Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone..... - Page 9 - Talk About Marriage
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post #121 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 07:09 AM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

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I apologize I don't mean you guys are idiots you're good people and I know this. I was getting frustrated reading his story. I just spent an hour whatever on the phone with Verizon over my bill or whatever so I guess I took it out on you guys I apologize...
Even Spartans have trouble with their phone bills?

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post #122 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 07:24 AM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

As i see it EH, yeah you did a stupid thing, fessed up and let's move on to the situation at hand....as you noted this was on her old phone, so the question on the table still remains did she continue her relationship with him on the new phone, and is there any evidence on the new phone to suggest that it is still going on or not going on...and BTW everyone he confessed to her about the plane ticket I don't hear hear confess to him about her indiscretion nor that if hadn't been there they would have had sex....that alone warrants moving on EH....if she is thinking about an old flame now before you get married, can you imagine thinking about someone else when you get settled into a content marriage 10 years down the road....but heck its your life, if you feel this is a solid relationship then go ahead, but plane tickets aside that is not what your hearing on here.
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post #123 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 09:14 AM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

Just a little technical question - how did that phone hold a charge for 1 year and 4 months? Or was the charger right there and you plugged it in and stood there and read? She didn't notice you were standing there reading through her old phone?
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post #124 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 09:29 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

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Just a little technical question - how did that phone hold a charge for 1 year and 4 months? Or was the charger right there and you plugged it in and stood there and read? She didn't notice you were standing there reading through her old phone?
Found the old phone when I was helping her move. Used my charger to charge the phone and look. found the text messages, confronted her. She cried, asked me forgiveness, she talked some more....I walked out.

Hadn't talked to her since Monday night, she hasn't tried to call or contact me.

Should I continue to go dark?

To address some other questions or comments:

We did couple's counseling now to address issues that both of us have blindspots in. We were trying to be pro active and get help before we got married and things became complicated. I do love her, but my past experience and pride is having me to lean toward leaving.

We have a pretty good relationship, but she had some abuse from her past that I wasn't aware of at first, which caused some major issues. Combined with my past hurt of my previous marriage and both of us going through nearly 10 deaths in a year was hard. We supported each other during that beginning time of the relationship and wanted to love and support each other throughout.
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post #125 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 09:36 AM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

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Why did you feel the need to lie about getting tickets?

I think that question needs to be answered.
You are actually comparing lying about tickets with her trying to hook up with her ex.

Have you asked for and looked at her new phone.

So when she feels she needs attention in the future it will be ok for her to hook up with the ex?

Piss poor excuse.
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post #126 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 09:55 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

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You are actually comparing lying about tickets with her trying to hook up with her ex.

Have you asked for and looked at her new phone.

So when she feels she needs attention in the future it will be ok for her to hook up with the ex?

Piss poor excuse.
I was such in shock, that I actually left the apartment and did some driving to calm down. The thought hit me to ask for the new phone about 10 minutes into the drive and then realized that its probably wiped clean by now. smh I resigned myself that I may not have the answers because she probably erased them, and went further underground if she is still in contact.

I figured that it would take about a solid year for anything else to come up on the phone, and I would have to play dumb for that year in order for her to relax enough to make a mistake.

I don't think I can do it.

I have to go into my therapy appointment. Will probably be on tomorrow.....starting to trigger reading the comments here
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post #127 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 10:08 AM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

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Originally Posted by EHuntIMF View Post
I was such in shock, that I actually left the apartment and did some driving to calm down. The thought hit me to ask for the new phone about 10 minutes into the drive and then realized that its probably wiped clean by now. smh I resigned myself that I may not have the answers because she probably erased them, and went further underground if she is still in contact.
Yeah, classic mistake many of us made of opening our mouths prematurely. That's how I lost secret access to the emails which would have likely proven one way or another whether my wife had had an affair a year or two earlier. Lots of people here have made such mistakes, so don't kick yourself too hard for confronting her.
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post #128 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 10:14 AM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

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Originally Posted by EHuntIMF View Post
Found the old phone when I was helping her move. Used my charger to charge the phone and look. found the text messages, confronted her. She cried, asked me forgiveness, she talked some more....I walked out.

Hadn't talked to her since Monday night, she hasn't tried to call or contact me.

Should I continue to go dark?
At this point I'm thinking you should not only go dark you should permanently disconnect the electricity.
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post #129 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 10:41 AM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

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Originally Posted by EHuntIMF View Post
Found the old phone when I was helping her move. Used my charger to charge the phone and look. found the text messages, confronted her. She cried, asked me forgiveness, she talked some more....I walked out.

Hadn't talked to her since Monday night, she hasn't tried to call or contact me.

That is very unusual. Not a good sign. It could mean that she has resigned herself to breaking up with you.

Should I continue to go dark?

Yes. Do not contact her or chase her. Let her chase you. If she does not, you have your answer.


To address some other questions or comments:

We did couple's counseling now to address issues that both of us have blindspots in. We were trying to be pro active and get help before we got married and things became complicated. I do love her, but my past experience and pride is having me to lean toward leaving.

This is not pride. It is called "self respect". You value yourself enough not to let another person de-value you. Do not accept the pride label. She is the one too proud to admit she screwed up.


We have a pretty good relationship, but she had some abuse from her past that I wasn't aware of at first, which caused some major issues.

Not an excuse. Sorry but her past abuse and her cheating are entirely separate items.

Combined with my past hurt of my previous marriage and both of us going through nearly 10 deaths in a year was hard. We supported each other during that beginning time of the relationship and wanted to love and support each other throughout.

None of those things mean squat. She cheated because she had the opportunity and because she chose to. It had nothing to do with the relationship. Stop trying to accept blame for her poor choices.

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post #130 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 11:19 AM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

Agree with all of the above except that "cheating has nothing to do with the relationship".

Sometimes, it's completely unrelated. More often there are problems that led to the cheating. I know this is when people chime in and say "cheating is never the betrayed partner's fault!"

I tend to disagree with that statement. Not always, but often enough.

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post #131 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 03:55 PM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

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Originally Posted by EHuntIMF View Post
Found the old phone when I was helping her move. Used my charger to charge the phone and look. found the text messages, confronted her. She cried, asked me forgiveness, she talked some more....I walked out.

Hadn't talked to her since Monday night, she hasn't tried to call or contact me.

Should I continue to go dark?
Yes - stay No Contact with her until you are able to detach your emotional reaction from your decision as to staying engaged. To my way of thinking the engagement period is like a dress rehearsal for marriage. During this time you both have a "get out of jail free" card you can play at any time for any reason. Catching her cheating is a great reason to play that card. I mean, why marry a woman you KNOW has cheated on you?
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post #132 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 04:00 PM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

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Agree with all of the above except that "cheating has nothing to do with the relationship".

Sometimes, it's completely unrelated. More often there are problems that led to the cheating. I know this is when people chime in and say "cheating is never the betrayed partner's fault!"

I tend to disagree with that statement. Not always, but often enough.
Cheating has nothing to do with the relationship. If you want out, file D, separate, dump you BF/GF. Cheating = low moral character.

read enough stories on here to see that many/most of the cheaters are ok or better in their relationship with their BS...
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post #133 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 04:03 PM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

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. More often there are problems that led to the cheating.
I absolutely agree:

1) Poor choices
2) Poor boundaries
3) Selfishness
4) loss of self integrity
5) general entitlement issues

There many problems with the cheater that lead to the act!

We protect ourselves from lies,
By fanatically holding to our own truths.
But when our truths turn to fanaticism,
Our truths become the Lie.
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post #134 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 04:07 PM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

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Originally Posted by EHuntIMF View Post
Found the old phone when I was helping her move. Used my charger to charge the phone and look. found the text messages, confronted her. She cried, asked me forgiveness, she talked some more....I walked out.

Hadn't talked to her since Monday night, she hasn't tried to call or contact me.

Should I continue to go dark?

To address some other questions or comments:

We did couple's counseling now to address issues that both of us have blindspots in. We were trying to be pro active and get help before we got married and things became complicated. I do love her, but my past experience and pride is having me to lean toward leaving.

We have a pretty good relationship, but she had some abuse from her past that I wasn't aware of at first, which caused some major issues. Combined with my past hurt of my previous marriage and both of us going through nearly 10 deaths in a year was hard. We supported each other during that beginning time of the relationship and wanted to love and support each other throughout.
If she hasn't called or messaged you since Monday guess who is comforting her.She know you finally wised up to her and has threw in the towel.Do yourself a favour and never contact her again,a women like this Just screws you up for every other woman you may meet.
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post #135 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 04:12 PM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

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If she hasn't called or messaged you since Monday guess who is comforting her.She know you finally wised up to her and has threw in the towel.Do yourself a favour and never contact her again,a women like this Just screws you up for every other woman you may meet.
Eggs Zachary.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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