Talk About Marriage banner

red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

60K views 172 replies 57 participants last post by  smokefire05 
#1 · (Edited)
Ddjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss Ddjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss Ddjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjs jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjs jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjsDdjdjdj jdjde jjsmjss jdjdjss jsjjs
 
See less See more
#40 ·
It's a deflection, a half truth, whatever.

She's giving you a partial truth so you'll back off and it's one less thing she has to hide. Helps explain back and forth texts, phone calls, etc.

I don't doubt for a second that he's got a crush on her. But it's not the whole story.
 
#43 ·
Current tactic is not working. Suggest that he should contact attorney ASAP to protect himself. He is already getting trickle truthed. She clearly had sex with the guy. He should see the attorney, and do the 180. It is best way to save the marriage. She isn't going to be more forthright until he shows he is serious. He should consider filing for a divorce
 
#47 ·
Deleting texts says it all.
But the passcode you do t know for her phone and that she guards her phone would say the same.

Don't pull the divorce card. You don't mean it.

VAR her car.
Get the deleted texts.
Decide if you really want a divorce when you find the truth. You've been not trying to find the truth for a long time. If you don't want to divorce over this, you'd better find a anyway to get to a place of strength.

If you want the truth, VAR her car and get the deleted texts. You could snatch her phone while she was on it and change the passcode, right? Then get into it when you had a chance and pull up the deleted texts. Those would be rough to read. People don't delete them for no reason.
 
#51 ·
My rule of thumb is that if it looks like cheating, smells like cheating and tastes like cheating, it is cheating and I do not have to catch my spouse red handed. I look at it this way. Whether I suspect she is cheating or she is actually cheating, her behavior is invoking the same feelings in you so it really does not matter. I would not stay married to a wife who made me feel like she was cheating. A loving spouse would not make you feel suspicious of her. My wife goes out of her way to let me know where she is at all times and I have never had a reason to worry about her in 44 years.
 
#54 ·
For starters, you tell her you no longer will except her having contact with him. Period. End of story.

She needs to send him a no contact letter that you read, approve and mail. She needs to block his phone number, email and Facebook access. She will tell you if he attempts to contact her in any way. She will not delete texts or emails and be completely transparent with her communication devices. She will account for her time away from you.

Next, she will provide you her phone for deleted text recovery and you will continue to monitor her cell phone records.

If she refuses to do just one thing on this list; she has made the decision on divorce for you.
 
#57 ·
For sure your trust in her is shot. That is the primary problem to you remaining married or having a happy marriage. As I said before, her story is plausible. It may or may not be probable, but I've known people who are weak and naive as your wife is presenting. The problem is the red flags are based on logic and human experience, which is why so many are jumping to the conclusion she obviously cheated.

So you have a few choices here. One is to simply say the breach in the marriage is sufficient to justify divorce regardless of whether she actually had sex with the guy. Another choice would be to investigate to get as much information as possible in order to determine if she had an affair with him. The third choice is to accept she did cheat, and that you are willing to truly forgive it and move forward in the marriage.

I don't think the 3rd choice will work for you. It isn't rug-sweeping because you would accept the situation as she did have an affair. But you would simply put it in the past and move forward. You don't sound like the kind who could do that.

The first option is a possibility. But, like many, you have complications which make it an undesirable outcome. I think you said you have kids, but I could be confusing threads. If there are no kids, divorce may be an option to get to a happier place.

But I like Option 2, which is to investigate. Since all of this is past history with no suspected continuing affair, it may be more difficult. But, she may well be in contact with friends, family, or even the man in question. She may be discussing the situation with people. So you have a small window here to catch her comms. VAR the car and VAR a room in the house where she makes regular voice calls. Keylog the family computer if she uses it. Use the phone recovery tools people have suggested. Look at recovering backups of her phone to the computer. Recover emails from her deleted folder on her phone, computer, and tablet.

In a week you should have all of this data.

If there is still no strong proof in one direction or the other, do the polygraph. I think it is an extreme measure, but she has definitely done things which raise suspicions in a reasonable adult. A polygraph can undermine her sense of security in the relationship, so I would put it as a last resort.

But the fact is if you cannot establish trust in the marriage then your marriage will eventually fail. The issue isn't really whether she had an affair with the guy, it is whether you can have a good happy marriage with her. That requires trust.
 
#59 · (Edited)
Ok. The phone recoveries require root, which would wipe the phone if I root it.

I can't really go to her work and start snooping around which sucks. I can question her friend that works next to her I guess

She says she will tell me every text or phone call if he does text or call her.. so that's a little helpful

She doesn't really keep anything locked up I mean I know all of her passcodes on all her phones since the beginning. She tells me to look at texts or get phone if she can't.
 
#62 ·
There is a chance it really was nothing and I'm just paranoid.

I had to think about this if they did stuff and he hates his wife, but they broke it off he might do something stupid that I will find out about. She has to keep that in her mind. She can't control him, and he knows where we live now, her mom confirmed that she was there when he came over.

They really didn't talk that much. He initiated almost all convos and she didn't say much back as in one or two messages. Maybe she called him from office phone I dunno.
 
#63 ·
There is a chance it really was nothing and I'm just paranoid.
No, not paranoid. The red flags are definitely there. Paranoid would be if you jumped to the conclusion she was cheating based on nothing.

Your reaction was normal. His behavior is definitely not right. He comes across to me as a player who is carefully grooming your wife for sex. What we don't know is if your wife had an affair with him. The evidence is just not nearly conclusive.
 
#69 ·
Here's s current thread that is equally bizarre but w passed a poly and h is choosing to move forward in the marriage

"Did my wife cheat on me? Need help"

https://r.tapatalk.com/shareLink?sh...iage.com/showthread.php?t=370522&share_type=t
@TheTruthHurts

I've been following that thread and have posted on it more than once and I take issue with the word "bizarre" to describe it, as if there's something unusual about a poor guy with a cheating wife with all the signs who has chosen to take the word of a polygraph test examiner and his wife, and not continue sleuthing, despite significant damning evidence to the contrary. (In summary, there's no sex life and she's been buying lingerie and getting dolled up and wearing crotchless panties to work - where according to her husband she has hours and hours of free time to go and do as she pleases, and he didn't even know she went and purchased these items, and when he discovered them and confronted her she said "oh I got them for us but I got scared and changed my mind about telling you).

It's perfectly normal for a betrayed spouse to ignore the warning signs and bury their head in the sand and pretend everything's going to be just fine, because let's face it, as human beings we instinctively want to avoid pain and the easiest thing to do is bury our heads in the sand. Until the wind blows so fiercely that all the sand is gone and we're left with our head on the ground looking rather foolish.
 
#70 · (Edited)
We meet at a club, she approached me. After a few weeks of dating we went to the club with a guy and a girl and my wife(gf at time) grinded hardcore on the guy in front of me. I asked her about it and she said it was cuz he got us in for free.
Red flag! So you dumped your cheating gf immediately right?

Been married to wife for 8 years.
****.... couldn't even make it past the opening paragraph.

I can already tell this is not going to end well but I will answer your question.

Red flags everywhere or am I crazy?
There are red flags EVERYWHERE. More red flags than a communist parade.

And yes you are crazy for ignoring them. So yes on both parts.
 
#72 ·
I've read your concerns and don't share them. That's why I posted the link so OP could see a couple where the W has very clear red flags but she passed a polygraph
I didn't post any "concerns" I simply reposted the facts as the Op presented them in his first post on that thread that point very strongly to an affair, and then pointed out that he blindly accepted the results of a test that has been proven time and time again to be unreliable, and then questioned why this is considered to be a bizarre story and then followed up with a general statement about humans tend to rationalize and deny in order to spare themselves the pain of reality.
 
#74 ·
Your choice of words show your concern and I don't share them
So you think that his wife's explanation that she bought the lingerie and crotchless panties that she wore to work on several occasions, without ever telling him she purchased them in the first place, and never wore when she was with him, because she was just sort of "trying them out" and was "scared to wear them for him" is even remotely plausible and that he should just blindly accept the findings of the polygraph test and not question his wife further or at least keep an eye out for possible infidelity?

Because yeah, I don't.
 
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top