Flip a coin as to whether she is cheating. Plausable but not probable. Might be something else altogether like a different OM than the one you are looking at.
I guess I cannot fathom how someone who sounds like a reasonably intelligent individual who is not directly connected to and influenced by the situation as is the betrayed husband, would simply accept the results of a test that is known to be prone to error and which in this particular case seems to be contradicted by almost indisputable evidence that points to an affair.
So I told her I want to run scans on her phones for his messages. She said no. Then said let's see what the therapist would say about that. Then I said ok ok. Then she cracked and said I could but that she wants to see them too so I don't take anything out of context.....omg..
There is no way in hell she didn't cheat. OP is making mistake after mistake. Now that she knows he wants to get deleted texts she is going to have it wiped. The only way he is going to know for sure is a lie detector test.
OP's wife is gaslighting him and possibly hood winking. I not buying her explanations at all. If anything it just utterly proves she is lying. He is getting some bad advice in here too in my opinion.
First you shouldn't have asked her if you can recover texts, it is something that you just do. But you asked and she said no to recovering the texts and you allowed that? You should have just taken the phone right there. That is full blown evidence there is something major hiding in those texts.
Take the phone. Get her another one. This is bigger than you think.
No idea here why she can't just admit after I keep nagging her about it. I told her I would stay with her and not tell anyone and we can move on. Maybe they have blackmail on each other.
There's a host of reasons why a cheater won't admit the affair, even in the face of damning evidence that cannot be disputed.
"Mutual blackmail from the affair partner" is not usually on that list.
For starters, I highly doubt she believes you when you say you'd stay with her if she confesses an affair. Why should she? You don't believe her shen she says she didn't even have one.
Exactly. You are at the point where you have to make a choice, follow your emotions and suffer, or kill your emotions and use logic. Killing your emotions (which can be done, anger is a good one to use to kill the others) will get you out of the trap you are in much faster. Holding on to them will keep you stuck.
How about approaching the POS. Tell him you know everything and you want him to come clean, otherwise you will be calling his wife with your "evidence". This is a bluff that has worked for others in the past.
"Now the therapist says I need to just get over this and stop thinking about it or else we can't do therapy anymore. And that I can only talk to the therapist about it cuz my wife cries."
I am a therapist. The above statement makes no sense. Here you are on CWI laying your heart out to a bunch of strangers who are showing more compassion and empathy then your therapist.
I would have asked the therapist:
a. What am I suppose to get over? I don't know what I am facing and she has lied to me.
b. How am suppose to stop thinking about it? My wife will not give me what I need to move beyond this.
c. What gives you the right to tell me who I can talk to or what I can talk about?
Find another therapist. This one is not a good fit for you. Your concerns are as valid as your wife crying.
Yeah real shocker here.....she doesn't want a new one and fights me tooth and nail for this one. Tells me I need a valid reason for a new one. Told her I think she's against me. Not a good enough reason.
Therapist knows this is our real big issue. Could therapist be waiting for us to calm down about it to bring it back up?
It would be dishonest for the therapist to say she will end the sessions if you continue to think about it or don't get over it to only wait to bring it up again. Makes no sense. Your therapist made it clear (IMO) that if you think about it or don't get over it, she is done.
Frankly, I think it is unfair to you to not address your mistrust and thoughts about this matter. If it is your big issue then that needs to be addressed.
What are your goals and your wife's goals for therapy?
Seems to me that you want to deal with trust issues that you have concerning your wife.
BTW, you are not crazy. There are too many red flags to ignore.
Well, me grilling her has probably prepared all the answers she needs for the therapist if the therapist pushes. So I don't think I will ever find the truth it's more about divorce, or move on knowing he could still be around.
I don't know how they build trust back up in therapy with a pathilogical liar. How am I supposed to ever trust her again?
Just continue counseling and stay with your wife. Otherwise, you need to calm down and quit sabotaging yourself. Yes, it sucks your trust is broken. It sucks your therapist is ignorant OR purposely covering for your wife. Still, if you run to her with every little idea, she is GOING to find ways to shut you down.
Sorry, to me, he just moved out of full on creepy stalker range. He might be gross now, but you do not need to be there to add context for conversations with a stalker. This is another red flag for the inappropriate nature of their conversations. Please notice, the word NOW. He very well maybe a stalker and gross NOW, but I am saying he may be a triggered one that was a friend or more.
Why are you ignoring all of the advice in this thread by those who've btdt? You've sabotaged every possible avenue to get whatever information may exist.
Since you say you'll stay with her no matter if she cheated, and you say she's a pathological liar, and you don't know how you can ever trust her, there is no reason for you to do any investigation whatsoever. If she cheated, you'd stay. You know she's untrustworthy.
So you either leave her because she is untrustworthy or you stay because it doesn't matter that she may have cheated. You don't need to know if she actually did cheat, do you? Either lying is a big enough fault to divorce over or it isn't. Her cheating is not relevant whatsoever, by your stated position.
I'm sorry but this is obviously sexual PA. A man who's successful with women is not going to make the effort to be with your wife if it's just to be friends.
This guy feeds her ego and she rewards him with no strings attached sex. It's been going on for so long that she's able to coldly compartmentalize.
How is your sex life and affection levels? Are you getting cold vanilla duty sex? How's the affection? Do you passionately kiss or do you just get cold pecks?
You should use Dr Phone to retrieve the deleted text. Also get a VAR installed in her car. You'll have answers within a week. Start preparing yourself mentally for the possibility that this is much worse than you could ever have realized.
So we have an appt with the psychologist soon. Then I have with the psychologist solo a little after the couples one.
I was going to ask her in front of the therapist how this guy went from a creepy stalker to someone she can have lunch with for a new job and tell him our address. Within only the course of a year by him. texting her on two occasions asking her to lunch. How does that translate to no longer stalker...and a ok guy? Then ask if he got our address from her resume well that is another stalking situation and what the therapist thinks of it all. Not really sure if I should mention this in the couples appt or the one solo.
The best I feel I'll get out of her is that they went to lunch together a few times. She won't admit to an affair no matter what. So I don't even know if what I just said above will even be worth it. Looks like the only real choices I have is to stay in therapy and keep my eye out for anything weird and keep investigating. Because now she is all about me, taking almost every lunch with me, talking more, opening up, etc.
I mean she could say give me my own cel plan you don't need to look at my bills anymore if she wanted. And I'm not sure if she can carry on an affair through her work Email she works for the state same department as me(different buildings). And I have full access to her phone whenever she's not around. So I don't get how this affair could really go on. I have everything just about monitored.
Things are just not adding up. You are looking in the wrong direction... somehow. Kind of like when you think the sound is coming from directly in front but it actually directly behind. Its something but there are some oddities on whatever it is.
Now she's talking to me more about stuff...she's cheated in just about all of her relationships a lot of them the guys have kissed her but then people always walk in and interrupt.....whatever...lol...I'm going to lose my mind
She always plays the victim. She says I'm not forgiving her for the lies she's told me about this guy. I think it's kind of hard to do that with the context of the situation.
You said she cheated in all of her relationships. You think she cheated now. What more do you need? You want to pretend to be a cuckold to gauge her reaction. If she says she's in to it, then what? Are you leaving? I'll never tell a guy what to be in to sexually if that's what you like. What is it that you are ultimately trying to do here?
You're dealing with a compulsive liar and serial cheater.
What's to forgive? It's just her being her. One doesn't need to forgive a snake for being a snake. Either you can accept her as a serial cheater who will do it again, and a compulsive liar, or you cannot accept her and need to move on.
In your case, this is pretty cut and dry.
You have all the data to make an informed decision.
good luck, I know it's hard to do the right thing sometimes.
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