red flags everywhere or am I crazy? - Page 10 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #136 of 158 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 09:40 AM
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Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

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Originally Posted by youaremetoo View Post
Ok got new logs from when they actually worked together and they texted each other and called each other a ton before and after work. And sent pics dunno what they are though..this all keeps getting worse.
So what are you going to DO about this???


People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.


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post #137 of 158 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 09:44 AM
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Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

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Ok got new logs from when they actually worked together and they texted each other and called each other a ton before and after work. And sent pics dunno what they are though..this all keeps getting worse.
With this new info you must now look at her relationship with this guy, that had sexual harassment issues at work, and had a crush on her, as no longer just someone that she claimed to have only tolerated, but as someone that she liked. You must relook at everything that you know about them under this light. For one thing, this means that he is not a stalker. Also, this could mean that she may have been transferred after he left because of her relationship with him.

Last edited by TRy; 04-11-2017 at 09:49 AM.
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post #138 of 158 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 12:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

I had the same idea, that's why she got transferred. Madness.
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post #139 of 158 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 11:17 AM Thread Starter
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Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

My wife says I should just trust what she says that nothing ever happened and that I should have never looked any further into it. She says that's what she would have done if this situation was reversed. I know trust is important, but this situation seems a little off to me. This is my first relationship so maybe I'm not being too trusting. She says her and the dude only talked about work stuff on phones before and after work and that they'd get each other breakfast too when they worked together. My friend says I'm just jealous and I should go to my own therapist, which I am going to now. I am not going to that marriage therapist anymore as she does nothing for us. She says she didn't want to discuss the situation any further because my wife might leave me.

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post #140 of 158 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 11:38 AM
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Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

That's just ridiculous. Trust is built on truth, which she has not given you.

If they were just friends then why was there a transfer? I have a lot of friends at work. I have never come close to getting transferred because of my friendship with them. What business owner doesn't want their employees becoming friends?

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post #141 of 158 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 11:48 AM
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Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

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My wife says I should just trust what she says that nothing ever happened and that I should have never looked any further into it. She says that's what she would have done if this situation was reversed.
LOL. Said every remorseless cheater to their FAR too passive betrayed spouse.

Quote:
This is my first relationship so maybe I'm not being too trusting.
And it won't be your last. You've aligned yourself with a remorseless lying cheater who doesn't give a rat's ass at ALL for your pain.

Just because this is your first real relationship doesn't mean you need to cower in the shadows while Miss Thang TELLS you how things are going to progress.

You're a GROWN man for God's sakes. Find your spine, find your voice, and get to the bottom of this bull**** once and for all.
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post #142 of 158 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 12:46 PM
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Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

wow...you gotta love the ultimatum tactic....she drew the line the sand......you better tuck away your balls, tell her "yes dear", suck it up and let her wear the pants in the family from now on....congratulations you are not a full blown cuckold husband. I say this because your actions have been weak and un-decisive....you wife will continue to contact him in front of you now and you are too weak to stop it......and your too weak to pull the divorce card. anything we say now will get you in trouble with the wife.
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post #143 of 158 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 01:34 PM
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Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

Youaremetoo,

You wrote... I am not going to that marriage therapist anymore as she does nothing for us. She says she didn't want to discuss the situation any further because my wife might leave me.

Ask your marriage therapist how many marriages she had and also if she has ever cheated on her husband. Also ask her if she is pro-marriage. It's also in their best interest not to have you recover or to only partially recover as that keeps the money coming in.

Nothing keeps a marriage in partial recovery like a hidden and unconfessed affair.

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post #144 of 158 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 08:20 PM
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Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

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Originally Posted by youaremetoo View Post
My wife says I should just trust what she says that nothing ever happened and that I should have never looked any further into it. She says that's what she would have done if this situation was reversed. I know trust is important, but this situation seems a little off to me. This is my first relationship so maybe I'm not being too trusting. She says her and the dude only talked about work stuff on phones before and after work and that they'd get each other breakfast too when they worked together. My friend says I'm just jealous and I should go to my own therapist, which I am going to now. I am not going to that marriage therapist anymore as she does nothing for us. She says she didn't want to discuss the situation any further because my wife might leave me.

Take off the love goggles please! It's like telling a gazelle to trust that the lion wont eat her! Your wife is a cheat and all cheaters lies, gaslight, rug sweep, trickle truth. I know you are shocked by the possibility of her cheating on you but this is why websites like TAM exist. Your gut was telling you all a long, believe yourself first!

1. Find your cajones
2. Go see a lawyer and draw up papers
3. Blow up his world and her world, expose to all family and friends
4. Do the 180 on her, for you, you need to find your self esteem and spine to stand up to her BS
5. Insist on a polygraph now
6. Insist on STD testing now/get STD tested yourself
7. Inform her that you are done with being cheated on, lied to and kick her ass out of the house
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post #145 of 158 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 08:44 PM
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Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

Sounds like things are coming to fast for you at this point.

What may be helpful is to get away by yourself for a few days.

Whatever excuse you need/want to make.

Hole up somewhere and rage/cry/etc. BY YOURSELF.

No contact with anyone, especially "her".

Maybe it will help you think a bit clearer and you can see what kind of life you really want in the end.

Good luck.

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post #146 of 158 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 01:22 AM
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Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

So far, in my opinion, all you have is a bunch of conjectures, and nothing solid to back them up. If you keep throwing questions at her, eventually she is going to just shut you down and then the only thing left will be divorce. If that is what you are looking for then just divorce and cut out all the turmoil. If she is doing something then somewhere along the line she will mess up and leave some concrete evidence. It appears by your narrative she is getting close to calling it quits with you. Maybe you need to take a new tact with this situation. I wish you well.
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post #147 of 158 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 02:52 AM
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Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

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Originally Posted by youaremetoo View Post
My wife says I should just trust what she says that nothing ever happened and that I should have never looked any further into it. She says that's what she would have done if this situation was reversed. I know trust is important, but this situation seems a little off to me. This is my first relationship so maybe I'm not being too trusting. She says her and the dude only talked about work stuff on phones before and after work and that they'd get each other breakfast too when they worked together. My friend says I'm just jealous and I should go to my own therapist, which I am going to now. I am not going to that marriage therapist anymore as she does nothing for us. She says she didn't want to discuss the situation any further because my wife might leave me.
Here's what you do my man. You need proof of her cheating? I'll get you proof. Step 1 is accepting everything she said in that paragraph I quoted above. "Sorry, I got a little crazy. It's just that you know how much I love you...kissy kissy". Let everything get back to normal. Then, the next time she goes out on her girls night, you have a PI ready to get video footage. Her annual "girls weekend" would have more damning evidence, but that is remote, right?

Wait Real. How did you know she does all of this?

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Originally Posted by youaremetoo View Post
We meet at a club, she approached me.
The second part of that sentence was redundant. We know how it works when you continue with...

Quote:
Originally Posted by youaremetoo View Post
After a few weeks of dating we went to the club with a guy and a girl and my wife(gf at time) grinded hardcore on the guy in front of me. I asked her about it and she said it was cuz he got us in for free.

That sentence fascinates me in so many ways and on so many different levels. If we weed out MY issues and stick strictly with yours, we have to start with the hint of prostitution. And I don't just mean your wife paying for your date with a lap dance. I'm old and didn't club much when I was young, so this "grinding" thing passed me bye. But to an outside observer, I always tried to give it a non sexual benefit of the doubt. It's just an art form, right? Self expression. A girl does NOT just walk up to a guy and try to get him off in the middle of a dance floor, does she? (Short answer: I can guarantee it happens all the time).

So, we have you guys dating for "a few weeks". In that time, you've seen her pick up one guy and get pretty far with him (I'm talking about you. Did you hit third base?). Then three weeks later you see her have sex with another guy on a dance floor. Same dance floor she made enjoyable for YOU a few weeks back, right?

How often does she go now? Have a PI ready with a cell phone with a good camera waiting next time. What? They closed down the old lounge in the Holiday Inn? Go to the one she trolls now with her married gal pals. I'll bet they're quite a pack.

She quit for a while after you got married. But after she got back in shape after the two kids, she ht it pretty hard again, didn't she?

Last edited by TheRealMcCoy; 04-18-2017 at 02:58 AM.
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post #148 of 158 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 07:44 AM
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Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

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My wife says I should just trust what she says that nothing ever happened and that I should have never looked any further into it.
When your wife says that you "should just trust what she says that nothing ever happened" and you "should have never looked any further into it", tell her that she should have just trusted you with telling you the full truth about everything that happened, so that you should not have felt the need to have looked any further into it.

QUESTION: How does a cheater say screw you?
ANSWER: They say "trust" me.
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post #149 of 158 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 08:32 AM
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Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

So, you married a chronic liar who is also a serial cheater. Stop. Just stop. Stop the counseling, it's useless with a chronic liar. Stop the investigating, you already know she's a serial cheater who has had AT LEAST an EA and probably a PA since you've been married and who cheated on every previous partner she has had. You know all you need to know. Either file for divorce or firmly decide to look the other way for this affair and any others she has had or may have in the future.

In other words, fish or cut bait.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #150 of 158 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 12:30 PM Thread Starter
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One of her old coworkers that worked there when they worked together still works there. Maybe I should take him aside and ask him what he saw between the two of them. I already kind of talked to him he said the dude was fired for not showing up all the time.
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