Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone..... - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 08:51 AM Thread Starter
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Thumbs down Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

UGH!

Ok....I will make this quick, I know I need some wisdom and guidance because my head is spinning between what I saw and what she is telling me.

quick summary: GF(35) and I(36) have been together around 3 years. I asked her to marry me on New Years this year. Well I helped her move into her new apartment this weekend and during the move I found her old phone.

I admit it...I looked. Can't explain it, just a familiar feeling came back to me from my days of being with the ex-wife.

The phone was her old phone that she used before upgrading to her current phone which goes back to November 2015. I found that she was texting 3 others guys during Sept. 2015 and 1 of the guys was an ex that she said," Had a really strong hold on me..."

The text messages between her and the ex were very explicit and it appeared that she was planning on meeting up with him. Long story short, the only reason it appears that the meeting didn't happen was because I feel asleep on her couch that night. Apparently they were going to meet up when I left, but I didn't.

I confronted her with the phone (I made screenshots on her phone and transferred the screenshots to mine as back-up....she doesn't know). She begins to try and see what I know about what's in the phone, but I just sit and stare at her in silence, waiting for her answers. She finally begins to say that she doesn't remember what was in the text and then she refuses to look at the messages saying, "I am not going to do this right now." (phone was unlocked)

She then starts to telling me the reason that she did communicate with the Ex....she said that I hurt her when I lied to her about the plane tickets.

BACKGROUND- I lied about a female friend getting my cousin and I last minute plane tickets for a Superbowl party. I told her we got the tickets through my cousin's military discount (lie) and he was paying for both of our tickets (True)

She also stated that we were in a bad place then, and she was doing it to get attention since I was so busy, but that was 2015 and she is concentrating on 2017. She was different person over a year ago, and that I am the only man she wants to be with. I call her on the fact, that if the situation was reversed; we wouldn't even be having a conversation because she would be to busy trying to pull the knife out of my chest. (Her dad cheated on her mom and she described that as a deal breaker, with lying being a strong #2) {A dealbreaker for me because of my ex-wife}

Background- 2015 was a rough year for us. We both went through several deaths in 2014 (6 for her, including her mom to cancer & 3 for me [cousin, and friends]) and we actually was in couples counseling in 2016 for all the issues we had (arguments, accusations, etc..)

Basically I feel lost and unsure what to do, because a part of me wants to believe her and believe it was for attention and try to move forward since we are in a good place right now. BUT I am torn because the messages basically said that the only reason they didn't hook up was because I was acting "like a F%&kin guard dog", by sleeping on her couch. The messages were from 2015, and I don't know what is on her phone now.

I am halfway to just calling it quits because I don';t want to put up with this from anyone else.....Am I being gaslighted here to make me feel sympathy for her?

I don't plan on talking to her today to get my head straight....

Need help... thanks in advance

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post #2 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 09:01 AM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

This is a mess, first of don't feel guilty about trusting your gut. Next why are you lying to her that is not how a good relationship works. Finally because you lied about tickets she decided to sext an ex. Seriously? She then tells you it was because she is lonely. Um life 101 everyone gets lonely. People who have to contact ex-partners because you are busy have no business being married. A healthy and frankly very normal response for this is saying "hey I am really feeling lonely lets do something, go on a trip, day trip, get coffee every night." This is how normal healthy people deal with this. Seriously call it quits, sounds like you already went through this once. She is no prize. There are thousands and thousands of better women out there.

You need to figure out why you are ending up with these types of women. Your lying because you are afraid to talk about stuff is a good start. It's already a passive aggressive dynamic.

Last edited by sokillme; 03-07-2017 at 09:07 AM.
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post #3 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 09:07 AM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

You are not married to her. I think you should walk. Your gut is telling you the same thing. She is not a "keeper".

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post #4 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 09:08 AM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

Don't set a wedding date... there is not nearly enough trust and truth between the two you right now.

People do change, all things do, but that is an awful short time for the hurdles this creates for you.

Date your fiancé a good bit more... and if no children are involved, a "no-ex" boundary should apply for you both.
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post #5 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 09:12 AM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

Why did you feel the need to lie about getting tickets?

I think that question needs to be answered.
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post #6 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 09:14 AM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

You hurt her because you lied about sourcing plane tickets ... She was doing it for attention ...

Typical cheater MO, blame it on anything but your own choices.

Where is the remorse? She was texting 3 other guys? At the honeymoon stage of your relationship? Cheating is a deal breaker? This from a cheater?

Would you feel any different if she had slept with the OM?

I'd say look at this as dodging a bullet and call it quits.
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post #7 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 09:15 AM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by EHuntIMF View Post
UGH!



She also stated that we were in a bad place then, and she was doing it to get attention since I was so busy, but that was 2015 and she is concentrating on 2017.
Sigh....so next time you are not dancing around her providing attention she will do this again? Might want to step back and reconsider.

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― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #8 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 09:22 AM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

Dating and an engagement period is tantamount to an audition for both parties - assuming you had an exclusive relationship. You're fortunate to have found out what she is capable of before you tied the knot. Add to that, her explanation demonstrated that she felt little or no remorse.

And, lying about Superbowl tickets showed her, that you are capable of lying to her; but it does not come close to attempting to cheat on you. It should also put a doubt in your mind whether she cheated other times that you don't know about.

If you marry this woman and she eventually is unfaithful, you can't say you couldn't see it coming. My advice; cut the cord now, and appreciate the bullet you dodged. You found out she is not marriage material.

Last edited by badmemory; 03-07-2017 at 09:50 AM.
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post #9 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 09:25 AM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by EHuntIMF View Post
UGH!

Ok....I will make this quick, I know I need some wisdom and guidance because my head is spinning between what I saw and what she is telling me.

quick summary: GF(35) and I(36) have been together around 3 years. I asked her to marry me on New Years this year. Well I helped her move into her new apartment this weekend and during the move I found her old phone.

I admit it...I looked. Can't explain it, just a familiar feeling came back to me from my days of being with the ex-wife.

The phone was her old phone that she used before upgrading to her current phone which goes back to November 2015. I found that she was texting 3 others guys during Sept. 2015 and 1 of the guys was an ex that she said," Had a really strong hold on me..."

The text messages between her and the ex were very explicit and it appeared that she was planning on meeting up with him. Long story short, the only reason it appears that the meeting didn't happen was because I feel asleep on her couch that night. Apparently they were going to meet up when I left, but I didn't.

I confronted her with the phone (I made screenshots on her phone and transferred the screenshots to mine as back-up....she doesn't know). She begins to try and see what I know about what's in the phone, but I just sit and stare at her in silence, waiting for her answers. She finally begins to say that she doesn't remember what was in the text and then she refuses to look at the messages saying, "I am not going to do this right now." (phone was unlocked)

She then starts to telling me the reason that she did communicate with the Ex....she said that I hurt her when I lied to her about the plane tickets.

BACKGROUND- I lied about a female friend getting my cousin and I last minute plane tickets for a Superbowl party. I told her we got the tickets through my cousin's military discount (lie) and he was paying for both of our tickets (True)

She also stated that we were in a bad place then, and she was doing it to get attention since I was so busy, but that was 2015 and she is concentrating on 2017. She was different person over a year ago, and that I am the only man she wants to be with. I call her on the fact, that if the situation was reversed; we wouldn't even be having a conversation because she would be to busy trying to pull the knife out of my chest. (Her dad cheated on her mom and she described that as a deal breaker, with lying being a strong #2) {A dealbreaker for me because of my ex-wife}

Background- 2015 was a rough year for us. We both went through several deaths in 2014 (6 for her, including her mom to cancer & 3 for me [cousin, and friends]) and we actually was in couples counseling in 2016 for all the issues we had (arguments, accusations, etc..)

Basically I feel lost and unsure what to do, because a part of me wants to believe her and believe it was for attention and try to move forward since we are in a good place right now. BUT I am torn because the messages basically said that the only reason they didn't hook up was because I was acting "like a F%&kin guard dog", by sleeping on her couch. The messages were from 2015, and I don't know what is on her phone now.

I am halfway to just calling it quits because I don';t want to put up with this from anyone else.....Am I being gaslighted here to make me feel sympathy for her?

I don't plan on talking to her today to get my head straight....

Need help... thanks in advance
For you:
The lie about getting the tickets - beyond dumb. All lies come with a consequence. Just stop that practice.
Never telling a lie means you only have to remember the truth.

For her:
So things got tough and she went looking elsewhere.

The fact that you were there that night only prevented her from going over. What about any other night? Too much drama, especially during your honeymoon phase.


For me, this is a deal breaker. Even I was engaged.

I would walk

We protect ourselves from lies,
By fanatically holding to our own truths.
But when our truths turn to fanaticism,
Our truths become the Lie.
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post #10 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 09:30 AM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

the best indication of future behavior is past behavior.

And you really think she hasnt contacted him since she changed phones? Bull****. If the text messages you saw were sexual and there wasn't an end such as "I have a BF we cant be doing this" then she was still contacting him after her phone upgrade. take it to the bank.

and stop lying. Be true to yourself my man. Its the only way.

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post #11 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 09:33 AM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

Ask her when she planned to tell you. I'm sure she'll stumble on that one. Then ask her when she plans to tell you about the rest and leave it hanging...


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post #12 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 09:42 AM
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Cool Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

Provided that these communications were going on while you two were not actively going together, then none of that is really germane!

If however it was, then it is something of a rather serious nature!

I really believe that your "gut instincts" will absolutely tell you more than you will ever want to know!

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Last edited by arbitrator; 03-07-2017 at 11:10 AM. Reason: Edification
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post #13 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 09:43 AM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

Run for zee hills, man. Fast.
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post #14 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 09:47 AM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by EHuntIMF View Post
She also stated that we were in a bad place then, and she was doing it to get attention since I was so busy, but that was 2015 and she is concentrating on 2017.
Usual cheater-speak. What happens next time when, not if, you're busy and she doesn't feel she's getting the attention she deserves?

Planning to hook up is bad enough. Save yourself more heartache and don't marry this woman, there are plenty of better life-partners out there.
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post #15 of 183 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 09:50 AM
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Re: Found explicit text messages in fiance's old phone.....

FWIW, my situation was similar to yours. Fiancé cheated not too long before we were to get married. I dumped her immediately. I later met my wife and we have now been married for 21 years.

Don't settle for a cheater.

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