Do cheaters always cheat again? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

 78Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #16 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 10:04 AM
Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 2,300
Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

one size does not fit all.

i would categorize cheaters into 2 broad categories.

A) the first is people who are basically healthy, but for maybe certain key weaknesses or faults that may lead them into
circumstances where their guard is down and they make a terrible decision.
they are not serial cheaters. they are once in a lifetime or at most twice very maybe.

B) the other are seriously flawed individuals usually with personality disorders and abusive or dysfunctional adolescence who have a propensity to lie and cheat.

of course the distinction between these two types sometimes becomes blurry within the broad spectrum.

the two cheaters in my life belonged to category (B). with red flags a wavin', i ventured forth blinded by love, naivety and denial, but such is life.
and the weird thing is............i have no regrets.

jorgegene is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #17 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 10:17 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Southeast
Posts: 4,290
Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

Obviously, repeated cheating depends on the person. Some never cheat again and some continue the rest of their lives. My ex-H promised that never again would I have the slightest reason to doubt him. He lied. R is always a risk for that reason.
Openminded is offline  
post #18 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 10:36 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 153
Quote:
Originally Posted by jorgegene View Post
one size does not fit all.

i would categorize cheaters into 2 broad categories.

A) the first is people who are basically healthy, but for maybe certain key weaknesses or faults that may lead them into
circumstances where their guard is down and they make a terrible decision.
they are not serial cheaters. they are once in a lifetime or at most twice very maybe.

B) the other are seriously flawed individuals usually with personality disorders and abusive or dysfunctional adolescence who have a propensity to lie and cheat.

of course the distinction between these two types sometimes becomes blurry within the broad spectrum.

the two cheaters in my life belonged to category (B). with red flags a wavin', i ventured forth blinded by love, naivety and denial, but such is life.
and the weird thing is............i have no regrets.

Interesting point. I cheated on my boyfriend in college. We were high school sweet hearts. But, it was because he cheated on me a few times and I didn't want to end the relationship but wanted payback. So immature at the time. But the reason I have never cheated again is because of the immense guilt I felt after. I felt so guilty, I wished to never feel that way again.

I think I can categorize my husband as option B.
adegirl2016 is offline  
 
post #19 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 10:36 AM
Member
 
LosingHim's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Nowhere near where it's sunny enough to make me happy
Posts: 273
Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

Some, not all.

I'd never do it again. 4 years later I don't look at myself the same. There isn't a day that goes by that what I did doesn't get in my head somehow. The guilt, the shame, the self hating because of it. I can't ever call myself a good person again.

I'll throw myself in front of a bus before I'd do it again.

I'll get through this, one day at a time.
LosingHim is offline  
post #20 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 10:41 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 153
Quote:
Originally Posted by LosingHim View Post
Some, not all.

I'd never do it again. 4 years later I don't look at myself the same. There isn't a day that goes by that what I did doesn't get in my head somehow. The guilt, the shame, the self hating because of it. I can't ever call myself a good person again.

I'll throw myself in front of a bus before I'd do it again.
Exactly. I think if someone can feel THIS kind of guilt, they'd never do it again.
adegirl2016 is offline  
post #21 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 10:48 AM
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 76
Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

Quote:
Originally Posted by adegirl2016 View Post
Interesting point. I cheated on my boyfriend in college. We were high school sweet hearts. But, it was because he cheated on me a few times and I didn't want to end the relationship but wanted payback. So immature at the time. But the reason I have never cheated again is because of the immense guilt I felt after. I felt so guilty, I wished to never feel that way again.
This raises an interesting point that I've been pondering lately. I think a lot of people in the wider world *think* they understand cheating because it's relatively commonplace during the dating phase (if not in absolute terms then at least because people have comparatively more dating partners than marriage partners so it seems more frequent). As a result, people often think they have some insight into what marital infidelity is because they have seen, or have themselves, been unfaithful during dating. But I think this is a misnomer, and the two are dramatically different.

That's not to say cheating during dating is acceptable, it's absolutely not, but it's also sort of "baked into" the process. Dating is itself a process of meeting many different people and deciding what traits in a partner you like best, in that way infidelity during dating is a perverse variation on a theme (again, NOT acceptable, but also not completely out of left field).

Marital infidelity differs in that you have ostensibly "decided" who your best partner is and made the promises in front of friends, family, the government, etc. That is (for me) what makes the pain an order of magnitude harder to bear -- dating in infidelity is a variation on the core process, infidelity in marriage is a rejection and destruction of that process.

But, in my mind, that also means that a person who cheated during dating (for the record, I never did) shouldn't carry that burden so heavily. It wasn't a great look, but it wasn't the end of the world either, it was just a slightly messier breakup in my opinion.

Anyway, random thoughts on a Tuesday morning...
JayOwen is offline  
post #22 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 11:25 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 3,606
Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

Quote:
Originally Posted by adegirl2016 View Post
So do cheaters always cheat again? Do you believe the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater". Why or why not? Personal experience?
No I think people who experience shame can change. It takes something very powerful to change them though.

It's not just cheating, from what I see they are just not really good at being spouses. They are self-centered with poor boundaries, impulse control and the lot. They need a lot of work to change, if they even want to. Then you have to waste all this time with them learning to just be productive spouses, like years and years. While also dealing with all the fallout and living with your trigger. Is it really worth the effort? You don't think you could meet and fall in love with someone else? In your case you kid will still have it's father, that doesn't change.

Also personally I would never trust someone who said they cheated because of poor circumstances. One sure fact of life is circumstances change. Just because you are happily married today doesn't mean you won't be tomorrow. If you are not cheating because you are happy or your circumstances are great that is really not the right reasons.

Last edited by sokillme; 03-07-2017 at 11:34 AM.
sokillme is online now  
post #23 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 11:30 AM
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 1,456
Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

I'd wager an educated guess that a person is quite likely to cheat again on the same partner but with a new partner with whom the relationship is more balanced, with the needs of both partners being met, with good open communication, the odds can and probably do decrease dramatically.

My GF of 5 years cheated multiple times on her exhusband as the marriage was entering its death throes, and while I don't condone her cheating I can understand why she had no feelings of loyalty towards him. He was just BAD, in so many ways.

None of those things exist in our relationship, I have no reason to think she would. Of course we aren't married so I'd like to think even in a worst case scenario, if she wanted out, she wouldn't feel trapped, as so many married people do, so she could just leave if she wasn't happy. I know I would.
browser is offline  
post #24 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 11:39 AM
Member
 
MAJDEATH's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 1,013
It depends on what phase in life the former cheaters are in, an who their partner is (if any). By cheater, I assume you mean marital infidelity.

I equate this to unwed young moms who have already had a baby. Perhaps before they were nieve to the ways of preventing pregnancy or could be manipulated by smooth talking guys. They also were unaware about what pregnancy, delivery, and caring for a baby was all about.

Married women who cheated for the first time may have had similar circumstances and didn't realize the effects on family, friends, coworkers, OMW/OWH, etc. There may have been some manipulation at play as well.

But if it happens again (assuming the previous A was discovered or confessed to) they know full well the potential fall-out from their actions. I have had many friends in the military who cheated more than once, and they all knew fully well what they were doing.

My W cheated multiple times, partly because I told her to, and partly because she wanted to. After the first time I suspect it got easier for her, and she started picking married guys. So yes cheaters will in all likelihood cheat again, they definitely have the capability if the right circumstance presents itself and they want to.
MAJDEATH is offline  
post #25 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 11:45 AM
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 1,456
Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MAJDEATH View Post
My W cheated multiple times, partly because I told her to, and partly because she wanted to.
I just know when I see a new post by @MAJDEATH I will read it and find myself shaking my head, and this one is no exception.

Your wife did NOT cheat on you because you told her to. You got the second half right but you didn't put the 100% emphasis on it that it deserves.

browser is offline  
post #26 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 11:45 AM
Member
 
Hope1964's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Alberta
Posts: 8,668
Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

Once someone has cheated, they can never undo it. They will always have cheated. That doesn't mean they will cheat again though. People CAN change, and learn from their mistakes. Just like someone who murders someone will always have murdered that person, but that doesn't mean they will murder again.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
Hope1964 is offline  
post #27 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 11:46 AM
Member
 
Hope1964's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Alberta
Posts: 8,668
Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

To carry the murder analogy further, you have serial killers, and then you have the abused wife who kills her husband so that he stops. You can't even compare the two.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
Hope1964 is offline  
post #28 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 11:49 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 153
Quote:
Originally Posted by MAJDEATH View Post
It depends on what phase in life the former cheaters are in, an who their partner is (if any). By cheater, I assume you mean marital infidelity.

I equate this to unwed young moms who have already had a baby. Perhaps before they were nieve to the ways of preventing pregnancy or could be manipulated by smooth talking guys. They also were unaware about what pregnancy, delivery, and caring for a baby was all about.

Married women who cheated for the first time may have had similar circumstances and didn't realize the effects on family, friends, coworkers, OMW/OWH, etc. There may have been some manipulation at play as well.

But if it happens again (assuming the previous A was discovered or confessed to) they know full well the potential fall-out from their actions. I have had many friends in the military who cheated more than once, and they all knew fully well what they were doing.

My W cheated multiple times, partly because I told her to, and partly because she wanted to. After the first time I suspect it got easier for her, and she started picking married guys. So yes cheaters will in all likelihood cheat again, they definitely have the capability if the right circumstance presents itself and they want to.

I like this too. Perfect example. So in my case, my husband has been caught in an EA years ago. You would think that after that falling out, he would have never wanted that to happen again.
But he did. And it was physical this time.
Even worse.
This thread is just confirming my thoughts on this.
Thanks guys
adegirl2016 is offline  
post #29 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 11:51 AM
Member
 
LosingHim's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Nowhere near where it's sunny enough to make me happy
Posts: 273
Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

Quote:
Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
No I think people who experience shame can change. It takes something very powerful to change them though.

It's not just cheating, from what I see they are just not really good at being spouses. They are self-centered with poor boundaries, impulse control and the lot. They need a lot of work to change, if they even want to. Then you have to waste all this time with them learning to just be productive spouses, like years and years. While also dealing with all the fallout and living with your trigger. Is it really worth the effort? You don't think you could meet and fall in love with someone else? In your case you kid will still have it's father, that doesn't change.

Also personally I would never trust someone who said they cheated because of poor circumstances. One sure fact of life is circumstances change. Just because you are happily married today doesn't mean you won't be tomorrow. If you are not cheating because you are happy or your circumstances are great that is really not the right reasons.
Id say that can be false. Im an amazing wife short of what I did 4 years ago for 30 seconds. I cook dinner roughly 5 nights a week, almost every time what he would prefer to eat. Hes diabetic, I cater my menu to him and make sure he has things hes supposed to eat. I do all of the grocery shopping, couponing, carrying in and putting away. I do all of the cleaning, all of the laundry, all of the running of the kids. I pay all of the bills, budget all of the money. I take care of the dogs, buy all of their food, take them to the vet, take them on walks and car rides, give them their baths. I pick up his medication and his insulin. If Im out driving around running errands and he texts and says he wants something, Ill stop and get it, even if its out of the way. Sometimes, Ill drive it all the way home and go back out to finish my stuff just so he can have what he needs. If he plops his foot on my lap, he gets a foot rub. He gets back rubs several nights a week. He doesnt leave the couch on weekends while I work from sun up to sun down on household chores. I work overtime at my primary job and have a second job to help pay the bills. If he mentions he wants something, he gets it. I shower him with affection, non stop. I hug him 2-3 times a day, kiss him more than that and sex is at his fingertips any time he wants it 5-7 times a week. If we go on a date, we do what HE wants, even for my birthday. We finally got to go on our first vacation last year. We went where he wanted to go. I give him random gifts just because. I tell him please and thank you for everything and I tell him I appreciate the things that he does. Ive extended more forgiveness to this man than any one person ever should. Im decent looking, Im in good shape. I get along with his friends, hes never told he cant do something like hang out with the guys. He does guy stuff 3-4 times a week, every week I could go on, and on and on. Not everyone who cheats is a sh*tty spouse.

I'll get through this, one day at a time.
LosingHim is offline  
post #30 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 11:51 AM
Member
 
BetrayedDad's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 3,022
Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ConanHub View Post
My wife cheated in both her marriages before meeting me and was the OW twice.

She has been a model for sexual fidelity with me however.

Both her previous husbands cheated on her first
Quote:
Originally Posted by adegirl2016 View Post
I cheated on my boyfriend in college. We were high school sweet hearts. But, it was because he cheated on me a few times
I personally don't really consider revenge affairs "cheating" or at least not in the same category.

What's good for the goose, is good for the gander in my opinion. The POS's who started it, had it coming.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. - Maya Angelou

Last edited by BetrayedDad; 03-07-2017 at 11:57 AM.
BetrayedDad is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Questions for cheaters that are remorseful thread the needle General Relationship Discussion 21 08-16-2016 07:37 PM
"Women More Likely To Cheat Than Men, According To Science" DayOne The Social Spot 84 04-11-2016 09:35 AM
Contemplating to cheat - what would you do in my shoez Katy123 Coping with Infidelity 53 03-21-2016 10:48 AM
A Public Service Announcement for Remorseless Cheaters Truthseeker1 Coping with Infidelity 14 02-24-2016 12:15 PM
Examples of the cheater's Script in this thread A resource. MattMatt Coping with Infidelity 300 10-17-2015 12:59 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome