huh ... Codependency. I didn't see it that way till now SunCMars. I guess by hanging in there for the kids I was just allowing him to continue. He treated us well (outside of his cheating of course) we were a great family. Truly. But, I can see moments/flashbacks where he wasn't very nice.
This is honestly the hardest thing in the world - letting go. Although I know what he did was wrong, that I don't deserve this, that I have been silently torturing myself every day ... it's 20 years of being with that one person. 20 years.
It's the familiarity and security, holding on to what we were when we met & got married, the kids (a big one for me), the ideal of "family" working through life together (through thick and thin) relying on him for support (which he did offer), his parents whom I love and are so supportive, my parents who love him and see us as a "good family" that is making this so very hard. This is going to destroy not just me but a lot of people who love us. We are very attached to each other.
I did text him this morning though that I don't see how we can work it out together right now. I will see a lawyer for separation papers. There is too much anger and mistrust on both our parts now. I had to text him because when I see him, I can't bring myself to do it.
There is mistrust on his part because last month I told him that over the 2 months when I had kicked him out and I thought we were done, I was talking to a guy - just a few times I said and had lunch with a bunch of friends and he was there. Just so he can feel the hurt of what I have been going through - not very mature I know but it felt like he just didn't get me. No one understands fully what someone goes through unless they are in your shoes. And he was so mad! Then he calmed down and said he understood.
I told him there was nothing between me and that guy because I wanted us. To see what we could do. But now he has that in his mind and now questions where I go. How stupid!! He would leave without hesitation if I did what he did. Just the idea of me talking to a guy has tainted his view of me. What a F-ing Hypocrite!
If I want a proper marriage, I need to do this. We also rushed to get him home while we were in CC because the therapist had said that for us to work on our marriage he needed to be home. I wasn't ready for that but she was persistent so he came home.
If he wants to fight for me while separated, then lets see what happens. But If I welcome him with open arms so to speak (because he is home with us right now but sleeping in another room) then he will feel that what he did was ok ... and its not.
If he doesn't want to fight and is mean to me - then I know he never really loved me enough because I have been waiting for a very long time for him to wake up.
Geez this is so hard. I know I must sound like a lunatic - I feel like one at times.
InLimbo, no wonder this excuse for a H walked all over you the last 11 years. You should now go scorched earth and let him see what he is losing. He destroyed the marriage, not you, he is the one who will cause the fall out, not you. You have been a martyr long enough and you have taught your kids that it is ok for a spouse to treat you like crap and still be around!
[LIST][*]Kick his ass out[*]No MC or any work on the marriage[*]Work on YOU get therapy for yourself to find out why you thought so little of yourself to put up with his **** for so long and still sit on the fence about it even now
* no contact with him at all, build your life around your own friends, family and kids
* no allowing him in your life, all communication through a lawyer
* expose him to his parents, his family, friends and older kids (all ought to know what a piece of work your H is, let him be accountable to them for his ****ty behavior, stop covering for him)
* get a lawyer, see what your options are, file. He will have to really make tremendous steps at reconciliation if you are going back into a life with him
* woman, pull up your big girl panties, you can do much better without him, he is poison in your life and your kids life. NO man is a good father if they are off with another woman, taking care of her family, that is not being a good husband, father or son. What ever made you think it was in the first place beats me.