Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone..... - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 09:50 AM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

Is your relationship otherwise wonderful and worth saving?

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post #17 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 09:54 AM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

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UGH!

Ok....I will make this quick, I know I need some wisdom and guidance because my head is spinning between what I saw and what she is telling me.

quick summary: GF(35) and I(36) have been together around 3 years. I asked her to marry me on New Years this year. Well I helped her move into her new apartment this weekend and during the move I found her old phone.

I admit it...I looked. Can't explain it, just a familiar feeling came back to me from my days of being with the ex-wife.

The phone was her old phone that she used before upgrading to her current phone which goes back to November 2015. I found that she was texting 3 others guys during Sept. 2015 and 1 of the guys was an ex that she said," Had a really strong hold on me..."

The text messages between her and the ex were very explicit and it appeared that she was planning on meeting up with him. Long story short, the only reason it appears that the meeting didn't happen was because I feel asleep on her couch that night. Apparently they were going to meet up when I left, but I didn't.

I confronted her with the phone (I made screenshots on her phone and transferred the screenshots to mine as back-up....she doesn't know). She begins to try and see what I know about what's in the phone, but I just sit and stare at her in silence, waiting for her answers. She finally begins to say that she doesn't remember what was in the text and then she refuses to look at the messages saying, "I am not going to do this right now." (phone was unlocked)

She then starts to telling me the reason that she did communicate with the Ex....she said that I hurt her when I lied to her about the plane tickets.

BACKGROUND- I lied about a female friend getting my cousin and I last minute plane tickets for a Superbowl party. I told her we got the tickets through my cousin's military discount (lie) and he was paying for both of our tickets (True)

She also stated that we were in a bad place then, and she was doing it to get attention since I was so busy, but that was 2015 and she is concentrating on 2017. She was different person over a year ago, and that I am the only man she wants to be with. I call her on the fact, that if the situation was reversed; we wouldn't even be having a conversation because she would be to busy trying to pull the knife out of my chest. (Her dad cheated on her mom and she described that as a deal breaker, with lying being a strong #2) {A dealbreaker for me because of my ex-wife}

Background- 2015 was a rough year for us. We both went through several deaths in 2014 (6 for her, including her mom to cancer & 3 for me [cousin, and friends]) and we actually was in couples counseling in 2016 for all the issues we had (arguments, accusations, etc..)

Basically I feel lost and unsure what to do, because a part of me wants to believe her and believe it was for attention and try to move forward since we are in a good place right now. BUT I am torn because the messages basically said that the only reason they didn't hook up was because I was acting "like a F%&kin guard dog", by sleeping on her couch. The messages were from 2015, and I don't know what is on her phone now.

I am halfway to just calling it quits because I don';t want to put up with this from anyone else.....Am I being gaslighted here to make me feel sympathy for her?

I don't plan on talking to her today to get my head straight....

Need help... thanks in advance
Immediately -- and permanently -- dump her.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #18 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 09:58 AM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

This one is simple. Access her phone bill and see if she is texting him in the past 15 months. She must allow you access or the engagement is off. This is the only way you will have peace of mind going forward, no matter how it turns out.
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post #19 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 10:05 AM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

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Don't set a wedding date... there is not nearly enough trust and truth between the two you right now.

People do change, all things do, but that is an awful short time for the hurdles this creates for you.

Date your fiancé a good bit more... and if no children are involved, a "no-ex" boundary should apply for you both.
^this^. what is the rush! keep engaged, delay the marriage for a good couple years, and see how it all works out. IF it is to be, it will become obvious over the next year or so.
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post #20 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 10:07 AM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

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Is your relationship otherwise wonderful and worth saving?


This is what you should be focused on, rather than the dozen guys that say dump her.
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post #21 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 10:09 AM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

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Immediately -- and permanently -- dump her.
i am not so sure. you guys HAVE been thru hell lately. If you can pop out on the other side and see the sunny day, you will have that as a bonding experience. The question you need to figure out...is she a cheating POS, OR is she just confused and had a moment of weakness (sexting) while under great stress.
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post #22 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 10:13 AM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

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This is what you should be focused on, rather than the dozen guys that say dump her.
Why's that?
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post #23 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 10:28 AM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

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This is what you should be focused on, rather than the dozen guys that say dump her.
You can have the best chemistry but if the person cheats it doesn't mean squat. The most important thing for a good marriage is character.
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post #24 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 10:28 AM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

When a women buys a dog, she does so for one of two reasons.

1) To keep her amused. As a subconscious outlet, as in instinctual, allowing her to be a mother and a nurturer. Even to a pooch.

2) She needs a guard dog. To bark when trouble nears and to bite when it arrives.

Every women worth her salt wants her man to be her guard dog.

Sounds like you are her miniature poodle. Her ex still marks her territory. And likely waters her bush.

She is not over him. She was happy getting over on you.

It is the lucky women that has two dogs sniffing her crotch. Lucky? Yes, for Waywards have their own code of conduct.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #25 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 10:30 AM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

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OR is she just confused and had a moment of weakness (sexting) while under great stress.
Like this makes it OK.

Life is stressful. Reading this boards has taught me so many people settle for so little.

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post #26 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 10:30 AM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

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Why did you feel the need to lie about getting tickets?

I think that question needs to be answered.
I am wondering the same thing. The part about the female friend having been the one who actually got the tickets makes me wonder if he lied because his fiancee doesn't like the female friend... Funny how no one else seems to wonder about that... Only that she was in contact with an ex, and likely would have hooked up with him. Then again, maybe not. Maybe his staying there that night actually DID bring her to her senses. We don't know. And certainly those clamoring for him to just dump her don't know, either.

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post #27 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 10:45 AM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

You may be in a good place now but what happens the next time you aren't. Is she likely going to need attention again or do you feel that was a one-time lapse. Obviously, you could be wrong either way but that's the risk you take.

Up to this point you felt she was worth marrying. Now you have to reevaluate. Take your time and make your best judgment. But if you do decide to marry her you should wait at least a couple of years -- or more. Always easier to end things before marriage than after.
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post #28 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 10:48 AM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

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You can have the best chemistry but if the person cheats it doesn't mean squat. The most important thing for a good marriage is character.


That's you speaking not OP. My post was to him, not you, and for him to decide what he wants and where to draw the line.

We all get that you are against reconciliation under any circumstances.
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post #29 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 10:49 AM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
Is your relationship otherwise wonderful and worth saving?
Quote:
Originally Posted by blueinbr View Post
This is what you should be focused on, rather than the dozen guys that say dump her.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Talker67 View Post
i am not so sure. you guys HAVE been thru hell lately. If you can pop out on the other side and see the sunny day, you will have that as a bonding experience. The question you need to figure out...is she a cheating POS, OR is she just confused and had a moment of weakness (sexting) while under great stress.
LOL.

It's great and she's awesome.

That's why she's sexting exes.



OP, roughly two seconds worth of actually thinking about this will have you realizing that she didn't stop at sexting.

Oh and BTW...

Have you looked at her current phone as well?

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #30 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 10:51 AM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

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Why's that?
Because feewings.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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