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post #91 of 463 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 08:47 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by Clemson View Post
You seem like a really good dude and we think a lot a like. Thanks for your thoughts. My wife's parents are devastated by this. Her mom brought me 5-6 meals last week so I could eat a home cooked meal. Her dad sends me bible scripture and tells me how disappointed they are in their daughter. My nieces and nephews ask where I am at family gatherings. It's the elephant in the room and they have no desire to meet OM or bring him into the family. It's a disaster. I'm done with my wife. I'm just hung up on the old version of her that doesn't exist. It's like grieving a death. Packing up her stuff today was tough. Seeing old pics and clothing I bought her or could see her wearing. I'll be glad when everything is out of the house and I can get busy building my new life. I never in a million years saw this coming with my wife. Lightning striking me seemed more likely. I know my situation could have been much worse but it still hurts sometimes even though I know I'm better without her now.
No one sees it coming. You responded with dignity and assertiveness though, that will serve you well. You will also get over this. There is hope. Though I was not married I had proposed and it was my first love. First everything. Anyway, I will tell you what my Mother who was cheated on told me. If you can get through this you can get through anything.

I no longer fear emotional pain like I once did, because I took that to heart. Once I was through it and I learned that it really does go away with time, then the "hopeless" fear went away. And I have been through some serious **** since then but I had the hope in knowing "this too shall pass". One caveat I would add is I don't have kids, I would not want to live through one dying. I am sure that is worse.

One other thing, when she does try to get you back and they almost always do, be prepared for her family to put on the full court press. Hopefully you will be fully detached by then. This is also a big loss for them.

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post #92 of 463 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 09:00 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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I found this board and thought I would start a thread to see if I can get thoughts from others. My Wife is probably too far gone.

Little background on marriage. My Wife and I had a great Marriage and wonderful life. We met when she was 23 and I was 32. Wife is an old soul who likes to sew and cook and comes from a great family where church and family are the focus. She was a late bloomer and really didn't become attractive until college. She is the youngest of 3 daughters. Wife was sweet, loving, loyal and very attractive - perfect wife material. Wife and I were married in 2010 after dating for 3 years. Wife dated one guy all through college before breaking up with him and then meeting me. From the beginning, she was obsessed with me and would not even go out with her friends unless I came too.

We spent all our time together and genuinely loved being with each other. Without a doubt, we were each other’s best friends. Wife was definitely co-dependent on me and I was with her to some extent. I am an attorney and Wife works in insurance and we have no kids so we traveled extensively and generally lived a fun life. My wife complained about very little and never voiced any problems in our marriage. Wife always seemed happy and we almost never fought.

In April 2016, I started a new law firm which began taking up a lot of my time. Wife also started a new job that required her to travel. We seemed to be acclimating fine to this different/stressful time in our lives. I was working particularly long hours in September and October.

In November 2016, I come home from work to find Wife crying on our couch. Wife says she met a male co-worker and they had an affair during 3 week-long business trips (which happened during the period of my birthday and our anniversary). Apparently they really connected and had great passion. Wife says she was lonely and didn't know she was unhappy until she met OM. OM is 35 years old and married with three small children and lives in another state 1000 miles away. I was devastated and never suspected A. Wife tells me she loves me and chooses me over the OM. Wife has deep feelings for OM. Wife sends a no contact text to OM the next day and shows it to me. Wife seemed genuinely remorseful. Wife's two sisters tell me they too had no idea she was in trouble despite talking to her almost everyday. Her entire family is saddened by Wife's actions.

Two weeks later we are boarding a plane for a previously scheduled trip. I look over and see Wife texting OM and I almost have a panic attack. OM has told his wife of the affair but can’t stop thinking of my wife. My wife says OM reached out to her the night before and said “thinking of you”. Wife apologizes and I take her phone and text OM to never contact my wife or I will tell their employer about what is going on. We then start couples counseling. Wife tells counselor she wants to make our Marriage work.

Another two weeks later though, my wife gives me the ILYBNILWY line. I’m stunned. When I challenge her that she barely knows OM she says she's known him "101 days" like a teenager. I'm really concerned I'm losing her. But over the remainder of December, things are actually pretty good as we work on us. On New Year's Eve, we are at a party and Wife says she is thinking of OM. I lose it and tell her I'm done with the marriage.

The next day, Wife is sobbing and tells me she can't live without me, she wishes A never happened and she will quit her job if it means she keeps me. In late January 2017, we go out of town and one night Wife breaks down crying and says she can't get over OM. My heart is broken.

Once back home, Wife tells me she wants to separate so she can have time to think. I tell Wife we can do in-home separation on one condition: that she not contact OM. Wife refuses and I make her leave our home. Two days later Wife contacts OM and finds out he has been kicked out of his house by his wife and lives with his brother now. OM is interested in continuing the A. On February 12, I meet WW and she tells me she is choosing OM over me. Wife says she missed me at first but when she found out OM wasn't with his wife, the separation was easier. I kick Wife out of our house and immediately filed for D. I won't be plan b option.

Since then, I have gone no contact (I also gave up pursuing several weeks earlier). Wife comes by every Sunday to get clothes for work week and to talk about finances/divorce and while she is home she asks how my week has been, etc like nothing is wrong. I can't believe this is the same wife who would eagerly wait for me to come home every day just 6-8 months ago.

Wife wants to move where OM lives even though she has never been to that state, knows no one but OM there, has never lived outside our city, might lose her job and would be leaving all friends and family.

Wife's entire family is against her decision and has helped me through this. They think my Wife is lost and didn't give our M a chance. I did not ask for their help but they desperately want our M to work. Personal friends have called asking if she has a brain tumor because this is not the person they know. This A has almost zero chance of working and there is literally no one encouraging Wife to leave other than OM. Yet here we are. Everyone I tell is stunned that Wife would have an A. It was so out of character for her. She is so distant and uncaring now. We have been together over 9 years and it's like it meant nothing. For someone so obsessed with me, I can't believe our lack of communication doesn't bother her at some level.

Looking back, I can't believe I have put up with all this over the past 3 months. I foresee my Wife returning in the future but I don't know if I would even want her back. Filing for divorce did not snap her out of it. I have lost 20 lbs and am in the best shape I've been in 15 years. Anything else I should be doing? Any words of encouragement? I'd be lying if I said I don't miss her everyday still.

Of course your wife is like a teenage she is in a deep fog and now the path is open as he is out of his house.

You have to emotionally detach and do the 180, stop letting her come around to the house to get her clothes and talk with you, that should not be an option for her, you have to completely cut off contact and only do so through lawyers, she needs to see that she is on her own with her choices.

Set a deadline when the movers are coming to take all her stuff - this will be therapeutic for you
Have them box up everthing and dump it outside the place where she is staying
Have your D lawyer send a letter that all contact through lawyers from now - do not make this easy for her
YOu feel terrible, but you are in good shape, start doing more for yourself.
How long will the D take?
Start joining clubs, take up a hobby, meet new people, no dating till D gone through.
Her family sound like decent people, but dont let them talk you into something you dont want
I think after your detach you will not want her back.

You are only 42, still time to meet another woman who will treat you right. Granted you both didnt work on the marriage and let careers, time and distance come between you. It would require alot of work to R. You gave her many chances, now it is time to let go, she has made the choice already and it shows alot about her character, let her go.
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post #93 of 463 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 09:05 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by Clemson View Post
OM's kids are 8, 6 and 3. What a dirtbag. He's going to be broke for a long time paying child support and alimony. I hate that I am going to be funding their life with money I earned and not my wife but whatever.
Feel so sorry for the OM's poor BW, what a **** bag, says so much about his character!
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post #94 of 463 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 09:22 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by Clemson View Post
You seem like a really good dude and we think a lot a like. Thanks for your thoughts. My wife's parents are devastated by this. Her mom brought me 5-6 meals last week so I could eat a home cooked meal. Her dad sends me bible scripture and tells me how disappointed they are in their daughter. My nieces and nephews ask where I am at family gatherings. It's the elephant in the room and they have no desire to meet OM or bring him into the family. It's a disaster. I'm done with my wife. I'm just hung up on the old version of her that doesn't exist. It's like grieving a death. Packing up her stuff today was tough. Seeing old pics and clothing I bought her or could see her wearing. I'll be glad when everything is out of the house and I can get busy building my new life. I never in a million years saw this coming with my wife. Lightning striking me seemed more likely. I know my situation could have been much worse but it still hurts sometimes even though I know I'm better without her now.
It's exactly like grieving a death. This evil twin has murdered your real wife. Be very thankful that you did not have children requiring you to have continued contact with the murderer.

It will always hurt occasionally. Something will happen to trigger the memory and you'll have moments of sorrow for what should have been, then move on. The pangs just come fewer and farther apart over time, especially once you can implement no contact. Then you reach a point where you just shrug and think "oh yeah, that was a thing once."

What helped me a lot, much more than I expected, was selling our once-shared home I had been the one to keep and buying a new one that didn't have memories echoing in it, one that was entirely my style and taste and suited only my needs, instead of being a compromise. Redecorating the old one had only been covering things up, it wasn't moving on.
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post #95 of 463 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 09:33 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

It'll be hard but you'll be fine and it seems like you know that. Time cures a lot of things.

If you get rid of pics, mementos, etc you won't be reminded and kept down as long.

Just be thankfull you don't have kids. You can make a complete break and after the D is final just go completely dark. Block social media, phone numbers, email, etc.

Like most she'll probably try the "lets be friends" thing. Not in your best interest. This is all for her. Helps eliviate guilt, leaves the door open, Helps them feel better about themselves, etc. Any contact will make your stay in limbo longer.

Definition of friend = honest, trustworthy, loyal. She's not your friend.
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post #96 of 463 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 09:34 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
No one sees it coming. You responded with dignity and assertiveness though, that will serve you well. You will also get over this. There is hope. Though I was not married I had proposed and it was my first love. First everything. Anyway, I will tell you what my Mother who was cheated on told me. If you can get through this you can get through anything.
Hey, that's very close to what I tell myself! When anything gets rough in my life now, I just tell myself "this isn't as bad as being stabbed in the back by the person you trusted most" and get things done.

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Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
I no longer fear emotional pain like I once did, because I took that to heart. Once I was through it and I learned that it really does go away with time, then the "hopeless" fear went away. And I have been through some serious **** since then but I had the hope in knowing "this too shall pass". One caveat I would add is I don't have kids, I would not want to live through one dying. I am sure that is worse.
I don't know. I've never lost a child, but in the throes of my ordeal, I was thinking that I would rather have lost a child than experience the betrayal of infidelity. At least with losing a child, I would still have had a supportive spouse to go through it with. Being cheated on is the loneliest, hardest thing I can imagine. I remember a colleague got a cancer diagnosis not long after my d-day, and I was envious.

Any other disaster in life, and you go through it with the full support of everyone around you; your spouse, two families, all your friends, often even receiving insurance money.

Experience infidelity, and you go through it without your partner, while losing half your family and half or more of your friends, and your finances crash and burn.

It sucks. But this is a great place for advice on how to handle it. Wish I'd found it sooner in my process.
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post #97 of 463 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 09:44 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by Clemson View Post
You seem like a really good dude and we think a lot a like. Thanks for your thoughts. My wife's parents are devastated by this. Her mom brought me 5-6 meals last week so I could eat a home cooked meal. Her dad sends me bible scripture and tells me how disappointed they are in their daughter. My nieces and nephews ask where I am at family gatherings. It's the elephant in the room and they have no desire to meet OM or bring him into the family. It's a disaster. I'm done with my wife. I'm just hung up on the old version of her that doesn't exist. It's like grieving a death. Packing up her stuff today was tough. Seeing old pics and clothing I bought her or could see her wearing. I'll be glad when everything is out of the house and I can get busy building my new life. I never in a million years saw this coming with my wife. Lightning striking me seemed more likely. I know my situation could have been much worse but it still hurts sometimes even though I know I'm better without her now.
This is where most can get hung up for long periods of time or try and save something that's no longer there or perhaps never was.

It takes awhile for your heart to sync up with your mind. Once that happens and you see her for who she is or has become its someone you wouldn't want in your life anyway and you'll know you've moved on.

Make no mistake for you to have a good future with someone else your stbxw has to be purged or it will ruin any relationship. No other woman wants an X around even in memory.
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post #98 of 463 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 10:09 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by Hopeful Cynic View Post
It will always hurt occasionally.
I don't hurt at all. I see very clearly what the woman who cheated on me was. I did SO much better. Finding someone new with new memories took the pain away. Especially when you love the new person. The love you had for the old person becomes a memory and so does the pain associated with that love.
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post #99 of 463 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 10:56 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

OP, I went through a similar ordeal a long time ago and having the benefit of extended hindsight I can vouch for the truthfulness of what the TAM community has told you. I think you are on the right track. The only thing I can add is don't forget to change the door locks asap. I will also reinforce the truth that you should harden yourself against taking her back. If you do things right you will realize that you don't want her back by the time she comes crawling back. Good luck, and I'm sorry you're here.
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post #100 of 463 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 11:09 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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She is living with her parents until a lease on an apartment starts next week.
sorry that you are going through this.
You need to pack all of her stuff up asap and send it to her parents. She has NO rights to ask you about your week or anything else. She has picked who she wants. ..now make her live by her decision. You will be much better off than being with somebody who could just make a snap decision to have an affair because you were away for 3 weeks.


Last edited by jlg07; 03-05-2017 at 11:38 PM.
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post #101 of 463 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 11:13 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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OM's kids are 8, 6 and 3. What a dirtbag. He's going to be broke for a long time paying child support and alimony. I hate that I am going to be funding their life with money I earned and not my wife but whatever.
Eh... maybe not. You've been married for under a decade, you have no kids, and she works.

Oh, and you have proof of infidelity... right?!?

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #102 of 463 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 11:20 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

Just to give you and idea this is the kind of thing you just avoided. Your wife is the same kind of person as the women in that thread. She just got their quicker.

I know you are in pain but yours is like skin cancer compared to this guy's throat cancer.
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post #103 of 463 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 01:49 AM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

Double Post

Last edited by Joe75; 03-06-2017 at 03:22 AM.
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post #104 of 463 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 01:54 AM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Any words of encouragement?
Hi Clemson

The following is from a perspective of a man in his sixties.

Notwithstanding your present situation, you are 41 and the best part of your life is just ahead. You are at the age where you have the acquired experience and astuteness from twenty years of adulthood and still can optimistically look forward to the future knowing there are numerous possibilities/opportunities still within your reach.

In the work place, you will enter into the most productive period of your life – both professionally and financially.

As for your personal life, take the necessary time to mourn and heal from the ending of your marriage. When I was much younger, a relationship ended when the woman, who I thought was my present and my future, cheated. It is my experience that healing takes longer than mourning. Thus, take the time to re-acquaint you with yourself, get comfortable in your skin again and enjoy time with yourself. That is what I did and I discovered that I like Joe75 and he is a good man. I also discovered, or perhaps re-discovered, that the world is full of remarkable women from all walks of life. A single good man in his early forties, when you are ready, well, let me say please post an update in two years.

Clemson, many folks wish, if they could go back in time, to revisit their teen years or their twenties. Not me, if I could I would go a back to my fortieth birthday when I was on the cusp of hitting my stride. Once you taken the time to truly heal, the future awaits you.

Regards

Joe75
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post #105 of 463 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 08:07 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

Thanks for all the replies and encouragement. I plan to focus on getting back to knowing myself and being comfortable being alone again. Sounds like it's just going to take time. My heart was ripped out but it has gotten better with time. I want to use this time to get in the best shape of my life since college. In many ways I know I'm blessed and that I'd rather know my wife has this flaw now versus 10 years later with kids. I will post updates in the coming months. Hopefully I have some good positive stories to tell.
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