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post #46 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 03:17 PM
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Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

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No - they're in the category of "So, if your best friend jumped off a bridge................"
The BEST course of action is to straight up dump the cheat. Always. As stated, RA's aren't healthy.

If you can't bring yourself to leave, then the BS is entitled to whatever healing process they see fit.

That includes RA's if that's what it takes. If we're talking metaphors, I prefer, "You reap what you sow..."


“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #47 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 03:19 PM
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Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

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So do cheaters always cheat again? Do you believe the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater". Why or why not? Personal experience?
I think it varies from cheater to cheater and the dynamic of the current relationship.

My ex husband was cheated on by his first wife. AFAIK he never cheated on her and was devastated by her cheating.

But at the time of our divorce I learned he cheated on me every chance he got. With years of hindsight, it pains me to say this, but I really think it was me. He just wasn't that into me. He liked me just fine, but really needed me to raise his three kids that he had custody of. Personality wise, I think I was just too easy/submissive for him. Not challenging enough to really capture his passion. When we divorced he told me about all his cheating and his explanation was "he thought it would be fun."

He's now married for the fifth time and I don't know but I get the impression he would not cheat on his current wife. No idea about the others. I think age, stage in life, opportunity, level of feeling toward mate, relationship dynamic can all affect whether or not someone cheats.

So: Once a cheater NOT NECESSARILY always a cheater, but if I learned the person I'm dating cheated in the past? I think I would end things. Even if I trusted them to not cheat on me, the thought that they would do that to anyone would really bother me.
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post #48 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 03:23 PM
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Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

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But at the time of our divorce I learned he cheated on me every chance he got. With years of hindsight, it pains me to say this, but I really think it was me. He just wasn't that into me. He liked me just fine, but really needed me to raise his three kids that he had custody of. Personality wise, I think I was just too easy/submissive for him. Not challenging enough to really capture his passion. When we divorced he told me about all his cheating and his explanation was "he thought it would be fun."
You couldn't be more wrong. I'm sorry you have absorbed part of the blame for actions squarely under his control. You didn't make him an immoral POS. It had nothing to do with you.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #49 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 03:28 PM
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Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

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I have a hard time arguing with that line of reasoning.

I don't think RA's are a healthy response but I don't think they are in the same category either.
Definitely not a healthy response. Hard to blame someone for an RA though. However, I think there are blurred lines. An RA soon after discovery makes a lot more sense to me. Your world’s been torn apart, you feel horrible, there’s sadness, anger, disbelief, hatred but also love, confusion….an immediate RA – maybe in the first 6 months, makes a lot of sense. So many hurt feelings and confusion. An RA a year later, 2 years, 3 – 10? That to me isn’t revenge anymore. You know how it feels, you know how it hurts, but yet you’re going to purposely do that to someone? Doesn’t really matter if they hurt you or not. To know how it feels, to have been through that pain and then to purposely do it anyway….that’s a special kind of punishment IMO. And if revenge to that level is in your mind, why are you in R anyway?

I'll get through this, one day at a time.
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post #50 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 03:31 PM
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Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

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An RA soon after discovery makes a lot more sense to me. Your world’s been torn apart, you feel horrible, there’s sadness, anger, disbelief, hatred but also love, confusion….an immediate RA – maybe in the first 6 months, makes a lot of sense. So many hurt feelings and confusion. An RA a year later, 2 years, 3 – 10? That to me isn’t revenge anymore.
I agree with this. Some men need this to reclaim their masculinity or women their desirability. Who the hell is the WS to judge after what they did?

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #51 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 03:33 PM
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Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

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I’d say that can be false. I’m an amazing wife short of what I did 4 years ago for 30 seconds. I cook dinner roughly 5 nights a week, almost every time what he would prefer to eat. He’s diabetic, I cater my menu to him and make sure he has things he’s supposed to eat. I do all of the grocery shopping, couponing, carrying in and putting away. I do all of the cleaning, all of the laundry, all of the running of the kids. I pay all of the bills, budget all of the money. I take care of the dogs, buy all of their food, take them to the vet, take them on walks and car rides, give them their baths. I pick up his medication and his insulin. If I’m out driving around running errands and he texts and says he wants something, I’ll stop and get it, even if it’s out of the way. Sometimes, I’ll drive it all the way home and go back out to finish my stuff just so he can have what he needs. If he plops his foot on my lap, he gets a foot rub. He gets back rubs several nights a week. He doesn’t leave the couch on weekends while I work from sun up to sun down on household chores. I work overtime at my primary job and have a second job to help pay the bills. If he mentions he wants something, he gets it. I shower him with affection, non stop. I hug him 2-3 times a day, kiss him more than that and sex is at his fingertips any time he wants it – 5-7 times a week. If we go on a date, we do what HE wants, even for my birthday. We finally got to go on our first vacation last year. We went where he wanted to go. I give him random gifts just because. I tell him please and thank you for everything and I tell him I appreciate the things that he does. I’ve extended more forgiveness to this man than any one person ever should. I’m decent looking, I’m in good shape. I get along with his friends, he’s never told he “can’t” do something like hang out with the guys. He does “guy stuff 3-4 times a week, every week” I could go on, and on and on. Not everyone who cheats is a sh*tty spouse.
With all do respect though very sacrificial and giving I think what you described there is more akin to a Mother child relationship (excluding the sex of course), not a husband and wife. I wonder if this contributed to the cheating in some way. I wonder if there were not so covert contracts being set up by you. "I will basically give you everything you want, but you have to give me everything I want".

This kind of thinking is not a healthy way to think of a marriage and with all do respect isn't what a man of character wants of his wife. I personally would be embarrassed if my wife had to do all these things for me. In the same respect I expect my wife to be my partner not my kid (if you get the analogy). I am trying really hard here not to put you down because I absolutely believe that your motives were right, but I think what your idea of a good wife is and what a good wife should be are different, at least for what I would want in a wife.

There is something to be said for you partner challenging you and also expecting you to live up to their reasonable expectations. So forgive me again but in reading you posts and hearing these things I think you need to work through some of this stuff. I would bet that some of this kind of thinking lead to that 30 seconds. It wasn't a healthy dynamic and in a way you enabled it. You should read "No more Mr nice guy", it's written for men but I think it could fall under some of this.

Just my two cents.
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post #52 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 03:36 PM
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Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

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I personally don't really consider revenge affairs "cheating" or at least not in the same category.

What's good for the goose, is good for the gander in my opinion. The POS's who started it, had it coming.
I see what you are saying, but I respectfully disagree. I took my vows seriously. I'm proud of myself for remaining faithful all 22+ years of marital misery.
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post #53 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 03:37 PM
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Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

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I agree with this. Some men need this to reclaim their masculinity or women their desirability. Who the hell is the WS to judge after what they did?
How does lowering oneself to the level of the WS 'reclaim their masculinity'? I don't get it.

The WS has no right to judge. Future potential mates do, though. To me it's just icky and degrading, and if I knew a guy had done this I'd probably not want a relationship with him. If one of my kids was contemplating a RA I'd be telling them in no uncertain terms it was a BAD idea.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.


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post #54 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 03:40 PM
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Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

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I see what you are saying, but I respectfully disagree. I took my vows seriously. I'm proud of myself for remaining faithful all 22+ years of marital misery.
I have never cheated either, including RAs. That's not me, I'd rather leave. I simply would NEVER fault anyone who did.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #55 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 03:43 PM
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Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

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Originally Posted by Hope1964 View Post
How does lowering oneself to the level of the WS 'reclaim their masculinity'? I don't get it.

The WS has no right to judge. Future potential mates do, though. To me it's just icky and degrading, and if I knew a guy had done this I'd probably not want a relationship with him. If one of my kids was contemplating a RA I'd be telling them in no uncertain terms it was a BAD idea.
Respectfully disagree and I appreciate what you are saying. It's not the same thing to me.


“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #56 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 03:48 PM
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Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

Personally I never understood this question around the aftermath of cheating, to me it doesn't matter if they will do it again, once is enough. I think the better question is what kind of people do you allow in your romantic-life? How do you expect to be treated and what are the ramifications of the person treating you in such a poor way? What would it say to other, as far as how I demand to be treated, when I am willing to continue in the most personal way with the person who has hurt me the most. What does it do to ones soul and self respect if someone can abuse them and yet you still maintain such a close and dependent relationship? Is this really a healthy choice?

I would and have asked myself what kind of person am I if I let someone treat me so poorly and continue to associate with them? What does that say about my feeling of morality? Where does the reconciliation start to encroach on my dignity?

No person is worth my honor, even if that person is me wanting to R. I have always said if someone blatantly cheated I would adamantly reject R, if I were to change my mind at that point, what kind of person would I be.

I am sure this thinking is very foreign to many.
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post #57 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 03:49 PM
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Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

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You couldn't be more wrong. I'm sorry you have absorbed part of the blame for actions squarely under his control. You didn't make him an immoral POS. It had nothing to do with you.
Thank you for the kind words. I agree I am not responsible for his being an immoral POS. I was crazy about him at the time and treated him and his children wonderfully. He was in the navy and went out to sea a week after we got married and later told me he slept with someone else in the first port he hit. He didn't even TRY to be faithful. I bear no blame for that.

However, had I had more strength and self respect I never would have married someone like him in the first place. So no, I am not responsible for him being a POS, but I am in my 50's in my second marriage that has lots of problems (though no cheating!) and I realize that at some point I have to take responsibility for how I let other's treat me. I don't cause other's to do wrong, but it is my fault if I have low standards and bury my head in the sand and let other people manipulate, use and abuse me.
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post #58 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 03:50 PM
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Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

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With all do respect though very sacrificial and giving I think what you described there is more akin to a Mother child relationship (excluding the sex of course), not a husband and wife. I wonder if this contributed to the cheating in some way. I wonder if there were not so covert contracts being set up by you. "I will basically give you everything you want, but you have to give me everything I want".

This kind of thinking is not a healthy way to think of a marriage and with all do respect isn't what a man of character wants of his wife. I personally would be embarrassed if my wife had to do all these things for me. In the same respect I expect my wife to be my partner not my kid (if you get the analogy). I am trying really hard here not to put you down because I absolutely believe that your motives were right, but I think what your idea of a good wife is and what a good wife should be are different, at least for what I would want in a wife.

There is something to be said for you partner challenging you and also expecting you to live up to their reasonable expectations. So forgive me again but in reading you posts and hearing these things I think you need to work through some of this stuff. I would bet that some of this kind of thinking lead to that 30 seconds. It wasn't a healthy dynamic and in a way you enabled it. You should read "No more Mr nice guy", it's written for men but I think it could fall under some of this.

Just my two cents.
My marriage is sh*t and I’m fully aware of it. My point is, I take care of my husband in ways most men won’t be taken care of. He’s spoiled like a child, I’d do anything for him. He has little responsibility and has all the fun he wants to have. His friends have told him several times he has no idea how good he has life.

He doesn’t want a partnership. I really don’t think he wants a marriage in any way. He want(s)(ed) someone to be there for him, to take care of him, love him, put him on a pedestal and give him sex. He has no desire to do the work that marriages take. I’m to be the happy, doting wife and nothing more. I shouldn’t expect anything from him in return. Other than now, since he got flat out caught cheating but doesn’t want to lose his cushy life, he’s NICE to me. NICE. He’s trying to fix 11 years of sh*t with NICE. My husband doesn’t want what most people want out of a marriage. He doesn’t understand what it’s supposed to be.

There was no covert contract on my behalf. I never planned to do what I did. I never even knew I was susceptible to it. I had poor boundaries and a f*cked up brain that ate up attention. Nothing more.

I'll get through this, one day at a time.
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post #59 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 03:53 PM
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Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

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Respectfully disagree and I appreciate what you are saying. It's not the same thing to me.
What do you disagree with? I'm trying to understand

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.


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post #60 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 03:54 PM
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Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

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I think it varies from cheater to cheater and the dynamic of the current relationship.

My ex husband was cheated on by his first wife. AFAIK he never cheated on her and was devastated by her cheating.

But at the time of our divorce I learned he cheated on me every chance he got. With years of hindsight, it pains me to say this, but I really think it was me. He just wasn't that into me. He liked me just fine, but really needed me to raise his three kids that he had custody of. Personality wise, I think I was just too easy/submissive for him. Not challenging enough to really capture his passion. When we divorced he told me about all his cheating and his explanation was "he thought it would be fun."

He's now married for the fifth time and I don't know but I get the impression he would not cheat on his current wife. No idea about the others. I think age, stage in life, opportunity, level of feeling toward mate, relationship dynamic can all affect whether or not someone cheats.

So: Once a cheater NOT NECESSARILY always a cheater, but if I learned the person I'm dating cheated in the past? I think I would end things. Even if I trusted them to not cheat on me, the thought that they would do that to anyone would really bother me.
You are wrong. You do have issues but they involve you taking personally responsibly for a man who is a serial cheater. He would have cheated on Sophia Loren. There was nothing you could do nor being exciting enough to stop him. He is defective. You really need to change your thinking on this. Your husband was never a husband, just a bum.

It's great that you want to take responsibility and maybe even address your issues but you need to identify the right issues. Being challenging enough is not one of them.

Last edited by sokillme; 03-07-2017 at 04:22 PM.
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