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Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

53K views 182 replies 54 participants last post by  CuddleBug 
#1 ·
UGH!

Ok....I will make this quick, I know I need some wisdom and guidance because my head is spinning between what I saw and what she is telling me.

quick summary: GF(35) and I(36) have been together around 3 years. I asked her to marry me on New Years this year. Well I helped her move into her new apartment this weekend and during the move I found her old phone.

I admit it...I looked. Can't explain it, just a familiar feeling came back to me from my days of being with the ex-wife.

The phone was her old phone that she used before upgrading to her current phone which goes back to November 2015. I found that she was texting 3 others guys during Sept. 2015 and 1 of the guys was an ex that she said," Had a really strong hold on me..."

The text messages between her and the ex were very explicit and it appeared that she was planning on meeting up with him. Long story short, the only reason it appears that the meeting didn't happen was because I feel asleep on her couch that night. Apparently they were going to meet up when I left, but I didn't.

I confronted her with the phone (I made screenshots on her phone and transferred the screenshots to mine as back-up....she doesn't know). She begins to try and see what I know about what's in the phone, but I just sit and stare at her in silence, waiting for her answers. She finally begins to say that she doesn't remember what was in the text and then she refuses to look at the messages saying, "I am not going to do this right now." (phone was unlocked)

She then starts to telling me the reason that she did communicate with the Ex....she said that I hurt her when I lied to her about the plane tickets.

BACKGROUND- I lied about a female friend getting my cousin and I last minute plane tickets for a Superbowl party. I told her we got the tickets through my cousin's military discount (lie) and he was paying for both of our tickets (True)

She also stated that we were in a bad place then, and she was doing it to get attention since I was so busy, but that was 2015 and she is concentrating on 2017. She was different person over a year ago, and that I am the only man she wants to be with. I call her on the fact, that if the situation was reversed; we wouldn't even be having a conversation because she would be to busy trying to pull the knife out of my chest. (Her dad cheated on her mom and she described that as a deal breaker, with lying being a strong #2) {A dealbreaker for me because of my ex-wife}

Background- 2015 was a rough year for us. We both went through several deaths in 2014 (6 for her, including her mom to cancer & 3 for me [cousin, and friends]) and we actually was in couples counseling in 2016 for all the issues we had (arguments, accusations, etc..)

Basically I feel lost and unsure what to do, because a part of me wants to believe her and believe it was for attention and try to move forward since we are in a good place right now. BUT I am torn because the messages basically said that the only reason they didn't hook up was because I was acting "like a F%&kin guard dog", by sleeping on her couch. The messages were from 2015, and I don't know what is on her phone now.

I am halfway to just calling it quits because I don';t want to put up with this from anyone else.....Am I being gaslighted here to make me feel sympathy for her?

I don't plan on talking to her today to get my head straight....

Need help... thanks in advance
 
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#2 · (Edited)
This is a mess, first of don't feel guilty about trusting your gut. Next why are you lying to her that is not how a good relationship works. Finally because you lied about tickets she decided to sext an ex. Seriously? She then tells you it was because she is lonely. Um life 101 everyone gets lonely. People who have to contact ex-partners because you are busy have no business being married. A healthy and frankly very normal response for this is saying "hey I am really feeling lonely lets do something, go on a trip, day trip, get coffee every night." This is how normal healthy people deal with this. Seriously call it quits, sounds like you already went through this once. She is no prize. There are thousands and thousands of better women out there.

You need to figure out why you are ending up with these types of women. Your lying because you are afraid to talk about stuff is a good start. It's already a passive aggressive dynamic.
 
#4 ·
Don't set a wedding date... there is not nearly enough trust and truth between the two you right now.

People do change, all things do, but that is an awful short time for the hurdles this creates for you.

Date your fiancé a good bit more... and if no children are involved, a "no-ex" boundary should apply for you both.
 
#26 ·
I am wondering the same thing. The part about the female friend having been the one who actually got the tickets makes me wonder if he lied because his fiancee doesn't like the female friend... Funny how no one else seems to wonder about that... Only that she was in contact with an ex, and likely would have hooked up with him. Then again, maybe not. Maybe his staying there that night actually DID bring her to her senses. We don't know. And certainly those clamoring for him to just dump her don't know, either.

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#6 ·
You hurt her because you lied about sourcing plane tickets ... She was doing it for attention ...

Typical cheater MO, blame it on anything but your own choices.

Where is the remorse? She was texting 3 other guys? At the honeymoon stage of your relationship? Cheating is a deal breaker? This from a cheater?

Would you feel any different if she had slept with the OM?

I'd say look at this as dodging a bullet and call it quits.
 
#158 ·
You hurt her because you lied about sourcing plane tickets ... She was doing it for attention ...

Typical cheater MO, blame it on anything but your own choices.
She is not worth the risk.

Oh she says "We were in a bad place", "I was mad at you about FILL IN THE BLANK", "You were ignoring me"...

Hmmm... "I know what to do... cheat on you with old BF"

But, you got a glimpse at the future. Think this logic will never happen after you are married, think again.
 
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#7 ·
UGH!



She also stated that we were in a bad place then, and she was doing it to get attention since I was so busy, but that was 2015 and she is concentrating on 2017.
Sigh....so next time you are not dancing around her providing attention she will do this again? Might want to step back and reconsider.
 
#173 ·
I've dealt with that. It's not worth it man. If it happens once it is likely to happen again. The whole "I was doing it for attention" thing is total bull. If she really did do it for attention the she is an emotionally strong enough to be in a marriage. Things get rough, a marriage has ups and downs. If she's not able to stay loyal when you're at you peak of being in love what is she going to do a few years into marriage when that love changes into something that's not as exciting to her?

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#8 · (Edited)
Dating and an engagement period is tantamount to an audition for both parties - assuming you had an exclusive relationship. You're fortunate to have found out what she is capable of before you tied the knot. Add to that, her explanation demonstrated that she felt little or no remorse.

And, lying about Superbowl tickets showed her, that you are capable of lying to her; but it does not come close to attempting to cheat on you. It should also put a doubt in your mind whether she cheated other times that you don't know about.

If you marry this woman and she eventually is unfaithful, you can't say you couldn't see it coming. My advice; cut the cord now, and appreciate the bullet you dodged. You found out she is not marriage material.
 
#9 ·
For you:
The lie about getting the tickets - beyond dumb. All lies come with a consequence. Just stop that practice.
Never telling a lie means you only have to remember the truth.

For her:
So things got tough and she went looking elsewhere.

The fact that you were there that night only prevented her from going over. What about any other night? Too much drama, especially during your honeymoon phase.


For me, this is a deal breaker. Even I was engaged.

I would walk
 
#10 ·
the best indication of future behavior is past behavior.

And you really think she hasnt contacted him since she changed phones? Bull****. If the text messages you saw were sexual and there wasn't an end such as "I have a BF we cant be doing this" then she was still contacting him after her phone upgrade. take it to the bank.

and stop lying. Be true to yourself my man. Its the only way.
 
#12 · (Edited)
Provided that these communications were going on while you two were not actively going together, then none of that is really germane!

If however it was, then it is something of a rather serious nature!

I really believe that your "gut instincts" will absolutely tell you more than you will ever want to know!
 
#14 ·
She also stated that we were in a bad place then, and she was doing it to get attention since I was so busy, but that was 2015 and she is concentrating on 2017.
Usual cheater-speak. What happens next time when, not if, you're busy and she doesn't feel she's getting the attention she deserves?

Planning to hook up is bad enough. Save yourself more heartache and don't marry this woman, there are plenty of better life-partners out there.
 
#21 ·
i am not so sure. you guys HAVE been thru hell lately. If you can pop out on the other side and see the sunny day, you will have that as a bonding experience. The question you need to figure out...is she a cheating POS, OR is she just confused and had a moment of weakness (sexting) while under great stress.
 
#24 ·
When a women buys a dog, she does so for one of two reasons.

1) To keep her amused. As a subconscious outlet, as in instinctual, allowing her to be a mother and a nurturer. Even to a pooch.

2) She needs a guard dog. To bark when trouble nears and to bite when it arrives.

Every women worth her salt wants her man to be her guard dog.

Sounds like you are her miniature poodle. Her ex still marks her territory. And likely waters her bush.

She is not over him. She was happy getting over on you.

It is the lucky women that has two dogs sniffing her crotch. Lucky? Yes, for Waywards have their own code of conduct.
 
#27 ·
You may be in a good place now but what happens the next time you aren't. Is she likely going to need attention again or do you feel that was a one-time lapse. Obviously, you could be wrong either way but that's the risk you take.

Up to this point you felt she was worth marrying. Now you have to reevaluate. Take your time and make your best judgment. But if you do decide to marry her you should wait at least a couple of years -- or more. Always easier to end things before marriage than after.
 
#34 ·
Get to rejection quickly. Don't waste your valuable time on a poor prospect. She has proven she has the capability to cheat, and she has proven she will shift the blame onto you. There is nothing in what she has said or done which indicates she understands how wrong it was to do what she did. There is good reason to believe she could have cheated many times already but you just have not detected it.

If you were looking to buy something expensive and it had that kind of bad history you would not buy it. The risk of failure is high with this one.

You could choose to spend more years with her and hope it works out ok. Those would be years of your life you can never get back.

Your choice. Cut your losses now and move on to a better life, or stay with this one while hoping she doesn't cheat again.
 
#44 ·
I don't agree that you should just dump and run. Nobody's perfect few of us are completely honest about everything, and the situation happened early in your relationship and they never did actually meet.

I advise you to put the wedding on indefinite hold and just see where things go. Of course keep your eyes open, maybe even plant a VAR in her car and see if she's got anything to say to anyone in your absence about that particular incident or anything else for that matter.

There is no good reason to rush into a marriage and lots of good reasons to be patient and just see where things go.
 
#49 ·
I just think infidelity does so much damage that for me and a lot of others it is the kind of thing you just don't mess with. It truly can ruin your entire life so it is not your normal risk factor.
 
#48 ·
You both lie over stupid crap. Time for you both to find someone new. You knowingly lie to cover up something. When you guys are in a bad place she goes to an ex.

I'm not going to get into the "scales of justice, whose act was worse" derails. You both do bad crap to each other for your own gratification. Why stay with someone when you can't be honest with each other? Sorry, I wouldn't entangle myself in a mess like this at all. Yes, it sucks, but it is only 3 years. She had a clue with your lie concerning a woman and she chose to stay. You now have a clue with her concerning a man and you also have a choice. Yes, some will call you a hypocrite, but oh well. Better to be a hypocrite than be in marriage where, you wonder when you piss each other off if your spouse is going outside the marriage to get what they want.

Time to go.
 
#50 ·
You both lie over stupid crap. Time for you both to find someone new. You knowingly lie to cover up something. When you guys are in a bad place she goes to an ex.
Then there's this.

The two of you are liars, and have a problem being honest with each other about relatively small things.

What happens when there are big things, and there will be, it's inevitable as the complexity of the relationship increases and the two of you don't see eye to eye on something. The lack of honesty will erode the relationship and it will ultimately fail.

Don't waste your time.

Although I'll go further than @phillybeffandswiss said and suggest that finding someone else won't necessarily fix anything, the dishonesty is within each one of you and will probably continue to follow you into every new relationship until you deal with the underlying cause. People lie out of fear and insecurity. That's something to get you started.
 
#53 ·
1) Dump her. Now. She isn't marriage material.
2) Get yourself into some kind of therapy - or even just READ A BOOK - and figure out what's wrong with YOU. To lie about something like that, completely unnecessarily, is a HUGE problem, dude. Figure it out before you get into another relationship or you're doomed to failure.
 
#63 ·
OP,

Lying is dumb but sorry, lying about a plane ticket is a bit different than looking to bang an old boyfriend had you not fallen asleep. And the crap about you being in a bad place. ?? I guarantee you if you marry her, sometime in your marriage things will not be going great. And then what's her move??

Like you've been told, check all the cell phone bills and tell him she can take a poly to verify the night you fell asleep was not the only time they planned or did a hook up. Her reaction to your request will probably tell you all you need to know. She might be a different person but she can't erase history. And the machine could give a **** less about her being a different person. Its yes/no and truth or lie.

Your call. Either you verify or go blind trust. None of us can decide that for you.
 
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