Wife is choosing other man - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 10:30 AM Thread Starter
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Wife is choosing other man

I found this board and thought I would start a thread to see if I can get thoughts from others. My Wife is probably too far gone.

Little background on marriage. My Wife and I had a great Marriage and wonderful life. We met when she was 23 and I was 32. Wife is an old soul who likes to sew and cook and comes from a great family where church and family are the focus. She was a late bloomer and really didn't become attractive until college. She is the youngest of 3 daughters. Wife was sweet, loving, loyal and very attractive - perfect wife material. Wife and I were married in 2010 after dating for 3 years. Wife dated one guy all through college before breaking up with him and then meeting me. From the beginning, she was obsessed with me and would not even go out with her friends unless I came too.

We spent all our time together and genuinely loved being with each other. Without a doubt, we were each other’s best friends. Wife was definitely co-dependent on me and I was with her to some extent. I am an attorney and Wife works in insurance and we have no kids so we traveled extensively and generally lived a fun life. My wife complained about very little and never voiced any problems in our marriage. Wife always seemed happy and we almost never fought.

In April 2016, I started a new law firm which began taking up a lot of my time. Wife also started a new job that required her to travel. We seemed to be acclimating fine to this different/stressful time in our lives. I was working particularly long hours in September and October.

In November 2016, I come home from work to find Wife crying on our couch. Wife says she met a male co-worker and they had an affair during 3 week-long business trips (which happened during the period of my birthday and our anniversary). Apparently they really connected and had great passion. Wife says she was lonely and didn't know she was unhappy until she met OM. OM is 35 years old and married with three small children and lives in another state 1000 miles away. I was devastated and never suspected A. Wife tells me she loves me and chooses me over the OM. Wife has deep feelings for OM. Wife sends a no contact text to OM the next day and shows it to me. Wife seemed genuinely remorseful. Wife's two sisters tell me they too had no idea she was in trouble despite talking to her almost everyday. Her entire family is saddened by Wife's actions.

Two weeks later we are boarding a plane for a previously scheduled trip. I look over and see Wife texting OM and I almost have a panic attack. OM has told his wife of the affair but can’t stop thinking of my wife. My wife says OM reached out to her the night before and said “thinking of you”. Wife apologizes and I take her phone and text OM to never contact my wife or I will tell their employer about what is going on. We then start couples counseling. Wife tells counselor she wants to make our Marriage work.

Another two weeks later though, my wife gives me the ILYBNILWY line. I’m stunned. When I challenge her that she barely knows OM she says she's known him "101 days" like a teenager. I'm really concerned I'm losing her. But over the remainder of December, things are actually pretty good as we work on us. On New Year's Eve, we are at a party and Wife says she is thinking of OM. I lose it and tell her I'm done with the marriage.

The next day, Wife is sobbing and tells me she can't live without me, she wishes A never happened and she will quit her job if it means she keeps me. In late January 2017, we go out of town and one night Wife breaks down crying and says she can't get over OM. My heart is broken.

Once back home, Wife tells me she wants to separate so she can have time to think. I tell Wife we can do in-home separation on one condition: that she not contact OM. Wife refuses and I make her leave our home. Two days later Wife contacts OM and finds out he has been kicked out of his house by his wife and lives with his brother now. OM is interested in continuing the A. On February 12, I meet WW and she tells me she is choosing OM over me. Wife says she missed me at first but when she found out OM wasn't with his wife, the separation was easier. I kick Wife out of our house and immediately filed for D. I won't be plan b option.

Since then, I have gone no contact (I also gave up pursuing several weeks earlier). Wife comes by every Sunday to get clothes for work week and to talk about finances/divorce and while she is home she asks how my week has been, etc like nothing is wrong. I can't believe this is the same wife who would eagerly wait for me to come home every day just 6-8 months ago.

Wife wants to move where OM lives even though she has never been to that state, knows no one but OM there, has never lived outside our city, might lose her job and would be leaving all friends and family.

Wife's entire family is against her decision and has helped me through this. They think my Wife is lost and didn't give our M a chance. I did not ask for their help but they desperately want our M to work. Personal friends have called asking if she has a brain tumor because this is not the person they know. This A has almost zero chance of working and there is literally no one encouraging Wife to leave other than OM. Yet here we are. Everyone I tell is stunned that Wife would have an A. It was so out of character for her. She is so distant and uncaring now. We have been together over 9 years and it's like it meant nothing. For someone so obsessed with me, I can't believe our lack of communication doesn't bother her at some level.

Looking back, I can't believe I have put up with all this over the past 3 months. I foresee my Wife returning in the future but I don't know if I would even want her back. Filing for divorce did not snap her out of it. I have lost 20 lbs and am in the best shape I've been in 15 years. Anything else I should be doing? Any words of encouragement? I'd be lying if I said I don't miss her everyday still.

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post #2 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 10:40 AM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

It hurts because you haven't detached and you are waiting for a glimmer of hope and their relationship to fail. She is already lost to you. You need to move on. I will NEVER understand this urge to save a failed marriage. She had an affair, had the gal to text OM in front of you, wont listen to you or her family and wants to leave. Oh and apparently, she wasn't as obsessed as you believe. I'm thinking you were up on that pedestal to her and never noticed any warning signs. Yes, I find your use of the word "obsessed" troublesome.

Move on.
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post #3 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 10:41 AM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

You were too wishy washy with your handling of the situation up to the end. She's already chosen the OM, you're not even plan B at this point unless she returns in the future. Be done with her.
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post #4 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 10:46 AM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

I'd let her go, and move on. Work on healing yourself. I'm sorry you find yourself here, you didn't do anything wrong. I'd not compete with another man if I were you, and what they BOTH will find out after their divorces go through, is that all they ended up with...are two cheaters. If they'll cheat with each other, some day...they will cheat on each other. This is why the marriage rate for people who have relationships from affairs is pretty low. Because nothing good can come from an affair. ''I met my soul mate,'' bla bla...no, you cheated, and met another cheater. lol

Prayers that you stay strong, but for your own sake, let this go...and move on.

Every now and then, you fall in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time. - unknown

I'm newly married
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post #5 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 10:46 AM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

Of course you miss her. You love your wife and are still in shock over what she has done.

You have to do a few things.

1 Mourn the death of your marriage - your wife killed it with her affair.
2. Mourn the death of your wife - the wife you had is now gone, replaced by this new woman who cares nothing for you and your feelings.
3. Accept that your wife has made her decision. Wish her luck with her new life without you and let her go do what makes her happy, even if you don't think it will work. She is not your concern or problem any longer.
4. Stop talking to her about what you are doing during the week - not her business any longer.
5. Move forward with your life without her.
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post #6 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 10:50 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by phillybeffandswiss View Post
It hurts because you haven't detached and you are waiting for a glimmer of hope and their relationship to fail. She is already lost to you. You need to move on. I will NEVER understand this urge to save a failed marriage. She had an affair, had the gal to text OM in front of you, wont listen to you or her family and wants to leave. Oh and apparently, she wasn't as obsessed as you believe. I'm thinking you were up on that pedestal to her and never noticed any warning signs. Yes, I find your use of the word "obsessed" troublesome.

Move on.
All good points. 90% of the time I do okay and manage without her. It's the only 10% that suck.
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post #7 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 10:53 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by TDSC60 View Post
Of course you miss her. You love your wife and are still in shock over what she has done.

You have to do a few things.

1 Mourn the death of your marriage - your wife killed it with her affair.
2. Mourn the death of your wife - the wife you had is now gone, replaced by this new woman who cares nothing for you and your feelings.
3. Accept that your wife has made her decision. Wish her luck with her new life without you and let her go do what makes her happy, even if you don't think it will work. She is not your concern or problem any longer.
4. Stop talking to her about what you are doing during the week - not her business any longer.
5. Move forward with your life without her.
Thanks for the encouragement. This is all true.
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post #8 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 10:54 AM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

Where is your wife living? Why do you allow her to keep clothing at your house which causes you to see her weekly?
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post #9 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 10:54 AM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

@Clemson, did you notice that the same way she obsessed over you in the beginning, is the same way she is obsessing with this other man? I see a pattern. Your wife has a super co-dependent personality.

The time you two spent working on your career might have played a role in the affair. But that isn't your fault. This is life; sometimes people get busy with life. Not an excuse for her to cheat. She took the easiest way and did not fight for the marriage. She did not express that she was unhappy. She says she didn't know she was unhappy? So she is immature and not self-aware.

She looks like she has moved on. You are going to have to do the same. Don't drink alcohol. Get plenty of sleep. Maybe start exercising. Go 180 on her. Since you two have no children that makes it easier to focus on being a better you.

Godspeed, OP.

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post #10 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 10:57 AM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by Clemson View Post
All good points. 90% of the time I do okay and manage without her. It's the only 10% that suck.
Good to hear. It'll go away, but there will always be a small part that wants your old life back. As long as you know what it is you'll be fine. Just get yourself to a place of indifference because if it fails, she will suddenly have regret. This will be when your toughest test will begin, if you haven't moved forward.

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post #11 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 11:05 AM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

Let her go.

No kids? That's awesome.

Double down on NC and 180.

Put her things in storage and send her the key. Better yet, take it all to her parents' house and leave it there.

Cut her out of your life to the absolute furthest degree possible: unfriend and block her on social media, change email addresses, phone numbers, etc. Whatever you have to do.

In the future, stay away from women in their early 20's.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #12 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 11:26 AM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

You have been given the most difficult for you to accept, and the most correct advice possible.

As a man who went through a similar situation and seen others firsthand, I can tell you this. What happened was totally out of your control. This happens sometimes even to "perfect" husbands. You sound like a far better husband than I.

The key to your healing, I have discovered, is acceptance.
You can get closer to acceptance by doing everything you can to move forward in your life without her. Start a new hobby, get a second job, start dating.
Get your mind off her. Fix it, as hard as it will be, so that she has zero contact with you. I know how impossibly hard it is, but seeing it talking to her, even for an instant, will set you. Ack days. No contact. Zero. Accept that she is gone. Once a woman falls out of love with you, it will never truly return.

I'm so sorry.
The good news is, regardless of how differently you feel right now, you- as a good, loyal man--- are a hot item, and it will be easier than you think to find a new woman who actually lives you.

Your wife is a low-character trollip.
Accept it and move on. Do NOT look back.
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post #13 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 11:32 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by TDSC60 View Post
Where is your wife living? Why do you allow her to keep clothing at your house which causes you to see her weekly?
She is living with her parents until a lease on an apartment starts next week.
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post #14 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 11:37 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Originally Posted by EunuchMonk View Post
@Clemson, did you notice that the same way she obsessed over you in the beginning, is the same way she is obsessing with this other man? I see a pattern. Your wife has a super co-dependent personality.

The time you two spent working on your career might have played a role in the affair. But that isn't your fault. This is life; sometimes people get busy with life. Not an excuse for her to cheat. She took the easiest way and did not fight for the marriage. She did not express that she was unhappy. She says she didn't know she was unhappy? So she is immature and not self-aware.

She looks like she has moved on. You are going to have to do the same. Don't drink alcohol. Get plenty of sleep. Maybe start exercising. Go 180 on her. Since you two have no children that makes it easier to focus on being a better you.

Godspeed, OP.
Thanks Monk. You are not the first person to believe she is super codependent and is now obsessed with this new guy. At the very beginning I asked what the OM's flaws were and she said he has no negative flaws. I'm definitely seeing the same pattern. She is obsessing over a new person like she did with me at the beginning.
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post #15 of 513 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 11:45 AM
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Re: Wife is choosing other man

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Cut her out of your life to the absolute furthest degree possible: unfriend and block her on social media, change email addresses, phone numbers, etc. Whatever you have to do.
This x 1000

It might seem like it's a mean thing to do, but it's not. It's so you can heal without being distracted by her mood changes, and her ''I miss you'' texts because the OM is being a jerk on a particular day and she needs your attention to make her feel better. If you keep communication open, that will definitely happen. Nearly every story I've heard when a cheating spouse leaves, they always contact their exes with ''I miss you'' texts, usually because the new relationship isn't working out as they'd hoped. So, to spare yourself that, I'd go no contact, because that is the only way to heal.

Every now and then, you fall in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time. - unknown

I'm newly married
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