Second Guessing Decision to Divorce - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 10:30 PM Thread Starter
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Second Guessing Decision to Divorce

I've been visiting this site for about a year now and it helped convince me to file for divorce After I discovered my wife's affair, I tried to reconcile. That attempt lasted about 2 years, during which time I was constantly angry, obsessed with the details of her affair, constantly imagining what she had done with this guy, I was always convinced she was still cheating - it was just awful.

Anyway, 5 months ago I left and filed for divorce. The constant sense of anger, the mind-movies, the obsession with the other man and her affair has gotten much better and I can almost say that I've moved on from that. HOWEVER, I'm now depressed about the impending divorce, I'm worried about the loss of assets and having to pay spousal support. It just seems like one set of issues has been replaced by another set of issue, which will end up making me a poorer man. Nothing seems to help. I have a girlfriend now but I'm still thinking about the life I had with my wife, our kids, our house - I just don't know. I remember the how angry I was and I remember it was also a nightmare but I just can't feel it so it seems unreal. What I feel now is mostly sad.

How long does this last?

I really want to call her and try to reconcile again but I'm guessing I'll just get angry all over again. Plus I've already spent $2000 on a lawyer.

Has anyone gone through this?

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post #2 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 10:35 PM
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Re: Second Guessing Decision to Divorce

What have you heard from her? Has she tried to reach out to you? Or has she already moved on herself?
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post #3 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 10:59 PM
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Re: Second Guessing Decision to Divorce

Of course it's hard. Anything worthwhile usually is. Not everyone can get over infidelity. Two years is a long time. Why waste more?

Did she pull her way during R?
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post #4 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 11:12 PM
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Re: Second Guessing Decision to Divorce

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Originally Posted by Secondguessing View Post
I've been visiting this site for about a year now and it helped convince me to file for divorce After I discovered my wife's affair, I tried to reconcile. That attempt lasted about 2 years, during which time I was constantly angry, obsessed with the details of her affair, constantly imagining what she had done with this guy, I was always convinced she was still cheating - it was just awful.

Anyway, 5 months ago I left and filed for divorce. The constant sense of anger, the mind-movies, the obsession with the other man and her affair has gotten much better and I can almost say that I've moved on from that. HOWEVER, I'm now depressed about the impending divorce, I'm worried about the loss of assets and having to pay spousal support. It just seems like one set of issues has been replaced by another set of issue, which will end up making me a poorer man. Nothing seems to help. I have a girlfriend now but I'm still thinking about the life I had with my wife, our kids, our house - I just don't know. I remember the how angry I was and I remember it was also a nightmare but I just can't feel it so it seems unreal. What I feel now is mostly sad.

How long does this last?

I really want to call her and try to reconcile again but I'm guessing I'll just get angry all over again. Plus I've already spent $2000 on a lawyer.

Has anyone gone through this?
You've started moving on from the affair only because you have removed the trigger, your stbx. If you go back and try to repair your marriage most likely the anger and obsession will return. How much did your stbx try and repair the marriage in the first attempt at R?

Losing assets/alimony sucks and it's all part of divorce however the longer you stay married the more it costs to end it. At some point you need to decide to cut your losses.

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday
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post #5 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 11:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Second Guessing Decision to Divorce

My wife did not want to divorce and during the first 2 months after I filed she reached out several times and we even spent a few days together during the 5 months we have been separated. The 3 days were mostly good but I kept bringing up the affair and she said she was just so tired of it. After I met my girlfriend, I made my profile picture of me and her in an intimate pose. Once I did that, my wife defriended me on FB and we haven't spoken since. In fact, all our mutual FB friends defriended me en-masse and I'm guessing they only know 1/2 the story.

I don't think my did all she needed to do to reconcile. The biggest issue was her time line doesn't make sense and whenever I pointed out inconsistencies, she would shut-down.
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post #6 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 11:50 PM
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Re: Second Guessing Decision to Divorce

The fact she hasn't fought for you tells you everything you need to know. Don't ever be the one who wants it more.
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post #7 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 12:37 AM
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Re: Second Guessing Decision to Divorce

We all fear change & the finality of the divorce makes this change very real. You've done the hard part - you left her and have begun to heal. If you get back with her it will be the same old $hit-sandwich & the same old mind-movies. She IS your trigger. Stay away from her and you heal. Simple as that.

You can make more money. You can't make her un-**** the OM.
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post #8 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 12:49 AM
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Re: Second Guessing Decision to Divorce

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Originally Posted by WorkingOnMe View Post
The fact she hasn't fought for you tells you everything you need to know. Don't ever be the one who wants it more.
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post #9 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 01:23 AM
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Re: Second Guessing Decision to Divorce

She honestly didn't sound that motivated or maybe capable of giving what was needed for a successful R.

She needed to do the heavy lifting and simply didn't.

If she gave you the answers to the timeline discrepancies and answered all your questions while doing her best to R would you have had a better time overcoming your anger and mind movies?
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post #10 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 01:37 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Second Guessing Decision to Divorce

You guys can be brutally honest - basically you all seem to be saying she wasn't willing to fight for me and didn't really care about me. I guess I agree.

@ConanHub

I honestly don't think anything would help me get over it. I think I read on this site that some people can move on from an affair and some people can't. Personally, for two years, its about all I ever thought about. Now all I can think about is how I'll get raked over in the divorce and anger has been replaced by sad.

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post #11 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 02:16 AM
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Re: Second Guessing Decision to Divorce

The anger and anguish will never go away. Not for you.

The feelings will only lessen as other memories pile on top of the old.

For these feelings to go away would require you to not value them.....her, any more.

Remember in high school, how you hated some people. Do you still hate them?

Probably not. You put those people in context. They are not worth thinking about anymore.

You relegated those bad thoughts to the trash bin in your mind.

Memories, even bad ones, are there for a reason. In this case? To make you stronger, to teach you something. Not to make you happy. Nope, does not work that way.

Unconditional trust, is a heart attack waiting to happen. Exercise your heart, not your naïveté.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #12 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 06:18 AM
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Re: Second Guessing Decision to Divorce

with hindsight, you should have made it known why your were divorcing before posting a pic with your new girl. that probably isn't helping your recovery.
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post #13 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 07:39 AM
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Re: Second Guessing Decision to Divorce

As long as she is renting space in your head you wont move on.

Money comes and goes. Its really that simple. What you loose in D you can try to make up for over time.

Its going to be a new you and a new future. Everyday YOU have a choice. It really is a choice! You can either wallow about it, be miserable, think about what ifs and think about your cheating POS stbxw.

OR

you can embrace it, look forward to rebuilding, enjoy the challenge life brought your way, and treat your GF great and bang the crap out of her!.

Which mindset would you rather have? Which seems more happy to you? I know its easier said then done but the sooner you realize its a choice your making the sooner you can change your perspective.
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post #14 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 08:04 AM
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Re: Second Guessing Decision to Divorce

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Originally Posted by WorkingOnMe View Post
The fact she hasn't fought for you tells you everything you need to know. Don't ever be the one who wants it more.
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Question - Are you happy?

If YES - You have chosen wisely!
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post #15 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 08:21 AM
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Re: Second Guessing Decision to Divorce

Frankly, it sounds like she was never transparent with you.

I can understand why you were never settled in reconciliation because, without transparency, the foundation of trust cannot be rebuilt.

You are better off without her.

Also, if your girlfriend thinks you are serious, you are going to need to have a talk with her as well. It is not right to hang on to her while you still hold such strong feelings for your STBX.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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