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Wife is choosing other man

247K views 547 replies 127 participants last post by  Stormguy2018 
#1 ·
I found this board and thought I would start a thread to see if I can get thoughts from others. My Wife is probably too far gone.

Little background on marriage. My Wife and I had a great Marriage and wonderful life. We met when she was 23 and I was 32. Wife is an old soul who likes to sew and cook and comes from a great family where church and family are the focus. She was a late bloomer and really didn't become attractive until college. She is the youngest of 3 daughters. Wife was sweet, loving, loyal and very attractive - perfect wife material. Wife and I were married in 2010 after dating for 3 years. Wife dated one guy all through college before breaking up with him and then meeting me. From the beginning, she was obsessed with me and would not even go out with her friends unless I came too.

We spent all our time together and genuinely loved being with each other. Without a doubt, we were each other’s best friends. Wife was definitely co-dependent on me and I was with her to some extent. I am an attorney and Wife works in insurance and we have no kids so we traveled extensively and generally lived a fun life. My wife complained about very little and never voiced any problems in our marriage. Wife always seemed happy and we almost never fought.

In April 2016, I started a new law firm which began taking up a lot of my time. Wife also started a new job that required her to travel. We seemed to be acclimating fine to this different/stressful time in our lives. I was working particularly long hours in September and October.

In November 2016, I come home from work to find Wife crying on our couch. Wife says she met a male co-worker and they had an affair during 3 week-long business trips (which happened during the period of my birthday and our anniversary). Apparently they really connected and had great passion. Wife says she was lonely and didn't know she was unhappy until she met OM. OM is 35 years old and married with three small children and lives in another state 1000 miles away. I was devastated and never suspected A. Wife tells me she loves me and chooses me over the OM. Wife has deep feelings for OM. Wife sends a no contact text to OM the next day and shows it to me. Wife seemed genuinely remorseful. Wife's two sisters tell me they too had no idea she was in trouble despite talking to her almost everyday. Her entire family is saddened by Wife's actions.

Two weeks later we are boarding a plane for a previously scheduled trip. I look over and see Wife texting OM and I almost have a panic attack. OM has told his wife of the affair but can’t stop thinking of my wife. My wife says OM reached out to her the night before and said “thinking of you”. Wife apologizes and I take her phone and text OM to never contact my wife or I will tell their employer about what is going on. We then start couples counseling. Wife tells counselor she wants to make our Marriage work.

Another two weeks later though, my wife gives me the ILYBNILWY line. I’m stunned. When I challenge her that she barely knows OM she says she's known him "101 days" like a teenager. I'm really concerned I'm losing her. But over the remainder of December, things are actually pretty good as we work on us. On New Year's Eve, we are at a party and Wife says she is thinking of OM. I lose it and tell her I'm done with the marriage.

The next day, Wife is sobbing and tells me she can't live without me, she wishes A never happened and she will quit her job if it means she keeps me. In late January 2017, we go out of town and one night Wife breaks down crying and says she can't get over OM. My heart is broken.

Once back home, Wife tells me she wants to separate so she can have time to think. I tell Wife we can do in-home separation on one condition: that she not contact OM. Wife refuses and I make her leave our home. Two days later Wife contacts OM and finds out he has been kicked out of his house by his wife and lives with his brother now. OM is interested in continuing the A. On February 12, I meet WW and she tells me she is choosing OM over me. Wife says she missed me at first but when she found out OM wasn't with his wife, the separation was easier. I kick Wife out of our house and immediately filed for D. I won't be plan b option.

Since then, I have gone no contact (I also gave up pursuing several weeks earlier). Wife comes by every Sunday to get clothes for work week and to talk about finances/divorce and while she is home she asks how my week has been, etc like nothing is wrong. I can't believe this is the same wife who would eagerly wait for me to come home every day just 6-8 months ago.

Wife wants to move where OM lives even though she has never been to that state, knows no one but OM there, has never lived outside our city, might lose her job and would be leaving all friends and family.

Wife's entire family is against her decision and has helped me through this. They think my Wife is lost and didn't give our M a chance. I did not ask for their help but they desperately want our M to work. Personal friends have called asking if she has a brain tumor because this is not the person they know. This A has almost zero chance of working and there is literally no one encouraging Wife to leave other than OM. Yet here we are. Everyone I tell is stunned that Wife would have an A. It was so out of character for her. She is so distant and uncaring now. We have been together over 9 years and it's like it meant nothing. For someone so obsessed with me, I can't believe our lack of communication doesn't bother her at some level.

Looking back, I can't believe I have put up with all this over the past 3 months. I foresee my Wife returning in the future but I don't know if I would even want her back. Filing for divorce did not snap her out of it. I have lost 20 lbs and am in the best shape I've been in 15 years. Anything else I should be doing? Any words of encouragement? I'd be lying if I said I don't miss her everyday still.
 
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#2 ·
It hurts because you haven't detached and you are waiting for a glimmer of hope and their relationship to fail. She is already lost to you. You need to move on. I will NEVER understand this urge to save a failed marriage. She had an affair, had the gal to text OM in front of you, wont listen to you or her family and wants to leave. Oh and apparently, she wasn't as obsessed as you believe. I'm thinking you were up on that pedestal to her and never noticed any warning signs. Yes, I find your use of the word "obsessed" troublesome.

Move on.
 
#189 ·
She's already chosen the OM, you're not even plan B at this point unless she returns in the future. Be done with her.
I know this advice from the man with no name hurts, Clemson. Trust me, I know. But he's right. You are no Plan B. You're not even a Plan Z. Your wife has moved on without you. This is something you must accept.

I know this because your story is VERY similar to mine. I wasn't just married. I was married to my best friend. We did everything together. We both had the same loves in life. From cooking to gardening to baseball to football, we were simpatico in every way, shape and form. It was a beautiful life. I was very, very happy. Until "it" happened. Normally, it's some event in our lives that changes things. For you, it sounds like work. For me, it was the death of my wife's brother. She simply changed overnight. She became a different woman, and only had eyes for the OM. For a long time I stuck it out, hoping she would come back. I considered myself a Plan B. I wasn't even in the picture. And I'm sorry to say my friend, neither are you.

Someone on this forum put it into pretty good language for me to follow: "The new woman she became murdered your wife. Grieve for her. She's not coming back."

It will be a year in May since she left. The date continues to march closer with every passing day. There are still bad days, but they don't come nearly as often as they once did. While I do know several other men who went through this and wound up reconciling with their wives years after the separation, I wouldn't hold out any hope for that. Still, I can tell you this much. She will begin to miss you. It will take a period of several years for this to happen. But as time moves forward she will begin to remember the things you did together and she will begin to miss you terribly.

But, while it's harder on men during the first year, men also recover faster. While ex-wives head into a funk in the second and third year over what they've done, the husbands pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and start moving again. In my case I had some help from three or four friends who came out of the woodwork. They call or text every week to five days like clockwork. When they sense that I'm getting low, they extend an invitation to dinner. One woman baked me a loaf of banana bread (which was very good). Still another invited me over to a Super Bowl party that he hosted. Doing these things was strange and hard at first. You will be miserable. But it does get better. Trust me, it does.

If your wife ever does come around, and that's a big if, you've got to decide to choose the path of patience and forgiveness, or closing the border. It will be up to you. You will be in control again.
 
#4 ·
I'd let her go, and move on. Work on healing yourself. I'm sorry you find yourself here, you didn't do anything wrong. I'd not compete with another man if I were you, and what they BOTH will find out after their divorces go through, is that all they ended up with...are two cheaters. :eek: If they'll cheat with each other, some day...they will cheat on each other. This is why the marriage rate for people who have relationships from affairs is pretty low. Because nothing good can come from an affair. ''I met my soul mate,'' bla bla...no, you cheated, and met another cheater. lol

Prayers that you stay strong, but for your own sake, let this go...and move on.
 
#5 ·
Of course you miss her. You love your wife and are still in shock over what she has done.

You have to do a few things.

1 Mourn the death of your marriage - your wife killed it with her affair.
2. Mourn the death of your wife - the wife you had is now gone, replaced by this new woman who cares nothing for you and your feelings.
3. Accept that your wife has made her decision. Wish her luck with her new life without you and let her go do what makes her happy, even if you don't think it will work. She is not your concern or problem any longer.
4. Stop talking to her about what you are doing during the week - not her business any longer.
5. Move forward with your life without her.
 
#9 ·
@Clemson, did you notice that the same way she obsessed over you in the beginning, is the same way she is obsessing with this other man? I see a pattern. Your wife has a super co-dependent personality.

The time you two spent working on your career might have played a role in the affair. But that isn't your fault. This is life; sometimes people get busy with life. Not an excuse for her to cheat. She took the easiest way and did not fight for the marriage. She did not express that she was unhappy. She says she didn't know she was unhappy? So she is immature and not self-aware.

She looks like she has moved on. You are going to have to do the same. Don't drink alcohol. Get plenty of sleep. Maybe start exercising. Go 180 on her. Since you two have no children that makes it easier to focus on being a better you.

Godspeed, OP.
 
#14 ·
Thanks Monk. You are not the first person to believe she is super codependent and is now obsessed with this new guy. At the very beginning I asked what the OM's flaws were and she said he has no negative flaws. I'm definitely seeing the same pattern. She is obsessing over a new person like she did with me at the beginning.
 
#11 ·
Let her go.

No kids? That's awesome.

Double down on NC and 180.

Put her things in storage and send her the key. Better yet, take it all to her parents' house and leave it there.

Cut her out of your life to the absolute furthest degree possible: unfriend and block her on social media, change email addresses, phone numbers, etc. Whatever you have to do.

In the future, stay away from women in their early 20's.
 
#15 ·
Cut her out of your life to the absolute furthest degree possible: unfriend and block her on social media, change email addresses, phone numbers, etc. Whatever you have to do.
This x 1000

It might seem like it's a mean thing to do, but it's not. It's so you can heal without being distracted by her mood changes, and her ''I miss you'' texts because the OM is being a jerk on a particular day and she needs your attention to make her feel better. If you keep communication open, that will definitely happen. Nearly every story I've heard when a cheating spouse leaves, they always contact their exes with ''I miss you'' texts, usually because the new relationship isn't working out as they'd hoped. So, to spare yourself that, I'd go no contact, because that is the only way to heal.
 
#12 ·
You have been given the most difficult for you to accept, and the most correct advice possible.

As a man who went through a similar situation and seen others firsthand, I can tell you this. What happened was totally out of your control. This happens sometimes even to "perfect" husbands. You sound like a far better husband than I.

The key to your healing, I have discovered, is acceptance.
You can get closer to acceptance by doing everything you can to move forward in your life without her. Start a new hobby, get a second job, start dating.
Get your mind off her. Fix it, as hard as it will be, so that she has zero contact with you. I know how impossibly hard it is, but seeing it talking to her, even for an instant, will set you. Ack days. No contact. Zero. Accept that she is gone. Once a woman falls out of love with you, it will never truly return.

I'm so sorry.
The good news is, regardless of how differently you feel right now, you- as a good, loyal man--- are a hot item, and it will be easier than you think to find a new woman who actually lives you.

Your wife is a low-character trollip.
Accept it and move on. Do NOT look back.
 
#16 ·
Thanks for the encouragement. Even my wife's sister told my wife that I am a good husband and will make some lucky woman very happy and she is making a mistake. Her other sister is devastated with this divorce and her husband won't talk to my wife anymore. My wife's dad emailed me last week that I am a good man and don't ever forget that. I really was a good husband. We were going to try to have kids in the next couple years and now that is dashed. I'm only 41 but most of my friends are in the young kid stage and don't have time to hang out. At times it has been lonely but I have really worked on bettering myself and my family has been very supportive although they do not live in the area. She is moving all her stuff out next week and then I won't have to see her anymore. The no contact has made it easier. At times I think about how great life was and how our dreams are no longer possible. I am going to start dating in the next couple weeks and I think once I meet someone I have any attraction to it will be helpful.
 
#17 · (Edited)
For you and your future get all of her stuff out now. Don't allow the trickling back and forth.

The 180 or no contact works if you can abide by it. Cut out all the chit/chat engagement. All that does is drag you back down.

Only text or email business or divorced matters only. NEVER answer a phone call directly let it go to voicemail. Anything not divorce or business ignore. No response needed.

If you can't do this you'll just linger in limbo longer than necessary.

Join a gym start working out or walk jog. It'll keep you distracted and help clear your mind.

You didn't cause this so no guilt trips. It avails you nothing.

Sorry you're here
 
#19 ·
I think the issue that's not being addressed here is that your wife was 23 when you met her, and frankly 23 and 32 a a very large difference at that point in life.

You'd lived your 20's, your wife had not. Forget about the "old soul" stuff, your wife wasn't ready to be married. I mean, were you at 23? Clearly not because you waited until you were in your 30's.

Your wife isn't marriage material right now. Might she be some day? Maybe, but at this point a lot of damage has been done by her infidelities, so maybe best for you to move on and find someone a little older that's ready to be married.
 
#20 ·
Fair point about our age difference. That was why we dated 3 years before we got married. So she was 26 when we got married. I wanted to make sure she was in this for real and it wasn't just a honeymoon phase. I know 23 was young but women have been getting married at that age (including my own mother) and younger for a long time. She had a family who strongly valued marriage and was a good girl. It all made me think that her age wasn't a major factor. Apparently I may have been wrong.
 
#24 ·
The weekend visits need to stop. Tell her to arrange to get all her stuff out of the house at one time and be done with it. She is doing this because she wants to keep you attached and she's keeping her options open. She wants her new life, get her junk out and let her live it.

My crazy ex played the weekend pickup a few items each week game for a while, drove me nuts and created a pressure cooker of a situation watching my "old" life being slowly dismantled one box at a time. I finally just packed everything for her and told her to come get it. Then of course the stuff sat in the garage for months. The visits aren't about the items, it's keeping you attached.

Right now she is firmly entrenched in the magic wonderland of affairland. The more everyone tells her it's wrong the more it reinforce's the "against all odds", meant to be with Mr perfect. It's how they think and what they do convincing themselves. Leave her in affairland, cut your deal and divorce her quickly. It's the best move for you because once affairland turns into real life it's rarely a magical place, then the divorce gets harder and more costly.
 
#27 ·
The weekend visits need to stop. Tell her to arrange to get all her stuff out of the house at one time and be done with it. She is doing this because she wants to keep you attached and she's keeping her options open. She wants her new life, get her junk out and let her live it.

My crazy ex played the weekend pickup a few items each week game for a while, drove me nuts and created a pressure cooker of a situation watching my "old" life being slowly dismantled one box at a time. I finally just packed everything for her and told her to come get it. Then of course the stuff sat in the garage for months. The visits aren't about the items, it's keeping you attached.

Right now she is firmly entrenched in the magic wonderland of affairland. The more everyone tells her it's wrong the more it reinforce's the "against all odds", meant to be with Mr perfect. It's how they think and what they do convincing themselves. Leave her in affairland, cut your deal and divorce her quickly. It's the best move for you because once affairland turns into real life it's rarely a magical place, then the divorce gets harder and more costly.
Exactly correct.
 
#25 ·
I'm in no place to give you advice on your situation, but I will tell you this from my experience. Listen to the advice you're given about not being a backup or second choice. Cut out the contact with her unless it's absolutely required. If you don't, you'll end up where I am.....5+ years after the affair, 3 years post divorce, still caught up in the web of keeping contact with an XW who lives with her affair partner. Nothing good comes from that....I'm a poster child trying to move on now when I should have been long ago.
 
#26 ·
Dude she chose another guy over you.

It's over. That's a fact.

What you do with that fact is up to you. I know what I'd do and it wouldn't be posting here asking questions that you already know the answers to.
 
#39 ·
I hear you. I'm just grieving. I know my marriage and wife I loved are dead. Anyone who knows me would not have believed I lasted this long. In fact, when my wife told her sister she was disclosing the A to me, her sister said I'd throw her out of the house and she could stay there. I don't think anyone knows how they would react until it happens to them. I appreciate the tough love comments though. My dad just isn't strong enough guy to give me these kinds of pep talks.
 
#28 ·
Acceptance, grief, anger, detachment, and in the end--- indifference.

Age difference when married? Don't let anyone put this on you.
You did your part as best you could. In the end, you found out she was NOT what you thought she was. Accept it and move forward. Trying to figure out why she did it is a complete waste of time, unless you like pain shopping.
 
#32 ·
@Clemson, you just need to watch out for co-dependency and such emotional hang-ups. You can get yourself another 26 year old and it could work. Majority of affairs in my country happen in the 40s. So, so much for maturity. Age is not always wisdom. You need to work on yourself. That's the main thing that will help you be better able to weed out the unsuitable ones. You were just nine years older than her. That is not that unusual.

Keep on doing what you are doing. It sounds like you are headed in the right direction.
 
#34 · (Edited)
Honestly, it sounds like your wife is in perpetual teenager mode. She fawned over you when you dated, then as soon as the newness wore off and reality set in, she found someone new for her admiration. Reality will come crushing down on her eventually, but you will have moved on by then anyway. You are on the right track. D as soon as possible and move on. I don't see where you have kids, so there's nothing holding you back.

Pack up whatever remains of her clothes and tell her to come get them. Then go completely NC and tell her to not come back again. This is for good and there is no coming back. Get the D finalized and move on.

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk
 
#42 ·
Move on sadly you picked a lemon. She will learn the hard way. You are a lawyer probably make good money sounds like you are still young. There is better out there. Try to use her desire to be with the other man to get the best deal for yourself. See her for what he is not what you thought she was. She may even be bipolar, but you can't fix it. Be happy it happened when you were still in your prime.
 
#43 ·
It took me a couple years to grieve my marriage, wife and future. And we're still together with no infidelity. For me it was a cancer diagnosis so I had to grieve my losses. At this point... I am indifferent to life. I am happier than during the grieving but a lot of the spark in life is gone. Maybe it's just reality that we don't have a future - only a present and MAYBE that will extend for a period of time. Sounds bad but it's not. Just kind of flat. Ha ha lost my point - yeah you can let go too. Mourn your losses. You'll get to acceptance.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
#50 ·
You are right. She is super codependent.

But her loyalty depends on proximity. Who she is near.

The stuff that bound you to her was thread. Her thread was a very light Delft.

Fragile stuff. Any attentive man could have broken that bond.

Think of a friendly She-Cat. The kind that are in perpetual heat.

One stroke.....of her ego and she is yours.

You got the best years of her life. A crass statement, cruel but accurate.

She, at one time worshiped you. Now she has diluted her loving memories with another.

The second and more....coital memories are always less...fulfilling.

Your hearts, both of them were put in Escrow. Not to removed until Death do one partum.

She violated the Living Trust agreement. She violated said trust.

Her Assets in Place were illegally transferred to a third party.

A POSOM in good standing in the Thieves Guild.
 
#54 ·
How do you know the Posom has moved out and is getting a divorce? If your wife told you this it is probably a lie.

Haven't you talked to his wife, she may not even know of the affair? It's rare for an a to have an affair and leave his wife and kids.

Why is she getting an apartment in your town?
 
#59 ·
I don't know for sure that OM's wife knows except I saw his texts and emails sent in December and he was explaining how he told his wife and the books and counseling they were doing. This jives with what my wife said earlier that they agreed to tell their spouses. My wife says he's been kicked out of his house for the 3rd time since the A.

My wife says she is getting an apartment in our town because she wants to decide whether she is moving to OM's state or not. I think everyone is telling her to slow down. Besides OM's state requires he and his wife be separated for a year before they can even file for divorce. Plus I don't know if my wife's job will transfer to OM's state. She really loves her job.
 
#56 ·
Don't try to figure it out Clemson. you will never understand it. She probably doesn't. You will drive yourself Batpoo crazy with that stuff. I know because I did it too. Learn from the experience of others. You won't be miserable forever. One you accept she's gone, you'll get better at an exponential rate.
Until then, you're going to be in this pain. That's what I'm trying to help you with. Accepting it.
Research this stuff. There isn't one damn thing you can do, or could have done about this. It just happens and we have to deal with it. It gets better.
 
#57 ·
If it provides any consolation, my guess is that it's all going to come crashing down. The spoiled wife-child now expected to take care of her boyfriend's kids, without ever having been a mother. No comfort or affirmation from the adult male who's been providing it for years. The boyfriend with at least one foot still in his old marriage--possibly both feet. Affairland is a wonderful fantasy, but reality will rear its head at some point. At that point I expect she'll come crawling back to you. She's underestimated what an important fixture you were in her life. She's a foolish child.

So get the documents squared away and remain civil and polite. I agree about stopping the weekend visits, but you should consider whether these visits are of some strategic advantage to you in the short-term. The friendlier you are up to the date of D, the more likely she is to be agreeable.

Once the documents are final, go completely dark. She's no longer welcome at your house. No calls, no texts. Her stuff gets moved out asap, if you have to do it by hand. You can talk with her family, but do not tell them anything that they might want to pass along to her. She wants to be "friends" so that she won't feel so guilty. Your purpose in life is not to mitigate her guilt or discuss the past with her. Your purpose is to find yourself a wonderful mature woman who loves and respects you and only you. There are millions of women that can fit this bill.
 
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