I know I'm in the wrong but is this normal? - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #1 of 45 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 12:41 PM Thread Starter
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I know I'm in the wrong but is this normal?

I could use some objective insight:
I do want to start off by saying I had the affair and I am not here to justify myself. I am totally in the wrong and I take full responsibility for my actions.
I am asking for help on how I can help my husband with this.

backstory:
I left my husband in November of 2015. I felt I could never do right in his eyes and we fought often. He would accuse me of flirting because I put on makeup that day or wore sexy underwear out of the house. I didn't work outside of the house or leave the house without him expect for dropping off the kids at school, of which he accused me of trying to pick up on the dads at the kids school. I didn't do this.
After awhile this walking on eggshells was to much for me and I left.

We were separated for a year. During which time I didn't apply for a divorce. I'm not sure what kept me holding on.
Also during this time, I did have an affair of which I ended.

I missed my husband and asked him for another chance. I told my husband everything before he decided to give me another chance.

We moved back in together.

I know I hurt my husband and I know my actions were thoughtless and cruel.

My husbands reaction has been severe. He brings it up constantly in little jabs and in full blown arguments. We can hardly have a discussion without it being brought up in some way.

My phone and social media accounts, as well as email are totally open to him of which he does go through.

He doesn't want me to have a job because he thinks I'll sleep with everyone there - so I stay at home.

I can't go outside to walk the dogs because he accuses me of flirting and coming on to everyone I meet. So I never go outside during the day.

He also keeps me on the phone from when he leaves for work until he gets home. (I'm on the phone now). He works in construction so I hear all the noise all day long. I"m asked every 5 minutes what I'm doing. If I am quiet during the day he accuses me of cheating while on the phone with him. If the dogs bark, then I have someone over.

A motorcycle parked next to me more than two days, so to him - I'm having an affair with him and was questioned for a few hours on who it was and how often during the day I cheated on him.

I"m doing everything I can to reassure him.

And I do need to say we've only been back together for 6 months. So I understand what I did continues to hurt him and he has no reason to trust me.

But I feel like I'm in a cage and I get that I did a horrible horrible thing.

But is this normal?

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post #2 of 45 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 12:45 PM
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Re: I know I'm in the wrong but is this normal?

I dont understand why you think you had an affair. When you separated was that one of the stipulations (no sex with others) ? My understanding is you were planning to divorce and that is what your husband should have been expecting - you just never got round to it.

Also why did you miss your husband ? From what you say he sounds very insecure and controlling. Unless he has reason to be, he is not an attractive man.

There seems to be some details missing from your story else it is an open and shut case of you should leave and divorce him. Why do you want to stay ?

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post #3 of 45 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 12:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I know I'm in the wrong but is this normal?

I left without him knowing. He has a way of talking me out of things. He also physically bars me from leaving a room or the house. So I didn't think I'd be able to leave if I told him to his face. I wrote an email telling him I needed a few days and that turned into a year.
We never set any rules for the separation as we actually didn't talk about it.

As for missing him - that's a great question. I just started to feel these overwhelming thoughts of missing him. And perhaps it was guilt that I should have ended things before I did anything with another person.

As for why I want to stay - I think again that goes to guilt. He let's me know how much I have hurt him. And I guess I spend so many hours trying to prove myself to him that I think now it's my job to make things right.
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post #4 of 45 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 01:13 PM
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Re: I know I'm in the wrong but is this normal?

Yes, it would be normal for a betrayed husband. But the way you describe him, he was that way before your A. Now he's a jealous maniac on steroids - because you have now confirmed his worst fear.

It's up to you to decide if you can do the heavy lifting in this type of environment. It's one thing to put up with this for a few months; quite another, for the rest of your married life.

I would suggest you two get into MC.
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post #5 of 45 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 01:17 PM
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Re: I know I'm in the wrong but is this normal?

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Originally Posted by unsureofme View Post
He also physically bars me from leaving a room or the house.
That's considered physical abuse in most jurisdictions.

Just say'en.
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post #6 of 45 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 01:24 PM
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Re: I know I'm in the wrong but is this normal?

He doesn't sound like much of a catch. You sound codependent.

Sorry but I wouldn't stay with a guy who is that insecure. Either he tries to reconcile or he doesn't. Instead it just looks like you're caged which isn't reconciliation


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post #7 of 45 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 01:25 PM
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Re: I know I'm in the wrong but is this normal?

You don't have a prayer.

You didn't have a healthy marriage before because of his insecurities.

You then proceeded to hit him as hard as you possibly could in his strongest fear.

I don't believe either of you are healthy enough for a relationship.

You could use some IC to cope and sort your emotions into healthy responses.

He definitely needs IC to develop confidence and overcome radical insecurities and abusive tendencies linked to his insecurities.

I don't think you two have a chance. You definitely don't without professional help.
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post #8 of 45 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 01:30 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I know I'm in the wrong but is this normal?

I agree - we both aren't healthy. I've actually said this to him.
He won't go to counseling - he says he knows what they are all about and that they wouldn't help.
I do think you are right. We don't have a chance. And I do need to make some decisions.
Because I can't go on like this much longer.
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post #9 of 45 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 01:42 PM
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Re: I know I'm in the wrong but is this normal?

I am not sure what you gained by moving back in with your husband, you have just validated everything he was worried about the separation, and now he has created a jail-like world for you, and i suspect that he takes pleasure in punishing you for what ever fear he had created in his mind....for the sake of your life and mental health you need to leave.
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post #10 of 45 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 02:05 PM
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Re: I know I'm in the wrong but is this normal?

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Originally Posted by unsureofme View Post
I agree - we both aren't healthy. I've actually said this to him.
He won't go to counseling - he says he knows what they are all about and that they wouldn't help.
I do think you are right. We don't have a chance. And I do need to make some decisions.
Because I can't go on like this much longer.
You don't have a chance if he doesn't realize pretty quick, that he has to participate in rebuilding the marriage at some point. There's nothing wrong with him expecting new boundaries - like no GNO's, no male friends, total transparency with communication devices, and accounting for your time.

But what you describe is beyond that. It's abusive. If he won't go to counseling or make an effort to be reasonable - best to move on with your life. Make a safe exit plan before you do and be careful. His insecurity is scary.


Last edited by badmemory; 03-06-2017 at 03:27 PM.
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post #11 of 45 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 02:13 PM
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Re: I know I'm in the wrong but is this normal?

So, he went for a whole year without having sex with anyone? Are you sure? Do a little digging and see if you can equalize this situation before dumping his controlling behind.
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post #12 of 45 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 02:24 PM
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Re: I know I'm in the wrong but is this normal?

This sounds over the top even for someone who committed actual infidelity, which I am pretty unclear on since you were separated for a year.

Having come from an abusive relationship, this sound incredibly abusive and controlling to me. Honestly, downright scary. I think you need to get out.

I'll get through this, one day at a time.
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post #13 of 45 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 02:25 PM
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Re: I know I'm in the wrong but is this normal?

Wow - why on earth would you want to stay with this guy? He sounds like a total control freak, and I do mean freak.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
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post #14 of 45 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 02:40 PM
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Re: I know I'm in the wrong but is this normal?

Leave him. Work on yourself. After you've learned why you picked such a rotten human being as your spouse and fixed your "chooser", then find someone who deserves the new and improved you.
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post #15 of 45 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 02:44 PM
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Re: I know I'm in the wrong but is this normal?

Unfortunately it is. This is exactly the reason I did not get back with my ex fiancee after she cheated. I still loved her but I knew that I would forever be suspicious of her and would bring it up in future arguments. I have read articles from Psychologist who warn that the spouse who was cheated on will bring it up often and you need to allow that. You have broken his trust in you and lied to him while cheating. How can you expect him to trust and believe anything you say? I also think it is best to just call it quits if one cheats. Break up not to punish but to be able to live the rest of your life without being under a microscope.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality when the choice is monogamy or your marriage.
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