Do cheaters always cheat again? - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
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post #61 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 03:56 PM
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Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

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I don't cause other's to do wrong, but it is my fault if I have low standards and bury my head in the sand and let other people manipulate, use and abuse me.
Fair enough.


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post #62 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 03:56 PM
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Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

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Personally I never understood this question around the aftermath of cheating, to me it doesn't matter if they will do it again, once is enough. I think the better question is what kind of people do you allow in your romantic-life? How do you expect to be treated and what are the ramifications of the person treating you in such a poor way? What would it say to other, as far as how I demand to be treated, when I am willing to continue in the most personal way with the person who has hurt me the most. What does it do to ones soul and self respect if someone can abuse them and yet you still maintain such a close and dependent relationship? Is this really a healthy choice?

I would and have asked myself what kind of person am I if I let someone treat me so poorly and continue to associate with them? What does that say about my feeling of morality? Where does the reconciliation start to encroach on my dignity?

No person is worth my honor, even if that person is me wanting to R. I have always said if someone blatantly cheated I would adamantly reject R, if I were to change my mind at that point, what kind of person would I be.

I am sure this thinking is very foreign to many.
Somewhat, although I agree with you to a point. I think the best thing a BS can do is kick the WS out and be done with them. DONE. ONLY after that is it possible to R, and only THEN if the WS proves they're a different and better person, because at that point what you had is over, and the only way to be together is to start totally new. No one ever does this though - people are way too scared of the relationship ending. Which should tell them something right there - who the hell wants to be with someone just because they're SCARED??

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #63 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 04:01 PM
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Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

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What do you disagree with? I'm trying to understand
That an RA is as bad as cheating or even that its degrading to the BS. The BS did not bring the cheating into the relationship.

Quite the opposite, in some scenarios I could see it being empowering. MANY cheaters cheat because they think they are a special snowflake.

I can't think of a faster way to burst their bubble and force them to sympathize with the pain the BS is feeling by experiencing it for themselves.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #64 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 04:01 PM
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Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

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My point is, I take care of my husband in ways most men won’t be taken care of. He’s spoiled like a child, I’d do anything for him. He has little responsibility and has all the fun he wants to have.
And my point is that doesn't make you a good wife. I know I sound mean and yeah I guess I am. Sorry about that but something is wrong that you were willing to do that. You even say it yourself in your post. My point was that people who cheat have issues, they may even be issues that let the BS get away with being a ****ty spouses but that still makes them a bad choice in a mate until they address them. I don't think how you treated your husband disproves my point, it verifies it.

Last edited by sokillme; 03-07-2017 at 04:24 PM.
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post #65 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 04:04 PM
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Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

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That an RA is as bad as cheating or even that its degrading to the BS. The BS did not bring the cheating into the relationship.

Quite the opposite, in some scenarios I could see it being empowering. MANY cheaters cheat because they think they are a special snowflake.

I can't think of a faster way to burst their bubble and force them to sympathize with the pain the BS is feeling by experiencing it for themselves.
I suppose in some cases this could happen, but in most the person having the RA is going to regret it. They're lowering themselves to the same level as the WS. Would you counsel all BS's to have a RA? If not, why?

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #66 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 04:08 PM
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Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

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I suppose in some cases this could happen, but in most the person having the RA is going to regret it. They're lowering themselves to the same level as the WS. Would you counsel all BS's to have a RA? If not, why?
No, I counsel virtually every BS here to LEAVE. You and I both know, that many are too weak to do so.

If they refuse, then the BS should use ALL means necessary to try to move on from what the WS did.

And that certainly includes RAs imo.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #67 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 04:08 PM
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Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

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I personally don't really consider revenge affairs "cheating" or at least not in the same category.

What's good for the goose, is good for the gander in my opinion. The POS's who started it, had it coming.
This may shock some but I agree. I don't think it is a good idea but I think just like in any other contract once one party brakes the stipulations the contract becomes is null and void. Now if you decide to R then you should abide by the terms again, but honestly if I had my way the law would no longer see the contract as valid and if people wanted to stay together they would have to marry again.
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post #68 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 04:10 PM
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Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

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If they refuse, then the BS should use ALL means necessary to try to move on from what the WS did.

And that certainly includes RAs imo.
Ah, so there's where we disagree. If a BS is too weak to leave, then having a RA is just going to muddy the waters IMO. Often they have very low self esteem - cheating is just going to lower it even further in most cases.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #69 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 04:12 PM
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Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

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This may shock some but I agree. I don't think it is a good idea but I think just like in any other contract once one party brakes the stipulations the contract becomes is null and void. Now if you decide to R then you should abide by the terms again, but honestly if I had my way the law would no longer see the contract as valid and if people wanted to stay together they would have to marry again.
But then it isn't even cheating. If you're truly DONE, then it's the same as sleeping with someone before the divorce becomes final. I never did it, but if I had slept with someone after I kicked my husband out, I wouldn't think of it as me cheating on him at all. It would have just been me having sex with someone who I wasn't married to, since I was single. And if he had a problem with that because in HIS mind we weren't moving toward D then that's HIS problem not mine. That isn't a RA at all.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #70 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 04:17 PM
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Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

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If a BS is too weak to leave, then having a RA is just going to muddy the waters IMO.
If we are being honest then if they are too weak to leave more likely than not they are too weak to have an RA.

They didn't leave because their self esteem is probably in the toilet and their WS in on a pedestal a mile high.

An RA would only "jeopardize" their delusional attempts to "nice back" the cheater from their on going affair.

Obviously every situation is different but speaking in generalities, this usually holds true.


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post #71 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 04:17 PM
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My W cheated multiple times, partly because I told her to, and partly because she wanted to.
I just know when I see a new post by @MAJDEATH I will read it and find myself shaking my head, and this one is no exception.

Your wife did NOT cheat on you because you told her to. You got the second half right but you didn't put the 100% emphasis on it that it deserves.
Come on guys, my posts are not that bad. But back on topic - my fWW cheated once, then cheated again, again, again and was getting close to another A. So what percent recidivism rate would that be?
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post #72 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 04:18 PM
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Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

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No one ever does this though - people are way too scared of the relationship ending. Which should tell them something right there - who the hell wants to be with someone just because they're SCARED??
There are some, spaceghost, some hunter guy on here who basically found out years later, but his kid knew for years riverrat or something, a woman on SI who just dumped her husband. She had a great post about how she doesn't need counseling when her husband asked her to go to marriage counseling. I don't need counseling, I didn't cheat! The husband of a women who posted on LS. He just ended it and she was left sucking her thumb. @Clemson who just posted the other day. He will be in good shape in about a year.

IF people know who I am talking about help me out.

In everyone of those thread the BS ended off much better then the WS, and just better off in general.


The thing is just like affairs have discernible patterns so does recovery. If you are assertive and move on in strength you almost always do better. Those who operate out of fear mostly end up trapped and unhappy.
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post #73 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 04:26 PM
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Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

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But then it isn't even cheating. If you're truly DONE, then it's the same as sleeping with someone before the divorce becomes final. I never did it, but if I had slept with someone after I kicked my husband out, I wouldn't think of it as me cheating on him at all. It would have just been me having sex with someone who I wasn't married to, since I was single. And if he had a problem with that because in HIS mind we weren't moving toward D then that's HIS problem not mine. That isn't a RA at all.
I guess I'm just odd. I would still see that as cheating. Prior to the Final Decree, you still would have been married. Perhaps, I'm too loyal.
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post #74 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 04:30 PM
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Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

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There are some, spaceghost, some hunter guy on here who basically found out years later, but his kid knew for years riverrat or something, a woman on SI who just dumped her husband. She had a great post about how she doesn't need counseling when her husband asked her to go to marriage counseling. I don't need counseling, I didn't cheat! The husband of a women who posted on LS. He just ended it and she was left sucking her thumb. @Clemson who just posted the other day. He will be in good shape in about a year.

IF people know who I am talking about help me out.

In everyone of those thread the BS ended off much better then the WS, and just better off in general.


The thing is just like affairs have discernible patterns so does recovery. If you are assertive and move on in strength you almost always do better. Those who operate out of fear mostly end up trapped and unhappy.
Are those people who did kick the cheater out, is that what you're saying?

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #75 of 89 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 04:30 PM
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Re: Do cheaters always cheat again?

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I guess I'm just odd. I would still see that as cheating. Prior to the Final Decree, you still would have been married. Perhaps, I'm too loyal.
If the other pending divorce party is going to town, I don't know what you are waiting for...

If you both agreed out of mutual respect to wait until the final degree, then kudos to you both.

Rarely does that ever happen.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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