H Cheating for 11 Years - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #1 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 11:17 AM Thread Starter
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H Cheating for 11 Years

Hello,

I have been reading posts here for a while now (coping with infidelity, Reconciliation etc.) and I'm still trying to figure out what to do. I thought I could share my story and get your thoughts. I've been stuck in my head for the last 4 months - Leave/Stay/Leave/Stay and on the mouse wheel I continue to be. I'll apologize now as I may start in one direction and go another. I just need to get this out there.

Here is the background:
Known H for 20 years, married for the last 15. We are both in early 40's. For the last 11 years he has been cheating with the same W. We have 2 Kids under 15. Anyone who knows us, sees us as a fun loving family. He is a great father to his children, somewhat of a good husband - cooks dinners, makes breakfast and lunch for the kids, tinkers around the house. BUT he and I have had a loveless marriage for the last 5 years. That "I'm in love with you" feeling was gone. Haven't been intimate in a long time. Always in my mind I had a feeling he was with her but hoped I was wrong.

5 months ago I found out with proof he was still at it. I kicked him out. He went and stayed with his parents.
It was 2 months before Christmas. He begged to come home before the Holidays, I was afraid to ruin the holidays for the kids - so I agreed only if he went to CC with me. He agreed and came home.

At sessions he said he couldn't hurt me like this anymore and wanted to give me the life I deserved.
After the 3rd session, the therapist suggested we call the OW together and tell her to leave us alone as we worked on our marriage. He kind of agreed to it but delayed the call. Finally on the 5th session I had enough and said if you don't call we are done. So we called her and no answer. I forced him to give me her number because I would get constant private callers and I had enough of that too. I wanted to block her number and I wanted to call her.

So i did - and we actually talked. Before I even asked her anything - she told me she knew we were at couples counseling and he was supposed to make that phone call. He called her and told her what to say but she refused to do it. She was waiting on him all these years to leave me and now that he wasn't - she had enough of him too.

He was so involved in her life - she was more a wife to him than I - She has 3 kids and he was very involved with them and her family ie. parents etc. She did all his business paperwork. He paraded her around to all of his friends that knew me too!
He left all the intimate moments for her.

I feel like I was just the mother of his children. Pay for the home and bills, he would pay for all the family vacations and outings.
He was leading a double life. How could he do that??? We had such good times together. So ... I don't get it.

I questioned him about this too - WHY!!?? he says he dug himself so deep he didn't know how to end it. Now that he did he felt free and promises he hates her and wants to work on us. SURE.

I always found things out - I used to find hidden cell phones, notes, clothes - always found out - and stupid me - too afraid to leave for the sake of the kids. Suffered in my own way for a long time. Hated and resented him. I finally just gave up and said this is my life now. For the sake of the kids.

I don't want that anymore. I want to be loved, desired and cared for. I gave him everything in my heart and soul that I could possibly give someone. For nothing.

But why cant I tell him to F-off? Why do I even still care if he is losing his job in May? Why in the world am I attached? Well I know why, 20 years together - but this was always a deal breaker for me.

I know I can meet someone else - I had that fear. I started to talk to guys after this and met a nice man that shows me I can move on. But I can't. and I don't get why.

My H went as far as saying he has a sex addiction - sort of - the need to feel empowered and in control - he was in an stupid fantasy world. She was his escape and I was his problem (mortgage,bills - expense ).

Soooo much has happened over the years that I have become bitter to him. I don't get why I hold on to him. Yes we had such great Family moments - the four of us and even his parents and my parents - we are all very close.

He now wants to make it work. He wants help to work on his resume (never had to do one), he is cooking and cleaning around the house more because he thinks that will please me .... That's not enough for me. He is asking me what to do and he will do it. Just to make it better. I don't know if I want to make it better with HIM. I don't know where to go from here and how to get out of this feeling of being in Limbo.

I'll leave it at this - any advice would be so greatly appreciated.

Oh and I told him no hanging out with those idiot friends. At first he wasn't happy about that until I packaged a bag, told him to watch the kids for the weekend and I left. an hour later he begged me to come home and said he wont go out with his friends.
That wont last. He is not the type to listen to me. He will eventually get mad and say "oh I'm the servant around here now" he's done that before. Just waiting for that.

thanks for listening!!

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post #2 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 11:21 AM
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Re: H Cheating for 11 Years

You need counselling for you.

His betrayal is wicked and abusive.

You and your children deserve better.

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http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
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post #3 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 11:26 AM
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Re: H Cheating for 11 Years

reach down deep and love yourself enough to end it.
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post #4 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 11:36 AM
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Re: H Cheating for 11 Years

It was a loveless and sexless marriage for a long time. It's no surprise one of you went outside to find that intimacy and emotional connection that we humans crave. Did you plan to live like this for the rest of your life? Or only until the kids graduated high school?

What I'm trying to say, end this sham of a marriage and be happy. Stop worrying about how it affects your children, disappointing friends and family. Time to get happy again.

Go find a therpast and see why you put up with this so long. It's amazing he didn't end it when he had another woman waiting for him. You both are too weak to do the right thing.
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post #5 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 11:39 AM Thread Starter
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Re: H Cheating for 11 Years

Thank you MattMatt - yes I have also been seeing a therapist. She knows I have this feeling of being stuck. She asked me to journal everyday. At first I met with her weekly because I was a huge mess. Now its monthly as it is expensive for me. When I found this site and read all the stories, it helps.
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post #6 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 11:40 AM
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Re: H Cheating for 11 Years

Just reading your thread title right beside your username makes me shake my head. Why in gods name would you be IN LIMBO about kicking a guy to the curb who's been cheating on you for 11 YEARS?!?!?!?! Good lord, get RID of him already. Are you waiting for him to bring her home and ask you to let her into your bed with him??

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
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post #7 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 11:43 AM
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Re: H Cheating for 11 Years

This is codependency at it's best....worst.

You have no self esteem. Your body is active. It must be to work and raise children, concurrently.

Your mind is lethargic and complacent. You instinctively roll with the flow.

Where is your sex drive? Find this, recover this. Do this and your mind will follow the heart that follows the passion that you lack in your life.

Lust for life. And a good man is a good start to light your dormant passion.

Without passion, your bum of a husband will continue to reject and disrespect you.

And without passion, no man will seek your warm countenance, which he soon to find "not be" in your dormant furry fold.

Men seek, [and cling to] women through their birth channel. Women hate this reality. Don't hate....this.

It is HIS entry into your world. And [the HE] can be your husband or another man. Find a "he" to light your flame.

Break out of this "Holding Pattern" that your life-flight is in.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #8 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 11:49 AM Thread Starter
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Re: H Cheating for 11 Years

Thanks for your comment Hope1964. I held on for the sake of the kids. I was afraid, I was weak... I still am weak. I admit to it.
I just need to let him go. Enough is Enough. He wont get it until something drastic happens.
I have this stupid ideal of Family - through thick and thin. But I am only hurting myself this way ...
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post #9 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 11:56 AM
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Re: H Cheating for 11 Years

Quote:
Originally Posted by InLimbo143 View Post
I held on for the sake of the kids.
For the sake of your kids, get rid of him. And know as you do that it was HIM who caused this and NOT YOU. He will accuse you of breaking up the family and damaging your kids and all kinds of other crap. DO NOT let him get to you. By ridding yourself of a man who has absolutely NO respect for you, you are showing your kids what a STRONG WOMAN does. By staying, you're showing them what a weak one does. By getting rid of him, you are FIXING your family, not breaking it up. You are giving your kids a model of what a woman SHOULD do when her husband treats her like yours is.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
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post #10 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 12:00 PM
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Re: H Cheating for 11 Years

He's been cheating for over half the time that you've known him and nearly 3/4 of your marriage.

Averaged out over the length of your marriage, that's an average of 18 hours out of every day spent in an affair.

What's the point?

Dump the chump.

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post #11 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 12:01 PM
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Re: H Cheating for 11 Years

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Originally Posted by InLimbo143 View Post
I have this stupid ideal of Family - through thick and thin. But I am only hurting myself this way ...
No, you just lack any kind of self respect for yourself. Seek some individual counseling immediately.

You are destroying yourself by staying married to this POS vermin you call "family". Please.

This guy wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire. Forget that nonsense and file for divorce ASAP.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #12 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 12:03 PM
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Re: H Cheating for 11 Years

He wants to make it work now because OW gave up on him. You're Plan B.

I'll get through this, one day at a time.
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post #13 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 01:39 PM
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Re: H Cheating for 11 Years

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Originally Posted by BetrayedDad View Post
No, you just lack any kind of self respect for yourself. Seek some individual counseling immediately.

You are destroying yourself by staying married to this POS vermin you call "family". Please.

This guy wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire. Forget that nonsense and file for divorce ASAP.
She is already in counselling.

And is moving forward too, as she is in a position to join TAM and learn that she isn't alone and that we are here for her.

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post #14 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 01:58 PM
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Re: H Cheating for 11 Years

When the pain of leaving is outweighed by the pain of staying, you will go. I think that this is by and large independent of the kids. When it's simply too much to stay, you will dump him and the kids will be alright.

11 years is a crime against you. He has gone about his business having two families that cater to him. You're a sister wife.

I hope you have the strength to institute a 180 and see an attorney about divorce. If anyone needed divorcing, it's your WH.
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post #15 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 02:00 PM
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Re: H Cheating for 11 Years

Time for action.

Find an attorney this week. Pay the retainer. Probably $2,500-$5,000 depending on how complicated your divorce could be. Get a snapshot of all investments, retirement, bank accounts, and debt. The attorney will need this.

After you understand what you are entitled to, have a calm discussion with H at a restaurant and tell him you will no longer live in this sham of a marriage. If he's still sleeping in the master bedroom, time for him to move to a guess bedroom. He cheated and broke the marriage vows, so he moves until the house is sold or either of you buy each other out.

This marriage is unhealthy for both of you and even more so for the kids to view this as a "normal" marriage. Make a list of demands. You'll be able to tell how much in alimony and child support you'll get from him. Tell him it can be amicable. Then time to tell friends and family. They will understand. Almost everyone knows what a miserable marriage is like... a lot of them hide it too. Find a friend that has gone through divorce and ask them for advice. You'll need it.
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