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red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

60K views 172 replies 57 participants last post by  smokefire05 
#1 · (Edited)
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#2 ·
One thing I've learned is that your "gut" is likely the best infidelity detector at your disposal. It won't tell you the who, what, where and how many, but it will tell you when something is "off" in your M ... TRUST YOUR GUT!!!

Look, your "gut" bothered you to the point that you went online looking for infidelity help, which led you here. That's not just your gut feeling off, its telling you something is so wrong it has prompted you to take action. Others will be around with more snooping advice, but I wanted to let you know ... whatever you do, don't let your W gaslight you into believing that you're the crazy one for questioning her integrity and virtue.

You are right, there are red flags waving everywhere ... a guy known for sexual harassment has been sniffing around your W for years now, even after they quit working together, and you have caught her in LIE after LIE about their relationship. There no longer is any valid reason for them to be in contact, but they still are, even after you have expressed your concerns. Those few facts by themselves are enough to put most of the BH's here on high alert to investigate further.

Brace yourself for the ****storm that you are likely to experience as you start peeling the layers off this onion.
 
#4 ·
i would sit her down and tell her that you basically do not trust what ever comes out of her mouth and tell her that at this point this marriage is in deep trouble, and ask her if its okay if you had a relationship like she had with this guy...the "exact relationship" because tell her if she is saying that is nothing to be concern than i would her that its okay for you...then watch her body and facial expression for changes...then drop the bomb that you want her to take a polygraph and than watch her expressions and body movement. Basically she is holding back the truth and we all know why that is happening.
 
#5 ·
I have been looking at phone records and she actually told him that she got fired she texted him first so that was the first lie that got me going. She said she lied to me to save herself from me cuz I'm so jealous.

So we are in therapy now and she lied to the therapist now too saying she didn't invite him but I brang up the phone records and she just says she doesn't remember.
So first she remembers and then she "forgets" in between then and therapy? Did you bring up how she magically remembered the last time you talked about it or did you accept her lying to the therapist?

Now the therapist says I need to just get over this and stop thinking about it or else we can't do therapy anymore. And that I can only talk to the therapist about it cuz my wife cries.
So your wife told your therapist about a man who stalked her for years and the therapist said nothing about it? Gave no advice on what to do if this man stalks her again? Pretended like it was totally fine and normal and you're the only one that has a problem with it? What a terrible therapist. If she believed your wife's sketchy story about this excoworker stalking her and didn't act surprised, shocked, appalled, and gave your wife support and information on what to do if he resurfaces, she didn't buy your wife's lies either and yet she expected you to swallow that bull. You can't continue on with a therapist who thinks it's fine and dandy for your wife to repeatedly lie to you and want you to accept that just because she cries when confronted.

He hasn't texted her at all and I said I want to see whatever he texts her she said she would show me. But I dunno maybe she's just talking to him using her work email.
You tipped your hand when you told her about the phone log. She's taken the communication underground either by email or an app on her phone.

It seems like him and her would mess around then come back to their spouses. They only texted on weekdays during business hours.
AND she did this before with her last husband. She just got a little bit better at hiding it this time. I think you're entirely correct about what went on. From everything you have said, it's pretty obvious. So now that you know she's a liar, a cheater, and she will never fess up to it, what do you want to do about it?
 
#10 ·
Then she too, knows that polygraphs don't work. Or, she's innocent.

Either way the threat of a polygraph won't compel her to tell you anything new, and the test itself, as you know, is meaningless so forget it.

Unless she offered to take it thinking that would somehow convince you she's innocent and you wouldn't make her take one, in which case she could be guilty and she does fear a polygraph, and the threat of the test might actually get a confession out of her.

This is so twisted.
 
#7 ·
Might as well just say it, she's had or is having a PA with this guy. She went to great lengths to lie and hide it from you. I don't know how you could ever trust her again. If you forgive her, she'll either keep doing it with him or find another boyfriend.
 
#8 ·
I am a dissenter on this one. Your wife's story is plausible. It also seems she has weak boundaries to some extent by not totally blocking him on her phone. If the guy had a history of harassing women, he could be the kind who grooms women over time. His actions sound like such a person.

Would you describe your wife as someone who tends to try to please others? Does she tend to do things for others when she would prefer not to?

Her ex-boss certainly seems like a persistent creep. I am not leaning towards your wife having had an affair with him.
 
#14 ·
Dude she for sure cheated. It is very very very obvious. I'm not trying to be a jerk and I am sorry. But she had a long sexual affair with that dude. Your therapist needs to be replaced. Do the 180. Until she is willing to fully admit to her affair I'd go consult an attorney.
 
#19 · (Edited)
I think this was a front so her friend doesn't suspect anything she still talked to his creepy ass..and had him come to our house.

She said people can change and not be creepy anymore.....that blew my F***ing mind!

She also offered that we should change her phone number

She deletes text messages like crazy too
 
#20 ·
Does sound like the OM is a creeper. I'm believing nothing occurred more then a boss looking to get himself fired yet again for sexual advances on the job. OM targeted OP W. However, W should have cut all ties after OM was fired from the job.

Why is the boss on your W FB page?
 
#26 · (Edited)
OP,

You need to ask yourself these questions:

Why would a man with his reputation, continue to contact and meet up with your wife over this length of time, if he was not getting sex?

Why would your wife lie to you about the details?

How many other times do you think they've met up that you don't know about?

Why would you accept her continuing contact with him?

My take:

It's possible they didn't have sex, but I'd bet my mortgage they have. Men, particularly players, just don't keep up the contact for that long - for "friendship".

Your wife wouldn't lie to you if she had nothing to hide.

Why you put up with her doing this is unfathomable. At best, she's busting open a marital boundary, disrespecting you in the process; and at worst, she's having a affair right in front of your face - thinking you're too gullible to catch on.
 
#29 ·
Do I lie and say I know what happened and if she doesn't tell me we're done?
Only if you're completely ready and willing to follow through, even though you'll never be 100% sure if you pulled the trigger too quickly.

Do I say we are now seperating?
No, that's just weak. If you're going to do it then just go all the way otherwise it's a watered down version and simply says you're having some sort of temper tantrum because you think she's hiding something from you.

We have a house and kids. Maybe we can do this without attorneys?
Not a chance.
 
#58 ·
She tells me when does she have time to cheat
During the multiple lunch dates and times you know for a fact she was with him. She's had plenty of opportunities.

And that the guy is gross and wouldn't I be texting him more if I were?
Women don't text guys they find gross. Her own friends told her to stop messaging him. Any amount of texting with him is a problem. Worse yet she calls him too so for some reason she wants to hear the voice of a "gross" man.

From the perspective of someone who frequently deals with liars, she's terrible at it. She's not even remotely convincing. The more she talks, the less I believe her because there are huge glaring inconsistencies in everything she says. She'd only have a point with those two lines if she never saw him in person and never texted him but she does both and yet wants you to think she doesn't.

Your options are:
- Bluff and say you have proof that more happened. Don't tell her how you know just that you know if she doesn't come clean, you will be moving out and filing for divorce. She will probably keep lying to you until you have more evidence so this is the least effective option.
- Insist on the polygraph and watch her sweat it out.
- Keep digging. Hire a PI to look into her relationship with this guy. Use a text recovery program on her phone. If you go this route, stop asking and start demanding. Tell her to give you her phone right now so that you can run the recovery program on it or you will leave. You're already headed towards divorce if you don't sort this out or you find evidence of cheating so you have nothing to lose. If she refuses, she's guilty as hell. Innocent people are willing to offer up proof that they are innocent and she wants to divorce when questioned because she knows she will be getting a divorce anyways if you find out.
 
#55 ·
I never knew my W had the ability to be such a convincing LIAR, but I found out on D-day just how good of a liar she was and had been, and you know what made her such a convincing liar, was the simple fact that I wanted to believe her. Once I wrapped my head around the fact that she could lie to me and that she was very good at it, I started looking and hearing her much differently. What once caused so much stress in me, now fueled my ANGER, and the bull**** and lies stopped, because they didn't work any longer when I started calling her on her bull****. I sense you're about to have that same epiphany.
 
#37 ·
so you have a choice you can either sweep rug all of these red flags and move on with your life ALWAYS wondering if she is being honest with you, and ALWAYS wondering about what she is hiding....you may never know but be content that at least you have a marriage, not a good one but a marriage for some that is enough.... or address this....go full on exposure and seek the truth....you may not like the answers, you may not get all the answers and your marriage may devolve depending on how much she is willing to share and more importantly how much you mean to her over him.
 
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