I had multiple affairs before and during my first marriage. I left for an AP and have been faithful to him for 17 years. I have a few friends that were unfaithful during youthful marriages and who are faithful to their current spouses or SO's. I know others that have been married 3,4, or even 5 times and cheated during each of their marriages. I think some people are situational cheaters and others are just incapable of being faithful regardless of their situation.
I don't believe in the saying once a cheater, always a cheater, or even a leopard can't change their spots. People can change, people can be less then desirable and then be a role model. The exception to this rule is a narcissist. People make bad choices, are fallible, and can become better people. I don't feel that ones life is defined by infidelity, capable yes, but I don't think it's their defining moment in life. How they handle the adversity before them may be a defining moment though.
A cheater cheats first on themselves and then like a ripple, affects all in the area around them... nothing left untouched.
Those that do not learn from the chaos it does to self and others, are doomed to repeat it.
I wouldn't have married my present wife and and lived a near 3 decade relationship if I thought she hadn't learned from her past (no, not with me but was fully aware of a previous situation she had placed herself in).
I had no such confidence in my ex before her to ever offer such an opportunity as reconciliation.
Sometimes you simply read the tea leaves and know...
Although I was in an open relationship with my last partner, I cheated by lying about my true feelings towards OM and about sleeping with OM in the beginning.
After that relationship blew up and spending some time on TAM, only then was I truly able to grasp the magnitude of what I had done. I've had a chance to sincerely apologise to both and admit the many errors of my ways. And try to impress upon them that what I did was terrible and they should not have let it slide so easily. That they did themselves a disservice by not making me suffer the consequences of my actions.
I cannot fathom the possibility of cheating again. I've come such a long way in the way I relate to cheating and relationships in general.
No, I do not believe that cheaters are destined to cheat again. Many do, but many learn a lesson and fix what was broken in themselves to allow that to happen. Unfortunately, they ALL say they will never do it again and it can be nearly impossible to figure out which ones are sincere and which ones are not.
Many do. But being sure that your WS never cheated again; is sort of like having to do an autopsy to confirm Alzheimer's. You won't know for sure, until you or your cheating spouse are on your respective death beds.
And even then, there may be some small amount of doubt.
In my ex's case, yes. I believe he's incapable of being faithful. He cheated during dating and marriage. I also found out he cheated during our engagement and on many of his girlfriends before me. Also, during the time (that I know of) of his cheating he was also on websites and/or groups called married, but looking. Why I didn't leave 15+ years ago I'll never know. Can't dwell on that anymore. I have to stay positive!
i would categorize cheaters into 2 broad categories.
A) the first is people who are basically healthy, but for maybe certain key weaknesses or faults that may lead them into
circumstances where their guard is down and they make a terrible decision.
they are not serial cheaters. they are once in a lifetime or at most twice very maybe.
B) the other are seriously flawed individuals usually with personality disorders and abusive or dysfunctional adolescence who have a propensity to lie and cheat.
of course the distinction between these two types sometimes becomes blurry within the broad spectrum.
the two cheaters in my life belonged to category (B). with red flags a wavin', i ventured forth blinded by love, naivety and denial, but such is life.
and the weird thing is............i have no regrets.
Interesting point. I cheated on my boyfriend in college. We were high school sweet hearts. But, it was because he cheated on me a few times and I didn't want to end the relationship but wanted payback. So immature at the time. But the reason I have never cheated again is because of the immense guilt I felt after. I felt so guilty, I wished to never feel that way again.
Obviously, repeated cheating depends on the person. Some never cheat again and some continue the rest of their lives. My ex-H promised that never again would I have the slightest reason to doubt him. He lied. R is always a risk for that reason.
I'd never do it again. 4 years later I don't look at myself the same. There isn't a day that goes by that what I did doesn't get in my head somehow. The guilt, the shame, the self hating because of it. I can't ever call myself a good person again.
I'll throw myself in front of a bus before I'd do it again.
No I think people who experience shame can change. It takes something very powerful to change them though.
It's not just cheating, from what I see they are just not really good at being spouses. They are self-centered with poor boundaries, impulse control and the lot. They need a lot of work to change, if they even want to. Then you have to waste all this time with them learning to just be productive spouses, like years and years. While also dealing with all the fallout and living with your trigger. Is it really worth the effort? You don't think you could meet and fall in love with someone else? In your case you kid will still have it's father, that doesn't change.
Also personally I would never trust someone who said they cheated because of poor circumstances. One sure fact of life is circumstances change. Just because you are happily married today doesn't mean you won't be tomorrow. If you are not cheating because you are happy or your circumstances are great that is really not the right reasons.
No I think people who experience shame can change. It takes something very powerful to change them though.
It's not just cheating, from what I see they are just not really good at being spouses. They are self-centered with poor boundaries, impulse control and the lot. They need a lot of work to change, if they even want to. Then you have to waste all this time with them learning to just be productive spouses, like years and years. While also dealing with all the fallout and living with your trigger. Is it really worth the effort? You don't think you could meet and fall in love with someone else? In your case you kid will still have it's father, that doesn't change.
Also personally I would never trust someone who said they cheated because of poor circumstances. One sure fact of life is circumstances change. Just because you are happily married today doesn't mean you won't be tomorrow. If you are not cheating because you are happy or your circumstances are great that is really not the right reasons.
I’d say that can be false. I’m an amazing wife short of what I did 4 years ago for 30 seconds. I cook dinner roughly 5 nights a week, almost every time what he would prefer to eat. He’s diabetic, I cater my menu to him and make sure he has things he’s supposed to eat. I do all of the grocery shopping, couponing, carrying in and putting away. I do all of the cleaning, all of the laundry, all of the running of the kids. I pay all of the bills, budget all of the money. I take care of the dogs, buy all of their food, take them to the vet, take them on walks and car rides, give them their baths. I pick up his medication and his insulin. If I’m out driving around running errands and he texts and says he wants something, I’ll stop and get it, even if it’s out of the way. Sometimes, I’ll drive it all the way home and go back out to finish my stuff just so he can have what he needs. If he plops his foot on my lap, he gets a foot rub. He gets back rubs several nights a week. He doesn’t leave the couch on weekends while I work from sun up to sun down on household chores. I work overtime at my primary job and have a second job to help pay the bills. If he mentions he wants something, he gets it. I shower him with affection, non stop. I hug him 2-3 times a day, kiss him more than that and sex is at his fingertips any time he wants it – 5-7 times a week. If we go on a date, we do what HE wants, even for my birthday. We finally got to go on our first vacation last year. We went where he wanted to go. I give him random gifts just because. I tell him please and thank you for everything and I tell him I appreciate the things that he does. I’ve extended more forgiveness to this man than any one person ever should. I’m decent looking, I’m in good shape. I get along with his friends, he’s never told he “can’t” do something like hang out with the guys. He does “guy stuff 3-4 times a week, every week” I could go on, and on and on. Not everyone who cheats is a sh*tty spouse.
I'd wager an educated guess that a person is quite likely to cheat again on the same partner but with a new partner with whom the relationship is more balanced, with the needs of both partners being met, with good open communication, the odds can and probably do decrease dramatically.
My GF of 5 years cheated multiple times on her exhusband as the marriage was entering its death throes, and while I don't condone her cheating I can understand why she had no feelings of loyalty towards him. He was just BAD, in so many ways.
None of those things exist in our relationship, I have no reason to think she would. Of course we aren't married so I'd like to think even in a worst case scenario, if she wanted out, she wouldn't feel trapped, as so many married people do, so she could just leave if she wasn't happy. I know I would.
It depends on what phase in life the former cheaters are in, an who their partner is (if any). By cheater, I assume you mean marital infidelity.
I equate this to unwed young moms who have already had a baby. Perhaps before they were nieve to the ways of preventing pregnancy or could be manipulated by smooth talking guys. They also were unaware about what pregnancy, delivery, and caring for a baby was all about.
Married women who cheated for the first time may have had similar circumstances and didn't realize the effects on family, friends, coworkers, OMW/OWH, etc. There may have been some manipulation at play as well.
But if it happens again (assuming the previous A was discovered or confessed to) they know full well the potential fall-out from their actions. I have had many friends in the military who cheated more than once, and they all knew fully well what they were doing.
My W cheated multiple times, partly because I told her to, and partly because she wanted to. After the first time I suspect it got easier for her, and she started picking married guys. So yes cheaters will in all likelihood cheat again, they definitely have the capability if the right circumstance presents itself and they want to.
Once someone has cheated, they can never undo it. They will always have cheated. That doesn't mean they will cheat again though. People CAN change, and learn from their mistakes. Just like someone who murders someone will always have murdered that person, but that doesn't mean they will murder again.
To carry the murder analogy further, you have serial killers, and then you have the abused wife who kills her husband so that he stops. You can't even compare the two.
Why cheat just because your dad has given you a free pass??? You can never undo it, you know. Once you cheat, you will always have cheated. You WILL always be a cheater.
I did'nt read all the rteponses OP, but the person who predicts the answer to your question accurately will be an instant billionaire because they will have solved the "infidelity" riddle.
I think if you do some reading you will find that the PERCENTAGES of a cheater cheating again are greater, especially if they have basically gotten away with it with no real consequences. If a bank robber robs a bank and gets away with $100,000, you think he or she might be more likely to try it again???
Cheaters, especially ones who don't get caught, are probably much more likely to have some fun again. As a matter of fact, I have read that some think the MAJORITY of infidelity is never caught. That is probably true for those that do a ONS, but just like in Vegas, when you will some money, they are counting on your not leaving the casino because the odds favor the house. Most cheaters go back for "seconds" and then you have an affair and then most do get caught.
So the answer is no cheaters don't always cheat again but your odds are not so great that it is not more likely to happen again.
I think it varies from cheater to cheater and the dynamic of the current relationship.
My ex husband was cheated on by his first wife. AFAIK he never cheated on her and was devastated by her cheating.
But at the time of our divorce I learned he cheated on me every chance he got. With years of hindsight, it pains me to say this, but I really think it was me. He just wasn't that into me. He liked me just fine, but really needed me to raise his three kids that he had custody of. Personality wise, I think I was just too easy/submissive for him. Not challenging enough to really capture his passion. When we divorced he told me about all his cheating and his explanation was "he thought it would be fun."
He's now married for the fifth time and I don't know but I get the impression he would not cheat on his current wife. No idea about the others. I think age, stage in life, opportunity, level of feeling toward mate, relationship dynamic can all affect whether or not someone cheats.
So: Once a cheater NOT NECESSARILY always a cheater, but if I learned the person I'm dating cheated in the past? I think I would end things. Even if I trusted them to not cheat on me, the thought that they would do that to anyone would really bother me.
But at the time of our divorce I learned he cheated on me every chance he got. With years of hindsight, it pains me to say this, but I really think it was me. He just wasn't that into me. He liked me just fine, but really needed me to raise his three kids that he had custody of. Personality wise, I think I was just too easy/submissive for him. Not challenging enough to really capture his passion. When we divorced he told me about all his cheating and his explanation was "he thought it would be fun."
You couldn't be more wrong. I'm sorry you have absorbed part of the blame for actions squarely under his control. You didn't make him an immoral POS. It had nothing to do with you.
Personally I never understood this question around the aftermath of cheating, to me it doesn't matter if they will do it again, once is enough. I think the better question is what kind of people do you allow in your romantic-life? How do you expect to be treated and what are the ramifications of the person treating you in such a poor way? What would it say to other, as far as how I demand to be treated, when I am willing to continue in the most personal way with the person who has hurt me the most. What does it do to ones soul and self respect if someone can abuse them and yet you still maintain such a close and dependent relationship? Is this really a healthy choice?
I would and have asked myself what kind of person am I if I let someone treat me so poorly and continue to associate with them? What does that say about my feeling of morality? Where does the reconciliation start to encroach on my dignity?
No person is worth my honor, even if that person is me wanting to R. I have always said if someone blatantly cheated I would adamantly reject R, if I were to change my mind at that point, what kind of person would I be.
Somewhat, although I agree with you to a point. I think the best thing a BS can do is kick the WS out and be done with them. DONE. ONLY after that is it possible to R, and only THEN if the WS proves they're a different and better person, because at that point what you had is over, and the only way to be together is to start totally new. No one ever does this though - people are way too scared of the relationship ending. Which should tell them something right there - who the hell wants to be with someone just because they're SCARED??
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