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post #496 of 506 (permalink) Old 05-08-2017, 09:05 AM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by azteca1986 View Post
Nah. That sounds unhealthy; to have someone be in a state of fear of losing you. Isn't that co-dependent thinking, btw?

Complacency is a marriage killer, as is taking each other for granted, but dread game isn't the answer.
I agree.

I think what Turnera means however is being a man with options.

Be someone that your spouse knows will be wanted by the opposite sex.

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post #497 of 506 (permalink) Old 05-08-2017, 09:07 AM
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Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by azteca1986 View Post
Nah. That sounds unhealthy; to have someone be in a state of fear of losing you. Isn't that co-dependent thinking, btw?



Complacency is a marriage killer, as is taking each other for granted, but dread game isn't the answer.


I think one can be vigilant about mate guarding without being worried. I'd say that describes my W and I even with 30+ years together. It means we ask and tell about any OS contacts and, if anything we are suspect of others rather than lacking trust for our partners. But since we are aware of the "outside world" it does ensure that we never stop trying to meet each other's needs.


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post #498 of 506 (permalink) Old 05-08-2017, 09:20 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by azteca1986 View Post
Nah. That sounds unhealthy; to have someone be in a state of fear of losing you. Isn't that co-dependent thinking, btw?

Complacency is a marriage killer, as is taking each other for granted, but dread game isn't the answer.
Oh come on, you know I don't mean codependency and day-to-day fear. I mean respect for your partner and fear that you might fall INTO complacency and no longer deserve her.
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post #499 of 506 (permalink) Old 05-08-2017, 09:45 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Read Athol Kay's book 'Married man's sex primer' She was bored...


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They used to call that immature.
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post #500 of 506 (permalink) Old 05-08-2017, 10:15 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

Here is the deal you should never be dependent on anyone for your complete happiness or better yet contentment. Let them add to it but don't be dependent on them. That is the lesson. You are responsible for you. That gives you options and makes you strong and confident. It enables you to be authentic because you can say yes and no without fear. Authentic confident people are attractive.

Reading these threads you can pretty much tell the codependent ones from how many replies they have in their posts about being cheated on. If it is a very long thread inevitably the person who started it is very codependent. This is not a coincidence. That's not to say they are in anyway responsible for the cheating their spouse did but it is to say this is a pattern and seems to be a magnetism that draws the two types of people together. (In this case though I don't think this is you OP, but I DO think you missed the signs with your ex who is very shallow and needy. The only thing that holds relationships together when it's hard is character, both partners need to have it, she didn't.)

Continuing on the theory of your ex it's very unfair and unhealthy to expect someone to bring you life long contentment. The only person who deserves that responsibility is you to yourself. In this case this is what your wife expected of you. She was the one who was not authentic. She was the one who was codependent. Because of that when you got busy with life doing what normal people do (growing a business), instead of having the character to deal or even just say, hey I need more from you, she just moved on to the next person who temporally made her feel whole.

Finally all that said, some people are just not meant to be in long term relationships and some long term relationships are not meant to last. Again not being dependent enables you to be in a much stronger position if they don't work out. It's OK for things to end. Life will go on, you will be happy again. That's life.
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post #501 of 506 (permalink) Old 05-09-2017, 05:43 AM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Oh come on, you know I don't mean codependency and day-to-day fear. I mean respect for your partner and fear that you might fall INTO complacency and no longer deserve her.
Oh turnera! You were doing reasonably well till you threw her on top of a pedestal at the end there

I hope Clemson is doing okay under the circumstances and I hope he's not dwelling on this period:
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Even when I was busy with work for just two months, I saw my wife every night and came home for dinner. I had just started a new business. If I can't be away from her for that little time then how committed was she?
I also started my own business and I can remember the stress, the long hours, being way out of my comfort zone, putting my professional reputation very publicly on the line. I've no doubt had that carried on for a prolonged period of time, it would have taken a physical toll on me. So it's no surprise you and I would have been distracted at such a time. You should have been able to lean on your spouse. After all, you weren't going through this for your own amusement, but mutual gain.

In short, don't let her blame you for her own shortcomings.
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post #502 of 506 (permalink) Old 05-09-2017, 11:55 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by ButtPunch View Post
I agree.

I think what Turnera means however is being a man with options.

Be someone that your spouse knows will be wanted by the opposite sex.
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Originally Posted by azteca1986 View Post
Oh turnera! You were doing reasonably well till you threw her on top of a pedestal at the end there
Nonsense. I'd say the same thing - and HAVE said the same thing - to people of the opposite sex.

This has nothing to do with keeping a woman on a pedestal. It has everything to do with RESPECTING your spouse and knowing that if you don't do the hard work to keep your marriage vibrant and healthy and desirable, you are leaving room for an interloper to step inside.

And trust me, your 'interloper' can be anything from another human to collecting guns to becoming addicted to Fox News to wanting to play games instead of hanging out with your spouse.
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post #503 of 506 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 10:58 AM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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One great thing is that every woman I know thinks of me as the innocent victim in all this so I have major appeal for them to recommend me to their single friends.
Play that injured puppy thing to the max. It brings out the motherly instinct in women.
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post #504 of 506 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 03:08 AM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by turnera View Post
Nonsense. I'd say the same thing - and HAVE said the same thing - to people of the opposite sex.

This has nothing to do with keeping a woman on a pedestal. It has everything to do with RESPECTING your spouse and knowing that if you don't do the hard work to keep your marriage vibrant and healthy and desirable, you are leaving room for an interloper to step inside.

And trust me, your 'interloper' can be anything from another human to collecting guns to becoming addicted to Fox News to wanting to play games instead of hanging out with your spouse.
Oh I agree with what you're saying now. It's what you said earlier I disagreed with. You said the people should aspire to be deserving. You're setting people up for failure if they're trying to hit a constantly moving target that only exists in somebody else's head.
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post #505 of 506 (permalink) Old 05-21-2017, 03:46 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

You are mistaking what I said. When I say deserving, I mean that you should strive to be the best person you can - someone who people admire and respect and want to be around, so that they also give YOU their best face forward, don't take you for granted, because, well, you're worth being around. Like the guy who comes home from work and plants his butt on the couch and never gets up the rest of the night - why should his wife care if she pleases him? He's sure as hell not making HER life better aside from financially.

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post #506 of 506 (permalink) Old Yesterday, 12:24 AM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

Clemson,

Is your XW still around or has she moved on? Have you had any contact since the D?
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