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post #121 of 332 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 11:13 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
I agree with the others that you should not trust to hope she will come crawling back. They rarely ever do. This relationship of hers may very well succeed and she could go on to be very happy with her choice.

That's why you need to move on and work towards indifference. It will come to you in time. You are already off to a good start. Just quit looking in the rear view.
Don't misunderstand me. I'm not hoping she comes back. I'm dreading it. I want to be able to fend her off. Having had some new lady success by then would go a long way. At this point, it would be great if she moves to OM's state and I never see her again. I just don't think that will work out and she'll be back in my city one day coming after me.

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post #122 of 332 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 11:17 AM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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With all due respect this could be the loves of their lives and they could be super happy forever.

They deserve each other. Two real prizes.
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post #123 of 332 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 11:27 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by nekonamida View Post
I'm a bit late to the party but this really got me thinking. I agree that it's quite a gap and that the WW was not ready to marry when she did but I don't think it was entirely due to age. I think it's more startling that she basically didn't mature in her view of relationships since she was 23. Maybe that was in part due to a lack of experience or maybe she's just one of those people who never gave up that idealistic perspective on love. It is especially clear when she says things like OM has no flaws. Leaving your wife and kids for an OW is a massive character flaw and a red flag for several other deeper character flaws like selfishness, lack of care and respect for their spouse, and entitlement in general.

This doesn't just apply to young people too. I read threads here with posters who married much younger then acted like a high schooler in their next relationship when they were well into their 40s. Fighting, breaking up, and getting back together every month or so for years! I didn't settle for those games in college. I couldn't imagine dealing with them in my 40s. It's mind boggling. People underestimate that dating and relationship building requires a lot of experience and trial and error in and of itself and just because you manage to get lucky in your first long term relationship/marriage doesn't mean you're any more prepared for the dating scene and the immature partners you could encounter afterwards.

Clemson, I don't think there was any fool proof way for you to have seen this coming. It doesn't sound like to me that you were intentionally looking for a younger woman to date but I would hope if a woman acted as codependent as your WW did at 23 that you would cut her loose now. Lesson learned.

My take on the situation is that it never came up before the A because nothing ever triggered it. Why would you think an A would happen if your WW acted head over heels for you for 9 years? How could you question her loyalty when she never flirted or crossed any boundaries in the past? I also believe you that she put on the air of being very mature and though I don't think she actually is mature when it comes to marriage, I don't think you could have reasonably known that without some serious vetting. So when you're ready to date, ask about fidelity and future partners' experiences with it. Talk about situation you read some where as a stepping stone to ask about what they would do when faced with a difficult relationship choice. Get some more insight about how they think a long term relationship works. It's not fool proof but it will tell you a lot about whether they are the right person to get involved with or not.
I really have looked at my role in this marriage and want to take away some lessons for future relationships. Like you say, its trial and error, and if you don't learn from your mistakes you are bound to repeat them. I was not looking for a young 23 y/o when I met my wife. In fact, I thought someone that age might be trouble and a few of my friends said don't do it based solely on her age - they thought she was still at the partying stage. Instead, a few older women I knew who knew me and my wife and her family thought we were a good fit. My wife was cooking meals like casseroles for me when we first started dating and already had a job. She was sewing buttons on my clothes and was really nurturing. She seemed mature. I think emotionally though she is very immature. I always worried a bit that she had not dated many guys before me. But she was so damn reliable and loyal and loving for our first three years of dating that all doubts were gone. My wife is the type of woman who goes to a bar or pool and all eyes are on her. But her eyes and attention were always on me - until last Fall apparently. I really don't think I could have predicted any of this and in some ways that makes me feel better. I know I didn't contribute to the A. I am not perfect but many of the flaws I read about on this board and others I simply don't have. I'll be honest - this thread has been very uplifting for me. It's one of the reasons I keep posting.
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post #124 of 332 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 11:28 AM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by Clemson View Post
Don't misunderstand me. I'm not hoping she comes back. I'm dreading it. I want to be able to fend her off. Having had some new lady success by then would go a long way. At this point, it would be great if she moves to OM's state and I never see her again. I just don't think that will work out and she'll be back in my city one day coming after me.

Then the best way to fend her off is to become happy with out her, and remind yourself of the pain she caused you...do not lose perspective.
do not be taken in by false words and promises....one of you has to be the grow up, you sadly married a child, she will grow fast being a step mom and soon will find the life she thought she would have will not happen and she will become a second class citizen in her own home when the children visit because you know his guilt will take hold. it will unravel quickly and she will be begging for you to take her back...please please do not.
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post #125 of 332 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 11:30 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by GuyInColorado View Post
Like others have said, you are in your prime. Finding fun and beautiful girls will not be a problem if you are in half decent shape. Make sure you date multiple women at the same time. Don't fall for the first one. I fell for the second girl and put a ring on her finger after 12 months of dating. I have no regrets, but I believe I got lucky.

Once she's out of the home, start dating for fun. Just be up front with the girls that you are not settling down and still technically married. A bunch of them will just want to go out and get laid. Live it up for a while. Like the saying goes... Best way to get over someone is to get under someone new!
I do look forward to dating for fun and I want to avoid anything remotely serious for at least a few months.
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post #126 of 332 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 11:35 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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This is where you need to work. As you see that was a waste of time. You should have filed the next day maybe the consequences would have snapped her out of it. Besides that never love someone enough to allow yourself to be abused. Waiting for your spouse to make up their mind is letting them abuse you.
I know and this is one of the issues I am most humiliated about. I never would have thought I would let someone do this to me. It seemed like baby steps at the time and then you look back and say, my God how did I let that happen. My wife is very blunt and the stuff she told me she was thinking is horrible. I was so desperate to hold onto what we had that I failed myself. I'll never let that happen again. She took my confidence and swagger there for a few months after she told me about her A.
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post #127 of 332 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 11:48 AM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by Clemson View Post
I know and this is one of the issues I am most humiliated about. I never would have thought I would let someone do this to me. It seemed like baby steps at the time and then you look back and say, my God how did I let that happen. My wife is very blunt and the stuff she told me she was thinking is horrible. I was so desperate to hold onto what we had that I failed myself. I'll never let that happen again. She took my confidence and swagger there for a few months after she told me about her A.
This is why you must get comfortable being alone. Do not, I repeat do not look for a replacement for your wife. Shape yourself into a person who doesn't ever need to have a partner in order to have happiness and joy in your life. This will give you strength to never accept less then what you should. That doesn't mean don't fall in love again it means never become dependent on someone again.
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post #128 of 332 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 11:53 AM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
I agree with the others that you should not trust to hope she will come crawling back. They rarely ever do. This relationship of hers may very well succeed and she could go on to be very happy with her choice.
Minor point of objection.

I don't think it's rare at all. It happened to me and I've read it happening to many others in TAM as well.

I agree it's incredibly unhealthy to be sitting by the phone hoping she will call and to become indifferent enough to move on without her.

It's best for OP to never contact her and hope she never contacts him again but if she does, to also be mentally prepared to tell her to "**** off".

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #129 of 332 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 12:25 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

One last lesson.....and this for ALL RE-MARRIAGES or GETTING MARRIED again = Pre-nup....protect your investments.
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post #130 of 332 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 01:05 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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One last lesson.....and this for ALL RE-MARRIAGES or GETTING MARRIED again = Pre-nup....protect your investments.
The way you wrote that, you make it sound like pre-nups are never challenged or overturned.

They are, all the time, and even if the challenge is lost, you're still looking at a boatload of legal fees to defend yourself.

You want to protect your investments? Don't repeat past mistakes and don't enter a subsequent useless second or third marriage which is a pointless waste of time, effort and unnecessary risk for absolutely no gain.

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post #131 of 332 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 01:12 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

At some point, after things with the posom don't work out, she'll probably come crawling back to you.

I hope, for your sake, you're smart enough and strong enough to tell her "never in 100 million years", and show her the door.
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post #132 of 332 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 01:16 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by Clemson View Post
I do look forward to dating for fun and I want to avoid anything remotely serious for at least a few months.
It's been 4 years since I left my exww and I still have no desire for a serious relationship. You probably will date quite a bit at some point - but if you're like me, that novelty will wear off and you'll embrace your freedom. Maybe get a lover/fwb.

Some guys jump right back in and get married again. My exww tainted my view of relationships and marriage so badly that I don't know if I'll ever let someone in again.

But that's neither here nor there right now. Stay strong, focus on yourself, move ahead with D and accept the fact that your stbxww is not the woman you thought she was and never will be. It hurts like a *****, but that's reality. Make your life about you now.
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post #133 of 332 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 01:20 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by GuyInColorado View Post
Like others have said, you are in your prime. Finding fun and beautiful girls will not be a problem if you are in half decent shape. Make sure you date multiple women at the same time. Don't fall for the first one. I fell for the second girl and put a ring on her finger after 12 months of dating. I have no regrets, but I believe I got lucky.

Once she's out of the home, start dating for fun. Just be up front with the girls that you are not settling down and still technically married. A bunch of them will just want to go out and get laid. Live it up for a while. Like the saying goes... Best way to get over someone is to get under someone new!
Yep

Clemson find a woman with tits as big as the Rockies and a throat as deep as the Grand Canyon.
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post #134 of 332 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 01:33 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by BetrayedDad View Post
Minor point of objection.

I don't think it's rare at all. It happened to me and I've read it happening to many others in TAM as well.

I agree it's incredibly unhealthy to be sitting by the phone hoping she will call and to become indifferent enough to move on without her.

It's best for OP to never contact her and hope she never contacts him again but if she does, to also be mentally prepared to tell her to "**** off".
Oh yeah there might be a chance. Say...when she hears he's bedding new ladies. She may try to get him back, but not because she wants him. She just wouldn't want anyone else to have him.

Dogbone.
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post #135 of 332 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 01:44 PM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by browser View Post
The way you wrote that, you make it sound like pre-nups are never challenged or overturned.

They are, all the time, and even if the challenge is lost, you're still looking at a boatload of legal fees to defend yourself.

You want to protect your investments? Don't repeat past mistakes and don't enter a subsequent useless second or third marriage which is a pointless waste of time, effort and unnecessary risk for absolutely no gain.

I disagree with you, i have personally seen it work in a number of cases and i would suggest that it is better to have a little protection than no protection. i am not suggesting it's the end all but it does have some teeth.
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