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Wife is choosing other man

247K views 547 replies 127 participants last post by  Stormguy2018 
#1 ·
I found this board and thought I would start a thread to see if I can get thoughts from others. My Wife is probably too far gone.

Little background on marriage. My Wife and I had a great Marriage and wonderful life. We met when she was 23 and I was 32. Wife is an old soul who likes to sew and cook and comes from a great family where church and family are the focus. She was a late bloomer and really didn't become attractive until college. She is the youngest of 3 daughters. Wife was sweet, loving, loyal and very attractive - perfect wife material. Wife and I were married in 2010 after dating for 3 years. Wife dated one guy all through college before breaking up with him and then meeting me. From the beginning, she was obsessed with me and would not even go out with her friends unless I came too.

We spent all our time together and genuinely loved being with each other. Without a doubt, we were each other’s best friends. Wife was definitely co-dependent on me and I was with her to some extent. I am an attorney and Wife works in insurance and we have no kids so we traveled extensively and generally lived a fun life. My wife complained about very little and never voiced any problems in our marriage. Wife always seemed happy and we almost never fought.

In April 2016, I started a new law firm which began taking up a lot of my time. Wife also started a new job that required her to travel. We seemed to be acclimating fine to this different/stressful time in our lives. I was working particularly long hours in September and October.

In November 2016, I come home from work to find Wife crying on our couch. Wife says she met a male co-worker and they had an affair during 3 week-long business trips (which happened during the period of my birthday and our anniversary). Apparently they really connected and had great passion. Wife says she was lonely and didn't know she was unhappy until she met OM. OM is 35 years old and married with three small children and lives in another state 1000 miles away. I was devastated and never suspected A. Wife tells me she loves me and chooses me over the OM. Wife has deep feelings for OM. Wife sends a no contact text to OM the next day and shows it to me. Wife seemed genuinely remorseful. Wife's two sisters tell me they too had no idea she was in trouble despite talking to her almost everyday. Her entire family is saddened by Wife's actions.

Two weeks later we are boarding a plane for a previously scheduled trip. I look over and see Wife texting OM and I almost have a panic attack. OM has told his wife of the affair but can’t stop thinking of my wife. My wife says OM reached out to her the night before and said “thinking of you”. Wife apologizes and I take her phone and text OM to never contact my wife or I will tell their employer about what is going on. We then start couples counseling. Wife tells counselor she wants to make our Marriage work.

Another two weeks later though, my wife gives me the ILYBNILWY line. I’m stunned. When I challenge her that she barely knows OM she says she's known him "101 days" like a teenager. I'm really concerned I'm losing her. But over the remainder of December, things are actually pretty good as we work on us. On New Year's Eve, we are at a party and Wife says she is thinking of OM. I lose it and tell her I'm done with the marriage.

The next day, Wife is sobbing and tells me she can't live without me, she wishes A never happened and she will quit her job if it means she keeps me. In late January 2017, we go out of town and one night Wife breaks down crying and says she can't get over OM. My heart is broken.

Once back home, Wife tells me she wants to separate so she can have time to think. I tell Wife we can do in-home separation on one condition: that she not contact OM. Wife refuses and I make her leave our home. Two days later Wife contacts OM and finds out he has been kicked out of his house by his wife and lives with his brother now. OM is interested in continuing the A. On February 12, I meet WW and she tells me she is choosing OM over me. Wife says she missed me at first but when she found out OM wasn't with his wife, the separation was easier. I kick Wife out of our house and immediately filed for D. I won't be plan b option.

Since then, I have gone no contact (I also gave up pursuing several weeks earlier). Wife comes by every Sunday to get clothes for work week and to talk about finances/divorce and while she is home she asks how my week has been, etc like nothing is wrong. I can't believe this is the same wife who would eagerly wait for me to come home every day just 6-8 months ago.

Wife wants to move where OM lives even though she has never been to that state, knows no one but OM there, has never lived outside our city, might lose her job and would be leaving all friends and family.

Wife's entire family is against her decision and has helped me through this. They think my Wife is lost and didn't give our M a chance. I did not ask for their help but they desperately want our M to work. Personal friends have called asking if she has a brain tumor because this is not the person they know. This A has almost zero chance of working and there is literally no one encouraging Wife to leave other than OM. Yet here we are. Everyone I tell is stunned that Wife would have an A. It was so out of character for her. She is so distant and uncaring now. We have been together over 9 years and it's like it meant nothing. For someone so obsessed with me, I can't believe our lack of communication doesn't bother her at some level.

Looking back, I can't believe I have put up with all this over the past 3 months. I foresee my Wife returning in the future but I don't know if I would even want her back. Filing for divorce did not snap her out of it. I have lost 20 lbs and am in the best shape I've been in 15 years. Anything else I should be doing? Any words of encouragement? I'd be lying if I said I don't miss her everyday still.
 
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#226 · (Edited)
So to summarize, the other guy wins and you lose, or win depending on how you look at it. It happens. My sister divorced her husband of 25 years. He is a singer in a group that had a hit record and he performs on TV and all around the country. He also had a business going on the side. He was loved by my entire family. The type of guy who was famous and you would never know it by meeting him. He would literally give you the shirt off of his back. He did a lot of things for my parents since I rarely lived close to them. My sister left him for a married city bus driver who is somewhat of an alcoholic. The last time I talked to him on the phone he was going off on some rant that I think I am better than him just because my sister called me for help on her computer against his wishes.

We were all mad at my sister. I did not talk to her for a year. Then karma struck and my sister's new boyfriend had a stroke and could not work anymore. My sister has to care for him for the rest of their life. Did not work out as she planned, but she chose the wrong man. Her ex adored her and never asked her to work. Now she is working and providing care for the replacement guy. You can never tell what the future will be.

I was devastated when my ex fiance left me while I was serving a year's tour of duty in Vietnam. She went on to get hooked on drugs, pregnant by one of several guys she had sex with, developed mental problems as a result of drugs, married a guy to support her and her kid and when her kid graduated from college, she left her husband to marry the woman she had been cheating on him with. Guys never seem to suspect anything when the other guy is a girl. Like with me, this may end up becoming the best thing in your life.

When it happens you are stuck in the present and have to deal with the problems and emotions. In the future I saw that breakup as being the best thing to ever happen to me. If not for that I would have never met my wife of 44 years who put up with 13 relocations and taking care of the home front when I was away for 3-4 months of the year on business. I never worried once about her cheating, and her willingness to put up with my ambitions allowed us to live a very comfortable lifestyle. None of that would have happened if my ex fiancee did not cheat. BTW, I found that the best way to get over a former lover is to get under another. A month with a girl who liked sex as much as me was all it took to get over my ex who was with me for 5 years. Your future will be made up of the good and bad things that happen to you and if you have a good future, it will be partly due to what happened to you now.
 
#230 ·
So to summarize, the other guy wins and you lose, or win depending on how you look at it. It happens. My sister divorced her husband of 25 years. He is a singer in a group that had a hit record and he performs on TV and all around the country. He also had a business going on the side. He was loved by my entire family. The type of guy who was famous but you would never know it by meeting him. He would literally give you the shirt off of his back. He did a lot of things for my parents since I rarely lived close to them. My sister left him for a married city bus driver who is somewhat of an alcoholic. The last time I talked to him on the phone he was going off on some rant that I think I am better than him just because my sister called me for help on her computer despite his wishes. He had a complex about being the least successful in his family and mine.

We were all mad at my sister. I did not talk to her for a year. Then karma struck and my sisters new boyfriend had a stroke and could not work anymore. My sister has to care for him for the rest of their life. Did not work out as she planned but she chose the wrong man. her ex adored her and never asked her to work. Now she is working and providing care for the replacement guy. You can never tell what the future will be. I was devastated when my ex fiance left me while I was serving a year's tour of duty in Vietnam. She went on to get hooked on drugs, pregnant by one of several guys she had sex with, developed mental problems as a result of drugs, married a guy to support her and her kid and when her kid graduated from college, she left her husband to marry the woman she had been cheating on him with. Guys never seem to suspect anything when the other guy is a girl. Like with me, this may end up becoming the best thing in your life.

When it happens you are stuck in the present and have to deal with the problems and emotions. In the future I saw that breakup as being the best thing to ever happen to me. If not for that I would have never met my wife of 44 years who put up with 13 relocations and taking care of the home front when I was away for 3-4 months of the year on business. I never worried once about her cheating and her willingness to put up with my ambitions allowed us to live a very comfortable lifestyle. None of that would have happened if my ex fiancee did not cheat. BTW, I found that the best way to get over a former lover is to get under another. A month with a girl who liked sex as much as me was all it took to get over my ex who was with me for 5 years. Your future will be made up of the good and bad things that happen to you and if you have a good future, it will be partly due to what happened to you now.
I have to agree with vinnydee...,,
Never know what the future holds, but know it would have been bad with this woman you are @Losing".
 
#247 ·
I think you only expose the affair if you want to reconcile, because all it will end up looking like is revenge, if you're on the divorce path. Let her go, and move on with your life.

I would also not chat anymore with her parents. They're still her parents, and if you share too much, it might come back to hurt you. I would sever all ties with her family. Frankly, they're probably part of the reason she is the way she is.
 
#259 ·
Exposure is not about wanting people to "feel sorry" for you. As a BH, it was to not let the WS re-write history, say we "broke up" - rather than she cheated.

So that when the cheaters is showing off their NEW boyfriend or girlfriend... is *IT* the affair partner? The homewrecker? Will the parents of the WS be supporting of the cheating?
 
#262 ·
So WHAT if the cheater "rewrites history"?

Who cares what the ex partner/cheater does, who they're doing it with and what their parents think about it?

I sure wouldn't.

To expose, simply to "set the record straight" so that "everyone knows the truth" is lame and desperate and what it really says is "I'm hurt and I can't get over them".
 
#269 ·
Typically, people like drama. You tell people that your wife cheated and the reaction will be ''oh my gosh, that's awful, you didn't deserve that...'' etc etc. That's okay in the beginning, but a year later, people will still want to talk about it with you, because that's human nature, and many people love drama. This is why I'd say ''she cheated,'' and I wouldn't get into details, because the story will actually come back to haunt you, not your stbx, when you're trying to heal. :eek: I had this happen after a break up with a guy, a friend of mind kept wanting to talk about what a jerk he is 6 months later, and it was hard to keep hearing about him, as I was trying to heal.
 
#271 ·
Who cares if people want to talk about it. I got no problem talking about it. I didn't do anything wrong in this hypothetical situation. If I didn't want to talk about it, I would say I have moved on lets talk about something else.
 
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#272 · (Edited)
If you are divorced... people are STILL GOING TO ASK?! "WHY?"

So either you are going to lie or say nothing... or tell the truth. No need to do favors for cheaters. I have no shame or embarrassment from exposure. There is NOTHING cool about it. But in the big scheme of things - exposure is the least of your problems. Oh, and nobody bothers us about it and its been almost a year and I don't give a damn. I got bills and diapers to worry about.

Yeah, my wife and her family were pissed off about the exposure. But she was lying about what was going on. She was lying behind my back and lying to others... Lies about what I did or did NOT do... really horrible crap. Soon after she was kicked out, her lies were cracking. Also, there was a crazy friend who was feeding my wife lies - which really helped to justify her actions. I showed my wife the TRUE conversations between me and her crazy friend. She had to think about her words and actions in that they didn't match reality. Her wanting to do (R) and going to therapy and wanting me to come back to family events and talking to her parents - showed them that SHE was the one who was doing the damage. I have a better relationship with her parents today, than ever before.

I hope R continues to go well.
 
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#278 ·
If you are divorced... people are STILL GOING TO ASK?! "WHY?"

So either you are going to lie or say nothing... or tell the truth.
This succinctly describes all the available choices. I always opted to tell the truth. Whenever people asked why I'm divorced I never held back: "My ex wife was screwing a guy at her work."

I would then get the inevitable "Oh, I'm sorry!"

To which I would reply, "No need. I'm much happier post divorce." And then I smile like an idiot. :grin2:

There are only two people I have withheld the full truth from: my daughter and my ex MIL. I'll tell my daughter the full truth when she's older and can understand better. As to why I didn't tell my ex MIL when I had the chance...I can't really say. My gut just said to keep my mouth shut, and it's very rare where my instincts lead me astray.
 
#275 ·
I understand Clemson's choice to improve the outcome of his D by avoiding exposing his WW and the POS at their work.....smart IMO.

After the D finalizes though, I do think there is one person that he needs to make SURE knows the A and its entire extent.

POSOM's BW!

OP's WW has told him that this dirtbag has already confessed and been kicked out of his house to his brother's.....but much of that story is very likely a lie.....either from WW to OP or from OM to the WW.

IMO, it is a little suspicious that OM's BW knows about the A but has made ZERO attempts to contact Clemson.

Now, we all know that some BS do not reach out to the other BS and feel uncomfortable about it.......but that is a minority position IMO.....most DO reach out in some way.

The fact that the BW here has not makes me think that she is either not aware of the A or that it is continuing.

After the D finalizes, I think Clemson should make sure that POS's BW is definitely aware of the A, that it is continuing, and that his exWW is now a free actor because their D is final.

This is the only way to ensure that this poor woman knows exactly what is going on in her M and life.

And if OM's BW blows them up at work?

LMAO....well that would just be sweet karma for them.
 
#277 ·
@deidre haven't you heard that old people signal lane changes by changing lanes? Back up till you hear broken glass? ;)

Seriously at some point many of us just say what we want and don't GIF

And remember it's not a BF / GF situation then - it could be 10, 20, 30 years with that person.

So I get it - say what you want and let it go

That's all @sokillme is saying I think


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#282 ·
By Clemson
I took my wife for granted the last 1-2 years

My wife seemed happy and never voiced any concerns, unhappiness or unfulfilment. We had just been on a great trip to the Caribbean 6 months earlier. I looked at my old texts and even just before the affair my wife was texting me on her business trip that she missed me like crazy and couldn't wait to be home.
Clemson
I hope you are through with your thinking about what you did and that you could have done better. We all could have done better but it is like you may have committed a misdemeanor but she committed a 1st degree murder. Stop being concerned about you taking your wife for granted because it was not that bad or else your wife would have said something. You taking your wife for granted without her saying a word is not even close to a good excuse for her or you to blame you.





[quote]By Clemson
I am prepared for her to try to come back in the future and am anxious to finalize the D[/quote]

You can bet she will be trying to come back in the future. Here are a few reasons why:

1 She has not lived with the OM nor smelled his stinky breath in the morning and his passing gas

2 She will eventually realize that she is not number one, in fact she is not even number 2 or 3. The OM will eventually prove to your wife that he is number one then his 3 children will be next inline. Your wife will be lucky if she is number 5

3 She and the OM will experience the effect of financial strain as the OM will have very little money after paying child support for three young children for many years


4 Your wife will feel the pain of being big disappointment to her parents and to her other family members.

5 After the OM gets tired of your wife he will probably try and go back to his wife because they have a very strong bond by having 3 children together.


6 Your wife will never have a great relationship with the OM’s children and they may even despise her.

7 The OM has proven that he will cross a line with his wife and children that is very detrimental to integrity and character so he will have no problem betraying your wife in the months or years to come.

Living with someone and facing life’s struggles and disappointments takes a LOT away from a person’s fool like fantasies. Your wife will learn that in the future.

Yes, I do think that your wife will come back some day to you with big tears and lots of emotion, however, the damage is now done and she will have to bear her consequences that she alone made.

You, Clemson, are very wise, have a great plan for such a hurtful crises, and have implemented your plan like a pro! You will be much relieved after May 2 and have a lot of time to build up your retirement and to have a very good life. You have not degraded yourself and can walk with your head up high.

As for your now great pain? “This Too Shall Pass”


Your wife is in a fog (that is an understatement) that she willfully planned to be in. Her dedication to acting on her feelings over commitment, trust, loyalty and honesty has severely damaged her character. She may be very physically attractive but the lack of integrity and her willful betraying will over rule her attractiveness. Also, when she is in her later years her attractiveness will leave and then she will have nothing to offer.


 
#284 · (Edited)
Clemson
I hope you are through with your thinking about what you did and that you could have done better. We all could have done better but it is like you may have committed a misdemeanor but she committed a 1st degree murder. Stop being concerned about you taking your wife for granted because it was not that bad or else your wife would have said something. You taking your wife for granted without her saying a word is not even close to a good excuse for her or you to blame you.






I am prepared for her to try to come back in the future and am anxious to finalize the D

You can bet she will be trying to come back in the future. Here are a few reasons why:

1 She has not lived with the OM nor smelled his stinky breath in the morning and his passing gas

2 She will eventually realize that she is not number one, in fact she is not even number 2 or 3. The OM will eventually prove to your wife that he is number one then his 3 children will be next inline. Your wife will be lucky if she is number 5

3 She and the OM will experience the effect of financial strain as the OM will have very little money after paying child support for three young children for many years


4 Your wife will feel the pain of being big disappointment to her parents and to her other family members.

5 After the OM gets tired of your wife he will probably try and go back to his wife because they have a very strong bond by having 3 children together.


6 Your wife will never have a great relationship with the OM’s children and they may even despise her.

7 The OM has proven that he will cross a line with his wife and children that is very detrimental to integrity and character so he will have no problem betraying your wife in the months or years to come.

Living with someone and facing life’s struggles and disappointments takes a LOT away from a person’s fool like fantasies. Your wife will learn that in the future.

Yes, I do think that your wife will come back some day to you with big tears and lots of emotion, however, the damage is now done and she will have to bear her consequences that she alone made.

You, Clemson, are very wise, have a great plan for such a hurtful crises, and have implemented your plan like a pro! You will be much relieved after May 2 and have a lot of time to build up your retirement and to have a very good life. You have not degraded yourself and can walk with your head up high.

As for your now great pain? “This Too Shall Pass”


Your wife is in a fog (that is an understatement) that she willfully planned to be in. Her dedication to acting on her feelings over commitment, trust, loyalty and honesty has severely damaged her character. She may be very physically attractive but the lack of integrity and her willful betraying will over rule her attractiveness. Also, when she is in her later years her attractiveness will leave and then she will have nothing to offer.

All of this is true. You did nothing wrong you were fooled. Possibly by someone who doesn't even know themselves. Your wife is broken. Her character will hurt her life, and her future kids lives, if she has them. You really will be happy that you found out when you did.
 
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#288 ·
OP,
Inasmuch as she is capable of growth she may (or may not) realize at some point just how horrifically bad her "choices" were. If her mind is capable of growth then this is the type of experience that may spur it on. If so, she may indeed see the error of her ways, though I doubt ever fully, and try to regain that which she has so nonchalantly cast away. The problem is that her growth would have come at too high a price and sadly much too late. You will have moved on and will be nowhere near the place you are currently. She, however, would long to be back in that place.

It is fascinating that people can develop physically and yet remain so mentally retarded in their development. As you said she follows her emotions/feelings and hasn't the cognition to do otherwise so, in reality, she has no choice. She must follow her emotion/instinct rather than having the mental aptitude to direct her own life. I do actually feel a sense of sorrow for these people as they are completely at the mercy of the ebb and flow of life, chasing that dangling carrot for the entirety of their existence, usually down very destructive paths. And the really tragic aspect of this is that they all too often carry unsuspecting, trusting, committed people like us and their children with them until we decide to redirect our course as you have done. Good fortune to you as you travel your new path.
 
#289 ·
My question is how do you identify these types of people during the dating process? Maybe her total dedication and passion for me with disregard of everyone and everything else was my red flag. I was too inexperienced to have seen it or known the potential repercussions. I sense OM is the same type of person based on what I know about him and the texts I've seen.
 
#293 ·
I have lots of friends and family who went to Clemson. Great school! I'm a CofC man mysrlf...

Anyway, in regard to that month you gave your wife to choose. I don't see that as a huge mistake. You have a guilt free conscience now. You did what you could to save the marriage, but she refused. Hold your head high. There is nothing to be ashamed of.

Now, have you talked to any nice, single women lately?

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#296 ·
Originally Posted by Clemson
I've concluded my wife is the kind of person who chases her feelings. If she doesn't have butterflies anymore, she doesn't think she loves someone.

It was definitely flattering. I could do no wrong. And everything I did was amazing and cool she thought

My question is how do you identify these types of people during the dating process? Maybe her total dedication and passion for me with disregard of everyone and everything else was my red flag.
Your quotes above are some of the identifiers to pay close attention to in dating.

Your wife is controlled by feelings and feelings cannot be trusted. Her total dedication to you with disregard of everyone, and her thoughts that everything you did was amazing and cool proves that she is too much of a co-dependent on others rather than herself. She looks to others to fulfill all her needs instead of having it within herself to fulfill some of those needs. Your wife loves the foolish fantasy world and allows those fantasies to be priority over real life.

Your soon to be ex-wife is going to have real hard struggles and great emotional pain in the future as her fairy tale fantasies come crashing down. You are still young and can recover. Your future is much brighter!
 
#298 · (Edited)
Her friends know the real story since my wife told them. It has scared all the husbands apparently because so surprising. In fact, she told her friends there was an affair and they thought it was me. They were shocked it was her. As for her coworkers, part of our divorce settlement agreement is that I don't tell her coworkers because she and OM could be fired. I don't care at his point.
are you going to tell after the D? I think you should tell POSOM OW ASAP
 
#299 ·
Her friends know the real story since my wife told them. It has scared all the husbands apparently because so surprising. In fact, she told her friends there was an affair and they thought it was me. They were shocked it was her. As for her coworkers, part of our divorce settlement agreement is that I don't tell her coworkers because she and OM could be fired. I don't care at his point.
are you going to tell after the D?
No for a couple reasons. I don't really care anymore and if I tell she could possible challenge the agreement since that is part of the deal. Just no upside and I'm done focusing time on her. I need to move forward.
 
#300 ·
Thanks for your comments. While I think I've got a good handle on things now, I don't feel that I handled things as a pro early on. I basically let my wife have a month plus to decide on me or OM. I should have dropped the hammer much earlier and made her choose. But it was the holidays and I wanted it to work. I think I was in shock and my own fog until she told me she was choosing OM. Only then did it hit home and I think I acted decisively and true to myself.

Are you thinking of some kind of payback later?
 
#303 ·
[quote[/B]=Clemson;17547946]No for a couple reasons. I don't really care anymore and if I tell she could possible challenge the agreement since that is part of the deal. Just no upside and I'm done focusing time on her. I need to move forward.[/quote]

Keep that attitude sir. You are going to be fine and very likely will make a woman who truly appreciates you very happy.:smile2:
 
#314 ·
I don't plan on rushing into any marriage. Ideally would date for 2-3 years before I would consider marrying anyone. I would like to have kids. I understand you don't have to be married to have kids but I'd prefer to be. I'm a relationship kind of guy so I can't see myself being single for 10 years or something.
 
#315 ·
I don't blame you, but the key thing is to become completely comfortable with yourself as an individual who can live alone without a relationship and still be happy and fulfilled. Then you'll be in good shape to be a good marriage partner but also not rely on someone else too much to miss any warning signs or unresolved issues they may have. They're just as likely to bring issues to their next relationship (probably why the D rate of second marriages is higher). But if you're healthy and independent you'll both be more attractive and be able to se issues early so they can be addressed


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#321 ·
Hey everyone. Quick update and a setback. My wife moved all her belongings out of the house last week. Now we are wrapping up the last of the financial issues. She keeps telling me she is entitled to half the furniture and I say I was entitled to not have a wife screw another guy but we don't always get what we want. I was removing my wife from our credit cards and noticed she has visited OM twice in the other state. Really angered me to know she was spending our money on dinners and hotels to bang this guy. My wife called and I yelled at her and called her every name in the book. First time I have melted down in anger since she admitted the affair 4 months ago. She started crying and I backed down. What a heartless b****. She used our frequent flyer miles to visit OM. She literally doesn't have any problem charging her escapades on our credit card. So disrespectful. Our divorce will be final the first week of May and she can't wait until then. I hate that I feel bad about yelling at her. I am doing really well except when I hear from her. I cannot wait to be rid of her. She doesn't understand why everyone won't just accept what is going on.
 
#337 ·
This is what I think. I think she will continue to tire of guys, not know why and then move on. What makes me sick is that even today, a month plus since she has been gone, I still miss her some days and can't believe this happened. I never saw this coming.
 
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