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post #31 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 07:52 PM
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Re: Second Guessing Decision to Divorce

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Originally Posted by Secondguessing View Post
Thanks everyone for the responses - its really what I wanted hear. Keep moving forward and don't try to reconcile again. I know that's the correct course. I wanted to hear it though and I heard it. But I'm definitely depressed. I keep waking up at like 3 am and can't get back to sleep. I'm not eating. Just after D-Day, I also couldn't eat or sleep but I had a frantic kind of energy that was almost pleasant. Now I just have no energy. I'm thinking about anti-depressants.



I told everyone in my family but telling neighbors would probably humiliate my daughters. And honestly, I don't really give a **** what they think.



For part of the marriage she was. Before the marriage, she had no degree and a crap job. I helped her while she was working on her degree - not financially; she got loans and financial aid - but with things like driving her to school, picking up the kids. Just after D-Day, I was going to leave but I stuck around until she got her degree and landed a job. Now she makes about as much as I do and her earning potential is much greater. I won't be paying spousal support forever, its just that I don't want to pay any. It just doesn't seem right.
"If possible, make a You-Turn"

If possible, stay away from anti-depressants.

They turn you into a zombie and some make your peter soft.

And once on them it is hard to get off them. I dunno, I hate drugs.

If possible, use aerobic exercise to rid yourself of depression.


This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #32 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 07:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Second Guessing Decision to Divorce

@frustratedman

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I've been divorced since mid-May of last year. My XW had a very long EA (probable PA) with her "friend" from work.

Luckily, my ex didn't do any vindictive $#it or come after my money. Even with that, I struggle financially. I purchased a town home in a high cost suburb. There have been times that I couldn't afford things my boys wanted.

Honestly, it has been difficult for my boys. Our marriage lasted 17 years.

All that said, IT FEELS SO GOOD to not have to worry or wonder what she's up to.

I have a GF. When we see each other, there's a lot of getting busy, but it's not the same.

At times, I miss her and the way our family used to be. When those times happen, all I do is pull out my phone and look at the screen shot of the email from her "friend" saying how bad he wants to kiss her. Then, I look at a family pic taken THE VERY NEXT DAY and think "ahhh - I'm over being sad." The sadness sort of turns into anger, then I remember why we divorced. Then, I think of my freedom and my open future. Then, I go back to being awesome.
Thanks for that post - it's almost like we are reading from the same script, right down to the texts I keep on hand to remind me why I had to divorce. Its also hard on my daughters, especially my 9 year old. A few days ago, I got a one word FB text from her: "DADDY!" and that was it. I had to sit down when I read that.

Also, my GF and I get busy and its also not the same; she's like a salve or something. Sometimes I'll think about my wife and I can't perform. Its not fair for her.

I'm hoping once the divorce is final and I'm like a year out from when I finally left, it'll be much better. Someone mentioned "piling new memories on top of the old memories." I guess that's what I'm doing. My GF and I are planning a trip to Shanghai in April and when I think about that, everything is just great. Its the hours in between that get to me. And also like clockwork, every night recently, I wake up at about 3 am and just can't get my mind off my house, my kids and even my wife. Honestly, I really miss her.
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post #33 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 08:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Second Guessing Decision to Divorce

@Sunmars


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If possible, use aerobic exercise to rid yourself of depression.
I'm kind of a stud now. If there was any one good thing about this whole ordeal its that it made me loose weight and got me going to the gym. Exercise is now a huge part of my life.
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post #34 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 08:09 PM
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Re: Second Guessing Decision to Divorce

I completely get it, Secondguessing!

My heart goes out to you.

I think you're right. A year or so after the divorce, your mind will be more at ease!

I'm 41 years old. I started dating my ex when I was a junior in HS. I NEVER in a million years thought that my life would end up like this, but here I am.

As far as money goes, did she really rake you over the coals? Do you have enough to get by, take care of your kids and have a little fun? If you're taking a vacation with your GF, you must be doing ok, right?

Your ex (and mine, for that matter) will one day realize what they discarded in the trash. We will never hear about it, of course. They will regret what they've done and know it was wrong. YOU get to have the clear conscience. Eventually, when your kids are old enough, they will find out what really happened to their family.

Stay strong, man! Know that you will get through these times, work hard, love your kids unconditionally and TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!
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post #35 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 01:18 AM
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Re: Second Guessing Decision to Divorce

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Originally Posted by frustratedman View Post
I guess you could say we had a false R for 3 years. Those 3 years SUCKED!

Time should heal your wounds, friend. Stay strong. Don't consider going back. It's not worth it.
FM........ glad to hear you're doing well. Guess you did realize "the hair doesn't make the man"

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #36 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 01:35 AM
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Re: Second Guessing Decision to Divorce

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Originally Posted by Secondguessing View Post
@frustratedman



Thanks for that post - it's almost like we are reading from the same script, right down to the texts I keep on hand to remind me why I had to divorce. Its also hard on my daughters, especially my 9 year old. A few days ago, I got a one word FB text from her: "DADDY!" and that was it. I had to sit down when I read that.

Also, my GF and I get busy and its also not the same; she's like a salve or something. Sometimes I'll think about my wife and I can't perform. Its not fair for her.

I'm hoping once the divorce is final and I'm like a year out from when I finally left, it'll be much better. Someone mentioned "piling new memories on top of the old memories." I guess that's what I'm doing. My GF and I are planning a trip to Shanghai in April and when I think about that, everything is just great. Its the hours in between that get to me. And also like clockwork, every night recently, I wake up at about 3 am and just can't get my mind off my house, my kids and even my wife. Honestly, I really miss her.
Check out FrustratedMan's thread. It's still here. 2ndG.... you miss what she WAS... not what she IS now.

I spent 15 years with my XW.... we had that unspoken communication, knew what the other

was thinking. I miss that....she had some great qualities. But then there was the bad.......

Was her great qualities enough to deal with her bad? Not hardly. I walked away just over

four years ago, have not regretted it one time. You will not make the same memories, just different

memories. We didn't have kids (thank you God) or it would have been a MUCH bumpier ride.

But pain is pain..... I was there. Does your gf know you are still "well-shaken" from the upcoming D?

Just don't intentionally use her to keep from facing the pain head on about the D.

As for the vaginamony / alimony.... if you make the same amount of money, there is a very

good chance you will not be paying any. Hopefully after 50 / 50 custody you won't get raked over the coals

for child support (I still can't understand why one has to pay ANY if they make same amount $).

What's the deal on the house? Much equity build up?

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #37 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 02:30 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Second Guessing Decision to Divorce

@Chuck71

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Does your gf know you are still "well-shaken" from the upcoming D?
I think she must. For one thing, I now have tremendous trust issues and I can't help wonder if this won't just happen again. She just told me yesterday "I'm not your wife; you can trust me." I quoted back something I just read here: "Absolute trust is a heart attack waiting to happen." She didn't like that.

Quote:
What's the deal on the house? Much equity build up?
That's an interesting legal question. We own one small house outright - that's the house I want. Right before I left, like 2 or 3 months before I left, we bought a large and beautiful house with just 3% down so not much equity in that house. She wants that house and she can have it. She also bought $9,000 worth of new furniture literally the day after we moved in. No way I'm paying for her furniture.
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post #38 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 03:01 AM
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Re: Second Guessing Decision to Divorce

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You should of made a statement when you posted your new FB pic. You should have explained that you two have been trying to R for the past two years due to her infidelity. That she was not willing to come clean about it all and you where tired of going around in circles.

I would still post this. It also sounds like you didn't expose the affair as well.
Times have really changed. My grandmother use to say you air your dirty laundry. Facebook made it the trendy thing to do. I'm still trying to figure out the benefits of letting everybody know your personal business.

If you don't embody controversy, what you say will become just another part of the media driven culture of stifling thought and debate about issues.
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post #39 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 05:50 AM
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Re: Second Guessing Decision to Divorce

No one here is going to say divorce is easy or peachy. It can, however, be amicable if both parties choose it to be so.

The problem is being coldly logical when there are always feelings involved.

Your social media picture with your gf was like a giant "__ you" to your stbx.

The message has been received. Just carry on and get the business done. From here on out, try to remain diplomatic. Leave feelings out of it.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #40 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 05:59 AM
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Re: Second Guessing Decision to Divorce

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Originally Posted by Secondguessing View Post
@Chuck71



I think she must. For one thing, I now have tremendous trust issues and I can't help wonder if this won't just happen again. She just told me yesterday "I'm not your wife; you can trust me." I quoted back something I just read here: "Absolute trust is a heart attack waiting to happen." She didn't like that.



That's an interesting legal question. We own one small house outright - that's the house I want. Right before I left, like 2 or 3 months before I left, we bought a large and beautiful house with just 3% down so not much equity in that house. She wants that house and she can have it. She also bought $9,000 worth of new furniture literally the day after we moved in. No way I'm paying for her furniture.
1-You're on the hook for that furniture too. Use that to bargain.

2-She wants the new house, bargain that to get the old house without losing as much equity.

If she wants the new nice house for herself, she can kiss vaginamony goodbye.

If your name is on the mortgage or deed to the old house, YOU MOVE BACK IN TONIGHT

Pop in, ask the "misses" -what's for dinner darling-


A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #41 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 09:14 AM
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Re: Second Guessing Decision to Divorce

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Times have really changed. My grandmother use to say you air your dirty laundry. Facebook made it the trendy thing to do. I'm still trying to figure out the benefits of letting everybody know your personal business.
Just a way for him to stop his WW from spreading her lies. With everyone unfriending him on FB, it stands to reason she is telling everyone a story.
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post #42 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 11:02 AM
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Re: Second Guessing Decision to Divorce

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That's an interesting legal question. We own one small house outright - that's the house I want. Right before I left, like 2 or 3 months before I left, we bought a large and beautiful house with just 3% down so not much equity in that house. She wants that house and she can have it. She also bought $9,000 worth of new furniture literally the day after we moved in. No way I'm paying for her furniture.
I don't know the specific details of your financial situation but from what you wrote above you are in line for a painful reality check. You sound just like most clueless people entering a divorce, including me about 10 years ago when mine first started.

We all say that.

No way I'm paying for ___________! (Because it's "not fair")

Fill in the blank with "her debts" or "her retirement with my hard earned pension" or "a mortgage on a house I don't even live in" or "support for a wife who can just go get a job but doesn't because she's lazy".

If I had to wager a guess based on the paragraph you wrote above, you definitely WILL be liable for at least half of her debts (maybe more if you make more money) including the furniture you'll never use and the house you won't ever live in again.

There's nothing fair about divorce, and split second decisions are made by a man or woman in a robe who will see 20 cases just like yours in any given day and they can't or just don't really care about how it might affect you, they just look at the raw numbers (income, assets) and split it roughly down the middle with adjustments made so each party walks away with what the court may randomly decide is a fair decision.

You want certainty? Then try to work out a settlement with her. Otherwise expect to walk out of the courtroom with your head spinning and wondering how you're going to be able to survive on what you're left with.

Edited to add. I just went back and read your first post, where you wrote "I just spend $2000 on a lawyer". That's small change compared to what it will cost you if the divorce becomes highly litigated. That's why you might have to make some huge concessions so that it doesn't cost you even more than giving her a generous settlement would.
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post #43 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 11:14 AM
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Re: Second Guessing Decision to Divorce

You have no reason to second guess yourself. Let's go down the list objectively:

1) She cheated...obvious
2) She used you to support her while she went to school, then rewards you by cheating on you;
3) She lies to her friends and neighbors about the reason for the split;
4) She did not show transparency or remorse during R;


I do not need to go further. What is there to save here, or to second guess yourself about? This is a woman who may very well have never really loved you the way a wife should love her husband. She liked having you there to support her while she got her act together, and you were handy to father her children for her (hopefully they are yours). You served your purpose and she no longer had need of you, so she looked for love and excitement elsewhere.

I don't see what the question is here. Seems pretty cut and dry to me.
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post #44 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 12:08 PM
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Re: Second Guessing Decision to Divorce

If you are already exercising and still feeling depressed theres nothing wrong with trying an antidepressant IMO. I went on Wellbutrin 2 years ago. It was like a little miracle. It gives you back the ability to feel pleasure. It is beneficial to the libido.
Just saying...I have no desire to ever get off of it. Life has promise.
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post #45 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 02:12 PM
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Re: Second Guessing Decision to Divorce

You are about to go through a major life change. Of course you are second guessing and apprehensive. Bottom line is your stbxw is no
good. No remorse, still not being honest, lying to friends etc.. You busted your ass supporting her and she repaid you by screwing some dude over and over. If she cared she would be on her hands and knees begging you to stay. She's probably more worried about what her friends will think, which explains her lying, and her meal ticket than she is about you. It's time to get on with the rest of your life my friend. This chapter should be over.
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