Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone..... - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
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post #46 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 11:37 AM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

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Originally Posted by Maricha75 View Post
On this, I would agree. My only concern is the "dump her" mentality, as if he did nothing wrong. The guy has been on TAM for about 6 years. He KNOWS not to lie to his girlfriend about something like that because, even if there was nothing to it, it APPEARS as if there is something there. And she would retaliate. And if there is a problem between the girlfriend and the friend, what is the usual advice given? I an not one to say "absolutely no OSF, ever". But, if there is a known issue, and you lie to your SO about something regarding that OSF, expect retaliation. And if you can't tell the truth about something as stupid as a plane ticket, then there is something seriously wrong in your relationship... And you shouldn't have proposed in the first place. But, if you think you can work things out after alk this, more power to you. Just both of you need to stop lying and hiding stuff. (That is for the OP, not you, sokillme). And I would advise a long engagement... minimum 1 year, preferably 2-3, to be certain.

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Yeah that was my point about him being passive aggressive and lying about stuff. No wonder he has problems.

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post #47 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 11:38 AM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

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Originally Posted by Maricha75 View Post
On this, I would agree. My only concern is the "dump her" mentality, as if he did nothing wrong. The guy has been on TAM for about 6 years. He KNOWS not to lie to his girlfriend about something like that because, even if there was nothing to it, it APPEARS as if there is something there. And she would retaliate. And if there is a problem between the girlfriend and the friend, what is the usual advice given? I an not one to say "absolutely no OSF, ever". But, if there is a known issue, and you lie to your SO about something regarding that OSF, expect retaliation. And if you can't tell the truth about something as stupid as a plane ticket, then there is something seriously wrong in your relationship... And you shouldn't have proposed in the first place. But, if you think you can work things out after alk this, more power to you. Just both of you need to stop lying and hiding stuff. (That is for the OP, not you, sokillme). And I would advise a long engagement... minimum 1 year, preferably 2-3, to be certain.

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Two wrongs to not make a right. The lie, although very very bad, is a cause for a fiance to go call the X for a hook up? What else may occur that causes the fiance to dial up the X for a quick one?

I totally agree with the lie over plane tickets yadda yadda....this is a relationship nowhere near getting a married let alone engaged.

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post #48 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 11:39 AM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

You both lie over stupid crap. Time for you both to find someone new. You knowingly lie to cover up something. When you guys are in a bad place she goes to an ex.

I'm not going to get into the "scales of justice, whose act was worse" derails. You both do bad crap to each other for your own gratification. Why stay with someone when you can't be honest with each other? Sorry, I wouldn't entangle myself in a mess like this at all. Yes, it sucks, but it is only 3 years. She had a clue with your lie concerning a woman and she chose to stay. You now have a clue with her concerning a man and you also have a choice. Yes, some will call you a hypocrite, but oh well. Better to be a hypocrite than be in marriage where, you wonder when you piss each other off if your spouse is going outside the marriage to get what they want.

Time to go.
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post #49 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 11:40 AM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

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I don't agree that you should just dump and run. Nobody's perfect few of us are completely honest about everything, and the situation happened early in your relationship and they never did actually meet.

I advise you to put the wedding on indefinite hold and just see where things go. Of course keep your eyes open, maybe even plant a VAR in her car and see if she's got anything to say to anyone in your absence about that particular incident or anything else for that matter.

There is no good reason to rush into a marriage and lots of good reasons to be patient and just see where things go.
I just think infidelity does so much damage that for me and a lot of others it is the kind of thing you just don't mess with. It truly can ruin your entire life so it is not your normal risk factor.
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post #50 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 11:43 AM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

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You both lie over stupid crap. Time for you both to find someone new. You knowingly lie to cover up something. When you guys are in a bad place she goes to an ex.
Then there's this.

The two of you are liars, and have a problem being honest with each other about relatively small things.

What happens when there are big things, and there will be, it's inevitable as the complexity of the relationship increases and the two of you don't see eye to eye on something. The lack of honesty will erode the relationship and it will ultimately fail.

Don't waste your time.

Although I'll go further than @phillybeffandswiss said and suggest that finding someone else won't necessarily fix anything, the dishonesty is within each one of you and will probably continue to follow you into every new relationship until you deal with the underlying cause. People lie out of fear and insecurity. That's something to get you started.
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post #51 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 11:46 AM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

Yeah, I didn't want to go there, but it is exactly what I was thinking.
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post #52 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 11:47 AM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

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If the current relationship has other issues as well, then its simple. Leave and move on. Why waste your life finding out exactly what happened.

OTOH if the current relationship is really great in other ways, then its at least worth considering finding ways to save it. Not everyone reacts the same way to infidelity. For some its a absolute relationship ender, for others it can be forgiven.
They're not yet married. This is the period where you find out if your partner is a keeper.

She didn't confess - red flag
When confronted with the phone she still didn't confess - red flag
She was texting three other guys - red flag
She's secretly in touch with her ex - red flag
She's sexting her ex - red flag
She was planning on hooking up with her ex - red flag
When stressed she turns outside her relationship - red flag

She doesn't seem to understand the gravity of what she's done. And if their "relationship is really great in other ways" he still gets to hitch himself up to a partner he knows he cannot trust completely.
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post #53 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 11:51 AM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

1) Dump her. Now. She isn't marriage material.
2) Get yourself into some kind of therapy - or even just READ A BOOK - and figure out what's wrong with YOU. To lie about something like that, completely unnecessarily, is a HUGE problem, dude. Figure it out before you get into another relationship or you're doomed to failure.
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post #54 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 11:54 AM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

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Originally Posted by azteca1986 View Post
They're not yet married. This is the period where you find out if your partner is a keeper.

She didn't confess - red flag
When confronted with the phone she still didn't confess - red flag
She was texting three other guys - red flag
She's secretly in touch with her ex - red flag
She's sexting her ex - red flag
She was planning on hooking up with her ex - red flag
When stressed she turns outside her relationship - red flag

She doesn't seem to understand the gravity of what she's done. And if their "relationship is really great in other ways" he still gets to hitch himself up to a partner he knows he cannot trust completely.
I agree.

Still, lies open doors to areas you do not want to go. So, I see why many are waiting to see what he says about SuperBowl woman. Nope, it doesn't absolve the ex and other guys at all, but it is why I say they both should move on.
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post #55 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 12:04 PM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

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Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
He is laughing at how bad the advice is. Not OP.


The advice wasn't for him.

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post #56 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 12:06 PM
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Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

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Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
I just think infidelity does so much damage that for me and a lot of others it is the kind of thing you just don't mess with. It truly can ruin your entire life so it is not your normal risk factor.


Yes, and there are also a lot of others here in the fraternity of brothers that stayed with the wife.

It is for OP to decide.

It's the same in every thread. The lynch mob comes out. Same members every time. Burn the witch. Laugh at any other posts that don't tow the party line.

Weeds don't grow on a well maintained lawn.

Last edited by blueinbr; 03-07-2017 at 12:13 PM.
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post #57 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 12:10 PM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

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Yes, and there are also a lot of others here in the fraternity of brothers that stayed with the wife.

It is for OP to decide.
They are recently engaged, this isn't a marriage. This is what you learn before you carry through with a marriage. So, this is the time to make sure he doesn't join the infidelity brotherhood which contains many categories including Divorce and Reconciliation. They can revisit getting married later, when they both get themselves fixed or not.
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post #58 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 12:16 PM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

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The advice wasn't for him.
Yeah @GusPolinski was LOLing at your supposedly poor advise while jumping to an irrational conclusion that she is currently sexting with other men and the ex boyfriend when nothing was stated to even remotely support that conclusion.
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post #59 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 12:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
Why did you feel the need to lie about getting tickets?

I think that question needs to be answered.
Basically I lied because I didn't want to hear her mouth about another woman getting me a discount on plane tickets for superbowl weekend. Fiance' always came off as the jealous (possible violent type) so I took a chance and lied. I was wrong. I admitted I was wrong and owned up to it.
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post #60 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 12:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

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Originally Posted by Maricha75 View Post
I am wondering the same thing. The part about the female friend having been the one who actually got the tickets makes me wonder if he lied because his fiancee doesn't like the female friend... Funny how no one else seems to wonder about that... Only that she was in contact with an ex, and likely would have hooked up with him. Then again, maybe not. Maybe his staying there that night actually DID bring her to her senses. We don't know. And certainly those clamoring for him to just dump her don't know, either.

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Actually she doesn't know my friend. To be honest the only reason my friend got involved was that we were getting the tickets the friday before the Superbowl and everything was sky high. I sent a mass email out to a group of friends to see if they had any discounts or cheaper options and she responded.

Simple transaction- She gave me the rate, my cousin called her and gave her the card number, and she sent both of us the itinerary. I actually hadn't spoken to her since I started dating my fiance just to keep peace.

I owned up to it and showed her the emails
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