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post #106 of 505 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 08:33 AM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by Clemson View Post
Thanks Monk. You are not the first person to believe she is super codependent and is now obsessed with this new guy. At the very beginning I asked what the OM's flaws were and she said he has no negative flaws. I'm definitely seeing the same pattern. She is obsessing over a new person like she did with me at the beginning.
She may also be a love addict. Love addicts are addicted to the heady chemicals the brain releases during courtship. They seem to lack the ability to develop the mature, committed kind of love that keeps married people together for the long term. They just have no ability to mature past the limerance stage. Once the shine wears off the penny, they look for someone else to be enamored with.

Marilyn Monroe and Elizabeth Taylor were both love addicts, who moved from man to man, never settling down for long.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...love-addiction

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post #107 of 505 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 08:59 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
She may also be a love addict. Love addicts are addicted to the heady chemicals the brain releases during courtship. They seem to lack the ability to develop the mature, committed kind of love that keeps married people together for the long term. They just have no ability to mature past the limerance stage. Once the shine wears off the penny, they look for someone else to be enamored with.

Marilyn Monroe and Elizabeth Taylor were both love addicts, who moved from man to man, never settling down for long.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...love-addiction
That could be her. Despite being gorgeous, she wasn't always that way and I think has self-esteem issues. She could not decide between OM and me for months and then finally decided on the limerance. I think she equates that "in love" feeling with "love". Plus she is addicted to that feeling and cannot stop craving it. I watched her for 2 months struggle with getting over a guy she literally has spent parts of less than 10-12 days with. I think while she had that feeling with me she was fine and while she was not tempted she was fine but the minute she felt it with someone she was gone.
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post #108 of 505 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 09:11 AM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by Clemson View Post
Looking back, I can't believe I have put up with all this over the past 3 months. I foresee my Wife returning in the future but I don't know if I would even want her back. Filing for divorce did not snap her out of it. I have lost 20 lbs and am in the best shape I've been in 15 years. Anything else I should be doing? Any words of encouragement? I'd be lying if I said I don't miss her everyday still.
Continue with the self improvement. Make it your NEW obsession to replace the POS you married.

Do NOT under any circumstances EVER take her back. You made it through the worst part, don't fall back in.

All I can tell you bud was I was in your shoes at one point. Time is your friend, eventually you will move on.

Now I want to send her a "thank you" card for giving me the excuse I needed to dump her ass.

Best decision I ever made. You'll think so too when you realize there are SO many better women out there.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #109 of 505 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 09:19 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by BetrayedDad View Post
Continue with the self improvement. Make it your NEW obsession to replace the POS you married.

Do NOT under any circumstances EVER take her back. You made it through the worst part, don't fall back in.

All I can tell you bud was I was in your shoes at one point. Time is your friend, eventually you will move on.

Now I want to send her a "thank you" card for giving me the excuse I needed to dump her ass.

Best decision I ever made. You'll think so too when you realize there are SO many better women out there.
Glad to hear from an experienced person. I look forward to the pain being gone. It's less everyday but still there. The more friends I explain my situation to the more I learn that I'm not alone. I am anxious to get this divorce over so I can start moving forward with the rest of my life. I feel like I'm just stuck in neutral until then. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. I know I will make some lucky woman a good husband. When my wife first told me she was choosing OM I was shocked and thought I'd never find someone as good as my wife. Looking at the world with a dating eye I've seen there are other available attractive women out there.
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post #110 of 505 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 09:20 AM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by Clemson View Post
I am packing up her crap today. Thanks for the advice. Do you all recommend I be here when she moves her crap out? Don't know if it's better to prevent her from taking my stuff.

Oddly enough, my neighbor had his wife cheat on him very similarly 10 years ago. He quickly got divorced and she came crawling back. He says my wife will be making a run and reconciliation in the next 6 months after relationship with OM goes bad. He recommended I put together a list of how she's hurt me so I can reference it when I feel weak. My parents never want to see her again so that is hanging out there. I am prepared for her to try to come back in the future and am anxious to finalize the D. I also thinking going on some dates might further help me fend her off down the road.
With all due respect this could be the loves of their lives and they could be super happy forever.

You're/He's not a fortune teller and that side of things are entirely out of your control all you have is what is in front of you and the only thing you can control is your side of this situation.

As for putting together a list, why? She's actively cheating as you speak, you've seen her actions and the way she's treated you. She's actively planning on moving away from you to go with this man. Even if she came back, why would you take her back? And love has nothing to do with it, because if love allows someone to humiliate and disrespect you, it's not love it's a lack of self respect.
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post #111 of 505 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 09:30 AM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
I think the issue that's not being addressed here is that your wife was 23 when you met her, and frankly 23 and 32 a a very large difference at that point in life.

You'd lived your 20's, your wife had not. Forget about the "old soul" stuff, your wife wasn't ready to be married. I mean, were you at 23? Clearly not because you waited until you were in your 30's.

Your wife isn't marriage material right now. Might she be some day? Maybe, but at this point a lot of damage has been done by her infidelities, so maybe best for you to move on and find someone a little older that's ready to be married.
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Originally Posted by Clemson View Post
Fair point about our age difference. That was why we dated 3 years before we got married. So she was 26 when we got married. I wanted to make sure she was in this for real and it wasn't just a honeymoon phase. I know 23 was young but women have been getting married at that age (including my own mother) and younger for a long time. She had a family who strongly valued marriage and was a good girl. It all made me think that her age wasn't a major factor. Apparently I may have been wrong.
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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
I totally 100% disagree with you. Always the mans fault lts. This is clearly from what has been described, a disloyal, ungrateful, low class woman.
She doesn't get a pass on cheating and abandonment just because she married young.
The getting married at a young age as an excuse is something I would not accept. There are many successful marriages when young and age difference are present.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #112 of 505 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 09:30 AM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by Clemson View Post
Glad to hear from an experienced person. I look forward to the pain being gone. It's less everyday but still there. The more friends I explain my situation to the more I learn that I'm not alone. I am anxious to get this divorce over so I can start moving forward with the rest of my life. I feel like I'm just stuck in neutral until then. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. I know I will make some lucky woman a good husband. When my wife first told me she was choosing OM I was shocked and thought I'd never find someone as good as my wife. Looking at the world with a dating eye I've seen there are other available attractive women out there.
You're about my age friend and I'll be completely blunt with you.

There will be women literally falling over themselves to be with a lawyer, who has his sh!t together, in good shape, who has no kids.

30 something women on the dating scene have biological clocks screaming at them to lock down a guy like you. You're gonna slay.

No rush to hit the dating scene. Make sure you hit the gym frequently, get back to that Clemson physique. It's great for mental recovery.

If your ex is anything like mine, one day you'll get the call, snot dripping down her face, desperate to have you back after OM dumps her.

DON'T FALL FOR IT!!! She will try to plan B you. She will try to use guilt to manipulate you. Let her live the rest of her life with the REGRET.

That's all the justice you'll need. Plus the new arm candy you'll soon have is a nice perk. Good Luck bro. Her loss..... BELIEVE IT!

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou

Last edited by BetrayedDad; 03-06-2017 at 09:43 AM.
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post #113 of 505 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 09:34 AM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

Get tested for STDs if there is a chance you may have been exposed.

Sorry you are here.
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post #114 of 505 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 09:43 AM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by BetrayedDad View Post
You're about my age friend and I'll be completely blunt with you.

There will be women literally falling over themselves to be with a lawyer, who has his sh!t together, in good shape, who has no kids.

30 something women on the dating scene have biological clocks screaming at them to lock down a guy like you. You're gonna slay.

No rush to hit the dating scene. Make sure you hit the gym frequently, get back to that Clemson physique. It's great for mental recovery.

If your ex is anything like mine, one day you'll get the call, snot dripping down her face, desperate to have you back after OM dumps her.

DON'T FALL FOR IT!!! She will try to plan B you. She will try use guilt to manipulate you. Let her live the rest of her life with the REGRET.

That's all the justice you'll need. Plus the new arm candy you'll soon have is a nice perk. Good Luck bro. Her loss..... BELIEVE IT!
I agree 100 percent. You have great things in your future. Whether your wife and her OM stay together should not be of any concern to you. She's the past. Look to the future.

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"You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind!" Victor Von Frankenstein
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post #115 of 505 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 10:24 AM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

You ARE going to have problems, sir. You're going to have the problem, as stated by betrayed Dad, of having to CHOOSE between all these beautiful women. And they are going to immediately fall madly in love with you and want to marry you. DO NOT let your pain allow you to accept anything other than what you want. WHEN you see red flags, dump them and DO NOT allow yourself to keep going out with them because you are scared to start over with a new one.

Your ex wife will feel like a distant memory in a year. You will have lots of choices.

You will get better. Your wife is with a cheating scumbag. Do you think there's any remote possibility he can compare to you if you're a decent guy? In this case, I do think she'll be back, and I think you would be the biggest idiot in the country to take her back after what she has done.

Your post title sums it up pretty well. Your wife CHOSE another man. By golly she should have to live with that choice, not you.

Once you accept she is gone and WANT to move forward. You'll get to a point you are starting to have good days again really quickly. You'll have fewer and fewer bad ones until you finally get to where you don't give a darn whether she lives or dies. And for you, she should be dead to you either way. What she has done to you is the worst thing she possibly could do.
Live well, my friend.

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post #116 of 505 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 10:49 AM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

I agree with the others that you should not trust to hope she will come crawling back. They rarely ever do. This relationship of hers may very well succeed and she could go on to be very happy with her choice.

That's why you need to move on and work towards indifference. It will come to you in time. You are already off to a good start. Just quit looking in the rear view.
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post #117 of 505 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 11:08 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by BetrayedDad View Post
You're about my age friend and I'll be completely blunt with you.

There will be women literally falling over themselves to be with a lawyer, who has his sh!t together, in good shape, who has no kids.

30 something women on the dating scene have biological clocks screaming at them to lock down a guy like you. You're gonna slay.

No rush to hit the dating scene. Make sure you hit the gym frequently, get back to that Clemson physique. It's great for mental recovery.

If your ex is anything like mine, one day you'll get the call, snot dripping down her face, desperate to have you back after OM dumps her.

DON'T FALL FOR IT!!! She will try to plan B you. She will try to use guilt to manipulate you. Let her live the rest of her life with the REGRET.

That's all the justice you'll need. Plus the new arm candy you'll soon have is a nice perk. Good Luck bro. Her loss..... BELIEVE IT!
Good to hear! I am working to get in great shape. It makes it easier without any other time commitments other than work. I'm a popular/fun guy and decent looking. My friends want to have a big "re-releasing into the wild" party for me when the divorce is final. They seem more excited about my prospects than I am.
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post #118 of 505 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 11:09 AM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
I think the issue that's not being addressed here is that your wife was 23 when you met her, and frankly 23 and 32 a a very large difference at that point in life.
I'm a bit late to the party but this really got me thinking. I agree that it's quite a gap and that the WW was not ready to marry when she did but I don't think it was entirely due to age. I think it's more startling that she basically didn't mature in her view of relationships since she was 23. Maybe that was in part due to a lack of experience or maybe she's just one of those people who never gave up that idealistic perspective on love. It is especially clear when she says things like OM has no flaws. Leaving your wife and kids for an OW is a massive character flaw and a red flag for several other deeper character flaws like selfishness, lack of care and respect for their spouse, and entitlement in general.

This doesn't just apply to young people too. I read threads here with posters who married much younger then acted like a high schooler in their next relationship when they were well into their 40s. Fighting, breaking up, and getting back together every month or so for years! I didn't settle for those games in college. I couldn't imagine dealing with them in my 40s. It's mind boggling. People underestimate that dating and relationship building requires a lot of experience and trial and error in and of itself and just because you manage to get lucky in your first long term relationship/marriage doesn't mean you're any more prepared for the dating scene and the immature partners you could encounter afterwards.

Clemson, I don't think there was any fool proof way for you to have seen this coming. It doesn't sound like to me that you were intentionally looking for a younger woman to date but I would hope if a woman acted as codependent as your WW did at 23 that you would cut her loose now. Lesson learned.

My take on the situation is that it never came up before the A because nothing ever triggered it. Why would you think an A would happen if your WW acted head over heels for you for 9 years? How could you question her loyalty when she never flirted or crossed any boundaries in the past? I also believe you that she put on the air of being very mature and though I don't think she actually is mature when it comes to marriage, I don't think you could have reasonably known that without some serious vetting. So when you're ready to date, ask about fidelity and future partners' experiences with it. Talk about situation you read some where as a stepping stone to ask about what they would do when faced with a difficult relationship choice. Get some more insight about how they think a long term relationship works. It's not fool proof but it will tell you a lot about whether they are the right person to get involved with or not.
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post #119 of 505 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 11:09 AM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

Like others have said, you are in your prime. Finding fun and beautiful girls will not be a problem if you are in half decent shape. Make sure you date multiple women at the same time. Don't fall for the first one. I fell for the second girl and put a ring on her finger after 12 months of dating. I have no regrets, but I believe I got lucky.

Once she's out of the home, start dating for fun. Just be up front with the girls that you are not settling down and still technically married. A bunch of them will just want to go out and get laid. Live it up for a while. Like the saying goes... Best way to get over someone is to get under someone new!
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post #120 of 505 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 11:12 AM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by Clemson View Post
I watched her for 2 months struggle with getting over a guy
This is where you need to work. As you see that was a waste of time. You should have filed the next day maybe the consequences would have snapped her out of it. Besides that never love someone enough to allow yourself to be abused. Waiting for your spouse to make up their mind is letting them abuse you.
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