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post #46 of 320 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 01:52 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by Clemson View Post
We were going to try to have kids in the next couple years and now that is dashed. I'm only 41 but most of my friends are in the young kid stage and don't have time to hang out.
Get down on your knees and thank God that didn't happen before you discovered you wives character. The remainder of your ex-wife's life is going to be very hard and unstable. She is broken. Your kids will not have to suffer through that. 41 is a young man in his prime, and being a lawyer with your own practice you are going to meet very many women interested in you.

My two cents, work on being more assertive. The first time your wife told you about having and affair you should have been done. She should have known already that there is no wiggle room to test another guy out. One whiff and and you should be gone. Scorched earth. It should be, if she doesn't know she is not paying attention. Your spouse should be scared as hell to even think about cheating. They should not be thinking well my husband is a nice guy he will get over it if the guy doesn't end up being better. They should be thinking my life will absolutely be in ruins if I do this. My spouse is not the safe person to disrespect. They still may cheat but it will be a lot harder to start knowing that you will be out on your ass same day. Even if they do cheat that reaction to it will make you better off.

What I find from reading on here and other places is too many men are way to lax about this stuff. They think of their wives like children, whom the can discipline and move on. The wives behave like spoiled children and push boundaries constantly, eventually cheating. Don't have boundaries I have bright flashing lines that crossing means immediate death of the marriage. Only accept mature behavior from an adult relationship. If they act like kids dump them immediately, ghost them. Who wants to raising an adult. Life is way too short. There are normal adults out there. THEY ARE SO MUCH BETTER. Adults that act like children are worthless in relationships.

Finally get comfortable with being alone, this will give you the most leverage in any relationship. Then you won't operate out of fear.


Last edited by sokillme; 03-05-2017 at 02:27 PM.
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post #47 of 320 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 01:56 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by *Deidre* View Post
It might seem like it's a mean thing to do, but it's not.
Be mean, the woman cheated on you. You owe her nothing. It will be a good head-start on what I talked about in my other posts. Get used to giving people who wrong you hard painful consequences then most will understand that wronging you is a bad choice. Don't worry people who live honorably will not fear being friends or having a relationship with you. They will just respect that you don't put up with nonsense. Because they will be the same.

Last edited by sokillme; 03-05-2017 at 02:14 PM.
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post #48 of 320 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 02:03 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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I'm sorry, I totally missed the part where she's now 32. That does change things a bit.....the lack of experience is probably still an issue but the fact that she's doing this at 32 suggests she really isn't marriage material.

At least not for you. She didn't get much attention before you and spent most of her 20's with you....she's now thinking about what she missed. We see this with guys who married with limited experience too.....they get 15 years in and start wondering what they missed.

But the fact that she acted on it says she's not wife material.

Are you sure this isn't just the first time you know about?
Unfortunately he can never be absolutely sure this is the first time she has cheated. She fell hard for OM and confessed this time.

But does it really matter in the long run if it was the first or fifth? I don't think so.

He is well rid of her.
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post #49 of 320 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 02:09 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
That's true, that women had married younger.

But so had men, yet you waited. And marriage also used to be a business deal, so it's not a good comparison. Older men could buy a young wife, but she'd still have her eye on young men so she had to be watched.

It's good your waited several years, and maybe she thought she was ready. But when the reality of married life hit she wasn't.

Does "good girl" mean she has limited experience? If so there's part of your answer. She was probably shielded from a lot of stuff....but once she got into the workplace and was no longer shielded she couldn't handle herself.

That's what makes her not ready.

How much experience did you have and how much did she have? I'm guessing there's a big difference.

For the record, my hb is 19 years older (TAM regulars know that) so it's not like I have issues with age differences. But having been in this for almost 12 years I think the issue isn't so much age as differences in baggage.....and when one partner is in the early 20's that difference tends to be quite large and hard to deal with.
She is just a bad choice. Age has nothing to do with it. Plenty of people get married young and don't cheat. If she had just left I might agree with you but her character is poor. Also it probably won't change. She will have a hard unstable life. This new relationship will just spiral (he is married and cheated on his wife and kids, a real dreamboat) and then it will be on to the next one. The quality of her choices will be less too. Maybe she was too young to understand that had a good man already, as all her family is telling her, but the chances of getting another one after already being married, and now late in life for having kids, are going to be slim. She is going to attract men who are not the settling down type or who have already had kids with someone else. Her loss.

OP did nothing wrong. In the long run he is going to be better off. He can have kids with a better more mature, higher quality women.

Sound like you are justifying her bad behavior because she was young when she got married which is bull ****. Are people adults at 23 or not?
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post #50 of 320 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 02:17 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

You are right. She is super codependent.

But her loyalty depends on proximity. Who she is near.

The stuff that bound you to her was thread. Her thread was a very light Delft.

Fragile stuff. Any attentive man could have broken that bond.

Think of a friendly She-Cat. The kind that are in perpetual heat.

One stroke.....of her ego and she is yours.

You got the best years of her life. A crass statement, cruel but accurate.

She, at one time worshiped you. Now she has diluted her loving memories with another.

The second and more....coital memories are always less...fulfilling.

Your hearts, both of them were put in Escrow. Not to removed until Death do one partum.

She violated the Living Trust agreement. She violated said trust.

Her Assets in Place were illegally transferred to a third party.

A POSOM in good standing in the Thieves Guild.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #51 of 320 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 02:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
I'm sorry, I totally missed the part where she's now 32. That does change things a bit.....the lack of experience is probably still an issue but the fact that she's doing this at 32 suggests she really isn't marriage material.

At least not for you. She didn't get much attention before you and spent most of her 20's with you....she's now thinking about what she missed. We see this with guys who married with limited experience too.....they get 15 years in and start wondering what they missed.

But the fact that she acted on it says she's not wife material.

Are you sure this isn't just the first time you know about?
First time I know that she cheated. Obviously could have been earlier but no indication of that. She told me about this recent A since I didn't suspect anything. Plus she is very close with her sisters (they talk everyday) and they would tell me. We have become very close during this ordeal. Her one sister in particular has new baby and she doesn't want my wife being around the baby because of this incident.

I think my wife is very immature. She told our counselor she's never felt this way before like she does with OM. And OM has three little kids of his own and she is stepping into a hornets nest on that issue. I think she had a weak time in our marriage where she was bored and instead of talking to anyone about it, she acted selfishly to take care of herself. She has told me she has found her new self and her needs are no longer 2nd. I don't where that's coming from since I did not restrict her in any way and actually encouraged her in everything including work to be the best woman she could be.
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post #52 of 320 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 02:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
Get down on your knees and thank God that didn't happen before you discovered you wives character. The remainder of your ex-wife's life is going to be very hard and unstable. She is broken. Your kids will not have to suffer through that. 41 is a young man in his prime, and being a lawyer with your own practice you are going to meet very many women interested in you.

My two cents, work on being more assertive. The first time your wife told you about having and affair you should have been done. She should have known already that there is no wiggle room to test our another guy out. One whiff and and you should be gone. Scorched earth. It should be if she doesn't know she is not paying attention. Your spouse should be scared as hell to even think about cheating. They should not be thinking well my husband is a nice guy he will get over it if the guy doesn't end up being better. They should be thinking my life will absolutely be in ruins if I do this. My spouse is not the safe person to disrespect. They still may cheat but it will be a lot harder to start knowing that you will be out on your ass. Even if they do you are better off.

What I find from reading on here and other places is too many men are way to lax about this stuff. They think of their wives like children, whom the can discipline and move on. The wives behave like spoiled children and push boundaries constantly eventually cheating. Don't have boundaries I have bright flashing lines that crossing means immediate death of the marriage. Only accept mature behavior from an adult relationship. If they act like kids dump them immediately, ghost them. Who wants to raising an adult. Life is way too short. There are normal adults out there. THEY ARE SO MUCH BETTER. Adults that act like children are worthless in relationships.

Finally get comfortable with being alone, this will give you the most leverage in any relationship. Then you won't operate out of fear.
Your last comment is absolutely spot on. It's been so long for me to be alone that I need to get comfortable with it. My wife and I literally had never been apart for more than 4 days before she had a 2 week work trip in August and I think met OM for first time.

She told me over the last few months I didn't pay her enough attention and I took her for granted. I was trying to get my new business going and she cheats on me. My law firm had crazy success the first year and it has been overshadowed by her. In hindsight, I think she is a very shallow person who constantly needs attention and validation to be happy.
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post #53 of 320 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 02:34 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by Clemson View Post
First time I know that she cheated. Obviously could have been earlier but no indication of that. She told me about this recent A since I didn't suspect anything. Plus she is very close with her sisters (they talk everyday) and they would tell me. We have become very close during this ordeal. Her one sister in particular has new baby and she doesn't want my wife being around the baby because of this incident.

I think my wife is very immature. She told our counselor she's never felt this way before like she does with OM. And OM has three little kids of his own and she is stepping into a hornets nest on that issue. I think she had a weak time in our marriage where she was bored and instead of talking to anyone about it, she acted selfishly to take care of herself. She has told me she has found her new self and her needs are no longer 2nd. I don't where that's coming from since I did not restrict her in any way and actually encouraged her in everything including work to be the best woman she could be.
Take most of what she says with a grain of salt, she is in self serving selfish mode right now and most of what she says is just double talk and self justification.

While his kids and family issues are a hornets nest your stbx is viewing them as a ready made family and she just step in and play mom. It's all part or the perfect world affair land brings.

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday
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post #54 of 320 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 02:35 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

How do you know the Posom has moved out and is getting a divorce? If your wife told you this it is probably a lie.

Haven't you talked to his wife, she may not even know of the affair? It's rare for an a to have an affair and leave his wife and kids.

Why is she getting an apartment in your town?
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post #55 of 320 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 02:39 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by Clemson View Post
Your last comment is absolutely spot on. It's been so long for me to be alone that I need to get comfortable with it. My wife and I literally had never been apart for more than 4 days before she had a 2 week work trip in August and I think met OM for first time.

She told me over the last few months I didn't pay her enough attention and I took her for granted. I was trying to get my new business going and she cheats on me. My law firm had crazy success the first year and it has been overshadowed by her. In hindsight, I think she is a very shallow person who constantly needs attention and validation to be happy.
Dude you are SO better off. Again thank God you didn't have children with this person. You can just detach. Yes it's hard but it is still a short period in your life. You meet a class women who you have kids and a 40 year marriage to and this person will be just any other ex that you happened to marry.

She isn't going to be better off. She had a faithful lawyer, it's like she hit the lotto, then traded in her ticket for a set of stake knives. This is why her family and anyone with any wisdom is in shock. She isn't very bright. Your kids will have a higher IQ and a better role model so be happy.

The only thing that worries me in my opinion is the you would even consider taking her back once she cheated. Cheaters can smell this **** and they gravitate to people who will give them a pass. Then they proceed to push and push. Pack up here stuff, give it to her parents. Cut her off and never talk to her again. Then every women you date eventually tell them the story. She cheated, I dumped her, packed up her stuff and never talked to her again. That will give everyone an idea where you are coming from. Honest people will admire that, shady ones will be repulsed.


Last edited by sokillme; 03-05-2017 at 06:27 PM.
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post #56 of 320 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 02:57 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

Don't try to figure it out Clemson. you will never understand it. She probably doesn't. You will drive yourself Batpoo crazy with that stuff. I know because I did it too. Learn from the experience of others. You won't be miserable forever. One you accept she's gone, you'll get better at an exponential rate.
Until then, you're going to be in this pain. That's what I'm trying to help you with. Accepting it.
Research this stuff. There isn't one damn thing you can do, or could have done about this. It just happens and we have to deal with it. It gets better.
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post #57 of 320 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 03:03 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

If it provides any consolation, my guess is that it's all going to come crashing down. The spoiled wife-child now expected to take care of her boyfriend's kids, without ever having been a mother. No comfort or affirmation from the adult male who's been providing it for years. The boyfriend with at least one foot still in his old marriage--possibly both feet. Affairland is a wonderful fantasy, but reality will rear its head at some point. At that point I expect she'll come crawling back to you. She's underestimated what an important fixture you were in her life. She's a foolish child.

So get the documents squared away and remain civil and polite. I agree about stopping the weekend visits, but you should consider whether these visits are of some strategic advantage to you in the short-term. The friendlier you are up to the date of D, the more likely she is to be agreeable.

Once the documents are final, go completely dark. She's no longer welcome at your house. No calls, no texts. Her stuff gets moved out asap, if you have to do it by hand. You can talk with her family, but do not tell them anything that they might want to pass along to her. She wants to be "friends" so that she won't feel so guilty. Your purpose in life is not to mitigate her guilt or discuss the past with her. Your purpose is to find yourself a wonderful mature woman who loves and respects you and only you. There are millions of women that can fit this bill.
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post #58 of 320 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 03:21 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

You are doing great. To better understand your wife search for the TED talk "why we cheat why we love" by Helen Fisher
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post #59 of 320 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 03:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by Chaparral View Post
How do you know the Posom has moved out and is getting a divorce? If your wife told you this it is probably a lie.

Haven't you talked to his wife, she may not even know of the affair? It's rare for an a to have an affair and leave his wife and kids.

Why is she getting an apartment in your town?
I don't know for sure that OM's wife knows except I saw his texts and emails sent in December and he was explaining how he told his wife and the books and counseling they were doing. This jives with what my wife said earlier that they agreed to tell their spouses. My wife says he's been kicked out of his house for the 3rd time since the A.

My wife says she is getting an apartment in our town because she wants to decide whether she is moving to OM's state or not. I think everyone is telling her to slow down. Besides OM's state requires he and his wife be separated for a year before they can even file for divorce. Plus I don't know if my wife's job will transfer to OM's state. She really loves her job.
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post #60 of 320 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 03:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

I am packing up her crap today. Thanks for the advice. Do you all recommend I be here when she moves her crap out? Don't know if it's better to prevent her from taking my stuff.

Oddly enough, my neighbor had his wife cheat on him very similarly 10 years ago. He quickly got divorced and she came crawling back. He says my wife will be making a run and reconciliation in the next 6 months after relationship with OM goes bad. He recommended I put together a list of how she's hurt me so I can reference it when I feel weak. My parents never want to see her again so that is hanging out there. I am prepared for her to try to come back in the future and am anxious to finalize the D. I also thinking going on some dates might further help me fend her off down the road.
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