H Cheating for 11 Years - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 02:30 PM
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Re: H Cheating for 11 Years

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Originally Posted by Hope1964 View Post
For the sake of your kids, get rid of him. And know as you do that it was HIM who caused this and NOT YOU. He will accuse you of breaking up the family and damaging your kids and all kinds of other crap. DO NOT let him get to you. By ridding yourself of a man who has absolutely NO respect for you, you are showing your kids what a STRONG WOMAN does. By staying, you're showing them what a weak one does. By getting rid of him, you are FIXING your family, not breaking it up. You are giving your kids a model of what a woman SHOULD do when her husband treats her like yours is.
THIS!!!

I wish someone would have slapped me upside the head with this comment 15+ years ago. I was foolish, like you (sorry, but true), and thought staying for the kids was the right thing to do. Combine that with fear and it was a disaster. I wasted 15+ years being miserable. The 7 years prior to that I was unhappy. My ex had zero respect for marriage or me. Back in the early fall I was completely broken and I took the kids and left. Ex moved out a couple of months later so I could go back home with the kids. It was the worst time, but it was the best thing I did for me and my kids. As of a week ago, he is officially my ex! Life is SO much better! I know it's not easy and I know it's scary. Get your own bank account and credit cards if you don't already. Start planning.

Feel free to PM me. I used to be in your shoes.

Edited to tell you something my oldest told me recently. She told me that prior to her leaving home at 18, she totally lost respect for me for allowing ex to mentally abuse me and not doing anything about it. Think about that for a while when you keep telling yourself you're doing it for the kids. They are a lot smarter than you think. They can see what's going on. Fortunately, since breaking up with ex, we've become a lot closer.


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post #17 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 02:44 PM
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Re: H Cheating for 11 Years

11 years?! That's going from being in an affair to being a polygamist. Just without the official marriage license on the 2nd.

Your kids have to know about this. Yet you're keeping this kind of behavior IN their lives?

You probably aren't going to get a single person here that'll tell you to stay with it. And, why is that?

End this already. You deserve better. Your kids deserve better.

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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post #18 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 03:01 PM
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Re: H Cheating for 11 Years

Your life has been a lie. Dont give any more of it to this. Be an example of strength for your kids.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #19 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 03:08 PM
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Re: H Cheating for 11 Years

He has effectively stripped you of any vestige of self respect. He has treated the other woman similarly. He deserves neither of you. It would serve him well to be banished from both homes. His continued presence serves to teach your children that betrayal and lies are acceptable behavior.

In Limbo, you have been convinced that this is acceptable. It is not. If it were me, I would divorce. There is someone much better out there, you deserve better.
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post #20 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 03:42 PM
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Re: H Cheating for 11 Years

Sorry about your situation. You have a lot of power now depending on what you decide and it may be the reason that your H is so gung-ho now to change. The material cost may be his biggest concern. After 11 years of deceit and parading the OW around in front of your mutual friends he has pretty well established his true character. Really look at him. Don't look at him being a good father because there is a case to be made that he could have been more available when you consider how much time he devoted to the OW's children. Don't look at him as a husband because he broke that contract long ago. Look at him as the selfish,self-centered person that he has shown himself to be.

I hope you make the right decision for yourself because you only have one life. Why shouldn't it be a happy one? Take care.

"Truth is like the sun,you can shut it out for a time,but it ain't going away"-Elvis
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post #21 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 10:34 AM Thread Starter
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Re: H Cheating for 11 Years

huh ... Codependency. I didn't see it that way till now SunCMars. I guess by hanging in there for the kids I was just allowing him to continue. He treated us well (outside of his cheating of course) we were a great family. Truly. But, I can see moments/flashbacks where he wasn't very nice.

This is honestly the hardest thing in the world - letting go. Although I know what he did was wrong, that I don't deserve this, that I have been silently torturing myself every day ... it's 20 years of being with that one person. 20 years.
It's the familiarity and security, holding on to what we were when we met & got married, the kids (a big one for me), the ideal of "family" working through life together (through thick and thin) relying on him for support (which he did offer), his parents whom I love and are so supportive, my parents who love him and see us as a "good family" that is making this so very hard. This is going to destroy not just me but a lot of people who love us. We are very attached to each other.

I did text him this morning though that I don't see how we can work it out together right now. I will see a lawyer for separation papers. There is too much anger and mistrust on both our parts now. I had to text him because when I see him, I can't bring myself to do it.

There is mistrust on his part because last month I told him that over the 2 months when I had kicked him out and I thought we were done, I was talking to a guy - just a few times I said and had lunch with a bunch of friends and he was there. Just so he can feel the hurt of what I have been going through - not very mature I know but it felt like he just didn't get me. No one understands fully what someone goes through unless they are in your shoes. And he was so mad! Then he calmed down and said he understood.
I told him there was nothing between me and that guy because I wanted us. To see what we could do. But now he has that in his mind and now questions where I go. How stupid!! He would leave without hesitation if I did what he did. Just the idea of me talking to a guy has tainted his view of me. What a F-ing Hypocrite!

If I want a proper marriage, I need to do this. We also rushed to get him home while we were in CC because the therapist had said that for us to work on our marriage he needed to be home. I wasn't ready for that but she was persistent so he came home.

If he wants to fight for me while separated, then lets see what happens. But If I welcome him with open arms so to speak (because he is home with us right now but sleeping in another room) then he will feel that what he did was ok ... and its not.
If he doesn't want to fight and is mean to me - then I know he never really loved me enough because I have been waiting for a very long time for him to wake up.

Right?

Geez this is so hard. I know I must sound like a lunatic - I feel like one at times.
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post #22 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 11:03 AM
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Re: H Cheating for 11 Years

What a ****ing hypocrite! DO NOT give this man another chance, he does not deserve even the thought of it! 11 YEARS he betrayed you and your family. This was not some drunken one night stand, this was a blatant lie, a fake life, deception of the highest degree. He needs to respect you enough to honor you with a divorce, anything else is pure selfishness.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #23 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 11:08 AM
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Re: H Cheating for 11 Years

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Originally Posted by InLimbo143 View Post
We also rushed to get him home while we were in CC because the therapist had said that for us to work on our marriage he needed to be home. I wasn't ready for that but she was persistent so he came home.
Holy crap some people should NEVER be given a license to practice. What utterly HORRIBLE advice!

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
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post #24 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 12:59 PM
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Re: H Cheating for 11 Years

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This is going to destroy not just me but a lot of people who love us. We are very attached to each other.
InLimbo, this is your codependency speaking. I'm sorry but your parents' and inlaw's lives do not revolve around your marriage. They will be upset and shocked when they hear about his 11 year long affair but they will not die. They will not spiral out of control. They have lives outside of this situation and they will get over much quicker than you think and resume seeing you and the kids just like normal. You can't let negative talk like this sway you especially when it's not true. A divorce will not destroy your kids either. Nor you nor your husband. It will take some time but everyone will move on just fine. People make this kind of decision every single day and no one is dying over a divorce epidemic.

Cancel your appointments with your therapist and get someone who specializes in codependency. Ask prospective new therapists what their plan of attack is for a client who struggles with it and go with the one who gives you the best answer. Pick up a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. If your therapist never even told you about codependency then she's not doing her job. Journaling is a weak suggestion that you could have gotten from a Google search and here you are paying her hundreds of dollars for mediocre results. Get a real specialist and tackle the issues that you have so that you can get stronger, more confident, and turn your life around for the better.
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post #25 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 02:47 PM
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Re: H Cheating for 11 Years

Hypocrite doesn't begin to describe your WH. Waste of space is more like it. What a colossal creep.

None of us here can talk you into saving yourself now, but I believe you can take this to the bank:

When you are older, if you have let this go on and on, you will find yourself looking back on a life of lies, pain, and regret. It will be too late at that point. You will reproach yourself because you know you could have struck a blow for yourself at any point, but didn't do it because you were afraid. And those fears will look like a pittance to the eyes of an old woman.

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post #26 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 03:25 PM
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Re: H Cheating for 11 Years

There's not much I can add here that hasn't already been offered.

All I will say is that you are (whether you know it or not) teaching your children that it's fine for a husband to take advantage of and disrespect his wife.

Children are smart, smart enough to know when all is not rosy in a marriage. It's better to give them the option of being happy in a safe, non-toxic environment.

Your husband is not marriage material.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #27 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 03:54 AM
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Re: H Cheating for 11 Years

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Originally Posted by InLimbo143 View Post
huh ... Codependency. I didn't see it that way till now SunCMars. I guess by hanging in there for the kids I was just allowing him to continue. He treated us well (outside of his cheating of course) we were a great family. Truly. But, I can see moments/flashbacks where he wasn't very nice.

This is honestly the hardest thing in the world - letting go. Although I know what he did was wrong, that I don't deserve this, that I have been silently torturing myself every day ... it's 20 years of being with that one person. 20 years.
It's the familiarity and security, holding on to what we were when we met & got married, the kids (a big one for me), the ideal of "family" working through life together (through thick and thin) relying on him for support (which he did offer), his parents whom I love and are so supportive, my parents who love him and see us as a "good family" that is making this so very hard. This is going to destroy not just me but a lot of people who love us. We are very attached to each other.

I did text him this morning though that I don't see how we can work it out together right now. I will see a lawyer for separation papers. There is too much anger and mistrust on both our parts now. I had to text him because when I see him, I can't bring myself to do it.

There is mistrust on his part because last month I told him that over the 2 months when I had kicked him out and I thought we were done, I was talking to a guy - just a few times I said and had lunch with a bunch of friends and he was there. Just so he can feel the hurt of what I have been going through - not very mature I know but it felt like he just didn't get me. No one understands fully what someone goes through unless they are in your shoes. And he was so mad! Then he calmed down and said he understood.
I told him there was nothing between me and that guy because I wanted us. To see what we could do. But now he has that in his mind and now questions where I go. How stupid!! He would leave without hesitation if I did what he did. Just the idea of me talking to a guy has tainted his view of me. What a F-ing Hypocrite!

If I want a proper marriage, I need to do this. We also rushed to get him home while we were in CC because the therapist had said that for us to work on our marriage he needed to be home. I wasn't ready for that but she was persistent so he came home.

If he wants to fight for me while separated, then lets see what happens. But If I welcome him with open arms so to speak (because he is home with us right now but sleeping in another room) then he will feel that what he did was ok ... and its not.
If he doesn't want to fight and is mean to me - then I know he never really loved me enough because I have been waiting for a very long time for him to wake up.

Right?

Geez this is so hard. I know I must sound like a lunatic - I feel like one at times.
InLimbo, no wonder this excuse for a H walked all over you the last 11 years. You should now go scorched earth and let him see what he is losing. He destroyed the marriage, not you, he is the one who will cause the fall out, not you. You have been a martyr long enough and you have taught your kids that it is ok for a spouse to treat you like crap and still be around!
[LIST][*]Kick his ass out[*]No MC or any work on the marriage[*]Work on YOU get therapy for yourself to find out why you thought so little of yourself to put up with his **** for so long and still sit on the fence about it even now
* no contact with him at all, build your life around your own friends, family and kids
* no allowing him in your life, all communication through a lawyer
* expose him to his parents, his family, friends and older kids (all ought to know what a piece of work your H is, let him be accountable to them for his ****ty behavior, stop covering for him)
* get a lawyer, see what your options are, file. He will have to really make tremendous steps at reconciliation if you are going back into a life with him
* woman, pull up your big girl panties, you can do much better without him, he is poison in your life and your kids life. NO man is a good father if they are off with another woman, taking care of her family, that is not being a good husband, father or son. What ever made you think it was in the first place beats me.
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post #28 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 07:11 AM
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Re: H Cheating for 11 Years

He wants you to help him with his resume????! That's mighty rich.

After all he's done to you and the kids, he has the balls to ask you for YOUR help?

If OW were still in the picture, she would've helped him with it. Remember that. I'm so sorry. But you are Plan B.

And 11 years??!! He's only in this life for himself. He's a greedy narcicisst.

DTMFA and go read Chump Lady's blog. (Google it).You'll see things alot more clearly and you'll find the strength to finally kick him to the curb.
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post #29 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 08:42 AM
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Re: H Cheating for 11 Years

Of course he wants to work it out, now. He's losing his job in May! You are already responsible for the mortgage and bills and he was just contributing to vacations and family outings (WTF?).

Aren't you worth more? Aren't you worth a real husband? Consider that if you let him hang around, he'll just have that much more time to screw around on you when he's unemployed. He can also run up a bunch of debt lining up his next meal ticket.
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