I know I'm in the wrong but is this normal? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 45 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 02:55 PM
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Re: I know I'm in the wrong but is this normal?

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I wrote an email telling him I needed a few days and that turned into a year.
We never set any rules for the separation as we actually didn't talk about it.
And what was his response when you didn't come home for a few days? A few weeks? Months? Just nothing?

IF that was the case and you didn't set any ground rules then I would say you didn't have an affair. You had a relationship while separated. It really doesn't matter if you told him you were separated or not. You were gone for a WHOLE YEAR. He got the hint. If he said nothing, didn't beg for you back, didn't ask you to stay monogamous, didn't try to see where you were and why you were gone, then he was 100% complicit in the separation. But of course he left things vague so that when you came crawling back and of course got your needs met during the year, he could hold it against you and up his abuse of you. Also he didn't want you asking any pesky questions about what he was doing or who he was sleeping with while you were gone. Seriously, there's nothing to save here.

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post #17 of 45 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 03:07 PM
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Re: I know I'm in the wrong but is this normal?

What in the world did you miss about him exactly? You need to get yourself in to see a therapist ASAP and figure out why you choose to stay in an abusive relationship!
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post #18 of 45 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 03:10 PM
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Re: I know I'm in the wrong but is this normal?

No this is not normal. Your husband's behavior was not normal before you separated from him.

Now that you are back and you told him about you having another relationship, his behavior it to the level of sever emotional abuse.

His behavior is not normal even for someone who has been cheated on. He's a construction worker but he stays on the phone all day with you while he's at work? How do the batteries on his cell phone even last that long? Does his boss know that he is doing this? It's also dangerous for him to be distracted this way.

Your husband's behavior is pathological. You need to leave him. Seriously, why would you continue to live like this?

You wonder why you got back with him. It is not unusual for a person who is abused to have a very strong emotional tie to their abuser. If that extra strong attachment did not exist, they would not stick around for the abuse. Plus, believe it or not, abuse creates a stronger than usual bond. Instead of going back with him, you should have gone to counseling by someone who specializes in abuse.

So, are you going to leave him now?
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post #19 of 45 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 03:14 PM
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Re: I know I'm in the wrong but is this normal?

I don't like the word Normal, because it implies that something that is Common is Acceptable, or even Desirable. For example it is Common that a betrayed spouse is overly suspicious. It is even Acceptable for a short period of time, maybe even 6 months. It is not desirable though because it does not heal or build trust. In order to build trust you have to be able to make a promise and keep it. If he is watching you 24/7 you are not keeping your promise, he is keeping it for you. Do you understand the difference.

There are some other "normal" things going on. It is Common for abusive people to continue the abuse after breaks. Abuse is NEVER acceptable or desirable. It is Normal for abuse victims to return to the abuser or to find another abuser. This is not acceptable because the victim is often physically hurt and in some cases killed. I'm using some very strong words here because this is a Safety issue.

It is also Common for you to feel guilty for what you have done. It is Acceptable for you to take that responcibility. What is not Acceptable is for you to take responcibility for his abusive controlling that was going on before you ever strayed. But that is also Common among victims of abuse. It is Desirable for you to want to save a marriage. it is not advisable for you to stay with this man because the most likely outcomes are Unhappiness, pain , and injury. Please take this seriously.

Physically barring you from leaving a room is usually, the first Physical Abuse. This was his pattern before he had any reason to distrust you.
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post #20 of 45 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 03:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I know I'm in the wrong but is this normal?

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No this is not normal. Your husband's behavior was not normal before you separated from him.

Now that you are back and you told him about you having another relationship, his behavior it to the level of sever emotional abuse.

His behavior is not normal even for someone who has been cheated on. He's a construction worker but he stays on the phone all day with you while he's at work? How do the batteries on his cell phone even last that long? Does his boss know that he is doing this? It's also dangerous for him to be distracted this way.

Your husband's behavior is pathological. You need to leave him. Seriously, why would you continue to live like this?

You wonder why you got back with him. It is not unusual for a person who is abused to have a very strong emotional tie to their abuser. If that extra strong attachment did not exist, they would not stick around for the abuse. Plus, believe it or not, abuse creates a stronger than usual bond. Instead of going back with him, you should have gone to counseling by someone who specializes in abuse.

So, are you going to leave him now?
I know I need a therapist. It is hard when I'm not allowed to leave the house - or talk on the phone since I'm on with him the whole day. I guess this forum is a lifeline for me right now.

I feel I know a need for women who can't get help - a private chat or therapy over email so they can get help and support.
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post #21 of 45 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 03:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I know I'm in the wrong but is this normal?

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I don't like the word Normal, because it implies that something that is Common is Acceptable, or even Desirable. For example it is Common that a betrayed spouse is overly suspicious. It is even Acceptable for a short period of time, maybe even 6 months. It is not desirable though because it does not heal or build trust. In order to build trust you have to be able to make a promise and keep it. If he is watching you 24/7 you are not keeping your promise, he is keeping it for you. Do you understand the difference.

There are some other "normal" things going on. It is Common for abusive people to continue the abuse after breaks. Abuse is NEVER acceptable or desirable. It is Normal for abuse victims to return to the abuser or to find another abuser. This is not acceptable because the victim is often physically hurt and in some cases killed. I'm using some very strong words here because this is a Safety issue.

It is also Common for you to feel guilty for what you have done. It is Acceptable for you to take that responcibility. What is not Acceptable is for you to take responcibility for his abusive controlling that was going on before you ever strayed. But that is also Common among victims of abuse. It is Desirable for you to want to save a marriage. it is not advisable for you to stay with this man because the most likely outcomes are Unhappiness, pain , and injury. Please take this seriously.

Physically barring you from leaving a room is usually, the first Physical Abuse. This was his pattern before he had any reason to distrust you.
This is rather eye opening. And thank you for taking the time to write it.

He had barred me from leaving before, barred me from getting into a car and that has only escalated in that he won't let me leave a room until he's done getting his point across which can take hours.

I think I needed to know I was crazy.
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post #22 of 45 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 03:25 PM
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Re: I know I'm in the wrong but is this normal?

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This is rather eye opening. And thank you for taking the time to write it.

He had barred me from leaving before, barred me from getting into a car and that has only escalated in that he won't let me leave a room until he's done getting his point across which can take hours.

I think I needed to know I was crazy.
If you aren't crazy yet, you will be before long with him.
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post #23 of 45 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 03:26 PM
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Re: I know I'm in the wrong but is this normal?

You need to get to a shelter, or at the VERY least move in with relatives or something. You should NOT spend another minute living with him.
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post #24 of 45 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 03:29 PM
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Re: I know I'm in the wrong but is this normal?

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a private chat or therapy over email so they can get help and support.
Yes this exists. it is only a safety valve but it is the best start for you. National Domestic Violence Hotline
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post #25 of 45 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 03:30 PM
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Re: I know I'm in the wrong but is this normal?

It seems to me that the only thing you did wrong was to go back to your husband. Leave now. Don't make any mistakes that could saddle you with his kid for the rest of your life. He'll abuse both of you...

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post #26 of 45 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 03:50 PM
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Re: I know I'm in the wrong but is this normal?

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I could use some objective insight:
I do want to start off by saying I had the affair and I am not here to justify myself. I am totally in the wrong and I take full responsibility for my actions.
I am asking for help on how I can help my husband with this.

backstory:
I left my husband in November of 2015. I felt I could never do right in his eyes and we fought often. He would accuse me of flirting because I put on makeup that day or wore sexy underwear out of the house. I didn't work outside of the house or leave the house without him expect for dropping off the kids at school, of which he accused me of trying to pick up on the dads at the kids school. I didn't do this.
After awhile this walking on eggshells was to much for me and I left.

We were separated for a year. During which time I didn't apply for a divorce. I'm not sure what kept me holding on.
Also during this time, I did have an affair of which I ended.

I missed my husband and asked him for another chance. I told my husband everything before he decided to give me another chance.

We moved back in together.

I know I hurt my husband and I know my actions were thoughtless and cruel.

My husbands reaction has been severe. He brings it up constantly in little jabs and in full blown arguments. We can hardly have a discussion without it being brought up in some way.

My phone and social media accounts, as well as email are totally open to him of which he does go through.

He doesn't want me to have a job because he thinks I'll sleep with everyone there - so I stay at home.

I can't go outside to walk the dogs because he accuses me of flirting and coming on to everyone I meet. So I never go outside during the day.

He also keeps me on the phone from when he leaves for work until he gets home. (I'm on the phone now). He works in construction so I hear all the noise all day long. I"m asked every 5 minutes what I'm doing. If I am quiet during the day he accuses me of cheating while on the phone with him. If the dogs bark, then I have someone over.

A motorcycle parked next to me more than two days, so to him - I'm having an affair with him and was questioned for a few hours on who it was and how often during the day I cheated on him.

I"m doing everything I can to reassure him.

And I do need to say we've only been back together for 6 months. So I understand what I did continues to hurt him and he has no reason to trust me.

But I feel like I'm in a cage and I get that I did a horrible horrible thing.

But is this normal?
No.
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post #27 of 45 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 04:06 PM
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Re: I know I'm in the wrong but is this normal?

Seems like a huge issue here....you need help ASAP....no way this is anywhere near to what "normal" is. PS I'm a guy...
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post #28 of 45 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 04:16 PM
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Re: I know I'm in the wrong but is this normal?

I do see this as an affair. I see a woman who fled an abusive psycho husband with intent to divorce him, but because of her codependency issues, never pulled the trigger. Then you compounded your prevarication by sleeping with another guy.

Own your sh!t. That is the first step you have to take in order to learn and grow and get out of the mess you are in. Leaving the idiot was not a mistake, but screwing another guy without filing for a divorce or legal separation first was a stupid thing to do. Now you have given your husband all the ammo he needs to discredit you and tear you down even more.

I recommend you leave this turkey and stay gone. File for divorce and let your lawyer handle him. While that is going on, get into therapy and work on yourself. Work on your codependency and your need to hook up with abusive people, because the if you do not change your behaviors, you are doomed to land in another abusive relationship, and then another, and another....and that is an awful way to live.
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post #29 of 45 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 06:20 PM
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Re: I know I'm in the wrong but is this normal?

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Originally Posted by unsureofme View Post
I know I need a therapist. It is hard when I'm not allowed to leave the house - or talk on the phone since I'm on with him the whole day. I guess this forum is a lifeline for me right now.

I feel I know a need for women who can't get help - a private chat or therapy over email so they can get help and support.
This already exists. While it's call "Domestic Violence", they help people with all kinds of abuse. And you are being abused.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support

If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored call the national domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233.
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post #30 of 45 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 06:23 PM
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Re: I know I'm in the wrong but is this normal?

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Originally Posted by unsureofme View Post
This is rather eye opening. And thank you for taking the time to write it.

He had barred me from leaving before, barred me from getting into a car and that has only escalated in that he won't let me leave a room until he's done getting his point across which can take hours.

I think I needed to know I was crazy.
So why are you staying with him now? Why don't you leave?

How does he threat your children. How many children do you have and how old are they?

How old are you and your husband? (this info helps us get a better picture of what's going on)
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