Do cheaters always cheat again? - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #31 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 11:55 AM Thread Starter
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No I think people who experience shame can change. It takes something very powerful to change them though.

It's not just cheating, from what I see they are just not really good at being spouses. They are self-centered with poor boundaries, impulse control and the lot. They need a lot of work to change, if they even want to. Then you have to waste all this time with them learning to just be productive spouses, like years and years. While also dealing with all the fallout and living with your trigger. Is it really worth the effort? You don't think you could meet and fall in love with someone else? In your case you kid will still have it's father, that doesn't change.

Also personally I would never trust someone who said they cheated because of poor circumstances. One sure fact of life is circumstances change. Just because you are happily married today doesn't mean you won't be tomorrow. If you are not cheating because you are happy or your circumstances are great that is really not the right reasons.
I?d say that can be false. I?m an amazing wife short of what I did 4 years ago for 30 seconds. I cook dinner roughly 5 nights a week, almost every time what he would prefer to eat. He?s diabetic, I cater my menu to him and make sure he has things he?s supposed to eat. I do all of the grocery shopping, couponing, carrying in and putting away. I do all of the cleaning, all of the laundry, all of the running of the kids. I pay all of the bills, budget all of the money. I take care of the dogs, buy all of their food, take them to the vet, take them on walks and car rides, give them their baths. I pick up his medication and his insulin. If I?m out driving around running errands and he texts and says he wants something, I?ll stop and get it, even if it?s out of the way. Sometimes, I?ll drive it all the way home and go back out to finish my stuff just so he can have what he needs. If he plops his foot on my lap, he gets a foot rub. He gets back rubs several nights a week. He doesn?t leave the couch on weekends while I work from sun up to sun down on household chores. I work overtime at my primary job and have a second job to help pay the bills. If he mentions he wants something, he gets it. I shower him with affection, non stop. I hug him 2-3 times a day, kiss him more than that and sex is at his fingertips any time he wants it ? 5-7 times a week. If we go on a date, we do what HE wants, even for my birthday. We finally got to go on our first vacation last year. We went where he wanted to go. I give him random gifts just because. I tell him please and thank you for everything and I tell him I appreciate the things that he does. I?ve extended more forgiveness to this man than any one person ever should. I?m decent looking, I?m in good shape. I get along with his friends, he?s never told he ?can?t? do something like hang out with the guys. He does ?guy stuff 3-4 times a week, every week? I could go on, and on and on. Not everyone who cheats is a sh*tty spouse.
Hey there!!
You might be the type A that a previous poster talked about. One time thing. Remorse afterwards. You don't sound like the type that would do it over.

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post #32 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 11:57 AM Thread Starter
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My wife cheated in both her marriages before meeting me and was the OW twice.

She has been a model for sexual fidelity with me however.

Both her previous husbands cheated on her first
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I cheated on my boyfriend in college. We were high school sweet hearts. But, it was because he cheated on me a few times
I personally don't really consider revenge affairs "cheating" or at least not in the same category.

What's good for the goose, is good for the gander in my opinion. They POS's who started it, had it coming.
Not going to lie.
My dad said to do whatever the hell I want to from now on (until I file for D in a few months)
Thinking about taking him up on it. My husband is a serial cheater.
I don't even think my husband would care, actually.
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post #33 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 12:02 PM
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Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

Why cheat just because your dad has given you a free pass??? You can never undo it, you know. Once you cheat, you will always have cheated. You WILL always be a cheater.

I wouldn't do it. I'm better than that.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #34 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 12:05 PM
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Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

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My dad said to do whatever the hell I want to from now on (until I file for D in a few months)
I get that you don't owe your soon to be exhusband anything.

I'm not getting why you put so much stock into what your Dad says, as if he's some all knowing guru that has the ultimate say in what is right and wrong and what you can and should do in your life.

I mean, if you're 10 years old, that's one thing. But I'm thinking you're a bit older than that, and you're an adult capable of making your own decisions.
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post #35 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 12:10 PM
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Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

Just file for legal separation and you can bang whoever you want. Tell him the marriage is over, you are done, move out and be free.

Just don't cheat.

I'll get through this, one day at a time.
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post #36 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 12:24 PM
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Cool Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

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So do cheaters always cheat again? Do you believe the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater". Why or why not? Personal experience?
Not necessarily, but it could certainly reoccur!

Let's just say that a confirmed cheater already knows the ropes enough that a second episode could definitely chance itself again!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #37 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 12:57 PM
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Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

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Just file for legal separation and you can bang whoever you want. Tell him the marriage is over, you are done, move out and be free.

Just don't cheat.
exactly, if it's not worth divorcing then it's not worth cheating and if it IS worth divorcing ... then just do that first.

Maintain the high road AND get what you want, win-win.
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post #38 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 12:59 PM
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Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

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I don't even think my husband would care, actually.
He stopped caring about you a LONG time ago... You don't hurt people you love.

IF he did get upset, it would be because of his ego being bruised from easily replacing him.

Not cause you "broke his heart". Cheaters are the ultimate narcissists. They think the world revolves around them.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou

Last edited by BetrayedDad; 03-07-2017 at 01:04 PM.
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post #39 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 01:05 PM
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Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

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This raises an interesting point that I've been pondering lately. I think a lot of people in the wider world *think* they understand cheating because it's relatively commonplace during the dating phase (if not in absolute terms then at least because people have comparatively more dating partners than marriage partners so it seems more frequent). As a result, people often think they have some insight into what marital infidelity is because they have seen, or have themselves, been unfaithful during dating. But I think this is a misnomer, and the two are dramatically different.

That's not to say cheating during dating is acceptable, it's absolutely not, but it's also sort of "baked into" the process. Dating is itself a process of meeting many different people and deciding what traits in a partner you like best, in that way infidelity during dating is a perverse variation on a theme (again, NOT acceptable, but also not completely out of left field).

Marital infidelity differs in that you have ostensibly "decided" who your best partner is and made the promises in front of friends, family, the government, etc. That is (for me) what makes the pain an order of magnitude harder to bear -- dating in infidelity is a variation on the core process, infidelity in marriage is a rejection and destruction of that process.

But, in my mind, that also means that a person who cheated during dating (for the record, I never did) shouldn't carry that burden so heavily. It wasn't a great look, but it wasn't the end of the world either, it was just a slightly messier breakup in my opinion.

Anyway, random thoughts on a Tuesday morning...
I can't vouch for cheating (never did it), but being cheated on during dating vs being married is absolutely on different levels. It doesn't even compare. I've dealt with both and the pain and heartache is a million times worse when married. Unless you've experienced both, you have no idea.
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post #40 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 01:25 PM Thread Starter
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My dad said to do whatever the hell I want to from now on (until I file for D in a few months)
I get that you don't owe your soon to be exhusband anything.

I'm not getting why you put so much stock into what your Dad says, as if he's some all knowing guru that has the ultimate say in what is right and wrong and what you can and should do in your life.

I mean, if you're 10 years old, that's one thing. But I'm thinking you're a bit older than that, and you're an adult capable of making your own decisions.
My dad raised me and my 3 brothers on his own. I have mad respect for him and his opinions.
I am not saying that is what I am going to do. He was basically telling me to mentally detach from him until I am in a better place financially. I said this bc a previous poster mentioned revenge affairs, not bc it was my plan.

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post #41 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 01:27 PM Thread Starter
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I don't even think my husband would care, actually.
He stopped caring about you a LONG time ago... You don't hurt people you love.

IF he did get upset, it would be because of his ego being bruised from easily replacing him.

Not cause you "broke his heart". Cheaters are the ultimate narcissists. They think the world revolves around them.
Yeah... he has some narc characteristics for sure.
I agree about him not caring about me.
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post #42 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 02:43 PM
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Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

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I personally don't really consider revenge affairs "cheating" or at least not in the same category.

What's good for the goose, is good for the gander in my opinion. The POS's who started it, had it coming.
I have a hard time arguing with that line of reasoning.

I don't think RA's are a healthy response but I don't think they are in the same category either.
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post #43 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 02:51 PM
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Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

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I have a hard time arguing with that line of reasoning.

I don't think RA's are a healthy response but I don't think they are in the same category either.
No - they're in the category of "So, if your best friend jumped off a bridge................"

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #44 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 03:00 PM
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Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

I did'nt read all the rteponses OP, but the person who predicts the answer to your question accurately will be an instant billionaire because they will have solved the "infidelity" riddle.

I think if you do some reading you will find that the PERCENTAGES of a cheater cheating again are greater, especially if they have basically gotten away with it with no real consequences. If a bank robber robs a bank and gets away with $100,000, you think he or she might be more likely to try it again???

Cheaters, especially ones who don't get caught, are probably much more likely to have some fun again. As a matter of fact, I have read that some think the MAJORITY of infidelity is never caught. That is probably true for those that do a ONS, but just like in Vegas, when you will some money, they are counting on your not leaving the casino because the odds favor the house. Most cheaters go back for "seconds" and then you have an affair and then most do get caught.

So the answer is no cheaters don't always cheat again but your odds are not so great that it is not more likely to happen again.
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post #45 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 03:16 PM
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Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

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Once someone has cheated, they can never undo it. They will always have cheated. That doesn't mean they will cheat again though. People CAN change, and learn from their mistakes. Just like someone who murders someone will always have murdered that person, but that doesn't mean they will murder again.
This is how I see it. The only thing I would add is I see them like alcoholics so there is an inherent risk.
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