Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Southern USA, but longtime NYC boy prior to our move.
Re: Wife is choosing other man
I once read advice given from a marriage counsellor to a husband with a similar problem. He stated that sometimes your spouse can become addicted to the other guy and no matter how much she wants to remain married and knows the horrible consequences if she does not stop seeing him, she cannot help herself. The advice was that this is not an uncommon problem and the only way to solve it was to move far away so that the wife could not see the OM at all.
I was in a similar situation except I was addicted to a girl at work. We were attracted to each other instantly just like I was with my wife. I met my wife and we were engaged 3 weeks later. I seem to be affected by pheromones or something but I fell head over heels with this new girl. I left my wife and our girlfriend for a month. Then we got back together, but I could not stop seeing the other woman. Our solution was to move very far away and the problem was solved.
The point is that we cannot turn on and off love or other feelings by sheer will. Just try to look at someone and will love to occur. It will not happen. Same with trying to stop loving when the object of your love has done nothing wrong. As I learned, you can love more than one person at the same time. It is naive to think that two people can fulfill all of each other's needs. Those needs often change during the course of a marriage too. I have moved a second time to avoid an affair when I rejected the advances of a married women who then stalked me for months. She had two kids and a good husband but she wanted me for some reason and did not care that I was married. She left roses at my front door. Called me at night to tell me goodnight. I changed my phone number and then I got anonymous letters and she started to show up at my bus stops no matter that I changed them and also changed the times I went to and came home from work. Once she got on my bus and asked the woman sitting next to me to change seats with her so that she could sit next to me. It was like the movie Fatal Attraction. This was in pre-internet days with no caller ID or stalker laws.
I fear that moving away is going to be your only solution. That may prove difficult since you started your law practice and probably are only licensed in your State. I am lucky because I can work anywhere and had no kids. The sad thing about it is that second marriages have a higher failure rate than first marriages. The problem is that your wife is only with the OM for the fun and game parts of life. She is not living with him. She is not nagging him to take out the garbage or any of the boring daily things that go into a marriage other than sex. Love has an effect of making us blind to the other person's faults plus sex with someone new is always more exciting than what you have been having before. What happens is when they live together and have to deal with the non sexual aspects of a relationship, it can result in disaster. Those of us in the poly world know this and we have to guard against it, but when emotions come into play we tend to make made choices regardless of logic.
I feel for you but it sure sounds like your wife needs to be physically separated from the OM or she will forever be conflicted by the love for two men. Sooner or later one of you will force her to make a choice. You have what is called mature love with her but the OM has new love which is exciting, overlooks flaws and makes you want to spend as much time with your new love. I have both experienced this and seen it happen with my ex fiancee. If she could have, she would have kept me and the OM but I am too alpha to have another man in my relationship, only women. Not much you can do but see where this goes.
My sister was in the same situation as your wife. Her new lover told his wife about them and my sister told her husband. They continued to live together in separate bedrooms, but she dated her boyfriend. When her husband found a new girlfriend, they divorced. Both are very happy now, but karma came back to bite my sister in the butt. A year after her boyfriend moved in with her, he had a stroke and now she has to take care of him for the rest of their lives. She left her husband because he is 11 years older than her and she wanted to go out every weekend and he did not. She so went out with her divorced girlfriends and that is where she met her new boyfriend. Now they cannot go dancing and drinking anymore so she is back where she started. Meanwhile her ex husband found a wealthy woman to marry and had a good life. These things happen and life is unfair.
Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
Last edited by Vinnydee; 03-05-2017 at 09:32 PM.