H Cheating for 11 Years
I have been reading posts here for a while now (coping with infidelity, Reconciliation etc.) and I'm still trying to figure out what to do. I thought I could share my story and get your thoughts. I've been stuck in my head for the last 4 months - Leave/Stay/Leave/Stay and on the mouse wheel I continue to be. I'll apologize now as I may start in one direction and go another. I just need to get this out there.
Here is the background:
Known H for 20 years, married for the last 15. We are both in early 40's. For the last 11 years he has been cheating with the same W. We have 2 Kids under 15. Anyone who knows us, sees us as a fun loving family. He is a great father to his children, somewhat of a good husband - cooks dinners, makes breakfast and lunch for the kids, tinkers around the house. BUT he and I have had a loveless marriage for the last 5 years. That "I'm in love with you" feeling was gone. Haven't been intimate in a long time. Always in my mind I had a feeling he was with her but hoped I was wrong.
5 months ago I found out with proof he was still at it. I kicked him out. He went and stayed with his parents.
It was 2 months before Christmas. He begged to come home before the Holidays, I was afraid to ruin the holidays for the kids - so I agreed only if he went to CC with me. He agreed and came home.
At sessions he said he couldn't hurt me like this anymore and wanted to give me the life I deserved.
After the 3rd session, the therapist suggested we call the OW together and tell her to leave us alone as we worked on our marriage. He kind of agreed to it but delayed the call. Finally on the 5th session I had enough and said if you don't call we are done. So we called her and no answer. I forced him to give me her number because I would get constant private callers and I had enough of that too. I wanted to block her number and I wanted to call her.
So i did - and we actually talked. Before I even asked her anything - she told me she knew we were at couples counseling and he was supposed to make that phone call. He called her and told her what to say but she refused to do it. She was waiting on him all these years to leave me and now that he wasn't - she had enough of him too.
He was so involved in her life - she was more a wife to him than I - She has 3 kids and he was very involved with them and her family ie. parents etc. She did all his business paperwork. He paraded her around to all of his friends that knew me too!
He left all the intimate moments for her.
I feel like I was just the mother of his children. Pay for the home and bills, he would pay for all the family vacations and outings.
He was leading a double life. How could he do that??? We had such good times together. So ... I don't get it.
I questioned him about this too - WHY!!?? he says he dug himself so deep he didn't know how to end it. Now that he did he felt free and promises he hates her and wants to work on us. SURE.
I always found things out - I used to find hidden cell phones, notes, clothes - always found out - and stupid me - too afraid to leave for the sake of the kids. Suffered in my own way for a long time. Hated and resented him. I finally just gave up and said this is my life now. For the sake of the kids.
I don't want that anymore. I want to be loved, desired and cared for. I gave him everything in my heart and soul that I could possibly give someone. For nothing.
But why cant I tell him to F-off? Why do I even still care if he is losing his job in May? Why in the world am I attached? Well I know why, 20 years together - but this was always a deal breaker for me.
I know I can meet someone else - I had that fear. I started to talk to guys after this and met a nice man that shows me I can move on. But I can't. and I don't get why.
My H went as far as saying he has a sex addiction - sort of - the need to feel empowered and in control - he was in an stupid fantasy world. She was his escape and I was his problem (mortgage,bills - expense ).
Soooo much has happened over the years that I have become bitter to him. I don't get why I hold on to him. Yes we had such great Family moments - the four of us and even his parents and my parents - we are all very close.
He now wants to make it work. He wants help to work on his resume (never had to do one), he is cooking and cleaning around the house more because he thinks that will please me .... That's not enough for me. He is asking me what to do and he will do it. Just to make it better. I don't know if I want to make it better with HIM. I don't know where to go from here and how to get out of this feeling of being in Limbo.
I'll leave it at this - any advice would be so greatly appreciated.
Oh and I told him no hanging out with those idiot friends. At first he wasn't happy about that until I packaged a bag, told him to watch the kids for the weekend and I left. an hour later he begged me to come home and said he wont go out with his friends.
That wont last. He is not the type to listen to me. He will eventually get mad and say "oh I'm the servant around here now" he's done that before. Just waiting for that.
thanks for listening!!