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post #46 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 02:52 PM
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Re: Second Guessing Decision to Divorce

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Times have really changed. My grandmother use to say you air your dirty laundry. Facebook made it the trendy thing to do. I'm still trying to figure out the benefits of letting everybody know your personal business.
I don't think that there are any in general. In some situations exposure may help bust up an affair, but just giving the neighbors and friends material to gossip about seems to me not to help anything much.

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post #47 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 07:56 PM
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Re: Second Guessing Decision to Divorce

@ Secondguessing- Do you have an original post up that describes what transpired? I tried to look it up under your public profile but couldn't find it.
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post #48 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 08:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Second Guessing Decision to Divorce

@browser

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I don't know the specific details of your financial situation but from what you wrote above you are in line for a painful reality check. You sound just like most clueless people entering a divorce, including me about 10 years ago when mine first started.

We all say that.

No way I'm paying for ___________! (Because it's "not fair")

Fill in the blank with "her debts" or "her retirement with my hard earned pension" or "a mortgage on a house I don't even live in" or "support for a wife who can just go get a job but doesn't because she's lazy".

If I had to wager a guess based on the paragraph you wrote above, you definitely WILL be liable for at least half of her debts (maybe more if you make more money) including the furniture you'll never use and the house you won't ever live in again.
Great - another thing to keep me up at night!

It might not be as bad as you say though because for one thing, she has a well paying job and for another, I have quite a bit of my own debt that I took on during our marriage. If debt is split 50-50, it might just be a wash.

I do have a legal question. I basically refuse to be raked over in this divorce. As I understand it, the consequences for not paying alimony or spousal support or whatever its called are no where near as severe as not paying child support. Of course I will pay child support, and I honestly don't care my daughters are biologically mine or not. Of course the thought crossed my mind but that's one stone I'm leaving unturned.

What if I just refuse to pay spousal support?
What can be done about that?
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post #49 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 08:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Second Guessing Decision to Divorce

@nursejackie

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If you are already exercising and still feeling depressed theres nothing wrong with trying an antidepressant IMO. I went on Wellbutrin 2 years ago. It was like a little miracle. It gives you back the ability to feel pleasure. It is beneficial to the libido. Just saying...I have no desire to ever get off of it. Life has promise.
I heard anti-depressants cause erectile dysfunction and I have recently been struggling with that. I think its physiological ED and fatigue plus the stress of divorce. I've never had this issue before but its come on recently. On the other hand, it does suck being depressed.
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post #50 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 08:38 PM
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Re: Second Guessing Decision to Divorce

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@browser



Great - another thing to keep me up at night!

It might not be as bad as you say though because for one thing, she has a well paying job and for another, I have quite a bit of my own debt that I took on during our marriage. If debt is split 50-50, it might just be a wash.

I do have a legal question. I basically refuse to be raked over in this divorce. As I understand it, the consequences for not paying alimony or spousal support or whatever its called are no where near as severe as not paying child support. Of course I will pay child support, and I honestly don't care my daughters are biologically mine or not. Of course the thought crossed my mind but that's one stone I'm leaving unturned.

What if I just refuse to pay spousal support?
What can be done about that?
Two lawyers, a judge, stenographer, bailiff, and soon-to-be ex-wife can laugh at you, or, if you're really determined, you can go to jail.

Still, there's no guarantee that you'll have to pay spousal support.

You should be talking to a lawyer -- if not lawyers -- first thing tomorrow morning.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #51 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 08:40 PM
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Re: Second Guessing Decision to Divorce

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What if I just refuse to pay spousal support?
What can be done about that?
From what I understand the penalty is not as stiff for not paying spousal support. You still go to jail but they put you in a cell with a big white guy not a black one.
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post #52 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 08:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Second Guessing Decision to Divorce

@frustratedman

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Do you have an original post up that describes what transpired? I tried to look it up under your public profile but couldn't find it.
I haven't posted details because there isn't much to tell. I had no idea anything was going on. Everything seemed fine. We cuddled all the time, after 2 kids and 8 years into marriage, we had sex twice a week, held hands, cuddled, talked. I had no gut feelings, nothing what so ever made me think she was having an affair. I don't know how common that is, but it came out of the blue.

Anyway, the POS wife is the one who let me know; she suspected because her POS husband is a serial cheater and she knew the signs. She found texts and shared them with me and that was that. I showed them to my wife, she broke down crying and I almost left on the spot. My mom convinced me to stay until she got her degree and found a job.

The outcome for me is that now I'm always suspicious and that really really sucks. But there was nothing I could tell in her behavior that indicated she was having an affair.
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post #53 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 08:54 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Second Guessing Decision to Divorce

@browser and @GusPolinski

Seriously though - based on what do I pay spousal support? Other than the mortgage on the "big house" that she wants, I actually have more debt than she does.

Of course I have a lawyer. She wants us to mediate. If it comes down to it, I'll pay a reasonable amount of temporary support but a life-time of it? It sounds like a reward for being a cheater.
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post #54 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 09:05 PM
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Re: Second Guessing Decision to Divorce

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@browser and @GusPolinski

Seriously though - based on what do I pay spousal support? Other than the mortgage on the "big house" that she wants, I actually have more debt than she does.

Of course I have a lawyer. She wants us to mediate. If it comes down to it, I'll pay a reasonable amount of temporary support but a life-time of it? It sounds like a reward for being a cheater.
As I suggested to another poster on an unrelated thread- if you pm me your location and an approximate salary comparison between you and your soon to be exwife I can give you a rough idea of how much spousal support you can expect to pay and for how long, and I'll give you the link to the excellent source that I got it from.

I will tell you this much, the debt and the mortgage have little to do with the amount and duration of spousal support which is determined almost everywhere by salary, and the laws of that particular state in terms of how long- most states no longer order permanent alimony and some are at the other end of the spectrum where spousal support of any kind is rarely awarded, most fall somewhere in between.

Large asset awards can and often do reduce support obligations. If your salaries are about the same there probably won't be any spousal support, temporary or otherwise.

As far as support being a "reward" for a cheater.. it happens ALL the time. Typical scenario. Man marries wife, has 3 kids, a house, a mortgage. She cheats, they divorce, she gets the house, custody, child support and spousal support and he gets visitation with the kids every other weekend and once during the week and has maybe enough money left for a small apartment. Even worse, sometimes the betrayed husband gets to watch the OM move into his old house and take over what used to be his life.
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post #55 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 09:17 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Second Guessing Decision to Divorce

@browser

I just PMd you.

My lawyer did a child support calculation based on our incomes and that number was very reasonable, unless she was just blowing smoke up my a$$.

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post #56 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 09:40 PM
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Re: Second Guessing Decision to Divorce

I responded to your pm, you happen to live in a state where alimony is not heavily awarded and when it is it's not for very long. Child support is based on very specific formulas relating to income so it should be easy enough to get a fairly exact figure, except that you don't know what percentage of custody you're going to get and that makes a big difference in your state.
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post #57 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 10:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Second Guessing Decision to Divorce

@browser

Quote:
I responded to your pm, you happen to live in a state where alimony is not heavily awarded and when it is it's not for very long. Child support is based on very specific formulas relating to income so it should be easy enough to get a fairly exact figure, except that you don't know what percentage of custody you're going to get and that makes a big difference in your state.
Finally, some good news!
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post #58 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 11:04 PM
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Re: Second Guessing Decision to Divorce

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@frustratedman



I haven't posted details because there isn't much to tell. I had no idea anything was going on. Everything seemed fine. We cuddled all the time, after 2 kids and 8 years into marriage, we had sex twice a week, held hands, cuddled, talked. I had no gut feelings, nothing what so ever made me think she was having an affair. I don't know how common that is, but it came out of the blue.

Anyway, the POS wife is the one who let me know; she suspected because her POS husband is a serial cheater and she knew the signs. She found texts and shared them with me and that was that. I showed them to my wife, she broke down crying and I almost left on the spot. My mom convinced me to stay until she got her degree and found a job.

The outcome for me is that now I'm always suspicious and that really really sucks. But there was nothing I could tell in her behavior that indicated she was having an affair.
So it was a full on PA. Did the POS' wife indicate how long it had been going on? I'm trying to get a better understanding of your perspective.

For me, if my ex would have admitted to a PA, that would have sealed the deal, no questions, no counseling and no possibility of reconciliation. Honestly, it would have actually made my situation better. My ex only admitted to an EA.

So I can understand why you filed, 100%! Although you may be suffering with sadness at times and waking up in the middle of the night, I believe this is just a phase that will pass, in time. You will eventually look back and be glad she's no longer your wife.

For me, I would never be ablw to have sex without thinking about POS, which means he wins, which is unacceptable. Self respect trumps all that, no matter how much it hurts!
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post #59 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 11:39 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Second Guessing Decision to Divorce

@frustratedman

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So it was a full on PA. Did the POS' wife indicate how long it had been going on? I'm trying to get a better understanding of your perspective.
The texts the POS' wife sent covered a 3 month period but from the very first text, they were involved in a full-on, unprotected sex type affair. My wife says the affair only lasted 3 months - from the date of the first text to the date of the last text. That's why I'm saying her time-line doesn't make sense. Going by everything that I have read on affairs, and I have read SO MUCH about affairs over the last 2 years, that just doesn't happen. There are stages to affairs. According to my wife, they would have met and almost immediately launched a full blown PA.

What are the odds that she is telling the truth?

It goes against everything I've read about affairs and it just seems convenient that she met the guy on the date of the first text and ended the affair on the date of the last text. I just don't buy it.

Quote:
For me, I would never be ablw to have sex without thinking about POS, which means he wins, which is unacceptable. Self respect trumps all that, no matter how much it hurts!
Actually, for months after D-Day, all I wanted to do was have sex with my wife. I can verify that hysterical bonding is real but also that it wears off and I was just left with a cheating wife. And yes, whenever I looked at her, I saw the POSOM
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post #60 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 02:01 AM
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Re: Second Guessing Decision to Divorce

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@browser



Great - another thing to keep me up at night!

It might not be as bad as you say though because for one thing, she has a well paying job and for another, I have quite a bit of my own debt that I took on during our marriage. If debt is split 50-50, it might just be a wash.

I do have a legal question. I basically refuse to be raked over in this divorce. As I understand it, the consequences for not paying alimony or spousal support or whatever its called are no where near as severe as not paying child support. Of course I will pay child support, and I honestly don't care my daughters are biologically mine or not. Of course the thought crossed my mind but that's one stone I'm leaving unturned.

What if I just refuse to pay spousal support?
What can be done about that?
I don't understand why you think you will be paying spousal support. If you make around the same there will not be spousal support.
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