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post #61 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 03:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by Tatsuhiko View Post
If it provides any consolation, my guess is that it's all going to come crashing down. The spoiled wife-child now expected to take care of her boyfriend's kids, without ever having been a mother. No comfort or affirmation from the adult male who's been providing it for years. The boyfriend with at least one foot still in his old marriage--possibly both feet. Affairland is a wonderful fantasy, but reality will rear its head at some point. At that point I expect she'll come crawling back to you. She's underestimated what an important fixture you were in her life. She's a foolish child.

So get the documents squared away and remain civil and polite. I agree about stopping the weekend visits, but you should consider whether these visits are of some strategic advantage to you in the short-term. The friendlier you are up to the date of D, the more likely she is to be agreeable.

Once the documents are final, go completely dark. She's no longer welcome at your house. No calls, no texts. Her stuff gets moved out asap, if you have to do it by hand. You can talk with her family, but do not tell them anything that they might want to pass along to her. She wants to be "friends" so that she won't feel so guilty. Your purpose in life is not to mitigate her guilt or discuss the past with her. Your purpose is to find yourself a wonderful mature woman who loves and respects you and only you. There are millions of women that can fit this bill.
I am trying to be agreeable as needed to get the D done. Once it is finalized she is dead to me. I am glad to hear the pain gets better. This is the first weekend I've been alone. My family has visited the last few to keep me occupied.

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post #62 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 03:52 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

The fantasy won't last long if he has 3 kids and has to pay a ton of child support, etc or her other man decides she's not worth it and goes back to his wife.

However, her infidelity will stay with you a lifetime. Be prepared for the day she wakes up and try's to get her plan B back.

She is not safe wife material so don't fall for the crocodile tears and "I'm so sorry's". It will mainly be to get her lifestyle back.
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post #63 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 03:56 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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The fantasy won't last long if he has 3 kids and has to pay a ton of child support, etc or her other man decides she's not worth it and goes back to his wife.

However, her infidelity will stay with you a lifetime. Be prepared for the day she wakes up and try's to get her plan B back.

She is not safe wife material so don't fall for the crocodile tears and "I'm so sorry's". It will mainly be to get her lifestyle back.
OM's kids are 8, 6 and 3. What a dirtbag. He's going to be broke for a long time paying child support and alimony. I hate that I am going to be funding their life with money I earned and not my wife but whatever.
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post #64 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 04:11 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

I once read advice given from a marriage counsellor to a husband with a similar problem. He stated that sometimes your spouse can become addicted to the other guy and no matter how much she wants to remain married and knows the horrible consequences if she does not stop seeing him, she cannot help herself. The advice was that this is not an uncommon problem and the only way to solve it was to move far away so that the wife could not see the OM at all.

I was in a similar situation except I was addicted to a girl at work. We were attracted to each other instantly just like I was with my wife. I met my wife and we were engaged 3 weeks later. I seem to be affected by pheromones or something but I fell head over heels with this new girl. I left my wife and our girlfriend for a month. Then we got back together, but I could not stop seeing the other woman. Our solution was to move very far away and the problem was solved.

The point is that we cannot turn on and off love or other feelings by sheer will. Just try to look at someone and will love to occur. It will not happen. Same with trying to stop loving when the object of your love has done nothing wrong. As I learned, you can love more than one person at the same time. It is naive to think that two people can fulfill all of each other's needs. Those needs often change during the course of a marriage too. I have moved a second time to avoid an affair when I rejected the advances of a married women who then stalked me for months. She had two kids and a good husband but she wanted me for some reason and did not care that I was married. She left roses at my front door. Called me at night to tell me goodnight. I changed my phone number and then I got anonymous letters and she started to show up at my bus stops no matter that I changed them and also changed the times I went to and came home from work. Once she got on my bus and asked the woman sitting next to me to change seats with her so that she could sit next to me. It was like the movie Fatal Attraction. This was in pre-internet days with no caller ID or stalker laws.

I fear that moving away is going to be your only solution. That may prove difficult since you started your law practice and probably are only licensed in your State. I am lucky because I can work anywhere and had no kids. The sad thing about it is that second marriages have a higher failure rate than first marriages. The problem is that your wife is only with the OM for the fun and game parts of life. She is not living with him. She is not nagging him to take out the garbage or any of the boring daily things that go into a marriage other than sex. Love has an effect of making us blind to the other person's faults plus sex with someone new is always more exciting than what you have been having before. What happens is when they live together and have to deal with the non sexual aspects of a relationship, it can result in disaster. Those of us in the poly world know this and we have to guard against it, but when emotions come into play we tend to make made choices regardless of logic.

I feel for you but it sure sounds like your wife needs to be physically separated from the OM or she will forever be conflicted by the love for two men. Sooner or later one of you will force her to make a choice. You have what is called mature love with her but the OM has new love which is exciting, overlooks flaws and makes you want to spend as much time with your new love. I have both experienced this and seen it happen with my ex fiancee. If she could have, she would have kept me and the OM but I am too alpha to have another man in my relationship, only women. Not much you can do but see where this goes.

My sister was in the same situation as your wife. Her new lover told his wife about them and my sister told her husband. They continued to live together in separate bedrooms, but she dated her boyfriend. When her husband found a new girlfriend, they divorced. Both are very happy now, but karma came back to bite my sister in the butt. A year after her boyfriend moved in with her, he had a stroke and now she has to take care of him for the rest of their lives. She left her husband because he is 11 years older than her and she wanted to go out every weekend and he did not. She so went out with her divorced girlfriends and that is where she met her new boyfriend. Now they cannot go dancing and drinking anymore so she is back where she started. Meanwhile her ex husband found a wealthy woman to marry and had a good life. These things happen and life is unfair.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.

Last edited by Vinnydee; 03-05-2017 at 09:32 PM.
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post #65 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 04:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by Vinnydee View Post
I once read advice given from a marriage counsellor to a husband with a similar problem. He stated that sometimes your spouse can become addicted to the other guy and no matter how much she wants to remain married and knows the horrible consequences if she does not stop seeing him, she cannot help herself. The advice was that this is not an uncommon problem and the only way to solve it was to move far away so that the wife could not see the OM at all.

I was in a similar situation except I was addicted to a girl at work. We were attracted to each other instantly just like I was with my wife. I met my wife and we were engaged 3 weeks later. I seem to be affected by pheromones or something but I fell head over heels with this new girl. I left my wife and our girlfriend for a month. Then we got back together, but I could not stop seeing the other woman. Our solution was to move very far away and the problem was solved.

The point is that we cannot turn on and off love or other feelings by sheer will. Just try to look at someone and will love to occur. It will not happen. Same with trying to stop loving when the object of your love has done nothing wrong. As I learned, you can love more than one person at the same time. It is naive to think that two people can fulfill all of each other's needs. Those needs often change during the course of a marriage too. I have moved a second time to avoid an affair when I rejected the advances of a married women who then stalked me for months. She had two kids and a good husband but she wanted me for some reason and did not care that I was married. She left roses at my front door. Called me at night to tell me goodnight. I changed my phone number and then I got anonymous letters and she started to show up at my bus stops no matter that I changed them and also changed the times I went to and came home from work. Once she got on my bus and asked the woman sitting next to me to change seats with her so that she could sit next to me. It was like the movie Fatal Attraction. This was in pre-internet days with no caller ID or stalker laws.

I fear that moving away is going to be your only solution. That may prove difficult since you started your law practice and probably are only licensed in your State. I am lucky because I can work anywhere and had no kids. The sad thing about it is that second marriages have a higher failure rate than first marriages. The problem is that your wife is only with the OM for the fun and game parts of life. She is not living with him. She is not nagging him to take out the garbage or any of the boring daily things that go into a marriage other than sex. Love has an effect of making us blind to the other person's faults plus sex with someone new is always more exciting than what you have been having before. Those of us in the poly world know this and we have to guard against it but when emotions come into play we tend to make made choices regardless of logic.

I feel for you but it sure sounds like your wife needs to be physically separated from the OM or she will forever be conflicted by the love for two men. Sooner or later one of you will force her to make a choice. You have what is called mature love with her but the OM has new love which is exciting, overlooks flaws and makes you want to spend as much time with your new love. I have both experienced this and seen it happen with my ex fiancee. If she could have, she would have kept me and the OM but I am too alpha to have another man in my relationship, only women. Not much you can do but see where this goes.

My sister was in the same situation as her wife. Her new lover told his wife and she told her husband. They continued to live together in separate bedrooms but she dated her boyfriend. When her husband found a new girlfriend, they divorced. Both are very happy now but karma came back to bite my sister in the but. A year after her boyfriend moved in with her, he had a stroke and now she has to take care of him for the rest of their lives. Meanwhile her ex husband found a wealthy woman to marry and had a good life. These things happen and life is unfair.
Dude the OM lives 1000 miles away and my wife hasn't seen him since November except face time. Yet She still chose him and I am divorcing her because of that. I gave her more than enough chances. If you guys knew how awesome our life was you would think this is even crazier.
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post #66 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 04:42 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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I am packing up her crap today. Thanks for the advice. Do you all recommend I be here when she moves her crap out? Don't know if it's better to prevent her from taking my stuff.
I would be there. Pack it up yourself to make it go faster, and to be certain she can't take anything else that isn't hers. She's not the woman you thought you knew and you have no idea what she's capable of.

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Oddly enough, my neighbor had his wife cheat on him very similarly 10 years ago. He quickly got divorced and she came crawling back. He says my wife will be making a run and reconciliation in the next 6 months after relationship with OM goes bad. He recommended I put together a list of how she's hurt me so I can reference it when I feel weak.
Her potential return would not surprise me either. Cheaters live in their own fantasy world, and for her that includes your steadfast love in the event that her affair doesn't last. You can very definitely expect her to try to keep manipulating you, and take whatever defensive measures you need to protect yourself against that. Including re-reading this thread.

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OM's kids are 8, 6 and 3. What a dirtbag. He's going to be broke for a long time paying child support and alimony. I hate that I am going to be funding their life with money I earned and not my wife but whatever.
Why would you be giving them money? Didn't you say your wife had a job?
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post #67 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 04:55 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

Annnndddd it's all aboard for the Crazy Town Limerence Express!




@Clemson, she has boarded the CTLE and all you can do is wave her off from the station.

What I do suggest is that you look at counselling for yourself, to help you get through this situation.


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post #68 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 05:11 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Good thoughts. My D should become final by April or May. I am leary of dating before the D is final for a couple reasons. I don't want my wife getting pissed off and then challenging our agreed financial split. Right now we are doing this without lawyers (I don't do divorce law). Plus I don't want any serious relationship until I am truly single since that is a bad foundation I think. I am open to brief encounters with women and think that might be better at this time. I'm a pretty fun and good dude and women like me. People are already trying to set me up with attractive women. I've just been out of the dating game for a while and my wife really ticked every box I had for a wife plus our history.. My confidence has not been hurt by all this surprisingly. I'm just depressed at times about lost dreams and future. really appreciate everyone's thoughts. I am glad we didn't have kids. We had planned to start IVF in January so I dodged a bullet.
I just read through your whole thread to make sure that I hadn't missed this in another post, but I didn't see it addressed anywhere except in this one comment.

Would you mind elaborating on the bolded text a bit? Why IVF? Had you been trying unsuccessfully to have a baby for quite some time? If so, had the two of you been able to determine the cause of your infertility issues? I do agree with what has already been posted here as far as your need to move on without your wife, although I am curious as to whether or not the infertility issues could have played any part, even if subconsciously, in your wife's affair. Although, it certainly would not justify having an affair, as nothing justifies that kind of betrayal, and I say that having been the WS in my own marriage. I've simply observed this as having been a common factor in a number of marriages that have been rocked by infidelity.

I'm not very tech savvy and I cannot recall how to link to another thread on TAM, but perhaps one of the more tech savvy TAMers could link you to bff's thread. I think it would be a very beneficial and empowering thread for you to read.

You've got some hard times ahead of you, but you seem to be very intelligent, grounded, and confident in the knowledge that this is not in any way due to any failure or shortcomings on your part. I suspect that, like bff, you will rise above this difficult time in your life and come out on the other side a much happier man. Good luck to you.
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post #69 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 05:28 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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So you think that an established 35 year old is the same risk as a sheltered 18 year old?

Serious question.

I don't. Sure people can cheat at any age, but if age isn't a factor why is the divorce rate so much higher for those under 25?
Who says she has to be sheltered? You are making assumptions here. Not all young people are sheltered despite what condescending older folks may think. Some young people have had a hard life that wasn't about Reeboks and seeing the latest movie at the cinema. Furthermore, I didn't say OP had to go as young as 18. He said he married his now ex-wife at 26.

Not all 35 year olds are established. Some are in a mess. Maybe where you are the divorce rate is higher for those under 25. I know where I am, empty-nesters get divorced the most.

Even if I don't get likes for it, I'm still going to say it.
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post #70 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 05:35 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Who says she has to be sheltered? You are making assumptions here. Not all young people are sheltered despite what condescending older folks may think. Some young people have had a hard life that wasn't about Reeboks and seeing the latest movie at the cinema. Furthermore, I didn't say OP had to go as young as 18. He said he married his now ex-wife at 26.

Not all 35 year olds are established. Some are in a mess. Maybe where you are the divorce rate is higher for those under 25. I know where I am, empty-nesters get divorced the most.
I know she wasn't 18, I used that for an example because you claimed that age doesn't matter.

Age does matter, otherwise 16 year olds would be fair game.

He implied she was sheltered.....not much attention until college, limited experience, and a conservative family.

It's true that people divorce at all ages, but I stand by the fact that data supports a higher rate for those under 25. They're not a good risk.....I know I wasn't.

You might get a good one, but the younger you go the higher the risk they're not ready for marriage.

Either way it doesn't matter for him, she's not wife material. And hopefully at his age he won't still looking at 23 year olds for anything serious.

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post #71 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 05:44 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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I would be there. Pack it up yourself to make it go faster, and to be certain she can't take anything else that isn't hers. She's not the woman you thought you knew and you have no idea what she's capable of.



Her potential return would not surprise me either. Cheaters live in their own fantasy world, and for her that includes your steadfast love in the event that her affair doesn't last. You can very definitely expect her to try to keep manipulating you, and take whatever defensive measures you need to protect yourself against that. Including re-reading this thread.



Why would you be giving them money? Didn't you say your wife had a job?
My wife has a job. OM is going to be broke from his divorce (assuming he follows through) so my wife will be paying for everything using the money I paid in divorce. That's what I meant. Indirectly I will be funding their life.
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post #72 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 05:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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I just read through your whole thread to make sure that I hadn't missed this in another post, but I didn't see it addressed anywhere except in this one comment.

Would you mind elaborating on the bolded text a bit? Why IVF? Had you been trying unsuccessfully to have a baby for quite some time? If so, had the two of you been able to determine the cause of your infertility issues? I do agree with what has already been posted here as far as your need to move on without your wife, although I am curious as to whether or not the infertility issues could have played any part, even if subconsciously, in your wife's affair. Although, it certainly would not justify having an affair, as nothing justifies that kind of betrayal, and I say that having been the WS in my own marriage. I've simply observed this as having been a common factor in a number of marriages that have been rocked by infidelity.

I'm not very tech savvy and I cannot recall how to link to another thread on TAM, but perhaps one of the more tech savvy TAMers could link you to bff's thread. I think it would be a very beneficial and empowering thread for you to read.

You've got some hard times ahead of you, but you seem to be very intelligent, grounded, and confident in the knowledge that this is not in any way due to any failure or shortcomings on your part. I suspect that, like bff, you will rise above this difficult time in your life and come out on the other side a much happier man. Good luck to you.
We tried to get pregnant naturally for couple years unsuccessfully. Her family has problems with fertility and her sister just did IVF so we knew going in it might be needed. I did not pressure my wife and she was not stressed about not getting pregnant. We figured if it was meant to be it would happen. We enjoyed each other so much that if no kids we weren't going to be unhappy.
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post #73 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 05:54 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

Go to Divorce Care classes at local church......helpful and not too over the top on religion......Post here for the best free advice you will receive.....Individual counseling as needed.......Actually, in the grand scheme of things you are a relatively lucky guy from a financial standpoint. Not minimizing your personal pain at all. Some of the stories here will just tear you apart......
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post #74 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 06:04 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

OP,
It has been posted numerous times that your wife is immature. That is the reality of it, she is a child. Also, I dare say that she had "never felt this way before" when you and she were first dating and I can assure you she will feel yet another unique feeling when she cheats on the poor father of three, that is if he does not beat her to it. They deserve one another and you deserve better. Know this that if you take her back you will relive this scenario again only with the possibility of children involved. Consider this carefully.

Peace and long life
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post #75 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 06:17 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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OP,

It has been posted numerous times that your wife is immature. That is the reality of it, she is a child. Also, I dare say that she had "never felt this way before" when you and she were first dating and I can assure you she will feel yet another unique feeling when she cheats on the poor father of three, that is if he does not beat her to it. They deserve one another and you deserve better. Know this that if you take her back you will relive this scenario again only with the possibility of children involved. Consider this carefully.


Same post in every thread. She is not a child.

According to some studies, half the adult population cheats. They are not children.

They cheat because they are needy. Or selfish. Or they just put their needs ahead of their partner. They cheat because they can. That's about it.

OP, i am sorry you are here.

Last edited by 225985; 03-05-2017 at 07:59 PM.
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