
I'm sorry, I totally missed the part where she's now 32. That does change things a bit.....the lack of experience is probably still an issue but the fact that she's doing this at 32 suggests she really isn't marriage material.

At least not for you. She didn't get much attention before you and spent most of her 20's with you....she's now thinking about what she missed. We see this with guys who married with limited experience too.....they get 15 years in and start wondering what they missed.

But the fact that she acted on it says she's not wife material.

Are you sure this isn't just the first time you know about?
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