Something that has kind of tickled the back of my mind after being on this site and several others in regards to cheating.
I have seen many threads where the WS thought (or in their arrogance knew) the BS knew nothing of their dalliances.
When you dig deeper in tothreads where the BS announces their spouse has cheated, after many updates, a pattern always emerges.
Something showed up as a red flag, but the BS ignored or rather, due to ignorance or disbelief,was unable to perceive their spouse cheating.
I read a thread on another site where a woman had an affair.
She knew her BS didn't have any idea she had an affair,
The thread continued on with should she tell or not.
She eventually told.
However, the BS suspected about her affair. He was pretty much aware from nearly the first week.
So in the long run, he actually knew about her undiscoverable affair.
I wonder how many ws have thought they were slick and fooled their spouse only to be surprised to find out that the BS knew all along (or rather I should say suspected).
Not looking for a who or what answer.
Just wondering if anyone else has wondered this.
This is a fascinating subject. But I think there are reason for this. As one of those who was CLUELESS until I found non monogamy books in the trunk of her car, I have always been TOTALLY amazed at how some BH have had more red flags than a bull fight and ignored them. Sometimes in the past I have actually been "pissed" at some of these guys unconsciously for being so naive and ignorant.
How does anyone ignore the following
SUDDENLY LOCKING THE PHONE
SHAVING HER SNATCH OUT OF THE BLUE
COMING HOME AT 4 AM CONSTANTLY OR NOT AT ALL
CUTTING OFF SEX
FINDING THOUSANDS OF TEXTS
I could go on and on. And yet practically every day someone arrives here and still wonders if he has anything to worry about or totally ignored all of the above and more. The answer is denial, the BH's WORST ENEMY.
And at the other end of the extreme are those of us whose WW fall into the category of "relatively happy marriages or very happy marriages" where a wife cheats. our WW are able to totally compartmentalize what they are doing because its just fun and we will never find out. They are able to have sex with us, love the kids, go to all the social events, and carry on the "perfect" marriage.
much harder to catch, ann only me stumbling on to the books clued me in, just as Cam on this forum only got clued in by someone seeing them in public.
I guess that why I kind of trigger when I read a thread with all the red flags where BH is making all sorts of excuses for the wife, blaming himself, and playing ostrich. When you wife cuts off sex, does all of the above red flags, treats you like a doormat, how does anyone ignore that. I will never understand it.
I think the feeling of humiliation at not acting and recognizing what happened contributes a lot to the feeling of emasculation and paralysis when these guys arrive here in despair after watching this go on for months or longer.
Quite honestly that is why there needs to be differing tones of advice if you really want to help someone. A BH who arrives on a forum like this hours after discovering his wifes infidelity is totally different than a guy who arrives after six months of "denial:, and watching the tumor grow. if you regard infidelity like a cancer, your doctor would offer different advice if he found a bump the size of a pin versus a grapefruit.
As far as all the threads having the same things, not sure about that but you can almost bet that these threads that are on page 20 with no action taken are the type you describe where BH knew something but did nothing.
Sorry for the rant.